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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
threatmatrix · 19/04/2023 11:04

Start doing the same with his kids and see what happens.

badger2005 · 19/04/2023 11:27

threatmatrix · 19/04/2023 11:04

Start doing the same with his kids and see what happens.

I really don't get why you'd do this.
Presumably if you ban the older dc from playing with the OP's dd's toys, then when the OP's dd wants to play with her toys the older dc will have to stop joining in, which will make the OP's dd less happy? And get in the way of what sounds like realistically a v nice relationship?
And if you ban the older dc from going upstairs, then they'll be confused and upset at not being able to go to their rooms. And then (if you manage to get your way on this) they will stay downstairs and start ignoring the OP's dd/telling her to go away, which she will find more upsetting than just being told that she can't go upstairs when they go because it is messy? If they are super-compliant children maybe they'll keep playing with the OP's dd if they have to stay downstairs, but it really is an unreasonable thing to expect them to do every Sunday for more than an hour or so when they want a break!

threatmatrix · 19/04/2023 12:23

But it might make the her brother have a little think about how vile he’s being. You’d obviously talk to your child about it first. As she said it’s not the kids it’s their father. He needs to be shown how ridiculous he’s being.

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2023 13:25

threatmatrix · 19/04/2023 12:23

But it might make the her brother have a little think about how vile he’s being. You’d obviously talk to your child about it first. As she said it’s not the kids it’s their father. He needs to be shown how ridiculous he’s being.

Why is the brother being 'vile'? Merely because he's not giving the 3yo unfettered access to wherever she wants to go and also make his kids accept their aunt's demands that his pre and teen children must play with the 3yo for as long as she wants?
Oh and also they need to 'share their toys' with her. Still unclear as to what 'toys' a 13 yo has that they should share with a 3yo!

LadyMuckingabout · 19/04/2023 13:30

What is the OP and her parents up to whilst there’s all this “play” drama?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 14:15

threatmatrix · 19/04/2023 12:23

But it might make the her brother have a little think about how vile he’s being. You’d obviously talk to your child about it first. As she said it’s not the kids it’s their father. He needs to be shown how ridiculous he’s being.

Vile? Do me a favour. He hasn’t made OP’s daughter scrub floors while his daughters go to the ball.

The OP can’t “do the same to his kids” because she doesn’t bloody live there. That’s the crux of the whole issue - OP wants some kind of equality of access over someone else’s house. She’s still acting like a child stamping her feet because her brother has got something she hasn’t.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 14:19

LadyMuckingabout · 19/04/2023 13:30

What is the OP and her parents up to whilst there’s all this “play” drama?

I found this quite telling:

For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

Why didn’t the OP know where her three year-old daughter was? Was she simply assuming the older cousins would watch her?

clarehhh · 19/04/2023 14:24

Just go less often , obviously 9 and 13 will get bored of a 3 year old. If you go less they will be more interested and inclined to include her.

jannier · 19/04/2023 15:06

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 10:32

YANBU
The simplest way to retain a degree of fairness is if your DD were able to go to their/your room and be able to lock it when you're not there (stopping cousins playing with her toys). If a better (more adult) result can't be found I'd at least ask for this....although (as another poster mentioned) the talk with parents and saying you'd have to cut down visits as you don't like your DD feeling unwelcome seems a decent response.
I don't see the age range as an excuse for unfairness - they're not their full time and they have more time to isolate themselves than your DD.
(You say it's more your brother but keep in mind at least one of your dd's cousin's might have asked him to do it)
Good Luck

So your really happy for a 9 and 13 year old to give up the whole Sunday every Sunday to babysit a 3 year old.....I guess they should be sat on chairs reading the Bible to her as well

Liorae · 19/04/2023 15:23

LadyMuckingabout · 19/04/2023 13:30

What is the OP and her parents up to whilst there’s all this “play” drama?

I don't know about the OP. But I would bet good money her parents are rolling their eyes and wishing they didn't have to listen to this juvenile bickering every Sunday.
OP should invite her parents to hers at least once a month when her brother has his kids. It would give her daughter one on one time with her grandparents, and give her brother a day of family time, just him and his kids.

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2023 15:26

jannier · 19/04/2023 15:06

So your really happy for a 9 and 13 year old to give up the whole Sunday every Sunday to babysit a 3 year old.....I guess they should be sat on chairs reading the Bible to her as well

Show quote history

Agree and also some pp really do seem to think that the 3yo not being centred is her being 'unwelcome' in the GPs home, but OP hasn't mentioned anything about not getting enough attention from the GPs just the cousins. So it's actually a bit unnerving 'make the cousins give her the attention I want or we won't come anymore (sad face)'.
And yes agree with @WomanStanleyWoman2 whys it the tweenage cousins fault op didn't know where her toddler child was!

fUNNYfACE36 · 19/04/2023 16:21

It is their home, not yours and not your dc's.

