Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

[Energydrink]

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

Not that this is your intent but I wonder if the older kids feel like you are pushing the three old on them because they are older and can act as a child minder instead of a playmate?

I think it’s fair enough that your niece and nephew go to their own room and your DD isn’t allowed to. It’s their room and their space in their own home. They play with your DD and then they want some space. That’s fine.

How about inviting them to yrs rather than forcing them to have yr child in their room?

there is no equivalency. your daughter is invading their home.. and she is only 3, and should not be going into any room unsupervised. they are only going into a guest room, and are old enough to do it

I think it’s fine for them to go off and play-they’re of an age where they really dont want to be with a toddler all afternoon and it’s not fair on them when they want to go off and do things more in line with their ages. I think you are BU to expect them to entertain their much smaller cousin all afternoon.

This has got to be a joke as you sound that Ridiculous not to mention soo nasty in your references of the step daughter you are disgusting grow up! It’s not your room your house your anything anymore!

Those kids see that house as there second home! No way do 9yo and 13yo kids want to play with a 3yo and share toys lol this must be a troll post!

Not read the whole thread but what cries out to me is the age difference- is he maybe worried about his children being responsible for a much younger one ? I have young teens and I'm
not sure I would leave them in charge of a 3 year old. I did leave my eldest in the care of his older half sister to kick a ball about .. she was older than 13 - he ended up with a bloodied nose and she just carried on checking her phone

The age gap is too big and your daughter too young to expect your brother's children to play with her for long. Of course your brother's children escqpe to their bedrooms to get some peace (and your brother protecting that peace has probably been agreed between them).

I can see a case for them letting you know they are disappearing upstairs rather than just going but not the rest. Toy swap is not equivalent.

Why do posters keep banging on about the 9 & 13 yrs old getting bored and not wanting to play or having anything in common with 3yrs olds when OP has said repeatedly that the children are NOT the problem! it is @OP's brother that continues to separate them! the brother doesn not want OP's DD following her cousins to play inside when from what OP has said, the cousins clearly adore her and would love her company.

Some posters also keep referring to the cousins as teenagers - Only 1 of them is and a very young teenager at that. They 13 and 9yrs old.! Stop twisting everything OP has said.
It's as if some posters are determined to ignore everything OP has said and hell-bent on creating their own story to create drama and shout OP down. Very mumsnet!

I more got the impression that she doesn’t like her brother not letting her child play with the toys and leaving the kid out rather than resents him being in her parents house.
My dd is 9 and my neice 3 and I wouldn’t be happy if my sister forbade my children from playing on her garden equipment or with their toys. Also if my dd goes to her room and my neice wants to go too she needs to suck it up. It’s her cousin and she wants to play she’s not there all the time so she can get a break when she goes home

I thought the OP was being reasonable to be upset until I read the ages of the children - OP your daughter is 3, her cousins are 9 and 13!! Are you mad? Of course they play with her toys (with her) and don't share their own, no way are any of their toys going to be suitable for a 3 year old, they would either hurt her or she would break them. They go to their room for a break when they have had enough of baby play, that's why your daughter can't go with them. They have a deal with their Dad that he will tell your daughter she can't go in their room "because it's messy". That's not the reason at all, he says that to spare her/your feelings, the real reason is because they don't want to spend the entire day playing with a 3 year old, they want to spend some time doing more age appropriate activities. And that should be perfectly ok. 3 year olds are very hard work. I think it's really sweet that the two older children chose to spend any time at all with her, and you should appreciate that, rather than insisting the poor kids spend the entire time they are at their Dad's child minding your daughter. To use an old MN saying, you need to give your head a wobble!

But he is in his place, it's his home. I think that is what bothers the OP. She resents that her parents' house is her brothers home, and by extension, that of his children
This is the issue I think.
The OP views it that she has HER room at her parent's house and seems quite territorial about it (which is a bit unusual for a grown adult with children of her own), but seems to resent the people's whose home it is having space that's their own and not a free for all for a 3 year old.

The age gap is extremely relevant too.

The cousins are not visiting the grandparents. The grandparents house is currently these children's home.

This is even weirder. Why would a 13 year old want or need to share her toys with a 3 year old?!
Toddlers are rough and break things. It’s not remotely reasonable to expect a 9 and 13 year old to have to share their toys with a 3 year old.
I can’t imagine they are playing with her toys either, entertaining her with her own toys maybe but no nearly 10 or 13 year old wants to play with a 3 year olds baby doll or block set.

Yes, I think OP sees it as all kids playing together but entertaining a 3 yr old is quite a chore for most people.

You are visiting your parents not your DB, so cousins don't necessarily have to play together. Also find it odd that you have your own room still at your parents, when you have left and started your own family. Surely, that is just a guest room!

For your parents it must feel like going back in time and having their children living back at home and having sibling arguments.

I am really curious…your bedroom is decorated in the style of your husband and three year old…what does that look like??

I’m pretty much still scarred by this even now I was the oldest cousin and always got lumbered with entertaining the younger ones (and they always broke my toys). I never let on that I resented it. It seems a distinct possibility that the cousins have agreed to entertain your daughter nicely on the grounds that they then get time to themselves later.

I'm
Not sure why op is asking if she is unreasonable when she clearly doesn't want to hear opinions that are different from her own.
Perhaps that is also an attitude that is present when she is at this other house.

a 9 year old is a teen now?

I am also very curious about this!!

OP's DD following her cousins to play inside when from what OP has said, the cousins clearly adore her and would love her company.
😂

I have a nearly 11 year old so in between the ages of your brother’s 2. If we have friends over with younger kids they are not allowed access to his bedroom unless supervised by an adult as we find otherwise his stuff gets broken or is not appropriate for such a young child. We also nearly always let him have his room as a bolt hole as he would find a 3 year old very irritating extremely quickly once the novelty has worn off. I completely get your brother having their room as a space just for them they are just not ages that easily would play together. I am also surprised about a 13 year old wanting to play with a 3 year olds toys? Even by 9 our son didn’t really have many toys it’s all electronics and technics/Lego models etc non of which are suitable for a 3 year old.

YANBU.

Your brother lives at your parents house but it's still their house, not his, even though it's his home for now. He's making out as if his kids live there too and you and your DD just have visiting rights. He doesn't have the authority to stop your DD going anywhere in her grandparents house - that's up to them if they want to do that. He sounds awful and I'd be tackling it head on.

Would your parents come to visit you on the odd Sunday? There are so many moving parts to the current family dynamic it might be a good idea to leave DB and his kids alone in their own home occasionally.

This was totally my thought too.
I reckon that my kids (even a bit older than your db's) would do a nice long play with a 3 year old cousin (we have a regular visiting toddler though not a cousin). My kids might well really enjoy it and love her company and play with the toys etc and all be laughing and having fun. And they would definitely 100% appear to be enjoying themselves and playing enthusiastically, because they have those social skills. But eventually (perhaps after 1 hour or 2) they would definitely like a break. After all, toddlers are exhausting! I think this is easy to miss this when you are the parent of the toddler, and of course you never get to just say 'I'm done - I want a break' - but the cousins do get to say this! I can imagine coming up with a code like this with my kids so that they can get some space and down-time without having to tell your dd to leave them alone. It sounds like the transition is a bit clunky, but otherwise it works okay and I wouldn't try to dig around and find out why your dd isn't allowed upstairs... because then either your db has to say something that you might find hurtful (his dc have said they need breaks from your dd) or you will just end up forcing them to play with your dd the whole day you are there which isn't really fair on them. When the cousins have had enough it is indeed time for you (or your db or your parents) to pick up the slack and play with your dd or at least find something else for her to do.