To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I understand, OP. It IS really hard when you don't have extended family support. Until fairly recently children were brought up by extended family structures and they still are in most cultures. The US and Western Europe adopted this nuclear family structure in the 1950s and it was sold to us as the 'best solution'. The outcome is too often exhausted parents and children who do not have the benefit of having a number of family role models.

Trust me it gets a lot easier when they're in school FT, especially if you can get them into afterschool sports clubs - they'll come home exhausted and happy! In the meantime I echo the excellent suggestion from PPs to arrange a shift pattern with your DP so that you each get to do a hobby or interest outside the house for a few hours a week, time entirely for YOU, and ideally something where you're interacting with other adults.

It sounds quite typical of most people I know with kids, apart from the no support from grandparents. Everything else, no cleaner, no paid baby sitter, no dog walkers....thats normal amongst everyone I know.

Maybe try and take time out individually so that at least for now you're getting a break. It won't be forever. These younger years are tough.

Oh shut up

I understand, OP. It IS really hard when you don't have extended family support. Until fairly recently children were brought up by extended family structures and they still are in most cultures. The US and Western Europe adopted this nuclear family structure in the 1950s and it was sold to us as the 'best solution'. The outcome is too often exhausted parents and children who do not have the benefit of having a number of family role models.

I am from a country with a different family structure. In return for your parents or inlaws looking after DC, you are expected to live with your parents or inlaws when they are older. That part is always forgotten on MN when the joint family structure is romanticised.

Right?

I also knew I'd not have a parent who would help out- she was clear on that from when I was a teenager so I didn't get any ideas that I'd be having a baby and leaving it with her. I also knew how much children cost.

It's a god awful fucking slog by looks and sounds of it. But it never fails to surprise me how many people are surprised by all of that.

You must have an idea of how much family will help and how much you earn when you get pregnant.

Jesus, really?

The outcomes of the children improve when parents are able to get a break. Op is not asking anyone else do the daily grind all day everyday- just for some support and a break once in a while.

My friends with kids invite people to theirs to see them. Takeaway, boardgames movie etc or when it's nice to a picnic in the park or dog walk and lunch. They are not trying to pass the responsibility to others for a choice they made. My friend has a five year old and they have never had a babysitter but the daughter is always with them when we go anywhere. No one minds.

This. Most people I know has children spaced apart in years to avoid this situation.

Me and dh used to say this. We used to almost envy friends who split, envy their weekends off.

It's hard when you compare yourself to people in a better position. Try to think how much worse it could be and find the positives in your situation. Eg there's two of you... (Mrs 'I'm like a single parent because dp works away" but who has parents helping out regularly doing pick ups etc used to annoy massively ) (I think about single parents who have no money and have to work)

You need a "day off" a week. Where you do the minimum required and each have time to recharge batteries.

I also second the swapping over. A change of task helps.

Cut back on unnecessary spending and target it on stuff that makes life easier. (Possiblity to give you more rest one day a week)

Cut back on unnecessary chores. Or extend the gap between doing them.

Trying to list positives every day helps. Being thankful for what is good.

That sounds so rough OP, your exhaustion literally vents out through the screen. Could the children have a sleep over at a friends and you return the favour sometime? Im sorry I dont have children so I dont know if they are too young for that.

My dd was a nightmare to put to bed, so I empathise. We used to go out to lunch, friend babysat. She was easier to entertain in the day when not cranky.

I don't think your experience is as unusual as you think it is. We have no family support (live far away and also NC). Same as you, day starts at 6:30-7am and ours aren't usually asleep until closer to 10pm. We have had a babysitter in the past when we just had one, but with 2, it's much more tricky, especially 2 that she'd have to actually put to bed instead of just sitting downstairs while they sleep. We do everything around the house ourselves, plus working.

We don't get much time together, but we do make a real effort to make sure we each have time to re-charge. We each take 'days off' where the other has to be fully responsible for dc. If I need a nap, I tell dh and he makes sure I get a nap (and then we switch, if he needs one too). We each go on nights and weekends away, just to get some breathing room. Dh visits friends, but I prioritise a few nights somewhere cheap, camping or a cheap Airbnb.

