To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

Oh. That's tough.

Some of your friends will probably like to help if you can bear asking? I often babysat my friend's kids for free before I had my son. Or could you offer a reciprocal babysit? Offer to sit for one of your friend's kids one night and they sit for your kids another evening? You don't have to spend much. Now the weather's getting nicer you could just take a picnic and a bottle if wine to a park.

It will get easier as they will be more independent as they get older.

Bug hugs. X

It's hard without any support,

Yep same boat there, plus one disabled dc and I can’t work due to having disabilities myself. It’s shit. We have no family support at all. None. Dh is completely no contact with his family and my only family member (narcissistic mum) died in 2019. We just muddle through, like you do. You’re not alone in this. It’s a lot more common than people realise I think. Lots of families are either totally dysfunctional in terms of extended support or just don’t even speak to each other.

I feel the same. We have a 6yr old, almost 4 year old and a 1 year old. DW family don't speak to us. My family live far away. I'm constantly knackered. We both work shifts, rarely have time off together. Everyone around us has family help, we don't. It's hard.

I'm in the same boat except I'm also a full time single parent. I have twins - who don't sleep! So even getting a babysitter is difficult

I know it it will get easier though - It did once my eldest started school and childcare fees reduced so presumably your youngest will start school soon? That May free Up money to outsource the odd thing like a cleaner?

There is no point in comparing yourself to others - as nothing is going to change - your family aren't going to suddenly become more interested and it will just drag you down mentally more and make you feel more resentful x

But it was your decision to have children? Not one, but two. Who did you think was going to do the daily grind and raise them?

It’s not their grandparents who need to step up.

I have never had any over night babysitting and the only evening baby sitting was if we paid for it. Lots of people don't have family support
You can go out- you just have to make an effort to go out at 8.30- or you and DP take it in turns to go out.

You can have a lie in- take it in turns with your DP - there are two of you. The kids are getting old enough to sit in front of the TV for an hour or so as well
You're not going it alone there are two of you

Posted too soon.
We lived in London when the kids were young and none of our friends had family around. F/t working parents, kids in school /nursery, all leave used to cover school holidays was standard in our circle. We had maybe 3 nights out in 8 years. Our first full day without kids was when my eldest was 10. It helps to know others are in the same situation. But it gets better, promise.

I can empathise as we were in a very similar boat and it’s exhausting and monotonous. I’m not sure what I’d do differently if I had my time again, except cut myself some slack and put less pressure on myself maybe.

I know it doesn’t help much right now but every year gets easier from here. You’re at the peak! I’m sure you’re also providing a warm and loving home for your children, and that will be the foundation of their whole lives.

Set up a babysitting club with other parents from the school. Free childcare for nights out in exchange for providing the same for others.

You're not that far from both your kids being able to do drop and run play dates either. Be super organised on the weekends so you and your husband get the odd afternoon without that kids to have a nice lunch out or just to catch up at home.

Why aren’t you and your DH getting more time separately but away from the children? Take it in turns for a lie in on the weekend. Each get an afternoon free on the weekend. Plenty of options for a bit of downtime if there are two of you.

It’s not grandparents responsibility to look after your children or put them to bed. Maybe if they were in bed at a decent time and were able to settle themselves it would be different. My parents never had our kids to sleep over and I never asked.

I'd say that your situation is more typical. Most people in reality don't have lots of unpaid support.

Most people have to pay for a babysitter.

Price rises over the last couple of years and the squeeze on costs mean that any spare money for a babysitter no longer exists.

Are they both at school now? Or does the youngest start in September.

When they are both at school both book a day off work together and then spend the 9-3 together. You will probably only be able to do it once or twice a year but it is a good, and cost effective way to spend time together

Is this what you’re looking for? 🏅

If it helps, I’m at the other side of this now. My kids are teens, I have a fair bit of freedom and it went really fast.
I had no family support, no relatives and I am a single parent.
I did scrape by by paying for nannies so I could work and sitters for doing stuff.

people often suggested child swap arrangements but j felt like that wasn’t so easy with 3 children and very unfair of me to ask.

