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Original poster

Anxiety about hosting Christmas

186 replies

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 11:30

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 18/04/2023 18:25

Why would you have to pay for MIL if you went out for dinner @scroogemcfuckaduck ?
Do your parents have this high level of expectation and need to be coddled?

notthisagainn · 18/04/2023 18:25

Ffs just say no. Your family are selfish fir expecting it anyway

JudgeRudy · 18/04/2023 18:27

Yes, you are being selfish.....and that's OK.

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 18:28

@MichelleScarn we always always pay for her on meals out, she just expects it, and also she doesn't have much money (but some of course) - my Dh has done well for himself so it's not too much of a problem most the time

OP posts:
Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 18:28

@JudgeRudy yep - I need to comfy with it

OP posts:
Rebelmcstreettuff · 18/04/2023 18:29

The year I moved house in December I emailed my 3 siblings to inform them that one of them would need to invite our DM to stay over Xmas as I had no table,chair's,beds etc.
I didn't get involved in who had her, just stated it as fact.
I usually host inlaws and extended family now as you do set a precedent by always hosting so its expected.
Defo plan ahead and use your pregnancy as an excuse.

JudgeRudy · 18/04/2023 18:32

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 18:28

@JudgeRudy yep - I need to comfy with it

Yes, you are being selfish....and you're allowed. Not only do you do all the work but you're spending this year growing and birthing a child. You are entitled to put yourself first. You may be selfish, but both your husband and MIL are unfair.

Bojosfringe · 18/04/2023 18:33

Just say no. It's really easy, watch....

No!

ChocChipHandbag · 18/04/2023 18:49

MysteryBelle · 18/04/2023 17:56

It’s fine, of course you need Christmas to yourselves this year. Let the family know now so they can arrange for another host. Tell them exactly what you’ve told us, you’ll have a newborn along with the toddler and you know you’ll be exhausted and you want for this year to just have Christmas at home with your children and husband. If they’re decent people, they will totally understand and be supportive.

There's only one person who needs to be told. The BIL and SIL are already out of the equation.

aloris · 18/04/2023 18:49

I would hate to see anyone alone at Christmas and asking MIL to go to her siblings' or friends' houses is not as easy as you think. All of those people have their own families to manage and having an extra person show up would be just as hard for them to handle as it would be for YOU if your MIL said, "Hey, my brother Bob and my sister Linda have nowhere to go for Christmas, I'm sure you you won't mind if they come to yours, right?" How would you like it if, when your kids are adults, they tell you they don't want YOU around at Christmas? I think you would be really hurt.

Now, on the other hand, I can completely understand not wanting to nurse your newborn in front of other people, even (perhaps especially) your MIL, and I also can understand not wanting to put on a whole Christmas dinner when you have a newborn, and I understand the idea that even if it's your dh who does the cooking, it's going to take him away from helping you with the kids.

I think it would be reasonable to decide that for this one Christmas, you cannot manage hosting guests or a big Christmas dinner, because of having a newborn in the home. You need to hunker down a bit and just streamline what you need to do, and hosting is not one of the essential items you can manage.

However if what you want is to make this the start of permanently excluding your MIL then I think that would be very selfish.

As a separate issue, depending on your MIL's age and capability, I think you (your DH) should start asking her to do more. Whether it's bringing some snacks for Christmas morning, or buying a dessert from the grocery, or helping with load the dishwasher. She's not an infant, so unless she's disabled in some way, she should understand that she needs to contribute some effort.

ChocChipHandbag · 18/04/2023 18:50

WhatASillyPredicament · 18/04/2023 17:57

'No, it's "having X for Christmas" regardless of how they behave. You can't "host Christmas" with only one guest.'

Oh really? Who says so?

'If you've invited people over, offered to entertain, or let someone crash on your couch, then you're a host.'

You are hosting MIL for Christmas.
To "host Christmas" you would be providing the venue for a number of different guests to come together for a Christmas celebration.

sandyhappypeople · 18/04/2023 18:54

WhatASillyPredicament · 18/04/2023 18:25

@sandyhappypeople if only it was that easy for a lot of people. Everybody has different kinds of relationships, so one size really doesn't fit all. It isn't always easy to stand up to certain parents etc even as adults, and can take years of therapy in some cases.

I understand how nuanced it can be, and I was referring to the people throughout this thread who seem think their family are selfish, grabby, second class citizens, and abhor inviting them over, but still do?

You have to put up with a lot of shit through your life, work related, relationship related, family related, where you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, nothing can really be done about it, you have no choice, I know that better than anyone. Hosting Christmas isn't one of those things FFS, you can choose not to do it.

Gymnopedie · 18/04/2023 19:13

I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy.

How do you feel about telling him that you will just have pushed a very large melon out of your nether regions and if she's there you will be very much more unhappy.

Does he usually prioritise his mother over you? I'm rather guessing the answer might begin with Y.

BCBird · 18/04/2023 19:15

I stopped reading after yiu said you had hosted the last 5 times. Make it clear you are having a quiet Christmas at home without guests.

Namechangenoidea · 18/04/2023 19:21

You say hosting Xmas dinner, but from
your post its just your mother in law round?

