Anxiety about hosting Christmas

[scroogemcfuckaduck]

Me and DH have the biggest house in the family, both MIL and SIL/BIL don't have any spare rooms. By Xmas this year we’ll have 2 DC - one toddler and one newborn. We are also moving house sometime before Xmas, so although it will hopefully be fairly settled, I envisage it’s going to take a long time to sort stuff out as I will be heavily pregnant during the move.

We have hosted Xmas for the last 5 years at our house, most the cooking and cleaning - as well as all the prep / shopping - falls to me and DH with some help with cooking one year when I was breast feeding. I just don’t want to do it again this year and it’s making me really anxious, since having kids I’ve not enjoyed it as just feel absolutely exhausted and torn. I will have a newborn and want to focus on having our first Xmas together as a family, without the pressure of hosting. It’s likely SIL and BIL will be abroad, so just MIL who is not very helpful to be honest, I have to explain how to use any kitchen appliance several times and start over everytime she comes to stay. She does help with DC but mostly playing with her, not anything like food prep, nappies, naps etc. She has never done any cooking. She is single but there are alternative places she can go for Xmas itself, several siblings and lots of friends local to her. I suggested we get together for a night at ours in early December, for an early Xmas meal with the whole family. I have said to DH that I just want a quiet Xmas but he said MIL will not be happy. She lives a few hours away so it’s not poss to travel there and back within a day.

Am I being really selfish here? I just want to enjoy a quiet Xmas with my kids and husband. We both work full time, I’m bloody exhausted, holidays are really precious.

@Roundandnour thank you yes this is a good point - definitely need to mix it up.

Also definitely not having turkey this year

I am totally with you on not hosting the whole of DH's family at Christmas, but this is actually about having his single mother at Christmas time.

It's one extra person - so 5 instead of 4. I don't really see that it's going to create huge amounts of extra work? Surely you don't need to do anything different than what you'd do without her there??

There is no way I'd let my mum go to friends at christmas over spending it with her family. And yes my DH cooks the Christmas lunch too, so I'd expect him to put a plate out for her, shock horror!

Fair enough tell DH he has to 'host' her but I don't really think it's ok to just not have her at all, when she is on her own.

But I don't think you are making it clear to anyone how having one extra person in the house will stop you from enjoying yourself.

In what way are you imagining having to 'host' her?

She is being excluded from Christmas with her nearest and dearest. I would never do that to my mum.

@Holly60
It changes the whole dynamic her being there. I would have given birth a few weeks before and have moved house a month or so before that. I will be exhausted. I don't want any guests

While I think what you did is very reasonable, I would take a step further back and wonder why your mother, an adult, needs someone to take her on and you all have to work it out between you.
I vow never to be this burden to my children and would be perfectly happy in my own company in the future. It probably helps that I had christmases growing up with just immediate family, and we haven’t had anyone else for Christmas in years. I expect my kids to have their own family Christmases when they have their own families

As your MIL maybe she feels that if she does 'muck in' without specific permission she will be in the way, if you want her to do something then ask her.

Could you give an example of a particular dynamic that is changed?

I can't really think of anything that I would do differently with my MIL present or without.

Tell your DH that his WIFE won't be happy if he does not get on board. You are not being selfish and are being perfectly reasonable. Get in now letting your in-laws know as you will have a newborn and SIL and BiL will be away this year you won't be hosting Xmas this year. You will host a lovely early Xmas meal in early December and when SiL and Bil can also attend. Stand your ground and get DH on board.

OP has already stated MiL has other options available, her siblings and she has friends too.

I think despite this there are still a number of posters slightly raising an eyebrow at the idea of refusing a parent to come at Christmas because it feels like too much effort to 'host' them.

I think like others, I'm still not entirely clear on what 'hosting' one's single mum/mum in law actually looks like, and how it is going to generate so much extra effort and work.

@Holly60
I just find it exhausting quite frankly. She is good with the toddler but she just likes the nice fun bits, any practical needs will be left to me or DH, but she is happy to watch toddler pull out drawers and cupboards and chuck stuff everywhere (obv this is fine) but would never clear up. She would never take the baby out for instance. I find myself just clearing up while they have fun and after a couple of days I start to resent this. She'll also do stuff like give the toddler her phone whilst we already tv on, it's just over stimulating.

She has never offered once to cook anything or prepare food. Other family members might make dessert in advance and bring it.

She always drinks too much and then mopes around with a hangover the next day.

Feeling like we have to plan out stuff to do because we have a guest. I have couples or friends to stay now and again, but it's always one night max with a clear agenda that we both participate in. She would never suggest anything that she wants to do.

