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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

323 replies

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 13:42

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 17/04/2023 15:23

Makewayforsummer · 17/04/2023 14:17

Under 6 year olds shouldn’t be on a trampoline. I can’t imagine a train set is going to hold the attention of a 9 and 13 year old for long.

Show quote history

Really? My teenagers are more than happy to play with DS cars and building blocks often for a couple of hours with him.
It's not as if your brother's children see your daughter every day. It's once a week.
Maybe you should ask the older kids, away from everyone else, if they want to play with your daughter. If they do then tell your brother you've spoken to the kids and they all want to play so yes she can go upstairs.
The toys is difficult as you can't force them to share. All you could do is say you've been playing with DDs toys for a, while, I think you should get some of your toys out to share too.
When my niece and nephew are round the kids all play together, they can go in any room except my bedroom and the same when we're at their house.

KillerSandy · 17/04/2023 15:24

You lost me at "I still have my room at my parents' House".

Serena73 · 17/04/2023 15:24

I think it should be up to your brother's children whether or not they want your daughter in their bedroom, given the age gap. If they are happy with it and are willing to supervise her then it seems very weird of your brother to stop her. If they don't want to look after her then that's a different matter but it doesn't seem the case here?

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 15:26

ReUseRepeat · 17/04/2023 15:16

YANBU.

Your brother lives at your parents house but it's still their house, not his, even though it's his home for now. He's making out as if his kids live there too and you and your DD just have visiting rights. He doesn't have the authority to stop your DD going anywhere in her grandparents house - that's up to them if they want to do that. He sounds awful and I'd be tackling it head on.

He lives there, he has done for years. So it is his home and it's his kids other home too. They are not visitors in the way OP's kid is. They have their own bedrooms and they don't have to let visitors into them.

I think OP likes to relax at her parents house while her neice and nephew watch her toddler for a while, and is annoyed when they don't want to....

SummerWinterSummerWinter · 17/04/2023 15:26

It's not appropriate for a 3 year to be using/helping herself to a 9 year old or 13 year old's toys/items, totally fair enough they don't want a toddler in their room. It's not totally even because the age gap is not even.

Sorry I think this problem is with you and your feelings around your parents' house and feeling left out.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2023 15:28

Your brother lives at your parents house but it's still their house, not his, even though it's his home for now. He's making out as if his kids live there too and you and your DD just have visiting rights. He doesn't have the authority to stop your DD going anywhere in her grandparents house - that's up to them if they want to do that. He sounds awful and I'd be tackling it head on
So children shouldn't have any space to themselves in their home just in case their aunt has a strop that aunt's 3 year old can't have freedom to go anywhere in the house?

The children are there in their father's home, which is their grandparents' house at the moment. When their father moves out then the grandparents' house will no longer be their home because their home will be their father's house.

The OP's DD does have visiting rights. It is not her home.

TearsforBeers · 17/04/2023 15:31

My guess is that he and his children have an arrangement that when they get tired of the 3 yr old they go upstairs and he prevents her from following.

This was my thought too.

badger2005 · 17/04/2023 15:32

Nimrode · 17/04/2023 14:54

Why do posters keep banging on about the 9 & 13 yrs old getting bored and not wanting to play or having anything in common with 3yrs olds when OP has said repeatedly that the children are NOT the problem! it is @OP's brother that continues to separate them! the brother doesn not want OP's DD following her cousins to play inside when from what OP has said, the cousins clearly adore her and would love her company.

Some posters also keep referring to the cousins as teenagers - Only 1 of them is and a very young teenager at that. They 13 and 9yrs old.! Stop twisting everything OP has said.
It's as if some posters are determined to ignore everything OP has said and hell-bent on creating their own story to create drama and shout OP down. Very mumsnet!

