To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

This does sound tough and isn’t a million miles from our situation except the one grandparent who is local and desperate to help was diagnosed with a life limiting illness just after our first was born which means they are physically unable to…that almost seems crueller in a way.

I see where you are coming from because of course your children have massively changed your lifestyle, as they have for most people. Pre kids me and hubby would be out and about doing real ales tours, Michelin star restaurants, city breaks, adult only long hauls etc. We haven’t don’t any of these things in the three years since having kids.

However, we have shifted our thinking. So instead of doing a real ale tour out and about, if we want to do one, we pick a selection of beers we both want to try and share each bottle of can and rate them like we would in pubs. We both like cooking so we just research a dish that’s a bit more special from a nice restaurant and will recreate it at home. We go out with a friend rather than each other, although not very often as many of our friends are in the same circumstances, but often enough to scratch the itch (2-3 times a year each).

We also focus on the positives that we have. Both our kids are good sleepers so we make the most of being able to stay up a bit later together safe in the knowledge that we’ll get a decent sleep. This allows us to do some hobbies like gaming, baking etc together or simply catch up on Netflix! We also now plan days that are exciting for the kids but plan an element into it that we will enjoy (even if it’s just a takeaway when we get home). Focusing on these little wins really helps on the days everything seems harder. These younger days are the hardest so always tell yourself you’re that bit closer to when things get easier.

We never have a night away either because of disinterested grandparents on one side, and disabled grandparents on the other. My husband goes out for a few hours most weeks to socialise with his friends, and I can do the same if I feel like it but most times I'd rather just stay home and relax in the evening if I'm not working! I often work weekends too so family time is limited, but we do alternate lie ins when we have the chance so we can enjoy some extra sleep as someone further up suggested. Definitely no cleaner or dog walker here.. it seems like there's a constant list of household jobs that need doing, but also one of the reasons we decided to just have one child. Less expense and less work over all x

It does sound hard, so I understand you want to vent. Doesn’t sound all that unusual, so it’s a shame you don’t happen to know anyone in the same boat. But hard of course.

More turn taking between you and your husband is the obvious thing that stands out - take turns to have lie ins, to go out separately etc take turns to do bedtime.

When your parents come to babysit, dh (who lets face it will have to do minimal "getting ready") puts the kids to bed whilst you get ready, he changes quickly whilst theyre dozing off, then out the door when kids are asleep.

I know where you're coming from even though I myself am child free. My closest friend is in the same boat and I try to help out as much as I can with babysitting and gifts of money.

I sometimes feel so guilty because my life is now so very different to my friend's and it makes me grateful that I myself don't have kids because I really don't think I could have coped. I am in awe of parents, I truly am.

For me one of the joys of being child free is that I can help a friend who is a parent because it isn't stressful for me. If I take the kids one evening a week so my friend gets time to herself I get the fun of having a temporary mothering role (nothing like being a real mum but as close as I'm ever going to get) but as they say "get to give them back" at the end of the evening.

i wish you well op. I'm sure more experienced parents have some good advice for you.

By the sound of it OPs children go to bed around 7:30-8:00, how is that not a reasonable time?
Of course it’s not the grandparents’ responsibility to look after her children, but would it hurt them to help out occasionally?

We’re in a similar situation, so I totally understand. In the last six plus years I’ve only been out for one evening. DH and I rarely get to sit down together in the evening to watch TV as our eldest takes forever to get to sleep and there’s always so much house admin to do. I don’t really have any friends anymore either. It’s hard, but there’s plenty of us in the same boat.

I think the problem for many on this thread is that the partners or husbands refuse to look after DC on their own. That's a husband/partner problem, not an all parents problem.

I don't have my DGC for sleep overs because my DDIL never wanted to leave them with us!
I will go to my DGCs houses to babysit for a night, weekend etc.
I gave my DS a day at a show, for 2, he is interested in with a night away and he's taking his friend not his DW! I had offered to babysit. It's not always the grandparents fault.
My DC do not live less than 4 hours away from me so please don't make sweeping statements.

This is how it was for us when mine were small. We had no money to spare, no grandparents on tap. We had to get on and do just as you are doing - everything.

The only difference was that we expected nothing different - we went into it knowing we would have little spare time, not have holidays etc. etc. So we were not resentful or frustrated - we just got on with it and enjoyed the enjoyable bits, of which there were many. It never entered my head that we would have "date nights", time out together, foreign holidays, cleaners etc.

There is so much pressure to have the perfect life - perhaps you could let go of that. Envy is such a corrosive emotion and does not help to make the present any better.

I know this sounds twee, but it is worth looking at good things to do that are free - there are lots.

You will look back on this phase and laugh together - how the hell did we do it?! But you will be proud of your achievements rather than your acquisitions.

Hopefully you see by all these comments that your situation is actually a lot more common than you think, maybe your friend circle just can't see that which isn't helpful! Hope you find a way to get a little break :)

What did you think it would be like @Keepingheadabovewaterjust ? Do you think you were unrealistic or do you think something has made it harder than you could have anticipated? What was your own childhood like?

