To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I can understand people who have their first child being surprised by feeling overwhelmed and knackered and miserable. But not when it comes to #2, #3, etc. Because after #1, you already know what it’s like, and that it is very exhausting and very expensive.

Even if #1 is an easy, carefree child, everyone knows that having kids is a crapshoot as far as special needs risk, temperament, etc. And that grandparents (or even husbands, plenty of threads on here complaining about husbands who were useless with the first baby and are equally useless with subsequent) who were not interested in #1 are very unlikely to change or that, perhaps, they don’t have the energy (or desire) to watch 2 or 3 small kids.

I can’t pretend to be in the same situation as you. But one thing I do recommend is inviting friends to yours. My friends come over every Friday night. We either have take out or if moneys hard I cook pasta. We play games, eat, chat, watch films etc. Its nice to socialise with other adults!
Every couple of months I like to go to the theatre with them too. You can get tickets to big touring shows at my local theatre from £13 each. Obviously I leave DH at home with the children so no childcare issues!
Some people’s comments are so rude! Our parents don’t live close so we pay a lot for childcare but they will have a sleepover for a night in the school holidays. It’s brilliant to have a night off once every few months

Haven't read the whole thread so not sure if others have asked if you have nights out separately without each other. A night out with friends is a good way to unwind and no need for babysitters.

Her husband won't consider it. They all have to be together all the time. Other posters have said they would rather divorce their husbands than ask for alone time or go anywhere on their own.

It's mad.

I get it. Mine are 17 months and 4 and the eldest has some health issues that make it hard for us to leave her with others too. Seems like every week there is some sort of unexpected childcare situation to work out as someone will be sick/have a doc appt and we both need to work! Our families are lovely but all GP live 45 mins -1hr away and are in late 70s, with health issues that make it hard for them to do much practically. Uncles are even further and one has his own 6yo so hands full anyway! I don’t have any magic answers but just wanted to say I feel the same and you aren’t alone.

@JaneFondue Her husband won't consider it. They all have to be together all the time. Other posters have said they would rather divorce their husbands than ask for alone time or go anywhere on their own. It's mad.

Christ Almighty, that is totally mad. No wonder the OP is pissed off.

We didn't have much time to ourselves until children were about 17 & 10. Youngest has a disability so very difficult to get a babysitter & never overnight. GP never offered ever at all. It is hard when you see others getting picked up from school by GP etc.
I worked pt (10-2) to fit in with school hours & paid a child minder for youngest until he went to school. I paid out more in child care than I got paid. (No child care credits back then). We did have holidays all together which were lovely but very hard work. I would have numerous calls from school about my disabled child every week.

Definitely this, they are both old enough and they will enjoy the little bit of independence. Mine were both about 2.5-3 yrs when they knew how to put the tv on and get CBeebies on Sky😂, or put Bob the Builder dvds in.

💐it gets easier .

As many have said in these posts - they understand - their lives are similar. You maybe need to turn your thinking around. Instead of constantly telling yourself you're tired, you work hard, you get no break or support etc do the opposite!
Say "how very blessed I am to be able to have/have 2 wonderful healthy children, for my DH and I to both have jobs, to have our health, to be able to feed our family etc etc. The list goes on.
The Law of Attraction works!

No answers but I can empathise. Son has just turned 2, am 36 weeks pregnant and having to work until I pop because of the cost of nursery (didn't want to leave a bigger gap because I'm 37 next month). Both work full time, live in SE where I was born so need my salary to move somewhere bigger. Husband's family are in Scotland but still wouldn't care if they were next door, my family are good and are there in an emergency but are all an hour+ round trip away and/or work FT. We can manage on our earnings but not enough to buy in help because of nursery bill. When I go back FT we're having to use our annual leave to alternate the same day off each fortnight so we're only paying for 4 days nursery as so expensive. Unfortunately I lost the 30 hour lottery too and am having to have an extra 4 months as unpaid as son was born a week after the cut off so won't get 30 hours until he's nearly 3.5 on 1st September.

Please ignore the comments saying you chose to have kids etv. They are not helpful.

Things will get easier as the vhildrem get older but for now it might be helpful to look at what you are doing that means you can't sit down till 8.30/9pm.

Can you take turns with the bedtime routine so one of you gets things ready for the next day whilst the other does the bedtime routine?
I saved time and money batch cooking. I cooked several meals on a Sunday and froze them. I also froze mashed potatoes, rice, part cooked pasta, meals like shepherds pie etc. I take a mealnout in the morning and dinner is now 10 mins to prepare.

When the kids went to school, childcare costs dropped considerably and we were able to save. I am NC with my family and my in laws live an hour away and are in their 80's. So we have not had support and had to find ways to adapt.

