To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

It made me sad reading this , my own (ex)DIL who am am very close with still often says that without me she would T have made it , my DGS is now 7.

I had zero help or support when my kids were little , I was 19 married with my first baby 21 with the second and managed somehow but always felt utterly shattered. That’s why I make sure all my DGC have me there from the start, that my Ddil past and present have me there and they are loved & supported .I’m sending love
to you and I am sorry I can’t do more but yes it’s hard my lovely but you’re going to be ok x

Yes I understand as we were the same. No family close by and due to moving for work no friendship circles to call on for years .We got through but it was very tough at times and I did feel desperate. Hang on in and be assured that it will be easier , but yes a supportive extended family would have been lovely- takes a village to raise a child eh?

Omg that's so true. What the hell is wrong with that generation?
Useless and selfish sorry . I'm afraid my parents are the 'poster children' for baby boomers

Mixed opinions on this one.

Parenting can feel absolutely relentless especially if you don’t have a consistent, solid support network around you, so I do emphasise with you in that regard.

However, a lot of your complaints are a bit over the top. The DIY and housework as an example- most people do this themselves. I know having a handyman and cleaner on Mumsnet can seem fairly normal but the vast majority of the population just don’t have these.

Dog walking is a choice you made and knew would be the case for, what 5-15 years or so. We have a dog as well but with having small kids we purposely picked a breed which was small and didn’t need much exercise in terms of dog walks, because we knew we wouldn’t be able to do 3 or so walks a day.

Going out at 8pm is pretty normal for most parents so I don’t think that’s a bad offer in terms of babysitting. You don’t have to go out for long if you’re tired, you can easily have a meal and a few drinks and be back for 10pm.

I don’t think you have it all that bad, really. A lot of parents are single parents so have no one to rely on and oftentimes just don’t have the money to outsource jobs. A lot of families also have to navigate additional needs/disabilities which is incredibly isolating (usually no one will offer to have the kids to give you a break as they’re too “much work”), exhausting because sleep often isn’t really a thing and often expensive when you have to factor in various therapies, appointments etc.

Raising children is a piece of piss.

Useless and selfish? How so? 🤔 I personally know (and know of) quite a few boomers who are raising their grandkids because the parents are useless/drug addicts/irresponsible. And others who are ruining their retirement by providing copious financial assistance for their adult kids, or babysitting full time and sacrificing trips and interests.

🤣 DH and I used to joke in the early days it would be easier to have an affair than go on a date togeather. We had no family nearby at least 2 to 3 hrs away. You just need to find ways one of you cooks a nice meal while the other one puts kids to bed. Even just sitting outside with a fire and a glass of wine togeather.

Want to try raising my severely disabled one?

Who pissed in your cornflakes???

IMO, it's good for children to grow up with pets, if possible.

Imagine my audacity - expressing an opinion on parenting, on a parenting site?!!!

Op have you seen your GP?
This sounds like depression to me.
What you are describing is pretty bog standard with life, work, DC .
Cleaning, walking the dog etc
Everyday stuff
Your view of this sounds so flat and negative
There are zero glimmers of enjoyment.
Even in the thick of parenting I found enjoyment in simple things so it makes me wonder if you are depressed.
Tbh people are caught up in their own lives, expecting people to KNOW what you are feeling is also quite a negative trait.
All the best

Okaaaay. Glad you found a typo while I was rushing with bathtime so very hilarious. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@IAmCinderella thought you wouldn’t mind the critique given how critical you seem to be of other posters posts on this thread. I think that’s a good example of you reap what you sow 🤪

Fucking hell, that's a bit of a wild generalisation!!!

Well said. There are some deeply unkind, embittered people posting on this thread.

I and my husband are in the same boat - it is hard! I do understand that others aren’t sympathetic to our situation if the aren’t in the same situation.

I and my husband are in the same boat - it is hard! I do understand that others aren’t sympathetic to our situation if the aren’t in the same situation
Its a stage of life that didn’t last forever, like sleepless nights or teenage moods.

