Relatives Overload

[Autumnequinox]

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

Wow @Prettybutdumb your BIL sounds like quite the charmer. I'm not surprised you stopped having guests after that.

1. Your DH should do more.
2. As others have said, use your words.

Based on your op, I suspect it's not the same people every time. So everyone just thinks it's them and it's one week a year and no big deal.

You need to say something. Doesn't have to be a big deal - "right, if you want to come down next month, we'd love to see you. With so many visitors all the time I can't really take more time off work etc etc, so I suggest you hire a car when you get here and let's agree a rota for meal prep? I am usually done at work early on a Tuesday and Thursday so I'll make sure to shop/cook those days. Are you okay with Wednesday and Friday or do you want to go out those days?"

I do get it's hard. I nearly went into orbit when I discovered my relative, to save a bit of cash had taken public transport and therefore didn't have a car seat soo we HAD to take them to the airport at 6:30 on a school day. I was livid at the sense of entitlement. But I can assure you, it won't be happening again as I was polite but firm that next time, they need their own car seat so they can take a cab.

Cripes, now that is really tacky behaviour.

I hope you repeated what was said.

My friend was too soft with her holiday home to family and in laws.

Several times her PITA bit of a bully BIL and his wife had left a mess.

She told her husband NEVER again and she would insist they sell it rather than have them use it again.

They took it badly and they were off with her for years, which she took as a huge win.

They dramatically reduced the loaning of it by renting it out, which was a nice little earner for them.

We lived abroad and had quite a lot of visitors. It is difficult because you are the ones who have moved away so feel an obligation to maintain the relationship.

Some people are good at being houseguests and some just aren't. DPIL were good at it. They would make a good contribution to the housekeeping. They would do some babysitting gladly and were just happy to come along for the ride.

DM was not a good houseguest. Her contribution to a week's housekeeping was to pay for a takeaway which we wouldn't have had if she wasn't there. She didn't want to babysit and would make quite a lot of fuss if asked to do it.

She always complained that coming to stay with us was expensive. Not sure how, the only outlay was the train ticket from the airport to our town. We paid for flights and DFIL drove her to/from the airport!

Also, thinking about though, in your defence, you clearly also have CF family members. We've all got the friends/ family who turn up, eat our food, sleep in our beds but can't even be bothered to unload the dishwasher. While other friends/family get stuck in and are a pleasure to have around.

We had friends visiting from another country once in the middle of a heatwave. I came home from work one day to find they'd mowed the lawn, bought and prepared dinner and had a glass of ice cold glass of wine waiting for me. That felt above and beyond requirements but I was super grateful!

Bad morning!! Perhaps a little harsh, do wonder how these visits come about though, do the relatives simply tell you when they are coming OP and you agree?

YABU for doing something you don't want in the first place.

Say no, or get DH to do the hosting, or drop your standards.

BRAVO 👏👏

We live somewhere similar to you — the kind of place people go on holiday to. For the first few years we had the same situation. My partner would blithely invite anyone who expressed the vaguest interest to come and stay. I'm the better cook and it was always me who was expected to cater and also, because I was working from home, do the lion's share of cleaning and preparation.

We kept it up for about four years and then I decided I'd had enough. We were spending a small fortune driving people around and showing them the sights. I let the food and cleaning standards drop and started saying that I wasn't going to accompany them to various places. But they still kept coming and I felt increasingly stifled. It's no a big house, it was difficult to escape.

So we built a cabin in the garden: quite basic but comfortable, and now they go there and do their own cooking and we meet up a couple of times a day and go out for dinner every two or three evenings, go out together when we all want to. It works. The people who came to be waited on hand and foot don't come any more. The people who do tend to be a bit more generous with us because they see the place as free holiday accommodation, not just staying in our house. It's worked out well and we occasionally let it out commercially to friends of friends, too, which helps keep the running costs low. But I still have to go down to the orchard, sun or rain, and clean the place and make beds...

This is what DH's family does. Caused a lot of tension when we were first living together and then married as his mother's trip to visit - all 6-8 weeks of it - was not only considered a totally normal thing that no one could complain about, no one seemed to think that a discussion with us about when it was convenient was necessary.... even though she expected to stay with us. On one memorable occasion, I wasn't even told she was coming (to be fair, neither was DH) until about 6 weeks before. But that actually worked in our favour as we'd booked a lovely holiday and DH 100% stepped up and told her that it's not our fault we weren't going to be there for half her trip - if she'd bothered to communicate with us, this wouldn't happen.