I think we are guessing that the cousins could have reached an agreement with the dad where they don't have to say to the toddler 'leave us alone', and he manages that for them with this inoffensive little lie about messiness. Sounds like a sensible arrangement to me - and in an ideal world the OP would be in on it and understand and reinforce it ('yes dd, we can't go into their room - but let's go into the garden together instead') etc.
In my experience, people see and hear what they are primed to see and hear, and the OP finds her dd adorable (as I have no doubt she is!) and when the cousins enjoy playing with her dd, that of course is only natural. The idea that the cousins might enjoy it for a bit and then quite soon need a break is less pleasant to think about - but really quite likely and really should not at all be taken as a slight on your dd!! (Our visiting toddler is ridiculously adorable - funny, sweet, imaginative, entertaining... and my dc still need a break after a bit).
The thing is, if the older cousins really did want to carry on playing with your dd, then they would not go to their 'messy' rooms if she wasn't allowed in them. Or, I guess, they could tidy them up.

cruisebaba1 · 17/04/2023 15:35

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:17

I know…. Not all, but I would expect a teen / pre teen to move on in a less abrupt way then vanishing. DD is not an app they can disregard when they are done.

in any case, they are mostly keen to continue to have her hang around but it is my brother who is the issue …. Unless I am being deluded and bias - which is possible

Show quote history

You are spot on your brother is the issue here- a grown man stopping a 3 year old going to another room in a house that’s not his??? As previously mentioned explain to your parents that this attitude from your brother is making you extremely uncomfortable when you visit. And then scale the visits down . Grandma and Grandad will soon sort it then. X

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/04/2023 15:35

Sorry, but YABU.

Your brothers' children are much older and don't want a toddler in their space - that's totally understandable and should be respected.

It's not their job to entertain your DD or share their toys and room with her.

CantGetDecentNickname · 17/04/2023 15:35

Dutch1e · 17/04/2023 15:19

Would your parents come to visit you on the odd Sunday? There are so many moving parts to the current family dynamic it might be a good idea to leave DB and his kids alone in their own home occasionally.

This is a good idea to diffuse things a bit.

I would still ask DB why he thinks your DD has to be treated differently, why he keeps intervening and why he thinks he has some right to stop her going upstairs in her GPs house! Surely her going upstairs is up to GPs, but I can see that going into her cousins' room would be up to the cousins and their Dad. I can understand the older kids may not always want her to join them and may need a break in a place where she can't follow, but they shouldn't then get to be in her space or playing with her toys (or going upstairs in your house!). Maybe you could lock your DDs toys away when she is not there so they are no longer shared. I'd keep a close eye on her so you can step in the moment her cousins decide to go off somewhere else when playing with her so she doesn't try to follow them and they can have a break from her and she from them.

badger2005 · 17/04/2023 15:37

Rosebel · 17/04/2023 15:23

Really? My teenagers are more than happy to play with DS cars and building blocks often for a couple of hours with him.
It's not as if your brother's children see your daughter every day. It's once a week.
Maybe you should ask the older kids, away from everyone else, if they want to play with your daughter. If they do then tell your brother you've spoken to the kids and they all want to play so yes she can go upstairs.
The toys is difficult as you can't force them to share. All you could do is say you've been playing with DDs toys for a, while, I think you should get some of your toys out to share too.
When my niece and nephew are round the kids all play together, they can go in any room except my bedroom and the same when we're at their house.

Show quote history

Oh please don't do this! Don't get the older kids away by themselves and ask them if they actually want your dd to go upstairs with them! They might well feel obliged to say 'yes we do want that' even when they don't. Even children feel the pressure to be polite and please people! What exactly would you have them do if they want a break from your dd? Just turn around and say so to you/her? We've seen on mumsnet that lots of people can't/won't be so confrontational.

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 15:39

Could it be that they don't want you in their space (you said you are hands on) so when DC wanders do you go too?

They may just want some down time and privacy? My DC like younger kids for about an hour and then they get bored and tired of the responsibility of entertaining them/looking out for them. 9 and 13 is a bit young for that kind of responsibility for an extended time.

