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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
jannier · 17/04/2023 21:49

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 18:45

They are my niece and nephew- there is no way I would see them hungry. Their mother trusts that they are being fed and looked after … even if DBro is literally just spending his time staring at his tablet all the flipping time

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So the grandparents say nothing and everyone watches them go hungry until you arrive but their only concern is to call you to see when you're coming so they will see you before they go home? And the oldest one can't get cereal for themselves?

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 21:54

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 20:50

He's not sidelining her though. He's just not centreing her as OP would like.

IT's OP that has the issue here. She's mad that her brothers kids play with her kid but not as long as she wants them to, or in the way she wants them to, and she doesn't think they are allowed any space from her child or to go do stuff without it.

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Oh but op is GREAT friends with the dbro's ex, and also spends time at her house (am assuming ex marital home) visiting with the 3 yo and of course has a GREAT relationship with the ex. Am also as with pp imagining there is huge backstory of poor relationship with the brother and op really really dislikes him.

jannier · 17/04/2023 21:54

Makewayforsummer · 17/04/2023 19:58

Yes, it’s not safe. Obviously lots of parent’s choose to allow their children do things which isn’t safe.

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Definitely I know a child that got a spiral fracture playing on a trampoline with older kids SS got involved because of the type of fracture being associated with abuse.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 17/04/2023 22:01

You sound very odd, OP. Why on earth would you think it appropriate for a three year old to play with a 13 year old’s things for starters? You also sound weirdly territorial about your parents’ house. You don’t live there. The others do. Chill out and stop letting your three year old bother teenagers. They have every right to not let her in their rooms.

jannier · 17/04/2023 22:20

I can't imagine a situation where I'm besties with my siblings ex that must be a real slap in your brother's face. As a parent if my child was doing this I'd be speaking up and saying that's out of order you stand by family

MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 22:39

jannier · 17/04/2023 22:20

I can't imagine a situation where I'm besties with my siblings ex that must be a real slap in your brother's face. As a parent if my child was doing this I'd be speaking up and saying that's out of order you stand by family

What would you do in the very likely scenario your child laughed in your face at the idea you’d have any say in their adult friendships and carried on as they had been doing?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/04/2023 06:56

jannier · 17/04/2023 22:20

I can't imagine a situation where I'm besties with my siblings ex that must be a real slap in your brother's face. As a parent if my child was doing this I'd be speaking up and saying that's out of order you stand by family

Op has not said anything to indicate there is any bad blood between her brother and his ex. Its not that unusual that op would remain friends really.

jannier · 18/04/2023 08:30

MiddleParking · 17/04/2023 22:39

What would you do in the very likely scenario your child laughed in your face at the idea you’d have any say in their adult friendships and carried on as they had been doing?

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Be very disappointed in them it's obvious that the marriage will have been pulled apart and the brother discussed that's appalling. I couldn't force my son to be around that so if he wasn't happy knowing every meeting with his sister will be discussed with his ex I wouldn't be forcing him to meet his sibling.

MiddleParking · 18/04/2023 08:33

jannier · 18/04/2023 08:30

Be very disappointed in them it's obvious that the marriage will have been pulled apart and the brother discussed that's appalling. I couldn't force my son to be around that so if he wasn't happy knowing every meeting with his sister will be discussed with his ex I wouldn't be forcing him to meet his sibling.

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Barking.

jannier · 18/04/2023 08:46

MiddleParking · 18/04/2023 08:33

Barking.

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Why the op obviously does not get on with her brother, seems very jealous he lives at home and is clinging onto her bedroom despite having her own home, she's slagged off his parenting on here is it too much of a stretch to think she's not doing it with his ex

Liorae · 18/04/2023 08:54

MiddleParking · 18/04/2023 08:33

Barking.

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Forcing a 38 yr old man to meet his sibling? Seriously?

changeme4this · 18/04/2023 18:58

I think it’s lovely all of the cousins get regular catch ups and at the grandparents. It’s so refreshing to read!

no I wouldn’t reduce your visits to your parents home but I would have a chat with them. As another poster said maybe Gran & Pop can use that time with your DD as a one in one with them ? I have read your posts but don’t recall hearing much of what they are doing when the cousins are together…

another thing to ask is if DB has an issue with children’s noise? Is this why he is ok about his two going up stairs? Perhaps if anyone is to leave on occasion it should be him ? Go and have a coffee with his tablet elsewhere… ?

Beautiful3 · 18/04/2023 19:15

My children are 9 and 13. If they have a very young child here, they'd play for a few hours then go to their rooms. They'd find it too much, and want to chill out. If the young guest followed them upstairs, they'd tell me to take them downstairs. So I do think you're being a little unreasonable.

CelestiaNoctis · 18/04/2023 22:28

Wow I literally could have written this? About the kids going back upstairs and closing the door on my daughter and playing amongst themselves without her. Except its 3 of them not 2 lol. I just say that they're weird and we move on. It's very very weird for sure. Especially a guy that old living at home and treating it like they're house and having the audacity to be so rude to other family members.

Mamanyt · 19/04/2023 00:36

I'd make it very clear to both DB and his DCs that sharing goes both ways. If they will not share toys with your daughter, then they may keep their grubby mitts (maybe not use this term, though, unless you are itching for a major row) off of hers. If that does not work, purchase a travel trunk, put her toys in it, and LOCK IT UP WHEN YOU LEAVE. And that takes care of the sharing issue.

As for your DB not wanting your DD going upstairs, inform him that she is just as much your parent's grandchild as his, and until and unless she goes into their private space, it is really not his business. As for going into their room to play, that's a bit iffy. Just don't allow DB's kids in HER space when you are there.