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 16:29

jannier · 19/04/2023 15:06

So your really happy for a 9 and 13 year old to give up the whole Sunday every Sunday to babysit a 3 year old.....I guess they should be sat on chairs reading the Bible to her as well

Show quote history

I guess you didn't understand either my post or the OP. It's a matter of fairness it's the parents house not the OPs brother. No kid should be forced to do anything in this situation but you can't have it both ways and that's the issue her DDs stuff = free for all
cousins = not only their own space but the whole floor.... including where her DDs toys are.
It's not rocket science (hail Mary's are not required) and I'm inclined to think it's more a brother problem (but that's a hunch)

A simple easy solution would be locks on the children's doors...the older ones just need bolts on the inside the OPs room obviously needs a proper lock so that privacy is respected (both ways)

In the words of the late great Dave Allen
May your god go with you.

jannier · 19/04/2023 19:15

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 16:29

I guess you didn't understand either my post or the OP. It's a matter of fairness it's the parents house not the OPs brother. No kid should be forced to do anything in this situation but you can't have it both ways and that's the issue her DDs stuff = free for all
cousins = not only their own space but the whole floor.... including where her DDs toys are.
It's not rocket science (hail Mary's are not required) and I'm inclined to think it's more a brother problem (but that's a hunch)

A simple easy solution would be locks on the children's doors...the older ones just need bolts on the inside the OPs room obviously needs a proper lock so that privacy is respected (both ways)

In the words of the late great Dave Allen
May your god go with you.

Show quote history

It's not the ops room it's a guest room with a toy box for the youngest child when she visits on Sunday....a 3 year olds toys are of no more interest to a 9 or 13 year old than to an adult so are not being played with when the 3 year old isn't there.....the adults are not upstairs playing so the toys are brought down by the older children where the play can be supervised by the adults....guessing if she's like most 3 year olds that's to stop her ruining their stuff which is not age appropriate anyway.
The older children sound like they are trying to get away from the 3 year old...the op sounds like she wants the 3 year old upstairs out of her hair....she also is obviously jealous of her brother living with his parents but as he does live there whatever way you frame it it's his home not hers ....not her daughter's her daughter is the guest. The sons children are home with dad and home with mum they have two homes.
Why would you padlock a guest bedroom door? Do you let people go in your bedroom whenever they want? Read your books ( or throw them if they are 3) play with your makeup etc? Because their belongings( not toys they probably don't have them) are about as appropriate as your things.

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 19:49

Half the things your saying are not mentioned in the OPs posts.....
If she had said what you are saying I might not disagree with you...but as it is I'll agree to disagree.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/04/2023 19:54

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 14:19

I found this quite telling:

For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

Why didn’t the OP know where her three year-old daughter was? Was she simply assuming the older cousins would watch her?

Show quote history

I thought this too - why wasn’t the Op or her husband (if there) keeping an eye on the 3 yo throughout?

Surely it was perfect that the 3 yo then played football with her mum whilst the older ones got some chill time?

Acornsoup · 19/04/2023 20:11

@Vynalbob

It is not fair to expect access to another's time, space or property. If it is freely given, that is another thing.

The GP, DB and DNs appear to be cooperating up to a point. This should be respected. I bet the GP don't love the tension every single Sunday.

Even if the OP lived in the house, she would not be 'entitled' to control time or property of anyone else. The GP can invite anyone they like to live with them under any terms they are agreeable too. The DB paying rent or not is nobody's business.

When you say the DB can't have it both ways, what exactly do you mean? What do you think he is having?

Both you and the OP seem to have imagined some 'advantage' he is having. I don't expect it's very nice for him. He and his DC are having to make massive adjustments to their lives.

The OP would do well to give everyone a bit of space. It must be like Groundhog Day every flipping Sunday.

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 20:32

Acornsoup · 19/04/2023 20:11

@Vynalbob

It is not fair to expect access to another's time, space or property. If it is freely given, that is another thing.

The GP, DB and DNs appear to be cooperating up to a point. This should be respected. I bet the GP don't love the tension every single Sunday.

Even if the OP lived in the house, she would not be 'entitled' to control time or property of anyone else. The GP can invite anyone they like to live with them under any terms they are agreeable too. The DB paying rent or not is nobody's business.

When you say the DB can't have it both ways, what exactly do you mean? What do you think he is having?

Both you and the OP seem to have imagined some 'advantage' he is having. I don't expect it's very nice for him. He and his DC are having to make massive adjustments to their lives.

The OP would do well to give everyone a bit of space. It must be like Groundhog Day every flipping Sunday.

Chinese whispers abound

Acornsoup · 19/04/2023 20:35

@Vynalbob

What are you on about now Grin

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2023 21:48

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 20:32

Chinese whispers abound

Show quote history

I've just had my first glass of wine in the 8 months I was pregnant for and since got out of hospital after birth, and I feel it must have hit me hard as haven't a scooby what this is!

jannier · 19/04/2023 23:52

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 19:49

Half the things your saying are not mentioned in the OPs posts.....
If she had said what you are saying I might not disagree with you...but as it is I'll agree to disagree.

Like what did you actually read it

threatmatrix · 20/04/2023 00:50

In your totally unwanted opinion of course.

threatmatrix · 20/04/2023 00:51

I’m entitled to my opinion as are you.

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