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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 17/04/2023 13:45

Have you pushed the issue with your brother in a discussion, ‘I dont believe its about messy rooms DB, whats the real problem here with DD going upstairs?’

dinmin · 17/04/2023 13:45

What do your parents say?!

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:48

SeaToSki · 17/04/2023 13:45

Have you pushed the issue with your brother in a discussion, ‘I dont believe its about messy rooms DB, whats the real problem here with DD going upstairs?’

He is such a PITA to discuss these things with. Super defensive and it is exhausting. I might just need to have that conversation. ..

OP posts:
3dogsandarabbit · 17/04/2023 13:53

I think part of the problem here is the age gap, your daughter is 3 but the cousins are 9 and 13, so of course they are going to become bored playing with your daughter and want to go off and do their own thing.

JulieHoney · 17/04/2023 13:53

I think it’s more likely 9yo and 13yo want to avoid a 3 year old. Toddlers play in a very different way.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:53

dinmin · 17/04/2023 13:45

What do your parents say?!

If they catch it, they will redirect them back downstairs. Particularly, if it is an actual activity they have gone to do upstairs (watching a movie, LEGO)

It is tricky because technically this is where their dad lives so they do not want to undermine his parenting, but they do occasionally put their foot down. They also say that he needs to fix his kids room and make it more inviting not only for my DD but more importantly - his!

They have even offered to fund it.

OP posts:
NeIIie · 17/04/2023 13:55

The age gap is very relevant. They are teens. They are presumably entitled to have the run of the house given that they live there.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:58

3dogsandarabbit · 17/04/2023 13:53

I think part of the problem here is the age gap, your daughter is 3 but the cousins are 9 and 13, so of course they are going to become bored playing with your daughter and want to go off and do their own thing.

I appreciate that. It is not the fact that they do not want to constantly play with her. She is mostly invited to continue playing but DB is the one that restricts further playing (upstairs).

The 9 year old nephew is v. protective of DD and the 13 year old niece has always wanted a little sister and actually enjoys time with her. So in this case it isn't boredom per se

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:03

NeIIie · 17/04/2023 13:55

The age gap is very relevant. They are teens. They are presumably entitled to have the run of the house given that they live there.

Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity.

I would understand if she was aggressive or unpleasant. It is weird to share DD toys but not share back.

They don't actually live there, DD is there every sunday ( 4 days a month) DBro kids are there 2 weekends a month (4 - 6 days a month)

OP posts:
Liorae · 17/04/2023 14:03

dinmin · 17/04/2023 13:45

What do your parents say?!

It seems that the OP and her brother don't care what her parents think, it's about who's kids get "free reign" in their house. To be decided by OP and her brother it seems.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:06

To be clear

The issue is not whether they want to play together. I am a very hands on auntie and It is evident they do).

The issue is the one-sided sharing of toys/ resources and space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:07

Liorae · 17/04/2023 14:03

It seems that the OP and her brother don't care what her parents think, it's about who's kids get "free reign" in their house. To be decided by OP and her brother it seems.

Show quote history

They actually do not mind having the grandchildren roaming :-)

OP posts:
Liorae · 17/04/2023 14:08

What kind of toys belonging to a 3 yr old would a 9 and 13 yr old want to play with?

You sound ridiculously territorial about your parents house.

Anoisagusaris · 17/04/2023 14:11

You can’t expect a 13 year old and 9 year old to spend all their time playing with a 3 year old.

GeekyThings · 17/04/2023 14:12

YANBU - although it at first appears to be an argument between you and your brother, judging by your parents' actions they've made it clear they agree with you, and it's their house, so your brother can't legitimately cordon off parts of it from your DD (their other grandchild).

He probably can be selfish when it comes to the toy sharing as he and his kids own the toys, but really he's also being unreasonable about it because your daughter shares hers, so it's pretty unreasonable to not reciprocate under the circumstances.

