To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I went on city breaks, lunches, theatre from the time my DC were a year old and off the breath. DH looked after them. And vice versa. You dont have to lose your freedom with DC if you have a partner. You just have to ask for alone time and insist on it.

Off the breast!

Totally understand the lack of support. When I went into labour with my 2nd & 3rd each time I had to have (very kind) friends lined up - one came in the night and then got a taxi to a friends house at 7am who had the older toddler/child during the day. They would absolutely not have had my kids at any other time and I was lucky they agreed to. No grandparents, no aunties/uncles wanted to help. However mine are now teens - they can be left at home, it gets easier but the slog is indeed hard. Yanbu to feel thoroughly worn down, but it will get better eventually.

With so many immigrants in the UK I think many of us have no family help.

This is really, really, not a thread for the childfree to smugly post on. Nobody cares about your input here and you have nothing of value to say. I understand it is of great torment to you when people question your reproductive choices, but take it elsewhere.

That sounds really normal. Sorry. We're hoping to have a few child-free nights away now that both kids are in scouts. That'll be nearly 14 years in...

We manage cos although I work 50hrs a week DH works school hours. He cooks, I clean, garden and we share diy.

Now kids are y6 and y9 we don't have to pay for wrap around care which frees up money for fun things. Although a lot of our family activities are free - hiking, tree climbing in the woods and paddle sports (all kit predates kids).

Parenting is hard. I suspect you don't get much sympathy because others are in the same boat. Can you swap babysitting with a friend? You look after their kids one night and they look after yours another time?

It’s not super uncommon unfortunately, as others have said. I think you need to look at how both you and DH can have a social life separately, as your kids are surely old enough now for one of you to cope for a couple of hours an evening alone? E.g. I have a 4mo, DH has a Monday night to do his hobby/whatever he wants, I have a Thursday night. Do this, and stick to it.
If family will have them but they have to be in bed then you need to work to use this to your advantage… try to make bed time earlier on the day you’re going out by taking them for a long walk to a park and exhausting them in the afternoon. Have all your clothes ready and ironed. Get DH to sort their tea and feed them whilst you have a shower, do your hair and make up, then swap so you do story time and he showers (likely to be quicker than you if you’ve got hair and make up to do) and then you both throw your clothes on and out the door as soon as they’re asleep.
It is a slog and it is frustrating but don’t let life pass you by. You deserve to have a life outside of work and being a mum.
Good luck x

Well you did chose to have two young children, that's not bring goady.

I can't understand this level of thinking.

What did you think having two young children would be like?

The reality for most is that they go through exactly this OP, they break themselves, financially and emotionally, sometimes physically, to have children, and those children grow up, move out, and virtually disappear.

Then you're left wondering what it was all for.

A colleague of mine has two grown up children, one of them is 30 something and no longer speaks to her. There was an argument a few years back about her son's then girlfriend, her son walked out and never spoke to my colleague again.

She gave up her education to raise him.

What was the point?

He no longer wants anything to do with her.

I wish people put more thought into having children.

The last bit of your comment is a bit of a sweeping comment and a little insensitive to be honest. I knew we would have very little help due to the vast majority of relatives living at least two hours away. However, when I announced to mum mum who is only thirty mins away in a car that we were expecting her first grandchild, she was delighted. She planned the spare room in her house, was talking about the day trips she would take them on etc. Then, three months after he was born she was diagnosed with a life limiting cancer and has chemo every day…so she has not been able to do any of the things she so very much wanted to do. She feels guilty on two counts…firstly that she can’t get those whole fay, fun memories with her kids and secondly that she’s letting us down (she’s not). So please be mindful that things change for people and they are allowed to be upset by that!

God, I remember when my DC were that age (luckily, there's a large age gap!). It was bloody hard work!! I'm not surprised you're exhausted!

For socialising I would have mates come over, or meet up with friends with their own DC for playdates, or we'd do stuff in the day. Not expensive stuff, as none of us were able to afford it. On an evening, I'd have friends over and we'd watch a video, share a pizza, play some board games or just catch up. We'd take it in turns to babysit each others DC. My DP are both dead now, but I was very lucky that they were around and would help with my eldest (I would only ask for help if I was in a fix and it was for work rather than socialising though).

I couldn't afford holidays until I'd saved up to buy camping gear. Then we would either put tent up in garden or have a couple of nights away camping. Once I figured that the DC loved camping, we've kept to doing that as our main holiday thing (it's very cheap, and good way to get away).

I really like the idea of one of you taking over childcare on a Saturday morning, and then the other on a Sunday morning, so that you can both get lie ins and a bit of child free time. Oh another thing I did was get in the small packets of cereal (the individual portion ones). On a weekend, my DC would choose which ones they wanted and would make their own breakfast (it was a real treat for them to do this - they thought it was great!) and watch TV or a DVD whilst they had their breakfast. I managed to snaffle an extra hour or so in bed when they did that! Win win.

My DC are 16 and 9 now, and I promise it does get easier. Real hard slog and bloody relentless when they're young though!! I did get them to start helping me with housework and so on from when they were young (I work FT and needed all hands on deck in the house. XH was useless).

Sorry? I don’t get it. What have immigrants got to do with this? Or are you being ironic?

Because we don't have parents or siblings in the country. It's not a dogwhistle.

Yes because we all have crystal balls and know exactly what will happen in the future.

How do you predict a row with your adult child when considering a pregnancy? How do you know family circumstances won't change and you'll be left with no support? Marriages end. People die. Economies crash.

I agree people should think carefully about whether they can afford children - both financially and emotionally. However even those in the most stable and privileged positions aren't immune from changes in personal and social circumstances.

Take covid - were we all prepared to home school our kids for months on end? No but it was a completely unprecedented event that nobody could have foreseen.

