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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
footiemum3 · 17/04/2023 16:16

I think the problem is a 3 year olds toys are suitable for anyone to play with where a 9 and 13 year olds are likely to be unsuitable and easily broken.

Northernparent68 · 17/04/2023 16:16

Op, to save this tension, why don’t you invite your grandpa to your house

MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 16:16

I mean, I would be as annoyed as you are, but I’d be consoling myself with the fact that your brother sounds like a loser (and your mum is clearly also irritated by him appropriating her house for his children’s sole use to the detriment of her other grandchild as if it’s his house). You and your daughter go home to your own proper, full-time house with your husband/father. You win in this scenario.

MargaretThursday · 17/04/2023 16:17

If the 9yo and 13yo want to play with her then they know they can play downstairs. If they wanted to continue playing with her then they'd have come down again.

At that age they need space, and their rooms may have lots of things that having a 3yo round isn't a good idea. I remember by dsis blocking her door to me and dbro (younger siblings) when she was using her microscope-it was a very good one but there was potential for damage either to the microscope or to inquisitive younger ones who were trying to help/look too.

Having the rule that she can't go into their rooms may well help keep their relationship going. If they feel that every Sunday they have to play with her and get nowhere where they can go to be alone, then they may resent her. And, as I said, if they want to play with her, they can come downstairs.

I adored my much younger cousins at that age, but they can be very intense and wanting to be with you all the time. I never minded, but I can also understand how if it's every week they may not want to play all the time.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 16:17

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3

I have read this numerous times, maybe I'm thick but what does it mean?

Anyway, I would put money on the fact that your niece and nephew have asked their dad not to let your dd in their room, they dont want a toddler in their messing with their stuff.

TempName247 · 17/04/2023 16:18

Myamoth · 17/04/2023 14:56

I thought the OP was being reasonable to be upset until I read the ages of the children - OP your daughter is 3, her cousins are 9 and 13!! Are you mad? Of course they play with her toys (with her) and don't share their own, no way are any of their toys going to be suitable for a 3 year old, they would either hurt her or she would break them. They go to their room for a break when they have had enough of baby play, that's why your daughter can't go with them. They have a deal with their Dad that he will tell your daughter she can't go in their room "because it's messy". That's not the reason at all, he says that to spare her/your feelings, the real reason is because they don't want to spend the entire day playing with a 3 year old, they want to spend some time doing more age appropriate activities. And that should be perfectly ok. 3 year olds are very hard work. I think it's really sweet that the two older children chose to spend any time at all with her, and you should appreciate that, rather than insisting the poor kids spend the entire time they are at their Dad's child minding your daughter. To use an old MN saying, you need to give your head a wobble!

Totally this!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 16:18

*There!

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2023 16:18

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:03

Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity.

I would understand if she was aggressive or unpleasant. It is weird to share DD toys but not share back.

They don't actually live there, DD is there every sunday ( 4 days a month) DBro kids are there 2 weekends a month (4 - 6 days a month)

Show quote history

It's their Dad's home and they love with their Dad 5 days a month. Ergo it's their home those days.

Your daughter does not live there. There might be a bedroom set aside in homage to you that you've filled with her toys but she doesn't live there. She may sleep over there.

No idea why DBro doesn't want your DD hanging out with her cousins in their room. I suspect its their age or worried she'll make a mess etc.

But you can't act like it's just a place they're all hanging our, or you and DD visiting your parents is like your DD having a play date.

CheeseMcKnees · 17/04/2023 16:20

You have a room at your parents house decorated in your husband’s style?

SemperIdem · 17/04/2023 16:21

He possibly just doesn’t think it’s appropriate for his 9 and 13 year olds to be the ones keeping a watchful eye on a 3 year old without adult supervision.

He is right.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 16:21

CheeseMcKnees · 17/04/2023 16:20

You have a room at your parents house decorated in your husband’s style?

Yeah, I just cant work that out, that and the fact his 'Style' is the same as a 3 year old girl! Confused

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 16:22

CheeseMcKnees · 17/04/2023 16:20

You have a room at your parents house decorated in your husband’s style?