I think this is a conversation you need to have with him; failing that you need to have a chat with your parents, just be honest and say you feel unwelcome because he's doing this to your DD so you'll have to cut back on visiting them. I would think they probably have a few words with him if he's doing something they already disprove of in their home, plus because he is it means they may see their youngest grandchild less!

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:12

Liorae · 17/04/2023 14:08

What kind of toys belonging to a 3 yr old would a 9 and 13 yr old want to play with?

You sound ridiculously territorial about your parents house.

Trampoline, train set, dolls house, cars etc..

but no, you’re right and I am wrong. I have imagined them playing together and it is all in my head
😒

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:14

GeekyThings · 17/04/2023 14:12

YANBU - although it at first appears to be an argument between you and your brother, judging by your parents' actions they've made it clear they agree with you, and it's their house, so your brother can't legitimately cordon off parts of it from your DD (their other grandchild).

He probably can be selfish when it comes to the toy sharing as he and his kids own the toys, but really he's also being unreasonable about it because your daughter shares hers, so it's pretty unreasonable to not reciprocate under the circumstances.

I think this is a conversation you need to have with him; failing that you need to have a chat with your parents, just be honest and say you feel unwelcome because he's doing this to your DD so you'll have to cut back on visiting them. I would think they probably have a few words with him if he's doing something they already disprove of in their home, plus because he is it means they may see their youngest grandchild less!

Thank you. That is very helpful. I will give that a go.

I like they way you worded it and will probably frame it similarly to how you have.

OP posts:
NeIIie · 17/04/2023 14:16

No I don't think it's rude. With such an age gap I don't think you can expect his kids to entertain a 3 year old at some point on every single occasion they see their Dad.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 17/04/2023 14:16

How odd.

Does he have an issue with his children going in to the room that is set aside for your visits?

Whats the vibe like when it's just your nephew there?

Makewayforsummer · 17/04/2023 14:17

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:12

Trampoline, train set, dolls house, cars etc..

but no, you’re right and I am wrong. I have imagined them playing together and it is all in my head
😒

Show quote history

Under 6 year olds shouldn’t be on a trampoline. I can’t imagine a train set is going to hold the attention of a 9 and 13 year old for long.

Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:17

Anoisagusaris · 17/04/2023 14:11

You can’t expect a 13 year old and 9 year old to spend all their time playing with a 3 year old.

I know…. Not all, but I would expect a teen / pre teen to move on in a less abrupt way then vanishing. DD is not an app they can disregard when they are done.

in any case, they are mostly keen to continue to have her hang around but it is my brother who is the issue …. Unless I am being deluded and bias - which is possible

OP posts:
Original poster
Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:18

Makewayforsummer · 17/04/2023 14:17

Under 6 year olds shouldn’t be on a trampoline. I can’t imagine a train set is going to hold the attention of a 9 and 13 year old for long.

Show quote history

then your imagination is very stunted

OP posts:
DrMeredithGrey2023 · 17/04/2023 14:20

Just a thought - could they maybe sometimes find your child a bit too much/full on (nothing against your daughter of course, just in the way that any young child could be) and they have decided amongst them that in order to save her feelings their code to let their dad know this is that they are now going upstairs, and then it's their dad who is the bad guy?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 17/04/2023 14:21

What toys do they want to play with that belong to your 3 year old? Also what toys do they have that are appropriate to be played with by a 3 year old?

In my opinion you are being a bit unreasonable as although the kids are not there all the time, they are your brothers kids and he is there all the time so it is their second home. You and your daughter are just visiting and its totally reasonable for teens to not want to play with a 3 year old for the whole day.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 17/04/2023 14:22

I think you are the unreasonable one op. This is your db's home and his children's second home. My dc hated being forced to take on their preschool cousin for anything longer than an hour. This isn't a play date. You can't expect them to allow her into their bedroom. It's your parents house, your db's home and your dns' father's home in which you are the visitor.