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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anxiety about hosting Christmas

186 replies

scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 11:30

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

OP posts:
ISpyNoPlumPie · 18/04/2023 13:13

So is it just MIL who would be coming? Not SIL and BIL? I understand the reluctance to have anyone in your house after you've given birth but I'd struggle to exclude one person (especially my DH's mother...). Who will she spend Christmas with instead? All that being said, if that's what you want, I think it's fair to say to MIL, we'll be spending Christmas just the four of us, would you like to meet for a meal at (wherever) on (whatever date during the festive period)?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/04/2023 13:14

If you don’t want to host you don’t have to, just tell MIL that you’re not hosting Christmas this year.

that said she’s only one person and surely she would understand that you’ve got new baby and you won’t be going all out. Couldn’t you just do a simple Christmas with her there. I’m sure she’s more fussed about time with you and the kids than having a flash Christmas with all the trimmings

BarbaraofSeville · 18/04/2023 13:16

Why can't DH do the planning and the shopping? It kind of goes hand in with the cooking anyway, he decides what to cook, makes a list and then orders/goes buy things.

If he wants guests he can change beds and make sure the place is presentable too.

I fully understand why you don't want to do it again especially as MIL can go other places, but if he wants her round, he does the work and with family this close, it's not like you have to be full on 'genial sociable host' anyway. Surely she just takes you as she finds you and mucks in where needed. If you need to feed DC or take yourself off for a nap with the baby, you can just do that.

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 13:16

@JulianFawcettMP oh yeah I know I am being selfish, but I just want to enjoy one Xmas?!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 18/04/2023 13:16

Sounds like you'll be expected to host her forever. Has she ever cooked Christmas Dinner if your dh went to his grandparents when small?

It is only one more person so not a ton more work but like you I wouldn't be able to relax in the same way if my mil was present. So instead of lying around in pjs I'd rightly or worryingly feel the need to get dressed because she's a guest. I wouldn't want that with a newborn and a house in upheaval. I'd just say we aren't hosting this year and leave it at that. It isn't her causing the issue, it's your dh.

Allthings · 18/04/2023 13:16

So you can’t host one person for Christmas due to having a new born, but can host the whole family for a meal in early December?

You need to be totally clear to MIL as to why she is not invited rather than using a newborn as an excuse. Is your husband on board with his mother having to do her own thing? If you both don’t want her, yes, you do need to advise her asap to allow her time to get her head around things and make alternative arrangements.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/04/2023 13:18

But yes, it's April, you're thinking about this about 8 months too early.

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 13:19

@BarbaraofSeville nope doesn't muck in really - only if we specifically ask her to do things

OP posts:
RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 13:19

"I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy."

So how will you manage the meal with even more people? Why not scrap that idea and then you'll have saved enough energy to get dressed on Christmas Day

Original poster
scroogemcfuckaduck · 18/04/2023 13:21

@Sceptre86 nope I don't think she's ever hosted Xmas dinner, Dh and SIL did it from when they were young teenagers

It feels like we'll be expected to host her for forever yes

I need a break just for one year

OP posts:
SophieinParis · 18/04/2023 13:24

How much more work is having your
MIL really? Xmas is never going to be lovely and peaceful with a toddler and a newborn. Life will not be peaceful and relaxing for years. You will be exhausted whatever happens. It will make a big difference to your MIL being there though. And tbh the playing with the toddler is for me the most helpful bit. A nappy takes a second as does sticking her in her cot for her nap. Playing lasts for ages, all day really! If your MIL is good at that, I’d let her come!

Lakeyloo · 18/04/2023 13:31

I'm sorry but i would never tell my DM that she needs to make arrangements to spend Christmas with friends and not us, and my DH would never expect me to do so. It may be different if she wasn't on her own.
It's one extra person and she is your family. Husband does the cooking, cleaner does the housework. It's not as if its going to put you out much ! What happened to the spirit of Christmas 😔

ilovesooty · 18/04/2023 13:33

If you don't want her there your husband needs to tell her as early as possible that it's not happening so she knows she has to make alternative arrangements

ilovesooty · 18/04/2023 13:35

Lakeyloo · 18/04/2023 13:31

I'm sorry but i would never tell my DM that she needs to make arrangements to spend Christmas with friends and not us, and my DH would never expect me to do so. It may be different if she wasn't on her own.
It's one extra person and she is your family. Husband does the cooking, cleaner does the housework. It's not as if its going to put you out much ! What happened to the spirit of Christmas 😔

For goodness sake. What's the problem with her spending the day on her own if she doesn't get an invitation elsewhere? Or even inviting some people over for a change?

Beautiful3 · 18/04/2023 13:37

I agree with you because i was in your exact situation. Please set boundaries, because christmas is about spending time with your children, not hosting others. Forget your husband, because he's not actually doing it all. I'd send a polite message to everyone saying, "Hi I know it's early, but just letting everyone know that I won't be hosting on Christmas this year. We're having a quiet day, enjoying our children." Yes I did the same thing, there were some push backs and groans, I ignored them. We now visit each other on Christmas eve, for coffee and a mince pie. This is nice, as it frees up our Christmas day. My 5 year old at the time said it was the best Christmas ever, because she got to spend time with us. We were relaxed not rushing around. It was nicer without the adults dominating the TV and talking loudly. Best thing I've ever done. I hope you're brave enough to try it, this year.