MysteryBelle · 18/04/2023 19:21

You kind of misled us by starting out how you have the biggest house and have hosted the whole family at Christmas for five years and now you’d like to have Christmas just your h and children. I thought the other relatives could then take mil. But no, it’s that you only have mil coming, one person, and you don’t want her. That’s a bit different.

You don’t care for mil. You say she does nothing, brings nothing, cooks nothing, and you don’t like her company. She is still your husband’s mother though. However I generally am on your side that you should get to do Christmas the way you want to. But she will be alone. I really don’t understand why we all can’t do holidays how we please and why would anyone want to be where they’re not wanted? Your husband wants his mother to come over, though, right? She presumably is not aware of your feeling or else she spends Christmas at your house so she can see her son and grandchild. So the feeling may be mutual. You don’t want her, so best thing is to have husband and toddler visit her on Christmas and leave you at home with baby. Oh but you want husband to do what you want? See how that works?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 18/04/2023 19:22

YANBU at all, and the family has been totally out of order not chipping in properly.

In our family we share the load. Whoever hosts Christmas (one of the siblings) in our family chooses what part of the meal they'll do (usually the meat). Every family/couple brings a side dish or dessert (30 people/10 families-couples as most nieces and nephews in their 20s and 30s now) and the siblings chip in for the meat to share the cost. Granted we live locally so easier, but if they're staying with you they could easily chip in with the cost AND the work.

Gymnopedie · 18/04/2023 19:28

You kind of misled us by starting out how you have the biggest house and have hosted the whole family

I'd hardly call it misled when OP immediately went on to explain. Unless you only believe in reading the first two sentences?

But she will be alone.

It doesn't sound as if she has absolutely nowhere else to go besides sitting at home with a chicken dinner for one by a spluttering candle. OP says:

there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her.

It's not clear from that whether the siblings are MiL's or DH's, but why should it be the OP's job every year? Because it sounds like that's what this is going to turn into. Why can't the OP have a Christmas without MiL at least occasionally? Especially this coming one when she will be post partum?

isadoradancing123 · 18/04/2023 19:29

You say she doesnt muck in but does what you ask, if she took the initiative and did stuff you would moan that she took over

Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 19:32

What will happen when the time ultimately comes and she’s too frail to travel that length of time?

morden123 · 18/04/2023 19:55

I'm a mum and mother in law, I would think OP has done quite enough over the last five years. I have told both my children (daughters) to not get bogged down with 'who invites who and whose turn is it?'. One of my daughters hosts every year and had given birth early December, we went round just to exchange presents and cup of tea. Other daughter also gave birth one week before Xmas with complications and was invited to mine, she was very poorly, we offered to take the dinner to hers, she did come over but just to eat the meal and off they went and all fine with us. Please OP if you want a break this year, have one, your mil has lots of family members, why can't she ask one of her brothers or sisters if there's room for one more? I would host an extra brother or sister no problem. Mix it up a bit. And yes MIL there does change the dynamic, poor OP wants a break with a newborn, toddler and house move!!

MichelleScarn · 18/04/2023 20:03

so best thing is to have husband and toddler visit her on Christmas and leave you at home with baby. Oh but you want husband to do what you want? See how that works?
@MysteryBelle so if op doesn't toe the line and is #kind by doing what everyone else wants she gets punished by her family leaving her alone on Christmas day? #putupandshutup ?

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 20:05

@aloris defo not a permanent exclusion, just skipping one year of hosting, and yes I agree she needs to do a bit more - tbh I'm still working out who makes these requests me or DH, or if it matters

@Gymnopedie haha well I've never attempted to push back really, but I have recently told him it's a two night max for her to come to stay going forward and that it's too intense now I'm pregnant and we have a toddler, the last time two times she has out stayed her welcome - that for me was a learning that we need to have everything communicated up front about how long family are staying -- it's just stuff like I need to make sure I have time factored in to get my toddler out for some fresh air or she's climbing the walls

@MysteryBelle I actually like MIL but like most DIL, only in small doses. She won't be alone, as I said she a lot of siblings who mostly all have big houses and she has tonnes of friends who are single like her. DH is a very dutiful son but do I think he enjoys her being here? I'd think he is the same as me, small doses. If he wanted to take the baby up north for a couple of days around Xmas I would not mind at all, in fact I might suggest it

@isadoradancing123 no I would absolutely love it, sometimes she hovers around the dishwasher and I say 'yes you can stack it that would be great', or the classic was just putting her dirty dishes next to an empty dishwasher and I said 'yep you can put those straight in'

@Roundandnour no idea, but obviously it would very much be up to her

OP posts:
Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 20:11

@morden123 thanks for your kind words xx

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 18/04/2023 20:21

The frail issue is why things need to be mixed up sooner rather than later. There will come a point where the dc’s won’t want to spend nights in a hotel to visit gran. There will be things that they want to do locally. Your financial situation may change and hotel over Christmas no longer affordable. The dc’s might also make it known they’d like to go Lapland of wherever for Christmas.

Make this year that becomes the norm to have a year at least off. Her other child didn’t think about how selfish it would be to go away leaving you to host yet again. Why should it only be you that has to be kind?