At the weekend are they able to get themselves out of bed, go downstairs, put the TV on, help themselves to cereal, the individual cereal variety packs and a single pint of milk in the bottom of the fridge so not too heavy to lift. Bowls, spoons and water bottles left out the night before and a fleece blanket each on the sofa. They often love the independence and you get an extra hour in bed. Explain the need to shout if either choke or if anything dangerous happens.

The years until they’re both in full time school are brutal. Sending hugs.

OP the reality is no one can ever fully understand a situation that they aren’t experiencing.

It sounds like actually you do have some help if GP are willing to babysit when they are in bed. Surely that would be the same with a babysitter anyway?
Why would you be getting ready after they’ve gone to bed?
If we go out usually we put DD down ourselves when my mum sits in ours with her. I get ready and DH does bedtime, then we’re out the door by 7:30.
If you’re leaving it until after bedtime to get ready of course you’re going to be less likely to go.
You have some help, take it instead of moaning that’s it’s not the exact same type of help someone else does.

You guys can still go out alone and that will also recharge your batteries.

If you want to spend time together book a day off while the kids are in school or nursery.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

How come other people 'choose' to have dcs and still get loads of help. When I was a teenager, lots of people with small dcs would go for dinner once a week, go places and meet friends. Teenagers babysat for a small fee. I know that if you work you use childcare but I saw a lot of people in my community getting nights out, attending wedfings etc.

I knew it is hard with dcs but I never thought there would be no nights out as a couple for years on end. Dh won't leave them with a teenage babysitter. Grandparents are not able to have them which is fine too.

Both our sets of parents are abroad, so we have never had family support. What I did:

We went out separately to get a break
Swapped babysitting services with friends in the same boat
Spaced our kids 4 years apart so easier for babysitters and more people willing to babysit

That sounds tough but it won't be forever.

I really feel for you that sounds absolutely exhausting. My first question is what are you spending your time on that you're both busy from 6.30-9.30? What does your average day and weekend look like, maybe we can help you. Does everything need to be done. Thw no money makes it hard, but can you have people over for dinner instead or take turns going to a friend's place? The reciprocal babysitting idea is a great one.

Just a shoulder hug across the years. It's hard hard slog and never having a break is so relentless it's frightening.

I would make the effort for that 830 night out occasionally. Just go for a summer evening walk and a pint with your husband. Maybe once a month? It's worth reconnecting as a couple.

And I hope you are going out individually to see friends. We have Mum's beers and Dad's beers evenings round our way that have been going for a couple of decades now. Alternate fortnights.

I think you just need to make the most of the support you do have, even if it's not as much as other people get.

If you have grandparents who will do childcare once the DC are in bed, take them up on that.

There's also nothing stopping you from going out with your friends while DH dies bedtime, and vice versa. You should each be having a lie-in at the weekends and some time to yourself while the other solo parents too.

I really sympathise with how much you're struggling but you could be having a lot more time out than you get at the moment, you just need to be organised and compromise a bit about timings and locations for a while.

It really does get better.

I found myself so likely and so low at this stage. My health got worse and I had to work less and it all did just feel awful. It didn't help that I'd moved from a city where lots of people would be in a similar boat to a town where most people seemed to have family around all the time. It really was a lot of "kids going to grans/aunties/whatever." One svhool mumeven thought I was the clingy one for not "letting" my child sleep at a relatives . She was about 5 and I probably would have given her to anyone at that stage for a night's sleep!! That school mum had parents who had their kids every single weekend so other extreme.

I think it is super hard when youre struggling and in an area where it seems most people have family on hand round the corner.

However mine are older now and it does get easier. It is such a shame though I agree as it makes those years so difficult.

I understand.

All I can say is it does get better because the kids grow up. This releases energy and time for other things.

You are in the toughest bit right now because both your kids are primary. If you can, try to take the best of having this time with them, be proud of every thing you are doing for your family and be hopeful that the future will get a little easier as they become more independent.