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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anxiety about hosting Christmas

186 replies

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 11:30

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 18/04/2023 11:33

It's April

ThreeblackCats · 18/04/2023 11:34

Start now by gently reminding everyone that you will have a new baby and just moved, so for this year you are not hosting.
Make sure you get your DH onboard, he needs to be giving the same message.

When you do decide to host a big family Christmas again, delegate jobs, don’t be afraid to tell guests to prepare vegetables, run the vacuum cleaner around, load or unload the dishwasher. You are hosting family, not running a hotel.

Daffodil92 · 18/04/2023 11:35

Botw1 · 18/04/2023 11:33

It's April

Exactly! Perfect time to nip this in the bud and give MIL ample time to make other arrangements.
OP, this is your husbands problem, not yours. Get him to explain you’re having a relaxed christmas this year and won’t be up to hosting as you have a newborn. She might not be happy, but tough luck. Why is her happiness more important than yours?

itsmylife7 · 18/04/2023 11:37

I can't believe he replied " she'll be upset " well tough would be my answer.

Stand up for yourself starting right now and say it's not happening.

imaginationhasfailedme · 18/04/2023 11:38

Options are a) say its way too much this year with the move and the baby and don't host
B) draw up a list of everything that will need bringing (including drinks, crackers, decor, sides, desserts, nibbles) and distribute it now. Just maybe provide the main meat
Or c) this looks more what you're after....let people know now (so they can't complain about short notice) that you're just having the four of you for Christmas day and you can slot people in before or after, when it's convenient for you and when others have stepped up to plan something

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/04/2023 11:41

You are not unreasonable not to host, but if dh keen to go ahead it sounds as if dh needs to practise making beds and cooking roast lunches. Lots of opportunity between now and December. He probably needs to plan to do that even if just the four of you if you have just given birth so up to him if he adds in another guest.

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 11:43

@scroogemcfuckaduck

I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy.

Tell your husband very firmly indeed that you are NOT hosting again this year - you've more than done your bit for the last five years. The fact that MIL will not be happy is for her to manage and get used to, with encouragement from her son. As you say, she has other people who could welcome her over the Christmas period. For future Christmases perhaps others can take it in turns to host her rather than you bring the default? Time for your husband to consider your wants and needs a little more. 🌹

Daffodil92 · 18/04/2023 11:44

Doesn’t matter how much op dogs her heels in and says her husband can do the hard work, or guests can pitch in-the fact of the matter is, the majority of the leg work will fall to her.
Stay strong op! Don’t be pushed into it.

Irritateandunreasonable · 18/04/2023 11:47

You’ll be as walked all over as you allow. Say no and be prepared to piss some people off but no is no.

AdoraBell · 18/04/2023 11:48

Tell him you won’t be happy if you aren’t allowed to have a quiet Christmas with your DC and him.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/04/2023 11:57

I think your husband needs to step up. If he wants his mother there then why is he leaving everything to you?

Whiskers4 · 18/04/2023 11:58

You really need to make it clear to DH you don't want the pressure of hosting and are really not willing to do it. Explain to him how tiring it is for you and this year you want some time to sit and relax with your own family. Also, if you've got a little one, you're not going to know when they'll want feeding and don't want to worry with xmas dinner gets messed up as you can't predict what you'll be in the middle of. Also not knowing exactly when the move will take place/if you'll have the house ready, it's really best to warn them Xmas if off at yours.

If he insists on having them, you need to be frank with that you feel you'll really be at the end of your tether, and he's going to have to do the prep work and host.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/04/2023 12:03

Tell him what you said at the start of the OP. And that you are not hosting this year. It doesn't matter if she'll be upset, you'll be upset and won't do it. I'd probably send a message to the family WhatsApp to underline this asking for arrangements to meet up before or after. It sounds like a fair amount to host would be once every 3 years, assuming that DH does the cooking, cleaning and shopping required as it's his family. And make sure he does these tasks as needed to prep for your family Christmas this year too, it sounds like it's his turn and you'll have enough on your plate with the baby.

lovemelongtime · 18/04/2023 12:09

Make it take clear now that you will not be doing Christmas and stick to it. You need to start with your DH.

