Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

[Energydrink]

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

It's your nephews home for the time he's there. He's allowed to go off and do his own thing.

You seem upset that they're using 'your' room but realistically that's the guest room now.

YABU. Why should they be forced to play with a toddler? Older kids' toys are also much more breakable than a toddler's toys. They'd probably be happy not playing with her toys at all

So your brother says your child can’t go on the trampoline in your parents garden? In that case I would just put her on it and if he tried to make her get off I would tell him she’s staying on it and I’ve said it’s fine for her to play on. Disappearing to bedroom I would take her up myself and say it’s fine for her to play in a messy room/watch a film with them etc and I would go and supervise.
I wouldn’t allow him to dictate what my child can and cannot do in a house which isn’t his. If he stopped my kid from playing with a toy I would tell him toys are for sharing and let her carry on unless she was in danger of breaking it. Don’t let him dictate to you and your child. Put him in his place

Have you not had any playdates with other Children OP? The kids get distracted, run off, change games etc every 5 seconds. Your DD would do exactly the same and I am now getting the impression you think these older kids should be entertaining your DD for your visits. So yes probably best to limit the visits to when your brothers kids are not there.

So you think he might be worried about supervision? If his kid's room is a mess he might be worried that your younger DD might hurt herself or damage some of the older ones toys. Don't know why else he would be so weird about it!

Coming at it from a different angle- could it be that your dB wants his children to feel like it's their actual home (as it is currently his) and it's not your dd's home in his mind, so she shouldn't get the same privilege's. If it was their home they would have a safe private space that was their own that they could go to if they didnt want to play with a toddler. Perhaps his children have mentioned that everytime they visit their dad they feel obliged to spend all the time with your dd, and your dB has spoken to them and the compromise is that they can take themselves off to the room for space wothout the 3 year old and he is upholding this for them so they don't seem rude/like the bad guy. Just some thoughts I had but I may be off base.

It's nice of them to play with her a bit.
But she's 3. A cute but quickly tedious age, especially to a 9 year old.

Is it not that they are playing with her toys with her as those toys are age appropriate? Their toys would not be age appropriate for your DD. I would think they are playing with them/her until they are played out and want to do something a bit more age appropriate (plus escape what has now become an annoying 3yo). It’s not about discarding her, but 3yo’s are really full on, not to you as it’s your ‘normal’ atm and you are her mum but to everyone else there is a limit. I would think there is ‘agreement’ when they have reached their limit of playing with her with her age appropriate toys they head upstairs to escape. It’s understandable.

Well, I think the bedroom issue is different - Cousins have their own bedroom in their Dad's home that they stay in - it's legitimately their room. Your DD doesn't have a bedroom there - you and your DD stay occasionally in your parent's spare room. Your parent's house is the cousins other home. It's not "home" for your DD, it's Grandma & Grandad's house.

Whilst it's nice that all the cousins like to play together sometimes, it's unreasonable to expect them to always play with a 3 year old all the time. There probably really is lots of stuff in their (messy) rooms which means it's not appropriate for a 3 year old to have free reign in there, with only other children supervising. Enjoy the fact that they do play together sometimes, but of course they can have their space whenever they want. They don't exist to entertain your DD.

Regarding toys, if they are actually your DDs (so either stuff you've bought or birthday/Christmas presents), then ask the boys not to play with them if you feel that strongly about it. But I would imagine, given the ages, that they only play with those items when they're entertaining her, as they probably have much more age appropriate stuff they'd rather play with.

I think cutting down the visits seems sensible. Really brother needs to sort out his own place. You can't compare his kids not wanting to play with your child all day to your child not wanting to play with someone who you explicitly invited round and who just comes occasionally. Your brother and his children did not invite you round, your parents did and if your brother had his own place he wouldn't invite you round every single Sunday that he has his kids. I'd give your brother some space when he has his children and do other stuff on those Sundays

This. I think you need to take a step back and let them do their own activities upstairs. If they want to play with their cousin then they'll stay with her.

But he is in his place, it's his home. I think that is what bothers the OP. She resents that her parents' house is her brothers home, and by extension, that of his children.