It's the parents I feel for... Heaven forbid they want to decorate or downsize Shock or do something different on a weekend

Albiboba · 17/04/2023 16:23

@MiddleParking You and your daughter go home to your own proper, full-time house with your husband/father. You win in this scenario.

What a dick comment!

NotAnotherBathBomb · 17/04/2023 16:24

JulieHoney · 17/04/2023 13:53

I think it’s more likely 9yo and 13yo want to avoid a 3 year old. Toddlers play in a very different way.

100 this. I was shocked that I needed to explain to my parents on a massive family holiday why I, a woman in her 30s, paying for my own separate accommodation with a group of other cousins a similar age, didn't want to hang out with my 13 year old cousin (who btw had a sibling and and other cousin, albeit 2 years younger). Her dad got mad and went off at us for 'excluding' her Confused

Tibtilkobkob · 17/04/2023 16:25

This whole post is so weird. Why is this even an issue? Why do you feel entitled to their time? Are you using them as unpaid babysitters/entertainers for your daughter? Also re toy sharing I don't know about them using hers but it's likely none of their toys are age appropriate for her anyway. Or they might be worried she'll break them as 3 year olds are wont to do.

You say they want to play with her and yet 'leave abruptly'. I suspect they want space and your brother is taking on the bad guy role in enforcing that they get it.

Tibtilkobkob · 17/04/2023 16:27

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/04/2023 16:21

Yeah, I just cant work that out, that and the fact his 'Style' is the same as a 3 year old girl! Confused

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Yes this too! So bizarre!

Snaketime · 17/04/2023 16:32

Could it be that tour DD is only 3 and your DB doesn't like the thought of her being unsupervised yes there are 2 older kids there but even then accidents happen, he might be worried incase she falls down the stairs for example. Toddlers are notoriously difficult to predict. My DH wont even let my 5 year old go upstairs on his own without supervision.

Lavenderflower · 17/04/2023 16:32

I think your parents home is your brothers and his children home - I think it fine if they don't want your daughter in their bedrooms.

jannier · 17/04/2023 16:34

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:03

Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity.

I would understand if she was aggressive or unpleasant. It is weird to share DD toys but not share back.

They don't actually live there, DD is there every sunday ( 4 days a month) DBro kids are there 2 weekends a month (4 - 6 days a month)

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Presumably your daughter's friends are around her age with similar interests and abilities so the toys they have are not suitable for her.....who would supervise your 3 year old while she's up there too?

MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 16:35

Honestly hell would freeze over before I’d be deferential to my adult brother being territorial over my mother’s house in a way that she, my mother, was clearly uncomfortable with. It’s a shame for his kids that he isn’t providing a space for his kids where they can be uninterrupted but that’s on him, no one else.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 16:35

You say they want to play with her and yet 'leave abruptly'. I suspect they want space and your brother is taking on the bad guy role in enforcing that they get it.
Agree with this and good on him for supporting his children to have boundaries.
It's frustrating when children fell entitled to have access to everything, regardless of how other children feel.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/04/2023 16:35

Makewayforsummer · 17/04/2023 14:17

Under 6 year olds shouldn’t be on a trampoline. I can’t imagine a train set is going to hold the attention of a 9 and 13 year old for long.

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Under 6s shouldn't be on a trampoline? Tell that to my 5 yr old currently ruling the roost on ours with the 'big kids' (11,12 and 13) .

All still love a train set.

whumpthereitis · 17/04/2023 16:35

I would suspect they’ve spoken to their father and made an arrangement tbh. Once they’ve had enough and go upstairs they invite her with them so as to not appear rude, but have their father play the role of the bad guy that prevents her from following them.

caringcarer · 17/04/2023 16:35

I'd have a word with your Mum and ask that your room is just for you, DD and DH. Cousins have their own room so should not be in your room. I'd tell your parents your brother is making you feel unwelcome so you will reluctantly have to cut down visits. Why not invite your parents to visit you in your home. Then they would not have to share grandparents with cousins every single time.

Devoutspoken · 17/04/2023 16:37

What is the lower age limit for trampoline use? And is there an upper one!

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