Sharing toys is also important because the majority of older kids toys are not suitable for 3YO. Best to have a bunch of safe toys in your car or f you are camping out for the day.

Regularcoke · 17/04/2023 15:41

I don't think a 9 and a 13 year old should be forced to play with a 3 year old all day every Sunday. They should be allowed their own space in their own home

ichundich · 17/04/2023 15:43

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:17

I know…. Not all, but I would expect a teen / pre teen to move on in a less abrupt way then vanishing. DD is not an app they can disregard when they are done.

in any case, they are mostly keen to continue to have her hang around but it is my brother who is the issue …. Unless I am being deluded and bias - which is possible

Show quote history

Teens are some of the most selfish human beings, and you will learn that the world doesn't actually revolve around you PFB.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 15:51

Maybe you could lock your DDs toys away when she is not there so they are no longer shared

Great idea! Because 9 and 13 year olds just love toys for 3 year olds!

What are people on?

ittakes2 · 17/04/2023 15:54

Your dd is 3 years old I am guessing mess is not the reason likely the 13 and 9 year old need a break from playing with a toddler.

Twike · 17/04/2023 15:55

I think it's possible that the cousins have asked the dad not to allow the 3 year old to follow them. It's ok for them to wander off to their bedrooms to be alone. They don't have to offer an explanation and it's their home. Honestly OP if they wanted to carry on playing with her they would. I think you just haven't had older kids yet and these two seem very tolerant. I'd leave this one alone or you'll look back when yours are 9+ and think you were batshit!

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/04/2023 15:57

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:03

Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity.

I would understand if she was aggressive or unpleasant. It is weird to share DD toys but not share back.

They don't actually live there, DD is there every sunday ( 4 days a month) DBro kids are there 2 weekends a month (4 - 6 days a month)

Show quote history

With respect, what toys does a 3 yo have that a 9 and 13 yo would want to play with?

I do think that your DB shouldn't let them into her room, though - and for things like watching a cartoon, there is no way she should be excluded.

Conkersinautumn · 17/04/2023 15:59

I'd be very wary of a 3 year old in my child's room and would need to supervise. My 7 year old has a lot of toys that are fiddly/ fragile and I'd forsee trouble. As I'd be reluctant to supervise a three year old, except where I'd agreed to do childcare (!) NOR would I impose that on my teens nor impose myself into my teens space either.

badger2005 · 17/04/2023 16:06

Also I wouldn't stop the older children playing with your dd's toys (while she is around) - because presumably your dd would rather play with her toys with her cousins than play with her toys by herself? I don't really think this is a 'you play with mine, so I get to play with yours' kind of fairness situation, and making it into one will just lead to your dd missing out.

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2023 16:06

I would be modelling that if they want to use her toys they have to also share theirs. But I think it's fine for them to go off and do their own thing.

Lillith111 · 17/04/2023 16:09

"Do you not find it rude? When my daughter has friends or cousins over she does not get to just 'drop them' for another activity."

Having friends over that you've invited over is very different to having a young child foisted on you. I'm guessing its not the thirteen year old who invites you round so she's not obliged to play with your daughter and have her own time in her own room

OakElmAsh · 17/04/2023 16:13

Energydrink · 17/04/2023 14:17

I know…. Not all, but I would expect a teen / pre teen to move on in a less abrupt way then vanishing. DD is not an app they can disregard when they are done.

in any case, they are mostly keen to continue to have her hang around but it is my brother who is the issue …. Unless I am being deluded and bias - which is possible

Show quote history

or unless they don't feel comfortable saying they don't want DD with them, and your brother is carrying out their wishes ? I 100% do this for my 10 yr old DD when she's spent time with her 3 yr old niece and wants to go do her own thing, but feels bad saying it

Curseofthenation · 17/04/2023 16:15

I wouldn't have liked spending half of every single weekend with a 3 year old at 13. I imagine that they do enjoy playing with your DD but also need respite. Leave them be.