Travelisfun · 18/04/2023 13:38

Won't it be less stress if you have everything for your toddler and newborn at your own house? Last Christmas I had a 6 week old and a 1.5 year old and hosted and was so much better knowing the children are in their own space.
What my mil did do was buy everything and pre cook at hers and bought it over... could that be an option?

DPotter · 18/04/2023 13:41

To all those pushing for the MIL to be invited to stay over for Christmas - let's take Christmas out of the equation.

Scenario
New delivered Mum with toddler. MIL wants to come and stay; she's not the type of guest who pitches in with cooking, tidying up, running the show.
Now what's your advice ? I suggest from reading many many threads about grandparents wanting to stay with a newborn, that the advice would be whatever the Mum wants over what the grandparents want, and if the Mum wants no one in the house, no one is what should happen.

If there is only one time in a woman's life where her wishes over-ride those of pretty much everyone, just after giving birth surely is that time. And now is the time to start the managing of it to make it happen.

It used to be said that moving house and the birth of a new child were 2 of the most stressful times in life, alongside death of a spouse or divorce. Well scroogemcfuckaduck knows when 2 of these are going to happen and she's planning ahead so good for her.

ps - scroogemcfuckaduck - drop the idea of an early December meet up - you'll either be just about to give birth and knackered, or will have given birth and will be absolutely knackered. And if you want to go ahead - not at yours. You sound like the sort of person who likes your home to be nicely presented for visitors - don't put yourself under this pressure.

Soakitup37 · 18/04/2023 13:44

I get it op. It’s easy to forget the early days with a newborn when you don’t want to be “on” - if you’re half bedraggled and undressed that’s your prerogative. Even if mil was the most accommodating and laid back you still would feel on duty. Forget the fact you’ll have just moved too.

that said either put down your markers now. suggest again you Do an early pre/Christmas thing or even post. If it feels as though you don’t have a choice can you express to mil you will appreciate her extra pair of hands this year, she can occupy lo while you have newborn and husband holds the kitchen. It could actually work out in your favour that way.

twilightcafe · 18/04/2023 13:44

Let MIL come round for Christmas, unless you don't get on.
DH does the donkey work. Eliminate a lot of hassle by getting the Xmas dinner from M&S.
Keep MIL out of the kitchen if she's more trouble than it's worth by then. Although there must be something she can do to help out ... peeling spuds or something? Or she can keep your toddler entertained.

ilovesooty · 18/04/2023 13:46

twilightcafe · 18/04/2023 13:44

Let MIL come round for Christmas, unless you don't get on.
DH does the donkey work. Eliminate a lot of hassle by getting the Xmas dinner from M&S.
Keep MIL out of the kitchen if she's more trouble than it's worth by then. Although there must be something she can do to help out ... peeling spuds or something? Or she can keep your toddler entertained.

If she doesn't want to she's under no obligation to host her and her husband should support that.

If she gives in she'll dread it from now until Christmas.

ReUseRepeat · 18/04/2023 13:47

YANBU

Of course you don't want to host after moving house with two young children, one of whom is a newborn! People are so selfish. You are giving MIL plenty of notice, plan a Christmas get together in December (where you don't have to cook and clean) and tell everyone this year you're having a quiet one for obvious reasons.

Don't say anything about next year, break the assumption that you'll always do it.

I've fallen into the trap and it's hard to get out of it with older relatives who helpfully can't lift a finger.

ReUseRepeat · 18/04/2023 13:48

It's not as if MIL has nowhere else to go and having someone else in the house on Christmas Day changes the whole dynamic as OP will feel she has to give some Christmas experience to the guest who let's face it probably expects one.

Delatron · 18/04/2023 13:48

I’m with you OP. We had a similar situation- I hosted/cooked Christmas dinner for the in laws for years. The best Christmas we had was lockdown- no pressure, just the 4 of us.

Even if your DH cooks, there’s all the prep, planning, beds, cleaning, clearing up after the dinner etc etc.With a toddler and a newborn? It’s your turn for a year off. And then just alternate in future. One year on one year off.

It got so bad for me, I ended up having massive meltdowns on Christmas Eve. So we’re going away next year! Problem solved.

Your MIL has plenty of other options and it will be good for her to realise this is not an every year thing.

Now is a good time to let everyone know. So they can make other plans.

TedMullins · 18/04/2023 13:48

There is nothing wrong with being selfish! It’s absolutely fine to want to do your own thing, especially as she has other places she can go. Even if she didnt, spending one Christmas on her own isn’t the end of the world! It’s not like you’re saying you’ll never host her again. I’ve never hosted a Christmas in my life and I don’t intend to. This year I’m taking myself off to east Asia and quite frankly I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that.

Wiennetta · 18/04/2023 13:49

Honestly as it’s just one extra adult, and it’s his mum, I think it would be unkind to exclude her.

What I would do is say you’re keeping it low-key this year, won’t be doing quite as much food etc - just a simple roast, and if she wants to go elsewhere she can. If she decided do join I would basically just do the day I wanted - PJs, easy roast, whatever. You don’t need to make as much fuss as you have before. And ask her to provide something specific.