There are always comments like this, on every thread where someone dares to complain about any aspect of having children or just wants to share how tired they are and how they could do with some help.
I really don’t get how to some people the fact that someone decided to have children means they can never complain/ be exhausted/ need help.

That's easy for you to say

We aren't in the exactly the same position as you, as I do have my mum who helps out sometimes, but in order to keep the lights on and reduce childcare costs, me and my husband work exactly the opposite of each other, so we don't get any days off together at the mo. We have had to really make the most of the limited time we have, and we have started having date nights at home - we either find a film and get some cheap treats in the food shop, lights off, candles on and phones away. We have also picked up a bottle of wine and got the deck of cards out a few times, that's nice too! I'm so sorry you feel so ground down OP, it will get easier I promise x

We are in exactly the same position. Not been out for 8 years. Long days doing work then all the housework after work. The only thing we've managed to do is once very few months take a Thursday when both DC are in school/nursery and go out for a quick brunch together. But it tends to mean coming back to a load of work which has piled up.

That does assume they both have Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs, not everybody does. I have support from my parents, but I still found weekends hard when DH worked in retail and was working the weekend.

I understand how you feel, I’ve been there myself, no help from others. My children are grown now and we still are all very close because of the strong foundations we built when they were growing, we’re still a very close family unit. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I think it’s a mindset thing, try and look at the situation from a positive angle, a husband, two healthy kids, a home etc. Having fun doesn’t need to cost money, picnics together, cheap bus tickets to different places, visit museums with the kids, lots put activities on to entertain kids. A day out to the beach doesn’t cost much, or the park, baking and craft with the kids. Find your inner child and look at life from their point of view, see the world from their eyes and you’ll soon find that life and day to day living can be fun, your children will go to bed happy and then you can relax.

I'm in a similar boat op. It's hard. It's like miserable merry go round. We work, we slog away at home, we never get any time to actually enjoy life, then we go to bed, if we're lucky we might get a bit of sleep without the baby disturbing us and then it's the whole cycle again. And again. I think it's hard when you work so hard but have no freedom and nothing to look forward to. Do you and your dh work together so that you both get breaks? That's the only way dh and I cope as we have very limited help from family too (same story as you, will sit for a few hours but only when dc are in bed). But it does mean we can't go out together often.

Could you and your dh book a day leave each and have a day out together once every few months when the dc are at school/nursery? I appreciate it's not ideal but you have to have a bit of something to enjoy or life really does become unbearable.

It's so hard when you see other people having the best of both worlds because they have loads of family help. But there's no point dwelling on other peoples situations. That's them, this is you.

Solidarity and strength, it won't be forever.

We were far from family when ours were little so we got zero help. On weekends we took it in turns to have a lie in till about 9am. We both went out individually a couple of times a month and the other covered the morning and picked up a bit of slack the next day. We had takeaway and a bottle of wine nights instead of dates. We also both had things going on like I did a night course and DH did his hobby. Things were tough but it didn’t feel ridiculously hard or like know one understood, is there any chance there is more going on? Are you depressed? Unhappy in the relationship?

Absolutely agree with this.

My childfree friends can't understand why anyone would voluntarily choose the daily grind and loss of freedom that comes with having children.
Perhaps they're more evolved than those of us who follow our instincts and reproduce!

OP I find it hard, relentless and draining even with help, so I can only imagine how hard it is without help.

I do think it’s really important to have a break, even when you’re tired. So I would really make an effort to go out once the kids are in bed. Just go to the closest place so you don’t waste time travelling. Even if you’re only out for 90 mins, it makes SUCH a difference to have the change of scene with DH.

I think you also need to work on your DH’s attitude towards teenage babysitters as that would make life a lot easier. Maybe you could agree that once your youngest is 4 you could have a teenager come over a couple of times in the day so you all get used to each other and you can properly show them round the house and remind them of what to do in an emergency etc. Then you can use them for regular evenings out and things will feel much better.

Chin up, it’s so hard but it will improve.

I think the primary years are relentless.

We lived abroad so any help from GPs was 'paid' for by having visitors for a week.

Then DCs get a little bit older and the occasional sleepovers start. We have 3 DCs so 'only' having 2 to entertain would feel like a holiday. Nit a competition it's just having less to do than you are used to is a break.

Now our DCs are in their 20s. We are all close but DCs are not close to their surviving GP. Even when she would visit us any childcare was always seen as a massive imposition. This leaves a mark.

We also have no support, but we chose to not have two children close together. I think a lot of it is probably that.

You chose to have two children and they are close in age. Those of us that have one will have easier lives, just like your friends without children do too. Why would your friends without children empathize? Why would friends that have one child? You made a choice based on knowing your circumstances and they made theirs.

That sounds really tough, I am not surprised you feel worn down with it all. But it won’t be like this forever, it will get easier. Sorry your family aren’t supportive. I understand my mum wasn’t interested once my two became little people, couldn’t keep her away when they were tiny babies.

I really don’t understand why if you are pushed for time and money you chose to get a dog.