It is tough and I feel your pain. Others are in similar positions, but we tend to only see the ones doing okay when we arr stressed. Accept that things are what they are and make plans to make your life easier. Hugs to you xx

Aww sorry to hear you are struggling tough being a parent especially when they are close together in age, but advantage that they will soon be both at school before you know it , when they are little and hard work we wish them to get older but try enjoy this time they'll soon grow up, stop looking at other people especially having cleaners etc do what u can and stop worrying about house being spotkess just use your time off to spend time with your children and husband. I agree with others try and spend a bit of time alone taking it in turns even to have lie in.
There is,support for parents out there have you tried homestart ( that's if you are in UK) or there are adopt a granny schemes ,there are estranged grandparents or people with no children or grandchildren that would surely love to be part of your family, try it out
Good luck and just remember not long til they start school and it will get better

Me too, FTM to DS 8 months, and its exhausting. We have almost 0 family support. Mil is absolutely lovely but they live 5 hours away and are quite aged, if we stay there they will mind LO for time for me to shower etc but longer is a struggle for them SIL has new DGC living at home and lives nearer Mil so also unable to help. I have no living relatives that I've seen in under 30 years. So it's me and DH. Dh has health issues but is doing his best, house we bought pre DS needs alot of diy so he has to spend time with that, and he works of course. I need to go back to work soon, but no idea how to make it feasible and still see DS, but I'll figure it out.

But yes, I can see why you feel its tough, it is, for example I'd love to mow the lawn when it's sunny, but it's tricky trying to entertain pretoddler and safely garden, if I had family to mind for an hour would really help, but I don't, you don't, we don't so empathy coming your way, and congratulations on surviving so long.

We would love DC2 but don't think it's possible, I envy you that, in a nice way.

I understand.

We are in a similar position, both working all hours and weekends. Limited family support (to those saying that we shouldn't expect family to help I completely agree, and I don't but you cant help comparing with others whose family constantly seem to be helping!). Again I rarely sit down before 9.30/10 and then fall asleep in the chair!

It does get better (mine are a bit older now and being a little bit more helpful and less demanding). What helped me is that we alternate getting kids ready in the morning and on the days where it isn't me i go out to do some exercise - while that doesn't help with the exhaustion (!) it makes me feel good and its my 'me time' (it also means i am not in the house to hear all the usual 'school morning protestations' )

Agree with all of this!

You’re not unreasonable OP. It’s really hard. We have no help at all (even after 8.30pm), and one of our children also has additional needs, so we haven’t been away from her at all for her life so far. We have felt worn down beyond all measure, and we both marvel at the volume of help some people get from their family when our parents refuse to provide any assistance at all.

I remind myself this is not forever. Things are slowly starting to get better and shortly our youngest will be at school and we can at least have some time to breathe.

And as things start to improve for us, and our parents need more help as they age, we will be enjoying our new found freedom far too much to step in! Everything will even out in the end, OP! ;-)

Hi all, thanks for the messages of support (shall ignore the horrible ones) in hindsight - always a wonderful thing maybe my title would have been better saying ‘anyone in the same situation as me able to offer words of comfort?’ I was def having a downer day when I posted.

im going to take on board a lot of the great advice - push my hubby for more separate us time just to catch that break and feel refreshed. I keep looking at my messy house and thinking surely my standards are already lowered lol

the day just seems to fly by with work and school runs and then when we get home it’s the usual homework, washing, shopping, dinner prep etc which is why I never seem to get close to being done until after the kids are in bed.

just to put in context we moved away from our great friends to be nearer family when I was pregnant so that’s prob why I feel so let down as I left a great support network to come somewhere with people I don’t know and family not really showing interest. We live in a family orientated area with generations helping each other so I guess that gives me the perspective of loneliness.

the best advice I read on this thread is not to compare to others as agreed that will just make me feel lower. In many ways I love my life and am very blessed and I will suck up the hard times or normality for everyone as now seems to be the case because the alternative of wanting another life is not true. I want and love my children and am sticking with them.

I genuinely don’t understand why people expected me to justify my struggles (and to me there are struggles for many reasons I didn’t go into) compared to theirs before a kind word was offered. There is always going to be someone worse off than us in this world but that doesn’t invalidate any feelings of sadness or loneliness etc we do have so a kind word can go a long way.

Anyhow it is the weekend and I told my hubby he can lie in tomorrow as I’m claiming Sunday morning for myself! Will see if it happens ☺️ thanks again for the kind words of advice and support

I get it, its rough. I have not had a break for the past 4 years apart from when I have had doctors appointments and my aprtner took them alone during covid. I see it as, life is what you make of it. Whilst yes it's tiring and there's no money to go on holiday, there are things you can do. Days to the park with a picnic, free museums and a fiver for icecreams.

You have to do what you can in these mediocre times to make things a little bit happier. Sending love, I hope it gets better xx