To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

A lot of child-free people know exactly how and why it's hard, not wanting this life is why we choose not to have children and then we're told we don't know our own minds.

Thanks for the replies with some good suggestions.

just to say I didn’t have children with any expectations of other people helping out - we moved away from friends when I was pregnant to a more affordable area and I always knew my parents didn’t have an invested interest in me or helping in any way they are very selfish and do only what suits them. It’s not that I expect help but it’s hard surrounded by people who do have help iyswim.

I shall push more for hubby to have separate time, I keep suggesting that but he is only ever keen on us all being together at weekends and doesn’t really understand how much I long to be alone!

i don’t think our kids go to bed that late (during term time) they go to bed around 7, lights out at 7.30 but reality is often 8.30 before they are asleep enough that we can go out and like I said yeh thought of going out then when we just want to curl up on the sofa and sleep ha ha

I’m really just wanting to vent with someone in the same boat that’s all and there is light at the end of the tunnel as they are getting easier already as they get older x

you need to team up with some friends!! I have a 2 year old and regularly babysit for 3 different friends of mine's kids!

Then in return they will babysit for us.

Yes I think that's a big part of it. I knew having kids would be fucking hard work so it was totally expected and I was prepared for it (also why I waited till I was late 30s and partied as hard as I could beforehand 😀 ). Im not sure what people expect. Whether they think it will be a fairy tale or whether some people just don't think about the impact life choices will have on them. I understand situations change but you do have a rough idea of what support systems you have and what your life will be like when you make these choices

Honestly you are lucky to have GP who want to babysit at all. You are going to have to go out at 8.30 pm if your hubby refuses separate time. And try to restructure your day so you are less tired.

I shall push more for hubby to have separate time, I keep suggesting that but he is only ever keen on us all being together at weekends and doesn’t really understand how much I long to be alone!

Your needs are just as important as his - why should he get every weekend as a family while you never get time to yourself?

I would be nipping that in the bud right now as it's easily changeable and free!

It gets easier but also find a couple of decent babysitters and go out once in a while. We have no family nearby, closest is over 200 miles away and disabled, so limited help but nice when we see them.

when your DC are making friends suggest sleepovers and reciprocate.

Similar boat here except we have 3 and our youngest is disabled and requires lots of overnight care, so we’re running on empty.
I know for most it gets easier as the children get older but our youngest is unlikely to ever be able to live an independent life so there’s no real light at the end of the tunnel for us. My mum would be willing to babysit but she can’t cope with his care needs to it’s a no go.

and yes you totally need to separate on weekends sometimes! We do a sort of every other weekend we all do something together thing - then the other weekends we take a day each! usually one of us takes daughter out and the other has morning to themselves - or I go on a night out with friends and get a lie in the next day etc

I'm afraid this is my view.

You're tired, OP, have a full-on busy life and little time to yourself. I understand that. But (I mean this kindly) I'm not sure it's helping you to be framing this as something awful you're 'going through'. There's something quite self-absorbed and insensitive about your suggestion that you're 'going it alone' when you have a partner living with you and, seemingly, pulling his weight.

A lack of nights away when you're parents isn't a hardship, surely, but rather par for the course? Dh and I (parents for nearly 18 years, youngest is 7) haven't had a night away together either, and possibly one evening out together without the children, but we socialise separately, do stuff as a family and hang out together in the evenings. We've had very little practical support from our families (mine live in another country and don't visit; dh's parents are dead now and had prolonged periods of ill-health previously which meant the help we had was limited to MIL picking up for an hour or so for a few months when the younger two were smaller). It's lovely where families do provide this support (albeit there is often a cost in other ways - just look at various threads on here), but it really isn't an entitlement.

It also comes across as a little bit (sorry) petulant when you complain of having to do your own housework and dog walking. I think your expectations are skewed by observing those around you and you've fallen into a bit of a trap of envy and self-pity. And because it doesn't sound as if your circumstances are going to change immediately, that is increasing your unhappiness. I think you need to be looking at reframing your current situation for yourself and dialling down your expectations of a life that resembles those of other people around you. (How do you know that your friends without children don't look at your life and long for it?)

I have some incredibly wealthy friends- think hedge fund managers and tech CEOs- and I have to ration my time with them because I always come away feeling dissatisfied with my life and the ever present housework. Not cut them off but if I am feeling fragile, I step back. Instead, I have now made some new friends in my own income bracket and who do their own housework!

Oh just fuck off.

Honestly what are you doing that’s keeping you busy til 9pm?
You’re describing my life except that bit.
Who cares if the bathroom doesn’t get scrubbed, the floor hoovered etc? I don’t live in a hovel but I learned it really doesn’t matter!

@Chateau13 she never said it was their responsibility, she's tired and struggling and witnesses that other DGPs actually offer support and babysitting out of love and she's sad she doesn't have that.

Why comment at all if you can't show any empathy?

We’re in the same boat except we have no family around at all so no evenings out even when the DC are in bed. Plus our DC are older so it’s been like this a long time. Yes others around us also have different circumstances and are able to go out and away regularly without the DC but I find the key to being content is to not compare yourself with others - we’re in a different situation.