My guess is that he and his children have an arrangement that when they get tired of the 3 yr old they go upstairs and he prevents her from following.

This. To be honest if you’re there for more an an hour or so, most older kids would want a break. It’s not nasty or personal.

Yes - what toys that a 3 year old has would a 9 and 13 year old be interested in playing with? Maybe they are just being kind and playing with her toys with her and then they are entitled to go and chill out and not have a 3 year old with them.

No-one's calling you deluded OP, I am sure they do enjoy each other's company and like to play together on some things, but even adults/parents get bored playing with a toddler after a while, I know even with my own toddlers who I loved and adored a couple of hours' pure 'playing' was all I could put up with in one go before being desperate for a break. Surely it's universally acknowledged that toddlers, while cute and funny are also really quite annoying and hard work at times too. I'd expect any 9yo to either lose patience or get bored and frustrated after a while playing with 'baby' things and want to go off and do something like watch a film or play with a more grown up/fragile toy like Lego without a toddler shouting through it or trying to grab the pieces - hence I expect why they're hiding upstairs and why your DD isn't "allowed" up there, I doubt it's about messyness per se - although if there's things like plates or drinks glasses on the floor up there or piles of heavy stuff lying around that she could knock over onto herself the toddler would presumably need to be supervised, and although the 13yo could supervise I wouldn't have said they should (all the time anyway). So I am guessing the grandparents and Dad have come to an easy-ish compromise that toddler stays downstairs, plays with older kids some of the time but when they've had enough they can go upstairs. I bet if they allowed toddler DD upstairs there would be shouting and arguments and tears. Maybe it would be nicer if her dad did more with her or if it was a bit more structured e.g. play with older kids for an hour then out to the park with granny for an hour while older kids play lego, then back for lunch, then all play together in the garden for an hour, then Dad does messy play with toddler while older kids watch film or something. But no-one has the energy to plan days like that every day and sometimes you just have to let the kids sort themselves out a bit? I very much doubt it will do them any harm in the long run?

I do think though that the older kids shouldn't be allowed to play with her toys if they're likely to break them or mess them up - maybe a compromise suggestion could be to keep her toys downstairs in the daytime a couple of large storage boxes that can be carried back upstairs and put away overnight?

Is it the brothers home?

Is he not a guest in his parents home?

I feel bad for the parents in this, I'm sure they feel quite awkward about their grandchild being told where they can and can't go in their home.

Of course it's his home if he's living there

I sort of feel like you're annoyed that they're not babysitting your dd when you visit. God, when I was 13 and I had to entertain my younger siblings, I hated it.

You also seem a bit pissed off that "your" room isn't being kept of some sort of shrine to you.

It's all a bit weird, sorry.

Sorry, I don't know why I put Dad in there, I guess I meant Dad to the older kids not your DDs Dad!

If they really wanted to play together then the older two would stay downstairs. It sounds much more likely that they want an escape from the 3 year old.
It’s one thing them playing with the 3 year old for 20/30 mins, very different expecting them to entertain them the whole time.

That was my thought too, the poster has obviously never seen a group of 70+ years old grandfathers hogging a train set, especially if it's a 'proper' one, like they had as boys!

If your daughter only stays once a year, why the need to keep toys there? We never needed toys to play with when we visited our grandparents. We took a favourite toy with us, or a board game. How can you claim to a room that you stay in once or twice a year?

They go to visit every week.

Much easier to have toys their than have to take them with you each time you go.

Of course 3 year olds can’t have free access to “toys” belonging to teenagers.

Taking a guess here, but is the issue actually between you and your brother? Your brother is spending more time with your parents than you. Your brother is living in the house that you are still attached to as you still have your own room? Your brother didn't share his toys with you when you were kids? Your brother was/is your parents' favourite?

9 and 13 year olds don't want to play with 3 year old's toys no matter what you say. They are probably enjoying entertaining her and enjoy spending time with their young cousin, but I guarantee they are not interested in playing with her toys! Nor will or should your 3 year old want to play with their toys, which will be age inappropriate. They are spending time together then the older ones are going off to do their own thing in their dad's home, naturally he will discourage the 3 year old from chasing after them.