Anxiety about hosting Christmas

[scroogemcfuckaduck]

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

Ok so I was on your side but I’ve changed my mind after your recent posts.

It sounds like your making a mountain out of a mole hill and being pretty unkind to DHs mum who will effectively be alone on Christmas Day.

You by no means do everything or are expected to so I’m not really sure what your issue is here.

If sister in law and brother in law are going abroad they're not bothered about mother in law being on her own on Christmas day - or just assumed OP and her husband would step up. There's no reason why they should have to.

If your DH wants to invite his DM over for Christmas then be really really clear that you're going to be sat on your arse for the duration. If he wants to do the planning and prep and the execution and clear up then he can go for it with her help, and you'll be eating twiglets and looking after the baby you've just delivered.

He won't do it again.

Having a guest changes the whole dynamic. OP wants a Christmas with just her kids and dh - that's not a crime! And it doesn't sound like lil has done her share of hosting over the years. No one is owed being hosted - the OP had a right to please herself occasionally .

I say, tell everyone now that you won't be having guests this year and then no one can say they had no notice. Besides, you don't know how the move will go, sometimes there are delays, things go wrong. And births can't be planned either - there's always scope for a baby to be early or late, to need extra care. Best not to commit to other people.

@Beautiful3 well done you! The issue I have is that most of our family are about 3-4 hours away so nipping anywhere isn't possible. So it's always a commitment.

@Travelisfun no plans to do any travelling to see anyone during 4th trimester. MIL would never offer to do pre cooking, I don't think it would ever enter her head to ask. She generally doesn't bring anything when she comes for Xmas.

I've suggested an early Xmas with everyone and was thinking of booking a table at local bistro for a late lunch, then back to ours for presents, sherry and mince pies, cheese and an Xmas film. Then simple breakfast laid out night before and guests leave after breakfast. SIL and BIL are quite a bit more helpful than MIL and I enjoy their company a lot more.

I don't know.. I just couldn't leave my mother on her own for Xmas ( even though she's difficult) . Think it's a very big ask if your dh.
In my head Xmas if for immediate family, ( not ringing around asking someone to take her as her son doesn't want her)
I absolutely would t run around after her biy for my dhs sake id let her come along. She is only one person.

@Irritateandunreasonable she has 6 siblings - all get on well - and she has tonnes of friends - I am not leaving her alone, giving her loads of time to make other plans

@ilovesooty exactly - I doubt they even gave it a second thought - because it's totally normal mix it up

@ImAvingOops this is spot on, its not so much her and the effort made, or even that I will have just given birth / moved house, but its the change in dynamic and wanting something different

It sounds as though there are other places she can go if she wants to.

What is this big deal posters are raising about someone being on their own on Christmas day?

Not at all - perfectly reasonable request without the house move let alone with.

Start telling everyone now that you won't be hosting so they have no excuse to moan as there's plenty of time to sort alternatives.

While I strongly believe that boundaries are our friend, I feel that this is less anxiety about hosting Christmas and more about not being keen on your MIL.

You're not only saying you don't want to host her, you're saying that by default your DH can't either. Which I'm not sure is fair seeing as she's one adult without any particular massive issues other than not being hugely technologically savvy.

Unless you can get your DH on board with a "just us" one this year, to the point where he will communicate the message to her, you're going to cause ructions for seven months stressing about it. Try not to overthink it, you've got a housemove to navigate, which is a huge head fuck, and a new baby on the way.

Try not to make having her over on Christmas day the target for all your anxiety.

And there's no reason why you shouldn't have it if it's what you want.

Well, there's no reason... other than the fact that DH lives there too.

True, but at this time in particular his wife's wishes should be more important than his mother "not being happy".

Honestly I think I would prefer to be at home, if you were invited to MILs having to uproot the children on Christmas Day is a bind.

I'd rather be at home and absolve all cooking and clear up to DH and MIL.

You still have to do the same planning with or without MIL really.

She does want to be at home.

Without her mother in law.

Do they know you'll have a newborn at Xmas? I assume you are quite early pregnant?

Op, you've hosted enough. They're grown adults with other places to go. Just say you're having a quiet one this year as you'll be recovering from birth and it is too exhausting with all of the dcs. I honestly think it is selfish for somebody to expect to be waited on hand and foot in those circumstances.
Op i went as far as just saying to my demanding unhelpful, and entitled relatives that we weren't having a dinner that year, just a pizza, funnily they never made a fuss about not coming over (cue horrified looks).

@Alainlechat we would never be invited to MIL as she has a tiny flat

@WhatASillyPredicament 👏 thank you

True, but MIL might offer to host and ease the load..

@Alainlechat the 5 of us and two dogs wouldn't fit sadly

I'd love to be hosted to be honest!

Well just do that then? If it was you doing everything, cooking/cleaning/prep etc I would say problem solved, but the fact DH does most of it means he really deserves a say as to who comes, surely the crux of this is if he's happy to have a quiet Christmas or does he want to host?

Me personally, I wouldn't see 1 extra person as any extra work, if anything it may be helpful for you with the DC if she does more of that then cooking/cleaning, especially as the toddler may already be feeling a little fragile with a newborn sibling, so another person to lavish attention on them may be a good thing.

I think your idea of getting everyone together earlier in December is a good compromise to DH as surely it would be nicer to have everyone there together (BIL/SIL) at one time, but if DH still wants to do Christmas, some compromise has to happen somewhere, maybe do Christmas just yourselves but offer to have her up between Christmas and New year for a few days?

I think you do get Christmas fatigue though, I host every year, and I love it, it hasn't got to the point where we resent it yet, but we only have guests all day (not overnight). I've seen people do it year in year out and hate it, but they feel that they 'have' to do it (no idea why!). I am biased though, my mum died a few years ago before she met my DD, and I feel like family time is precious, especially to make memories for the little ones.

For the last 30 years or more I have hosted Christmas

This includes a 5 day stay over / visit because of age of relatives / distance
I work a demanding job, have a useless DH (another thread) and have raised two kids through that period - one was a new born at one Xmas

I hate that I can’t ever just chill and kick back on my Xmas break. It’s nothing to do with feelings about the loved family members that visit. It’s just that I hate that I never once had a Christmas with just my DH and kids and that it’s too late now - as with a very small family unit left, there really is no option to say no without an elderly loved one being left totally alone at Xmas

So OP I totally get it. SIL is her actual daughter and she’s not worried about leaving her mum at Xmas. So say it now. Break the mould and set the new norm so that it won’t be assumed that you will do it every single year. Do it now while MIL still has the option of her 6 siblings and do it now so that SIL realises going forward it isn’t always down to you and your DH

YADNBU