SpecialControlGroup · 18/04/2023 12:33

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/04/2023 11:41

You are not unreasonable not to host, but if dh keen to go ahead it sounds as if dh needs to practise making beds and cooking roast lunches. Lots of opportunity between now and December. He probably needs to plan to do that even if just the four of you if you have just given birth so up to him if he adds in another guest.

My thoughts exactly

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 12:50

There's no way I'd exclude my mum at Christmas. Why the fuck would you be the one cooking, prepping, planning and shopping?

Surely your husband can do that when you've got a newborn?

CampervanKween · 18/04/2023 12:52

So is it just your mother in law you'll be hosting? If so, I can't really see how she's much additional work.

YukoandHiro · 18/04/2023 12:54

It's early enough to say you're not doing it this year due to newborn and likely being n the middle of a move.

Just say it now. Nip it in the bud before anyone can say they were expecting it.

Wnikat · 18/04/2023 12:54

I don’t think you’re unreasonable but also not sure why one extra guest, so 4 people in total plus a baby, is giving you such anxiety in April

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 12:59

To clarify my DH does his bit, does the majority of cooking for Xmas these days, and take it in turns. I probably do do most the planning, like what we are eating and do the shopping order and cleaner changes beds. He will initiate all the stuff with the tree / decoration, I usually do a wreath (shall not being doing so this year!), make homemade snacks etc

This year I just want to keep it very simple, yes have a roast and a tree but only do the bare minimum that is going to make it nice for our toddler. I want to be able to be in my pyjamas and feed without being watched by family in the living room, and run our own schedule that is led by our children's needs. I know by hosting I will feel more obligated to make extra effort than for one year whilst new DC is tiny that I do not want to make. If DH ends up doing a roast with all the trimmings then it takes him away from the kids.

I know in years gone by when DH and SIL were little their family always went to their DGP's for Xmas, so obv they were not expected to host.

OP posts:
DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 18/04/2023 13:04

I know by hosting I will feel more obligated to make extra effort than for one year whilst new DC is tiny that I do not want to make.

Who will be making you feel that obligation?

Because if it's not your husband or his mother, I don't think it's fair to make them suffer for it.

Buy the snacks this year, keep the roast simple. Christmas doesn't need to be a huge palaver and it sounds as if there are plenty of things you usually do because they're nice but you could easily cut if you want less stress. Your MIL won't be "watching" you breastfeed either; she'll just happen to be around at the time, although perhaps your husband can call her away to something.

I don't know if you'd be so keen to keep your own mother away at Christmas, but I really don't think one extra adult is a huge imposition.

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 13:07

Because we have hosted her 5 years in a row? I just want a quiet Xmas with my tiny DC and DH. I don't enjoy hosting whilst the children are small. I just want to enjoy my Xmas, having just very recently given birth.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 18/04/2023 13:09

I actually think that it’s a perfect time to plan your type of Christmas. Maybe you’ve approached your DH in a bit of a wrong way. It’s not about you not wanting to host, it’s a very unpredictable year for you so you can guarantee anything and it’s better for everyone to know that.
A lot of people might disagree but I wouldn’t even promise to come as a guest. Moving house rarely goes exactly to plan plus you will have newborn by Christmas.
In your shoes I would be very careful with any plans and promises.

JulianFawcettMP · 18/04/2023 13:11

It does feel quite selfish to me.

One extra adult will not be much work. This whole "my little family" thing is really unkind. One day you will probably be the MiL and I'm sure you will want to see at least one of your children over Christmas.

From what you've written it's not about workload as that seems covered. It's just about what you want and that is to exclude your husband's mother.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 13:11

Cooking dinner "takes him away from the DC"? Really?

Why don't you just say you don't want his mum to come this year regardless. Instead of going on about home made snacks etc. That's just fluff you've put upon yourself.

Personally I think it's sad that you wouldn't say "yes come, but not sure what time we will be up and dressed etc with the new baby so it'll be a more relaxed Christmas than we've had in the past". She might be glad of that anyway!

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