4/5 are really hard ages. My youngest is 5 now and it's very intense. I would think ahead to when they are both in school and childcare expenses are hopefully less and you can plan in time together, a babysitter, even if it's just for the daytime (go to lunch).

I don't understand. Why can;t you look after DC separately on weekends? No one has answered this yet.

This just sounds like normal life op? Do you ever get joy out of the day to day? I think you need to look for it. Maybe take ten mins every day to stop and drink a coffee outside? Or have a nice shower and some néw pj's. Take up the babysitting offer and just go for a pizza and a walk together. Lay off the housework a bit it will need doing again tomorrow anyway. Trust me kids grow up, invest in your relationship now in small ways.

I don't get any help from family.

My parents didn't when i was a kid either. To be honest few people i know have parents regularly babysitting! Its quite normal in the commuter town i live in not to have parents near by and so no one is really expecting regular date nights etc. It's life with children. Dh and i have dinner out for birthdays and pay a sitter for that. We use a local 16 y o who only charges £6/hour.

In summer its nice to sit in the garden with a g&t when the kids have gone to sleep.

We’ll have to agree to differ then, as I think that kicking someone when they’re down, to make yourself feel better, really isn’t on and needs to be called out. They’re just nasty. Perhaps the poster will realise that, having had a taste of it.

I agree with you about posts other than ‘there there’ ones being helpful. But there’s a difference between gentle, constructive, challenge and pure spite.

This just sounds like normal parenting in the uk to me

I get you op! 4 kids here ages from 4 to 10. We haven't had an evening together in zonks and not a night out in 10 years. No help.via friends or family. That's one of the reasons we had them close together so it was all done at once and we can start enjoying time In a few years knowing we won't be starting over with babies again.

It's tough but it will pass! I'm still waiting too! No advice but you have my sympathies

I hear you. I have been where you are as a married and without the husband for most of my child’s life.

It is frustrating, this will be annoying to hear but, what had made the difference to me is to switch my perspective and make the best of the little blessings I had.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, focus on what you have. When you focus on the positive things start looking much better. For example, when I couldn’t raise my earning further I focused on reducing my expenses, there were still nice things to do, but instead of going out for lunch or the cinema, we ended in the park with a pack up (yeah, sometimes I even carried a tea set from home for it and made things look fun and special.

Surviving a week of dinners with a chicken, a bag of potatoes and a packet of onions became a personal challenge, we learned so much about economy with it.

When I ended raising my son on my very own (think no time at all for years when I was not at work or with my son), I started going to bed at 8 to be able to have 2 hours to myself in the early morning before he woke up. As I was rested after the early night, I could manage to have an hour of quiet time including half an hour of yoga and time to get myself and the house sorted without distractions before DS woke up. I have never been in such good shape, as relaxed and with a cleaner house than back then.

I can swear, hand in my heart, that I have never being so poor and still, so happy. It is all about perspectives. An old woman once told me “Don’t be a victim, it disempowers you” and with that she changed my life. 💐

Its the same boat I’m in. I have had enough.
The thing I hate the most is the people who have involved Grandparents, help, cleaners etc and then act like they are in the same boat as me (when they aren’t), but are somehow better. They call themselves ‘tough cookies’ (implying I’m not). But the reality is they rely on others for help, when we have nobody.

Quite.

It's hard having children, but it's a choice to do it.

I think it's perfectly ok to have DC and feel exhausted and moan a little. Wallow even for a bit.

However, you do have to be flexible and look for ways out. Also, if you have 4 DC, probably yes, your life is always going to be child centred?

But it never fails to surprise me how many people are surprised by all of that.

Me either. I was raised with no grandparents nearby, i didn't have this expectation that children are regularly whisked off to grandma's leaving mum and dad to enjoy child free time.

I work full time & have two kids similar ages but don't share OPs feelings. I think this is because DH & I give each other some time for ourselves by taking both kids, and because we had clear expectations from the outset

I'm one of those people who has it easier and I can say I absolutely sympathise. I see friends struggling and really feel for them.

A few of us arranged a babysitting circle where we took in in turns to babysit for each other for free. It saved us all some.money