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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxiety about hosting Christmas

186 replies

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 11:30

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 18/04/2023 21:25

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 21:23

@Holly60 we've already spoken about a 2 night rule, he's always relieved when she goes tbh

Perfect 👍

Hibernatalie · 18/04/2023 21:26

100% just have Christmas the 4 of you. The newborn Christmas is what you want - that’s a given

caringcarer · 18/04/2023 21:31

OP has hosted Xmas for 5 years in a row. Her she's sibling none. Sibling could organise a meal out and a Travel Inn for their Mum some Xmas. Now they are off on holiday not offering to take the mother with them. After moving house and with a newborn OP deserves a Xmas off hosting duty. Maybe she could invite her Mil the following year. It should not all be down to one child or his wife to do it all.

MichelleScarn · 18/04/2023 21:43

Holly60 · 18/04/2023 20:56

I think despite this there are still a number of posters slightly raising an eyebrow at the idea of refusing a parent to come at Christmas because it feels like too much effort to 'host' them.

I think like others, I'm still not entirely clear on what 'hosting' one's single mum/mum in law actually looks like, and how it is going to generate so much extra effort and work.

Show quote history

Then why does the rest of the mils family get to renegade on having to host or care for her?

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 22:12

@MichelleScarn I don't blame them!

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 22:17

It’s not really that hard to spend Christmas with other relatives or even friends. In our younger years I would often invite single friends even those with families. Wjen we get older and all the dc’s have their own lives/families can easily see it happening again.

If the mil other siblings cannot be bothered doesn’t that say a lot about her? One of her own children has even decided to buggar off away and they don’t even host.

MysteryBelle · 18/04/2023 22:30

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 20:05

@aloris defo not a permanent exclusion, just skipping one year of hosting, and yes I agree she needs to do a bit more - tbh I'm still working out who makes these requests me or DH, or if it matters

@Gymnopedie haha well I've never attempted to push back really, but I have recently told him it's a two night max for her to come to stay going forward and that it's too intense now I'm pregnant and we have a toddler, the last time two times she has out stayed her welcome - that for me was a learning that we need to have everything communicated up front about how long family are staying -- it's just stuff like I need to make sure I have time factored in to get my toddler out for some fresh air or she's climbing the walls

@MysteryBelle I actually like MIL but like most DIL, only in small doses. She won't be alone, as I said she a lot of siblings who mostly all have big houses and she has tonnes of friends who are single like her. DH is a very dutiful son but do I think he enjoys her being here? I'd think he is the same as me, small doses. If he wanted to take the baby up north for a couple of days around Xmas I would not mind at all, in fact I might suggest it

@isadoradancing123 no I would absolutely love it, sometimes she hovers around the dishwasher and I say 'yes you can stack it that would be great', or the classic was just putting her dirty dishes next to an empty dishwasher and I said 'yep you can put those straight in'

@Roundandnour no idea, but obviously it would very much be up to her

Hope you find a solution. Would be ideal if her siblings hosted her.

MysteryBelle · 18/04/2023 22:33

MichelleScarn · 18/04/2023 20:03

so best thing is to have husband and toddler visit her on Christmas and leave you at home with baby. Oh but you want husband to do what you want? See how that works?
@MysteryBelle so if op doesn't toe the line and is #kind by doing what everyone else wants she gets punished by her family leaving her alone on Christmas day? #putupandshutup ?

I’m much more on op’s side in this, having had to do Christmas everybody else’s way for years. It’s just a little tricky to figure out how to not invite mil over if she’s going to be alone, hopefully her siblings or someone will host her.

WhatASillyPredicament · 19/04/2023 11:51

@MysteryBelle I think op said MIL has other options, so other places to go.

LlynTegid · 19/04/2023 11:54

Whilst agreeing with you, I don't think you should be thinking too much if at all about Christmas.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 19/04/2023 17:45

If the mil other siblings cannot be bothered doesn’t that say a lot about her?

That's an interesting thought process.

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