My MIL takes our kids twice a week, she absolutely gets a say in how they are reared! I don’t dictate much to her on how she takes care of them because I completely trust her, I wouldn’t be leaving them with her if I didn’t. I feel really strongly that she gets a big say in how the kids are brought up. They are her grandkids ❤️ and I’m not a control freak 😂

This tnh. The Op and pp's are saying how hard it is having 2 or 3 children, how they are short of money and without family support etc. Did they not know all this before they chose to have multiple children in quick succession? They made the decision to get pregnant each time.

Just to add, single parents I do feel for as they didn't plan to have to parent alone.

I was in the same position and luckily, I made a good friend who was also in the same position so we'd babysit for each other.
Would any of your friends babysit for you?

It's easier when the dcs are older.

It is a tough time and it can feel like you're the only one in that position. You're really not. Try to factor in some time where you can just be you for a bit. Whether it's going for a walk or doing an exercise class, having a long bath, just try to do something you enjoy every day (even if it's 10 minutes with a good book before going to sleep). This will pass, things will change and get better. Your DC will grow and you'll miss them being small, but you'll have more freedom and hopefully things will be better financially. Remind yourself that this is only temporary.

Everyone who is in a similar situation understands and empathises, but the other examples you have given are of people in different situations which probably have their own challenges, they are just different challenges to yours.

The early years are tough, but we generally survive. Sending best wishes 💐

I’m empathise, as do many of us. I’m not sure of the point of those who say “but you wanted kids..” blah blah. Yes OP did.. she still does.. she’s allowed to admit to finding it hard. If you are not finding it hard, that’s great for you.. well done ..and there but for the grace of God! A couple of things could change on a dime and you could also be finding things hard. Be grateful, not superior.

OP I wanted my kids more than anything and I loved them to bits.. still do.. but the years used to stretch ahead with me sometimes feeing in total bemusement and occasional despair about when I’d ever get any sleep. Or even rest….or have any fun on my terms .. or have any money to actually spend on things to enjoy just occasionally. I used to feel so very tired so often. But trust me.. the years pass. I know it’s a cliche but it happens almost before you know it. Mine are 30, 24 and 22 now, none of them living at home… last one moved out last summer. And I work hard at my full time job, sleep in at week ends (oh yes!) and some evenings, I tuck myself under a blanket and bingr watch Netflix when DH is on a late shift or sometimes we do it together.. and occasional evenings, I go out with my friend or a group of friends or with DH for supper, impromptu, as and when we fancy it. DH and I go on regular holidays and make fun plans for ourselves again. And we are in our early 50s so not too old to enjoy life. The time will come.

Try to invent adventures with the kids that don’t cost much. You will be making memories. I used to despair at our lack of funds and feel envious of others but my adult children often fondly mention with great affection, the little things we did. They don’t seem to care that we never had foreign holidays.. they have them now and appreciate them more.

Plan ahead so you have things to look forward to.. even a girls evening in with friends in six weeks time (while DH stays home with the kids and you returning the favour for him) gives you something to focus on. Look up what your local family/community centre may offer for low cost fun events for all of you and fitness/hobby classes for you. I did all of those things for little money (and there seems to be more these days.. I’ve just done a stint as an Early Help worker and was surprised and impressed at what there is out there for young families to get involved in at little or no cost).

Stat focussed in the here and now with one eye on the future. You’re doing a great job.

There's quite a difference between criticising unkind behaviour and a spelling error, but whatever cheers you up is fine by me. ☀️

Firstly, I bet you've had loads of messages telling you it was your choice to have children. Well they can all piss off. It doesn't matter how much time you spend with kids or how much reading you do, you might know it is hard work, but you cannot understand just how hard and relentless it is until you have them.

Secondly, I completely get where you are coming from. It is hard and relentless and knackering. We definitely feel like we are just surviving all of the time. We don't have enough money to do very much to enjoy our lives because so much of it goes on childcare. Family live far away and those that don't provide childcare on their terms because they don't want to be "glorified babysitters".

So you are absolutely not alone it it.