Just little things like she'd never strip the bed at the end of the stay to help out with washing

Constantly having to re-explain how to use appliances.

Changing the subject sporadically whilst we're having a conversation and asking me loaded questions about other family members

Sitting there and watching me clear up or prep food and not offering to help

Never offering to pay for anything

Just someone else being there whilst me and DH are trying to sort stuff out for kids

Knowing that increasingly - once toddler asleep or napping - i will just need my space / time to zone out and be with my new born

OP to try to be slightly more helpful, could you significantly limit the time she is with you? So she comes on Christmas Eve and goes on Boxing Day?

Plan a take away for Christmas Eve and send her the menu and ask for the money before hand (takeaways get very busy on Xmas eve after all). Then get DH to do simple breakfast on Xmas morning, followed by him cooking Xmas day dinner. Then soup for lunch on Boxing Day and off she goes?

Then you could also ditch hosting the meal in early December, which if I'm honest sounds like far more of a pain.

When SIL and BIL get back from their hols make it clear you aren't hosting xmas again, and ask to take it in turns to have MIL in the future. If they don't want to do this, make it clear you will still be inviting her every other year.

We don't host either. Spend it at home ourselves with the DC. You should let MIL make her own arrangements. You should relax as a family of 4 on Christmas Day. Do not feel guilty!!! You are making your own traditions as a family.

The MILs siblings and friends might be going to their own adult children for Christmas.

While I'd extend an invite to anyone who I thought would be alone at Christmas I wouldn't expect my Aunt or my Mums pal who have children and grandchildren of their own to be alone.

That's an awkward conversation,
Hey Friend / Sister do you want to come to mine at Christmas, My DSon and DIL want Christmas just themselves.
Friend / Sister em well I normally go to my kids.

How do you have that conversation with your friends without making your kids sound like selfish pigs?

She does sound like a pain in some ways, to be fair.

It does sound like limiting the time she stays is the key, if your DH isn't totally on board with her not coming at all. I can understand his point of view too as it IS his mum, but I definitely agree with other posters that he does need to take over the actual prep and food etc.

Some people don't relax when they have guests staying. Or feel like they have to put on a proper Christmas. Or just want space and privacy to enjoy Christmas with their spouse and children. It's the OPs Christmas too - why is it that what she wants is never anyone's priority?
It's not right that every year mil gets exactly what she prefers, or that sil gets to go away and please herself, but the OP never gets to have a Christmas exactly the way she wants.

I'm sure that our parents also thought that they were 'making traditions' with their families when they organised Christmas for us year after year. Must be a slap in the face for some when their children grow up and tell them to do one...

Thank goodness most people don't really think like this otherwise there would be a whole lot more elderly people on their own at Christmas.

MIL can't really just invite herself to Christmas at one of her friend's houses. This is why for the most part family does step up to look after their own.

@Holly60 this just isn't how it is, sending her the menu before hand and asking for cash would go down like a tonne of shit, everything is organised for her, food curated and paid for - she is extremely entitled

It's not really about the effort required, it's about having peace and quiet this year and having some time off, creating our own traditions as a family, like I might quite like to meet up with some friends and their kids the night before and go carol singing

The meal in December feels good to me as it's a short and highly organised thing with no gaps, a small dose, and SIL and BIL will be there, and we can extend to some other relatives - and a good chance to intro new baby

Also worth noting SIL and BIL have very small flats so it wouldn't be poss to host MIL unless she slept in the living room

@MathsNervous good for you!

@Sugarfree23 they're not, and they have space - I'm not lying when I say there are places she can go

@scroogemcfuckaduck you are totally not unreasonable. I had dc1 in early December. We didn’t host. Everyone got an identical box of biscuit bought the day before.
Your MIL has other places she can go. Yes it’s a shame she can’t spent Christmas with you. However plenty of families alternate years with the GPS. We have a three yearly rotation. Christmas just us (me DH, Dc) then year with my DPs and 3rd year with DHs Dp.
Have a rest this year. It’s ok. It does not make you a bad person.

Also in the SIL/BIL flats your MiL could sleep in their bedroom and they sleep in the front room. Lots of people do this.

I can see you are in a tight spot. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable not offering to have mine or DH's mum with us if they were on their own.

You say she has other people to go to but are you absolutely sure she would get an invitation?

On the other hand, neither my mum nor my mum-in-law would think twice about contributing to a take away, and I would definitely still be going out to meet friends etc. they would be quite happy staying in and chatting to DH or watching telly etc

It's a very tricky situation, I can see that

@Holly60 we've already spoken about a 2 night rule, he's always relieved when she goes tbh