Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

[Energydrink]

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

I think your dd is very lucky to have older cousins who are happy to play with her and I not sure that their "toys" (do 13-year-old girls have toys?) would be appropriate for such a small child. I reckon their father diplomatically defending their right to stop playing with the toddler when they've had enough

I think it's strange you still think your old bedroom is your room....it's not yes you sleep in it when you stop over and tha family refer to it as such from want of a description but surely your stuff is in your own home, guests would stay in that room if your parents ever had any and it's even been redecorated .....it comes over a bit that your resentful of your brother and his kids actually having a room there.

But why the unnecessary drama? Kids are being kids - they are not being disrespectful or nasty in anyway. The OP can read the advice and hopefully get a balanced perspective. There is no need intervene, tell Mom, talk to the kids etc.

He just needs to say that.

My DD goes off to play with friends older children. With those who have siblings they play with her one at a time, but are told not to leave her alone with their toys.

Maybe the children are too nice to have said anything directly but have voiced their feelings to their dad.....most polite children would do this.

I'd be interested to know how long ago several years is, if he has any plans to get his own place, and if he contributes enough financially to cover the cost of having an extra adult there full time, and at least 1 child there every other week.

If not, I think it's quite the pisstake that he thinks he can tell your daughter she isn't to go upstairs.

OP why would they share toys with a toddler? They live there, YABU and ridiculous tbh

In what way does her brother sound like a loser? He is not just travelling numerous times a week to do school runs etc for his ex, He is having not only his biological child but also his step daughter every other weekend. Doesnt sound like a loser to me.

This is none of OP's business and not a relevant point.

What arrangements he has with his parents has nothing to do with the thread and actually nothing to do with Op either!

I also thought this^
They are playing together and going things together but at some point they are bored and don’t want to play with your daughter anymore. It is too much for their age to negotiate it with her or you or someone else so they use simple agreed approach - they go upstairs ( of course abruptly because they are 9 and 13, they don’t do long polite exits) , their dad stops your daughter because she listens him but won’t listen them. Job done.
I think you are unreasonable not to consider that they can play with your Dd only limited time.
Going into your room is a very different issue. I would raise it
with your parents first. As to playing with DD toys - again it’s difficult as obviously they don’t want to share things with her as she is younger , their toys are very different. You have to find a middle ground, they have to share something and show kindness to her but lower your expectations.
I think they are doing great playing with your DD at least some time.
No way I would play with 3 years old when I was 13. I wouldn’t want them in my room and would be very upset about them being anywhere near my things.

My guess is that he and his children have an arrangement that when they get tired of the 3 yr old they go upstairs and he prevents her from following.

I think this is really likely to be the case.

It’s lovely of the 9 and 13 yos to play for a while with your 3 yo. And to give the impression of enjoying it. Of course they want to escape up to their room after a while.

I think the title of this thread betrays a real misunderstanding of what’s going on - it’s not three equal cousins hanging out together, it’s two older ones kinds babysitting/ entertaining a toddler.

YABU OP. The cousins are too old to play freely with a 3 year old for very long and may have told their father they feel like free babysitters. It's not fair to them.

I also think you are being unreasonable. It is important that the older children have their own space they can choose to retreat to when they want to.
If your daughter wanted your shared room at the house to be a no-go area for her cousins when you are there then that would also be fine.

Her cousins are far more likely to enjoy playing with her if they can withdraw and do other things when they've had enough. Three year olds are very cute but quite repetitive, adults usually need a break after a while, never mind other, older children. They are not at the same stage of development.

Er, he’s doing school runs because he has school age children. And having your kids every other weekend in your mum’s house does not a non-loser make. Quite the opposite.

I'd be interested to know how long ago several years is, if he has any plans to get his own place, and if he contributes enough financially to cover the cost of having an extra adult there full time, and at least 1 child there every other week.

If not, I think it's quite the pisstake that he thinks he can tell your daughter she isn't to go upstairs.
None of that is relevant. His living situation and arrangements are between him and his parents. Not the OP (who despite being an adult with her own child still talks about having her own room at her parents' house and seems very territorial)

The children have a home in the place their father lives.

The OP is visiting with her 3 year old child.

