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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 17/04/2023 12:08

You don't have to say yes to them visitng.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/04/2023 12:09

You're allowing this. Either suck it up or say no to visitors.

Whatevs99 · 17/04/2023 12:11

Why can’t you just say no?

Or as a minimum decide you’ll facilitate 2 weeks during the year and whoever is first up wins, but not every single holiday.

No one to blame here except yourself, so you’re a bit U when you can solve this yourself.

Lennybenny · 17/04/2023 12:11

Why are you letting them stay/invite themselves?

PollyAmour · 17/04/2023 12:12

Bloody hell, just say no. Or let them stay but self cater. Don't be a doormat.

Stratocumulus · 17/04/2023 12:15

If you can’t say no, why not, in your mind have a “season” when you will accept guests. Say for example off peak but when it’s nice in May? First come first served!

Get the word around the family that breaks at yours out of season are no longer welcome or that you're both simply not available. Try using the phrase “Sorry those dates don’t work for us this year.” Rinse & repeat as often as necessary,

autienotnaughti · 17/04/2023 12:16

I would do a group WhatsApp and say we calculated how much it's costing us per visit and it's xxx per year. We can't afford to subsidise any longer. We love you coming but will need to ask for xxx to cover food/petrol for future visits. Or say no we are busy not in place for visitors right now

LadyWiddiothethird · 17/04/2023 12:19

I voted YABU,just say no.

Heronwatcher · 17/04/2023 12:20

Erm, just use your words (as I would say to my 4yr old). Either say something like “we’d love to meet up but we’re not having house guests at the moment, you could stay close by or we would love to come to you for a few days if that suits you, or if not let’s meet at X for a meal/ walk” or plan to be away yourselves?

But if you do this don’t expect them to come again until you directly ask them. If you’re so far away that you can’t meet for a day this may mean that you don’t see much of family and friends which to me would be miserable. If what you’re hoping for is people coming to stay but then giving enough money to compensate you in full then that’s just not going to happen.

As others say though, the middle ground might be a shorter stay, no airport collections and cheaper food/ take aways paid for equally.

GoodVibesHere · 17/04/2023 12:21

Well why are you being a wet flannel moaning about it on here but still putting up with it? I couldn't live like that just speak up!

BeetleBailey · 17/04/2023 12:22

Erm, maybe try saying no

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/04/2023 12:24

I have no idea why you are allowing this. If you don't like the terms - change the terms. Use your words.

Whatifitallgoesright · 17/04/2023 12:25

Wow, it's like your family are your bosses yet bizarrely you pay them!

Hbh17 · 17/04/2023 12:30

Just. Say. No.

Showerpowerer · 17/04/2023 12:32

Why don’t you suggest you visit them next time someone asks. And keep repeating that until they get bored

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/04/2023 12:37

Time to put boundaries in place. As pp you need to start saying no.
People are only taking advantage because you're letting them.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2023 12:59

I've a few questions in relation to this.

  1. Which side of the family is visiting more frequently (yours or your DH's) or is it actually equal?
  2. Have you tried saying that you're not available this particular holiday (whatever that might have been) and if so, how did it go? If not, why not?
  3. Have you tried saying that you're unable to collect from the airport before and if so, how did that go? Did the guests still show up? If they didn't show, then you know that your family just want to be waited on hand and foot, especially if there are taxis or transfer options available to them.
  4. Have you tried saying that you've already made plans and it's not possible for them to visit due to lack of space (e.g. you have different friends coming as guests at the same time)? How did that go? If you haven't, would you think to give that a shot?
  5. Have you tried simply saying that you don't want visitors at any given time? If you have, how was that received? If you haven't, why haven't you?

Just a few thoughts rolling around my head after reading your post.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2023 13:03

I thought of a 6th and 7th question!
Six - If you don't mind them staying (so the prep work and getting the room ready isn't too much of an issue) have you tried saying that they have to pay for all of the food while they are staying with you (e.g. you're turning it into a self catering location that you don't charge them actual rates for using the room but you will not be forking out for extra food). They get to use your home as their base for whatever location you're in but they do not get to use your car or your food.

Seven - have you tried suggesting to them that they hire a car to do the transfer to/from the airport which then gives them the option to go places without you? If not, why not? If you have, how was it received?

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2023 13:14

How rude offering you £30! That just adds insult to injury

but mores to the point why not say no?

GCWorkNightmare · 17/04/2023 13:17

DH doesn't help much.

why not?

momager1 · 17/04/2023 13:19

JUST SAY NO. we have seriously just retired and have been living on a carribean island in a condo we bought last november for ONE week today. We have already had 6 requests to come down to see us. only one is being accepted the rest have been told that there are many AI's close by..would they like recommendations? Unless you are our children, or close friends that see us regularly when we lived in canada. NOPE.

Greenfairydust · 17/04/2023 13:23

All you need to do is say no...

It really is that simple.

It is your home not a free hotel.

theGooHasGone · 17/04/2023 13:30

I voted unreasonable because it's your house and you get to say whether people visit or not. Stop putting up with things you don't want to happen. If you don't want someone to visit, tell them they can't come.

Murdoch1949 · 17/04/2023 13:47

Send a round robin type email telling that for the next two years you will not be entertaining family & friends except grandparents, to recharge your batteries. After that be more choosy in who you let stay, and spread the visits out. You're under no compulsion, your generosity has been taken advantage of and not reciprocated.

Peachy2005 · 17/04/2023 14:00

Just say “no, it doesn’t suit, we’re worn out from all the visitors”. Forewarn your DH to say the same.

Is there someone on each side you feel comfortable asking to spread the word around?