So all this "well you should have thought about it before having children" nonsense is unhelpful and irrelevant.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Fact. Acknowledging that and looking for support from people in similar situations, absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’re in the midst of it right now Op and it will seem relentless but one day you will look back at pictures and think “I miss the days they wanted me!” But it’s exceptionally hard at the time because it’s 24/7 unpaid and unsupported.

Having said that, my family lives overseas and no one ever offered to look after both kids at the same time (one refused anyway). So it’s certainly not true that everyone has it easier than you- that’s you being desperately tired and voicing your struggles. For me, I personally wouldn’t expect grandparents to step up. You know how exhausted you are right now? They’ve also gone through that, they’ve muddled through all of that. And they’re enjoying the fact that they now have that quality time finally. I always try to bear that in mind. Why shouldn’t they have the time back they “lost”? Don’t you think they deserve that, having sacrificed so much when you were young? I’m always amazed at my niece when she’s saying her mum doesn’t help enough. She was a single parent to 3 girls and she never ever had any time to herself. Now the kids have flown the nest, my niece quickly decided to marry and get pregnant. My SIL loves her grandchildren to bits, but now she finally has the financial freedom and means to travel, something she put on hold to raise her family back in the day. Damn straight she should travel the world like she always dreamed of!

Anyway, I know you were venting and that’s fair enough. I’ve had two nights off total from parenting so I understand, one of them was my wedding night. ;) I can’t afford holidays or cleaners or even a trip to the zoo anymore. It’s ridiculously expensive out there right now. So I sympathise.

Definitely sit down with your husband and say you’re at the end of your tether and you need to split the time up so you get a break when he’s home sometimes. End of story. Family days out together aren’t fun when you’re exhausted. Let him take them to the park/feed the ducks/whatever you can afford. Stay home and chill, go for lunch, take a walk, have a soak in the bath. Whatever that gets you through this time.

Not quite the same but when my dad was placed on end of life care during the pandemic and I was trying to explain to my employer that I was struggling, I lost count of the number of times I heard “but you must have some family that can help out…”

Nope, divorced only child, extended family neither emotionally or physically close enough to support.

It’s still a struggle not to feel angry and resentful tbh.

I hope something good comes your way soon 💐

You're not going it alone though. You have a hands on DH by the sounds of it. You can have social lives separately. Maybe see if your budget can stretch to a babysitter once a month and ask your parents to babysit once a month. Then you'll have potentially 2 nights out a month. I don't see the issue with having to leave when the kids are in bed. Tag team with your DH so you can both get ready before they are asleep and put them to bed. You're making it more difficult than it has to be.

I'm a single parent and I find it irritating when people tell me I'm lucky to have my mum who will help out, when they have their own DH, and don't need a babysitter just to pop to the shop to get milk at 9pm!!

Or you and your partner could support each other now to enjoy life more.

I think a lot of women on this thread are either scared to go anywhere without their partners or their partners won't ker them because they are incapable of looking after DC/ possessive/ linked at the hip.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy the op was asking for response from others in a similar situation.

I think once you have children then potentially you will have grand children and with that, comes some responsibility to having input to raising those children, however large or small a part you play.
#takesavillage
African proverb to raising children.

Is this really necessary. Using words like sickening and victim to someone who has literally by their own admission just come on here to vent.

Round of applause for you for being so sensible and so cock sure of your life choices. Other people choose differently and yes the reality can often be tougher than what they were expecting. The op clearly loves her kids and I doubt she regrets having them but she's allowed to have a moan about the monotony of life without being told it's sickening or exasperating.

It's like nobody can ever express any displeasure or worries or frustration without someone else saying "well it could be worse, think of x x x who have it so much harder than you". And we wonder why people dont talk about mental health struggles.

It is hard but it could be easier than you're making it sound. If you're busy until 9 at night - what are you doing?

Reduce your standards, let the house be a bit messier and the cleaning done less often and have meals that take less effort.

Eg if you do ironing, slack that off right away! Especially for the kids. I'd only iron things if I go to a wedding.

If you're up til 9 because the kids don't go to bed easily - work on that. My kids are the age of yours, yes they wake at 6.30am but the youngest is in bed at 7ish, the oldest is in bed at about 7.30, lights out at 8. A babysitter can come from 7.30. We follow exactly the same routine every day and they go to bed without messing about. (Getting pyjamas on is another story!)

Babysitting - presumably you get childcare hours - take a day off together sometimes, or save up for a babysitter, or do babysitting swaps. Socialising with other parents can be cheap - soon you'll be able to go and have drinks in parks and gardens which doesn't cost much.

I'm not saying it's easy, but you need to be a bit craftier about things.

It was the same for me and some of the time I was a single parent. It gets easier, I just enjoyed what I did have, pointless comparing to friends who had family near.

Lol! There's some really judgy arses on here sometimes.

Not everyone is a perfect Peter and it's not a weakness to want a bit of support.

OP it's such a shame that we can't call on support from people in our wider communities. My kids are grown up and I'd love to help with local mums who might be struggling. I have time and a bit of spare capacity and I remember how much it would have meant to me to have someone to just help out for the odd hour or two, just even minding them so I could get on with chores unhindered would have been wonderful. Even to just make me a cup of tea and load the dishwasher would have been heaven at times.

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling and I hope you find some help soon.

Same shoes here OP and hope things improve for you soon!

Forever feeling like I’ve never got everything done and ticked off and never have time to rest or be me, it’s relentless.

Currently life is so hectic at the bare minimum I make sure the dishwasher is done in the evening, washing on, but beyond that some days I’ll leave it and focus on rest, but you’re not alone and it’s a tough balancing act! 💙