Yes, I’d say your situation is pretty much typical, OP. Virtually no one I knew lived in the same country as their parents, far less close enough for babysitting, and everyone was working two FT jobs with small children and paying for every minute of childcare. We also lived somewhere where we couldn’t find local night babysitters, and which wasn’t covered by any of the big online services, so the only time we went out at night we had to take it in turns. DS was high-needs, anxious and a poor sleeper, and resisted any form of babysitting exchange or sleepover.

It’s exhausting, absolutely, and I sympathise, but it’s far more usual than unusual. I don’t recognise at all the Mn ‘norm’ of an expectation of free childcare from nearby grandparents.

In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first.

I think this is completely normal tbh. DH and I rarely went out but when we did the DC were always out to bed first. In the very early days. Not long after things changed for us and we were dealing with disability.

Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare.

This will change, it's not a forever state. It does seem that way now but honestly it isn't always the same. It may be worth looking at your finances closely though to see if a rejig would help.

Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

Tbh this is quite normal too. It's only on MN we read so much about cleaners, dog walkers and having several trades people in. There is a vast amount of people who just clean their own houses and walk their own dogs. DIY, for now stick to what needs done rather then what you want done as it's easy to get bogged down in projects that eat your time. Between 2 of though though, that seems a long time every evening to be busy. Maybe a rethink there would help? Someone walks the dogs and then bath/bed kids while the other takes care of washing/tidying/tea and swap about. A morning in the weekend for bigger cleaning jobs?

It's a hard slog but it absolutely does get easier

In response to a further post, you do need to be clear with your dh that you need some time doing your own thing at the weekends. Is he a homebody, or is he not keen on you taking off and doing your own thing because then it's solo childcare for him for a bit? If the latter, that is a problem (and he needs to pull himself together).

Wow, empathy bypass much?!

She’s allowed to find it hard. It IS hard. And it’s a fact that as a species (yes, including clever old you!!) we find it difficult to project into the future and get a true understanding of how we will feel in any given situation. As, you know, we haven’t experienced it yet.

Being unsupported is hard. OP only posted asking for moral support, she wasn’t doing others down. There was absolutely no need for you to be so sneering and nasty. I hope you feel better now, but you might want to think about developing healthier and more functional ways to elevate your self esteem that don’t involve doing other people down, or kicking them when they’re down.

OP - I get you. It’s very, very hard. It’s the relentless nature of it, isn’t it. It does get better as the children get older.

I would have (and indeed did) put a not dissimilar sentiment differently and I hope less harshly, but I think posts that aren't simply 'there, there' also have their potential value for the OP, and personal attacks like this one on people who post them aren't on.

The best word I have ever come across to describe parenting is 'relentless' and I am sending you hugs OP as it is hard.

These are some of the things we did to try and take the pressure off when they were little.

1. We taught them to get up and go downstairs and put on CBeebies. This meant that we didn't have to get up at 6:30 on Saturday morning. It was just an hour but it helped. (from about age 5)
2. We took turns. Saturday dh got up and Sunday I got up. The other one got to stay upstairs behind the closed bedroom door. They could sleep, read, watch TV, get up and go for a run, whatever, but they were child free until 10 am. The one who was up had to make them a cup of tea too! It made a huge difference.
3. We tried to get an occasional time out each, so I might go out for a coffee with a friend while dh has kids, and vice versa. This can just be an hour, can be daytime or evening, the other one is left in charge.
4. We did playdate swaps and babysitting swaps. I have someone else's kids round for a couple of hours and the next weekend they have mine. It takes a bit of effort to suggest this to another parent, but if your kids play well together then it is not a big deal (to make it easier don;t do it over a meal time)

Being proactive like this can make you feel like you are back in control too.

I don't want to be all 'eleven-erife' about it (but I'm about to be..)

I'm now physically disabled. 2 teens with ASD. I'm their Carer (they need it)
exH left 'as it was too hard'. No inlaw support (ever). No family support (ever).
Totally isolated. It's hard but what is harder is feeling SO alone in it.
(can't work, rural, no support groups locally etc etc). It is what it is. Vent over.

OP, it will get easier as they get older. Until then- you are doing a good job x

I hear you.

2DC, my mum is dead, and my dad has remarried and spends all his time looking after his wife's DGC. In the past 18 years my in-laws babysat for me once, and never let me forget it, so I never asked them again. My DH works very long hours and is away a lot. I didn't have a lot of friends but could call on them in an emergency. My ability to work suffered and our relationship suffered, but it is now OK. We went out to the cinema, and for meals, but DC came too.

Now, my DC are older it is much better. In fact, I am glad we slogged it out alone. We are all super close, and very independent.

DGPs are now older and they complain they don't see us very often, and they demand more and more of our time. I don't give it to them. I don't owe them anything. My DC don't feel close to them. Now that I am in my 50's, my time is my own. I am not running around after DGP as they did nothing to help us out. They used to drive past our house to go to SIL's, who has no DC, to mow her lawn, paint her house and do loads of things for her, so she can sort them out.

I think that the thing to cling on to is that you do have babysitters and when your children are a bit older, nights out will start again. Once they are fully verbal etc, you could see if there are any older teens etc looking for extra cash. I (55) was babysitting for extra cash at one point, including overnights. Do you have siblings? Perhaps your parents were overwhelmed by children and just couldn't do it again. I agree that you need to do things separately for now.

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