To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

There will be an end to this. I remember having a similar conversation with my uncle when my son was young, not sleeping and I felt similar to how you are describing. He said ‘but at least he is growing every day and improving every day’ not like him who was caring for an elderly parent with dementia who was getting worse every day.

Im not sure if that helps you at all but it helped me. There are people a lot worse off, but I do hope you get a break soon.

Would it be possible to ‘relay’ on the weekends, take a morning each off. It’s survival mode.

This is my situation but without the husband (single parent) no time off been 6 years since I had a night to myself my family are local but won’t help out.

I think this is going to be more of a problem as time goes on. People have children later on and move away for careers. It means that grandparents are too old or too far away to give a lot of help.

You say your DH’s parents are overseas did they move away or did your husband come to this country?

How come other people 'choose' to have dcs and still get loads of help.

Nobody should be having children with the expectation that they'll have loads of help though - isn't that the point?

Yes, it's lovely that some people have grandparents or siblings who can help out but equally I don't think it's fair to get resentful if your family are unable or unwilling to help you.

As it is, OP has grandparents who are willing to do evening care, as well as a husband at home. That's a lot more support than many people get 🤷‍♀️

I’m in a similar boat but am a single parent with a FT job. Both my parents are dead and I don’t have any family within 50 miles of where I live.

It’s really tough and can be exhausting but it’s not that uncommon and with kindness I don’t think you can expect people to see you as a special case.

I try to frame it as a positive. I’m proud of having done it with minimal support and I like the fact I get to keep all the fruits of my labour and don’t have to worry about other people’s opinions of my life.

Yes it’s tough. But you’re almost through the worst of it.

You need some time out. So does DH. Can you start by taking turns? 3 hours on a weekend during the day then switch the following weekend. Give yourselves a small budget each to get a little treat, go for a coffee or whatever suits you.
Then come up with some things you can do at home that are at home and free, both individually and as a couple. I’d suggest YouTube yoga (some are only 10 mins), joining the library and reading, calling friends, card games.

Good luck and best wishes

I’m in the same boat. Seriously considering getting divorced because then at least we can both have a life with a new partner while DC are with the other parent. I daydream about leaving DH and having weekends free so I can date and enjoy my life.

Will your DH not look after them every Saturday morning? That was my lifesaver. I returned the favour on Sunday morning. It meant we had less time together as a family but at least we could both go to the gym and get some alone time.

the same but coming out the other side

i know it doesn’t feel it, embrace it and go with it. You’ll be a tight little unit who can depend on each other. Mine are teens now and i still marvel at just being able to pop to the shops and leave them at home. It does get easier, it is a phase. So for now, make the most of them wanting to be with you. They will be grown up and gone before you know it. We can be a bit lost now when the teens are both busy, reclaiming a couple is weird compared to people who always been able to have that. We are both aware of it so are working on it. But for you, it will pass and you will move on to the next stage, make the most of the best bits now.

We went out separately, but rarely.

I joined a babysitting circle, but accrued more ‘points’ than we ever used.

Will your friends not help out? Depends why the childfree ones are childfree of course, if they really dont want to look after children then they wont be much help. But I don't have children and I often take my friends two for a few hours at the weekend or babysit in the evening.

I also looked after my nieces and nephews loads of course as well

I think sometimes parents assume people without children wont be interested in helping but some of us are

Will your friends not help out? Depends why the childfree ones are childfree of course, if they really dont want to look after children then they wont be much help. But I don't have children and I often take my friends two for a few hours at the weekend or babysit in the evening.

I also looked after my nieces and nephews loads of course as well

I think sometimes parents assume people without children wont be interested in helping but some of us are

I feel you and massive hugs. It is tough and rough. We are about 9000 miles away from family and have amazing friends here but everyone has their own families. We are not comfortable with leaving our dc with a stranger so we haven't been out in a long time too. But I would say the daily slog does get easier as your kids grow. I have a 6,8 year and 5m old and they are so lovely and easier now. It's still school holidays and they woke up and sorted out their own breakfast, came and entertained the baby while I had a shower and breakfast. They are playing while the baby is napping and I will take them out for a bit later. My dps are just amazing though, if they know I need them they will not hesitate to do the 12 hour flight and come help me. I had the baby and they came over for 3 months and we would not have managed without them. I try not to let them know when I am struggling(illness as well) else they will come over and I do feel bad because it's quite a journey. I would just say hang in there, these tough times will not last forever.

Do you work? What salary do you and your Dh earn? You have no spare money at all? Do you have no friends at all, no one that you could ask to babysit for 2 hours once kids in bed, to go out for a drink? Or put the kids to bed, cook a meal, sit down and pretend it was a date night?

Sounds like most people’s life with young children OP!

I have four dc and the younger years are exhausting- but they grow up so fast. Do you and your dh take it in turns to have lie-ins on your days off?

I do think your dps are ridiculous to insist the children are in bed before you go out. That’s really mean - do they not want to actually see their grandchildren?

I hear you OP. It's bloody hard.

I'm in a similar situation except DC have disabilities which means it's more complicated to look after them which I think has added to the situation (one still doesn't really sleep).