Why on earth should older children be told they can have no privacy because a visiting aunt is getting stroppy that her 3 year old should go everywhere?

What arrangements he has with his parents has nothing to do with the thread and actually nothing to do with Op either!

As I said, I think if he doesn't contribute enough to cover the costs of him staying there, my opinion is that he is taking the piss by laying down any rules regarding who can do what in his parents home, which actually is relevant to the thread

As I said, I think if he doesn't contribute enough to cover the costs of him staying there, my opinion is that he is taking the piss by laying down any rules regarding who can do what in his parents home, which actually is relevant to the thread

The financial arrangements of adults has nothing to do with giving children an appropriate amount of space in the home where they live.

Do you genuinely think that older CHILDREN should not get any space in the home where they live based on how the adults have arranged finances?

I think this is a key point. It's reasonable for an older kid or teenager to be wary of a toddler handling their stuff, especially out of sight of their parents eg in their room.

Also, I have a similar gap between mine and I recognise very well the dynamic where a 9 year old loves a 3 year old and enjoys playing with them for a while, but then really needs a break from it.. there's nothing wrong with that! And yes when Ds was 3 he didn't understand that and it upset him sometimes but we explained his sister needed some quiet time on her own now or to do big girl things and he gradually learned to deal with it better (although still at 7 and 13 it occasionally upsets him, but children don't have a right to never be upset or to always have someone's attention, even if that person loves them). It's good to learn about personal space and boundaries and that it isn't personal.

As for whether it is rude of them, you can't compare it to a playdate or even other cousins specifically coming to visit. You are, as I understand it, there to visit you parents. The cousins just happen to be there due to their father's living situation. She therefore sees more of them, and you more of your brother, than than you would otherwise, and that's bound to cause tension.

I think OP you are finding it difficult your brother having more 'ownership' of your parents house then you do, and I can totally understand that. I think I would find it odd. But you have your own house, and he doesn't, so I think it's just the way it is. And his kids deserve to feel at home at their dad's home.

Perhaps vary the routine a bit. Invite your parents to you sometimes, go out somewhere. And be prepared to play with your dad when the cousins aren't ( or your parents as presumably you go there for them to spend time with her anyway?)

And try to stop thinking of that room as 'yours'. If you haven't lived there for long enough to have a husband and 3 year old, you don't have a claim over it (unless like your brother you actually made it your home again).

My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

This is in the OP.

What right has he got to stop her from going upstairs?

Perhaps if he is so worried about them having their own space, he should look in to providing them with a place of their own.

Does that work in real life too? Like only bill payers can have an opinion about anything? What about voting?

You are still wrong. It's the parents business. They can do what they like in their own home. They might decide to redo OP's room if they get a whiff of all this drama. It's unnecessary and a little unkind. The kids and the brother are actually being respectful.

Dont talk shite. He is obviously a decent person, retains a good relationship with his ex, does what he can for his kids during the week and has them every other weekend which is pretty standard. If he wasnt a decent person and 'loser' material do you think his step daughter want want to go there with him? Would his ex allow the step daughter to go there with him? Would his parents even allow him to stay?

@Acornsoup and the parents say she can go upstairs whenever they do hear him tell her he can't, so obviously they don't feel like he has a right to tell her otherwise either.

I can imagine the scenario now, op sitting wide eyed looking at mummy to 'intervene'.

Of course the older kids should be allowed up to their rooms without the toddler following them.

This is in the OP.

What right has he got to stop her from going upstairs?

Perhaps if he is so worried about them having their own space, he should look in to providing them with a place of their own.

If his kids are trying to have some space then it's fairly obvious why: because either the 3 year old will be upstairs unsupervised, or if they are supervised as soon as the 3 year old is upstairs, they'll be trying to get in the bedrooms, and bugging the older children (probably facilitated by her mother who has a giant chip on her shoulder).

Upstairs has everyone's bedrooms. Why does a visiting 3 year old need to be up there?

A 3 year old doesn't need to be following their older cousins around and a grown adult doesn't need to be whining about her old bedroom and how unfair it is that a 3 year old might need to remain downstairs with her mother and the other adults.

The housing arrangements are working at the moment. He doesn't have to change his housing arrangements because on the days his sister arrives she has an attitude problem and thinks her 3 year old should go everywhere.