Liorae · 19/04/2023 02:41

Mamanyt · 19/04/2023 00:36

I'd make it very clear to both DB and his DCs that sharing goes both ways. If they will not share toys with your daughter, then they may keep their grubby mitts (maybe not use this term, though, unless you are itching for a major row) off of hers. If that does not work, purchase a travel trunk, put her toys in it, and LOCK IT UP WHEN YOU LEAVE. And that takes care of the sharing issue.

As for your DB not wanting your DD going upstairs, inform him that she is just as much your parent's grandchild as his, and until and unless she goes into their private space, it is really not his business. As for going into their room to play, that's a bit iffy. Just don't allow DB's kids in HER space when you are there.

You sound deranged.

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2023 04:14

Liorae · 19/04/2023 02:41

You sound deranged.

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And am sure a 9 and 13 yo will be devastated that a toddlers toys will be locked away 🤨.
My concern is really for the 3 yo in all of this, who when op pushes for locking away the 3yo toys, demands 3yo is given unfettered access to their rooms and that she is permitted to go wherever they go and they MUST give her undivided attention, that after a while the rather kind and polite way they have been interacting with her will be wearing for them, especially if they have their Aunt berating them for not being 'enough' and they'll just withdraw completely.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 08:09

Exactly. Probably the only reason the older children even bring out those toys is because they know their little cousin will want to play with them. Entertaining a three year-old with her train set isn’t “getting to play with it”. If you believe the OP, a 13 year-old is casting covetous glances at it the minute she and her daughter leave her parent’s house. No gaming or listening to music or TikTok for this teenager! No, train sets and dolls houses designed for toddlers are where it’s at!

jannier · 19/04/2023 08:14

CelestiaNoctis · 18/04/2023 22:28

Wow I literally could have written this? About the kids going back upstairs and closing the door on my daughter and playing amongst themselves without her. Except its 3 of them not 2 lol. I just say that they're weird and we move on. It's very very weird for sure. Especially a guy that old living at home and treating it like they're house and having the audacity to be so rude to other family members.

It is his home therefore their home he's lived there for years ...if you have a split family and children went to see mum at the weekends would you call them visitors?

jannier · 19/04/2023 08:18

Mamanyt · 19/04/2023 00:36

I'd make it very clear to both DB and his DCs that sharing goes both ways. If they will not share toys with your daughter, then they may keep their grubby mitts (maybe not use this term, though, unless you are itching for a major row) off of hers. If that does not work, purchase a travel trunk, put her toys in it, and LOCK IT UP WHEN YOU LEAVE. And that takes care of the sharing issue.

As for your DB not wanting your DD going upstairs, inform him that she is just as much your parent's grandchild as his, and until and unless she goes into their private space, it is really not his business. As for going into their room to play, that's a bit iffy. Just don't allow DB's kids in HER space when you are there.

As a regular recipient of no longer played with toys I can tell you donations of Duplo, train sets, brio, board games etc are regularly made by 6 and 7 year olds 9 year olds do not want it ....I guess you have preschoolers

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2023 09:00

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 08:09

Exactly. Probably the only reason the older children even bring out those toys is because they know their little cousin will want to play with them. Entertaining a three year-old with her train set isn’t “getting to play with it”. If you believe the OP, a 13 year-old is casting covetous glances at it the minute she and her daughter leave her parent’s house. No gaming or listening to music or TikTok for this teenager! No, train sets and dolls houses designed for toddlers are where it’s at!

Oh she must be @WomanStanleyWoman2 can imagine the Snapchat going on with 13 yo and friends (if that's still the thing they use...)

  • what you get up to this weekend, I went down the beach and hung out and saw group of 3rd years playing basketball.. well fit!
  • Well I was playing with Polly Pocket and Hey Duggie toys ALL DAY! It was just the best, AND got to go on the trampoline too...
-oh wow! Totally jealous, that sounds MUCH better! 😆
Hmm1234 · 19/04/2023 10:20

Wow you have a whole mansion to roam and are complaining about not being allowed in personal space- bedrooms

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 10:32

YANBU
The simplest way to retain a degree of fairness is if your DD were able to go to their/your room and be able to lock it when you're not there (stopping cousins playing with her toys). If a better (more adult) result can't be found I'd at least ask for this....although (as another poster mentioned) the talk with parents and saying you'd have to cut down visits as you don't like your DD feeling unwelcome seems a decent response.
I don't see the age range as an excuse for unfairness - they're not their full time and they have more time to isolate themselves than your DD.
(You say it's more your brother but keep in mind at least one of your dd's cousin's might have asked him to do it)
Good Luck

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 10:34

Vynalbob · 19/04/2023 10:32

YANBU
The simplest way to retain a degree of fairness is if your DD were able to go to their/your room and be able to lock it when you're not there (stopping cousins playing with her toys). If a better (more adult) result can't be found I'd at least ask for this....although (as another poster mentioned) the talk with parents and saying you'd have to cut down visits as you don't like your DD feeling unwelcome seems a decent response.
I don't see the age range as an excuse for unfairness - they're not their full time and they have more time to isolate themselves than your DD.
(You say it's more your brother but keep in mind at least one of your dd's cousin's might have asked him to do it)
Good Luck

Excuse the there/their confusion I didn't check my grandma before posting 🙄🙄🙄

Inwiththenew · 19/04/2023 10:56

The age is definitely relevant here. I think you’re being a bit precious. There’s a certain amount of responsibility needed around toddlers and it’s not fair to expect youngsters to supervise. Their dad is probably just looking out for his own kids. If your little girl had some sort of accident while in their room would you blame them?