Regardless of whether we "choose" to have kids and whether no one owes us anything, we're simply not meant as humans to be raising children alone in these little units of 1 or 2 adults. It's relentless and exhausting. Try to find other people who understand in real life - there are more out there than you realise.

My DC are a bit older now (10 and 7) and it is somewhat easier. I'm bloody proud of my DP and myself for getting this far.

Some things you can do as well as babysitting swaps:

Both you and DP book a day off while DC are in school or childcare and go for a nice lunch and walk.

Lower your standards on cleaning and DIY

Have at-home "date nights"

Get a weekly hobby and stick to it

Don't buy any more pets... A dog would definitely have pushed me over the edge!

Remember your youngest will go to school in September presumably, and that will give you more income

I think the vast majority are in the same position. I did have very rare occasional nights out, I could probably count them on one hand, but my parents weren't in a position to be able to help. It's tough but it gets easier. For my dh and I it was our lot, its what we signed up and we worked it out between us.

user that's a good point about teenage babysitters, when I was a teenager I used to earn a (relative) fortune babysitting, my Friday and Saturday nights were booked up weeks in advance for middle class couples going out to dinner parties. I often used to sleepover as well so the parents didn't have to rush back. But that doesn't seem such a thing nowadays, people are (probably rightly!) much more concerned about who they leave their children with. I used to get bookings from families I didn't even know .

Parenting is relentless and I don't think enough people realise what it's like before it's too late .. I know I sound smug but I didn't have a DC until I had been married quite a long time, was financially comfortable (so could afford a career break), knew my DH would pull his weight etc etc ... and I made a conscious choice to just have one DC and certainly no pets .. all those 'choices' do equate to more hard work. I also had no family living nearby but had an informal arrangement with friends so that we would look after each other's DC.

Sounds pretty normal to me, but I didn’t expect any different.

What you describe just sounds really normal. Most people do their own DIY (clue is in the name), dog walking and cleaning. Most people work. I also don't see the problem in going out after the kids are in bed. You have GP that will babysit, something a lot of people don't have. Be thankful for that instead of being negative about having to put the kids in bed. You also don't have to wait until the kids are in bed to get ready surely. You look after kids whilst DH gets ready then vice versa. Does your DH pull his weight?

Also if your DH parents are abroad can you get cheap flights and stay with them so cheap holiday and you and you DH could get some alone time whilst they spend time with their grandchildren?

We did babysitting swaps and also went out without each other sometimes, all grandparents and family lived hundreds of miles away and also many overseas.

I mean I understand you are struggling but I don’t think people ‘don’t understand.’ A lot of people have to clean their own house and do all their own childcare. Most of us can’t afford regular in house help. Realistically that’s part of being a parent. Of course your child free friends won’t have that because they’ve chosen not to have kids.

Is there anything you can do to ease the load? Why are you busy up until 9pm?

I have 3 dcs op and I’ve been a parent for 12 years , my dh and I have absolutely zero help , zero and childcare in my country is v v thin on the ground . Also culturally where I live families help each other out loads so it’s v v unusual to not have family support. Posters will be along to tell you to set up your own support network but in my case we have loads of friends but they all have help so it would be extremely odd to ask my friends to have my dcs , like unheard of as they don’t need reciprocal help whatsoever. We were younger than a lot of our friends having dcs and our friends with small babies have had more help in a day than we have had in 12 years. We are constantly invited to childfree events and either one of us goes or we don’t go. My parents are older now so couldn’t look after our children anyway but even younger wouldn’t have , I mean not even for 5 mins , my in-laws have mental health issues and actually cause work . My mil expected to be waited on a few days after I had each baby 😂 so yeah…. Zero support.
My dh and I are a real team though and we swap over all the time . I do find it sad that ppl can’t put themselves out or offer help but it is what it is. I hope if I’m in good health I can help my dcs when they have children, not set childcare but certainly if I saw them with their eyes hanging out of their heads with exhaustion I would at least offer. I’ve been there with tiny dcs , 3 under 5 and all sick , up countless times a night, dh working away etc and no support but lots of “get well soon “ messages 😂
I definitely think it’s made is stronger , of course it’s been tough. I mean most of our friends have also had financial support , we’ve had none either . We’ve done everything ourselves and I’m v v proud of that even if it has been a struggle.
There’s no point being jealous of others and sometimes it’s good just to tell ppl who don’t get it . I’ve now said to our friends who invite us to thing without the kids “we can’t go , we don’t have any help from family , we can’t leave out children with a teenager for a weekend yanno…”
Look at what you have achieved and of course there’s always ppl worse off. You will come out of this stronger . I helped my sister in laws when they had babies and small dcs and I’m happy I did that as I think it’s a good thing to do . I don’t get those who don’t offer but I accept that they didn’t and won’t , such is life!

When I say ‘why are you busy until 9pm’ I just mean what is it that’s forcing you to stay working until that time? Are your standards too high, are you disorganised etc?

Also swap over , my dh and I are insanely busy but we always swap over to give each other a break like at the weekends , I don’t get why more ppl don’t do this tbh. Sometimes I think it’s because the dh doesn’t want to ….