I know now that this sort of attitude is surprisingly common. Sigh.

OP- you need better guidelines for visitors about what you can and can't do. And, assuming it's DH's family, he needs to step up more.

If only the English language had a word that meant the opposite of Yes, all your problems would be solved.

I think you should carry on the same way you have been. When you and your husband retire in a few years, invite yourselves to stay with all the relatives who have been visiting you. They will be obligated to feed you and show you around.😀You might as well get something out of the situation!!

Not sure what to say to you. I'd tell you to say no but then you say want to see them all.

Why don't you have a policy of only letting people stay if they've reciprocated and had you stay and hosted you well, with lots of good food?

So a stay for every stay approach?

@Prettybutdumb

my sister said to her husband ‘This is such a superb brandy, must cost a fortune!’. He replied, word for word in front of me ‘Fuck ‘em, they can afford it!’. That was the last time we ever had guests over, I think it was 4 years ago.

What a nasty person your BIL is! I'm glad he's shot himself in the foot and brought an end to his freeloading. Sad for the others affected but at least you now have freedom from people taking you and your hosting for granted. 🌹

Was it a glass of Sauvignon Blanc by any chance?

Just start saying no. and if guests do come, then stop running around after them. Don't pick them up from the airport, don't ferry them around to activities.

They keep coming because you are so accommodating.

Also, advise them that they will need to bring their own food with them, or stock up when they get here.

They will stop coming when they can no longer freeload

YABU to agree to host and then simmer in silent resentment. Just say "no" or "one week only" or "£20 per person per night" or address whatever is bothering you.

You just need to be a bit creative and put yourself first. If you don’t want them to come, say you’re away, got a bug, got no hot water as boiler is dodge. If you want them to come but the airport pick up annoys you, say yes to the staying but will need to get here yourself as you need to wait in for Sky man or doctors appointment. Just don’t be as accepting.

@Pluvia

But I still have to go down to the orchard, sun or rain, and clean the place and make beds...

Why can't your partner do that? I get you're WFH but that doesn't mean it's you who has always to do those chores - especially if it's your partner doing the inviting? Or maybe charge the guests for a cleaning/housekeeping fee? 🌹

Don't take AL. Let them come to visit but make it clear you are not around to be a tour guide or their personal chef as you need your AL for YOUR holidays.

Tell them they need to drive to you or hire a car from the airport so they can go out in the daytime and (hopefully) eat out too.

Agree to cook a maximum number of meals to eat together - eg no more than 2 if they're coming for a week.

If they don't like the new rules they don't have to come.

We have family near a popular holiday resort (2 lots of family). We have stayed for up to a week at a time but mostly 2 nights. We always take our hosts out for a meal or cook a meal for them. We go out with them if they want to come but otherwise we make ourselves scarce in the daytime. We always wait to be invited. We always go armed with wine/beer and local goodies.

Your visitors are CFers and will continue to be so whilst you facilitate it.

At that time my sister shrieked almost admiringly to him ‘You’re so baaaad!’

After we cut them off we met again on neutral ground at a wedding. We were seated together and she drunkenly shouted and pointed at my husband ‘He hates guests!! Admit it, you hate having people over.’ Well, we do now.

@Prettybutdumb did these paragons ever invite you to stay? So glad you cut them off!

our in-laws live in a different country, and my sister lives outside of the UK

to make visits work (both ways) we always;

• hire cars or get taxis to pick and drop at airport, or dh will go with fil if he’s here by himslef
• check dates for visits
• we always buy groceries, get takeout and offer to cook when we stay at the IL’s, and usually buy 6 bottles of wine for a thank you / for drinking
• do our own thing when we go there, but invite them along
• offer to take them places here for a day or so, rest of the time, give them a key and any useful info (transport tips, stuff to do etc)

people easily forget that you actually have to work and don’t have limitless holiday just cos they’re there. You need to explain this before they arrive!

No, they live in a flat by the sea and although they had the other sisters over in the summer we were never invited because ‘we are probably used to more space’. It’s fine, I can’t say we are devastated. If we want a break we simply book a holiday somewhere.

Don't book time off work and then tell them a couple of weeks beforehand you haven't got time off and you suggest they hire a car at airport. If it's DH's family/friends coming some of the time, he really needs to help get things ready beforehand and help while they're with you. Keep meals as simple as possible. Don't feel under pressure to put extras on the table, ie if only have cereal for breakfast, don't go doing toast, a fry up or if you don't have puddings, don't offer them. The novelty might wear off with some of them.