Anxiety about hosting Christmas

[scroogemcfuckaduck]

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

You're not being remotely selfish. It is completely reasonably not to want to guest staying in the house when you have a newborn.

Your DH should contact BIL and SIL to discuss the best way to deal with this- whether BIL and SIL are actually going away and what the options are for MIL. This is his job to sort, not yours. He should be supporting you.

I wouldn't host Christmas if I were you, and I wouldn't feel guilty. I would also make it clear that you plan to alternate doing having ILs over at Christmas every other year going forward so that you don't have to have this conversation again.

She's not going to be alone, so what is the problem? She can't complain as she obviously hates hosting Christmas - having avoided it her whole life!

Yes I think for the day or two you can put up with it - I mean how much extra work is just one person? Your hubby can do it anyway, and as it's family just relax - don't put any extra pressure on yourself.

Say u rnt hosting this year, it’s about time someone else did.

My mother in law used to bring up the subject of Xmas in February!! She was really anxious about it.

It's April but I couldn't level MIL on her own at Christmas.
It's a family time and she probably wouldn't be able to ask friends if she could go to theirs / invite to hers esp if they have children, grandchildren

I think I'd go the Chinese route, we are just having takeaway this year. Make life easy!

She has two children- a daughter and a son - why has the daughter in law been hosting for the last 5 years? Not your turn this year OP.

She has lots of siblings if she can't cope with a day on her own (still don't see the big deal) and plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.

Son and DIL apparently don't have a spare room.

Still no reason for the OP to be guilted into hosting.

You have two options. Say to your DH that you will be unhappy if his Mum comes this year

OR

Tell DH and his Mum Christmas WILL be like this, and there won't be a roast, you running around or telling them how to use the oven. Your only response this year will be 'can you top up my drink for me please' or 'work it out yourself'.

If it is just MiL I wouldn't stress too much, and just hand over the running to DH.

Never mind what makes MIL happy, do what's right and comfortable for you. There are 364 others days to meet up for dinner why stress out at Christmas?
It very early to be worrying so just suggest something else and say you're not hosting this year and need a break after so many other great celebrations the previous 5 years.

It's April

It's April I really wouldn't worry about plans that far in advance, we will of all probably been blown up by then

Exactly. Maybe just because you have a bit more room doesn’t mean you have to host every Christmas.

One person doesn’t take up that much space - let’s be honest. I’m sure the DIL could put her up some years. Camp bed in the lounge?

If you don't want to do it, then say so, but don't use the excuse that it is too much effort to have her as she is just one person ffs.

You could have her there and do less than usual and stay in your PJs but you just don't want her so there is no getting around that.

If you want to break the trend stand firm because otherwise you will be doing this forever.

FWIW I started hosting everyone when twins were 1 yo and have got stuck doing it for 19 years. Ours is the central point and the only house big enough, at our peak there have been 23 people across 7 family branches, and we do C Eve buffet, CDay roast and B Day brunch and tea. I hate it but the family all love it and talk about it all year long as it's literally the only time when everyone gets together. I hate it so much.

One extra person won’t create that much extra work and I’m not sure I’d be able to enjoy Christmas ‘just us’ if I knew my mil (or any family member) were by herself.

If you don’t want to then that’s your prerogative but I can’t see that 1 extra person makes much difference , if you don’t want a traditional Christmas dinner then tell her in advance that you won’t be having one . I personally don’t see the big deal about cooking a roast , most of it you can buy pre prepared .

This is where girls' t shirts with 'smile' and 'be kind' and phrases like 'be a good little girl and sit still' get us, 30 years down the line. We're trained from birth to think of others.

Group WhatsApp of similar

Looking forward to having a break from hosting Christmas this year. We all doing separate things or is one of you hosting?

When the dc’s are older I would also be looking at going away. Not having space is a piss poor excuse for them tbh. Many families have small properties and manage to have people over

I cannot imagine being part of a family which gives this sort of thing headspace in APRIL.

YABU to use the word "hosting" in the title when in fact it's just having your husband's mother there.

You are also crazy to be worrying about this in April. Is it actually a proxy for worrying generally about having a new baby?

You say that MIL would never think to bring things or to offer to help. So why not just ask her? You won't do that because if she said yes you'd lose one of your justifications for excluding her completely.

That said, your husband is being an arsehole here with his "she'll be upset". Your answer to that is "well, I'll be upset if she comes and I'll just have given birth to your child". You need to be having this conversation about your need for a different dynamic with him, not us.

But don't start telling anyone other than DH now that you are already thinking about about what you want to do at Christmas , they will think you are losing the plot!

'YABU to use the word "hosting" in the title when in fact it's just having your husband's mother there.'

I disagree, some guests no matter if family or not, just sit on their arses expecting to be waiting on hand and foot. When they are asked politely to help are conveniently a novice at every task creating more work.

Op is we'll within her rights to want a quiet Christmas (we'll as quiet as it can be with the dcs), she has had people over quite enough.

Thinking about things now shows the strain these entitled relatives out on Op year after year.

well*

One extra person creates a completely different dynamic and means OP needs to be "on" rather than just chilling at home.