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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:
SecondClassmyass · 17/04/2023 14:07

If you are too soft to say hard no to visits, maybe don’t get any groceries or don’t get guests bedrooms prepared and give them number to Dave the village taxi driver who does airport pick ups at such and such rate. Say that you’d love to see them but from now on it’s all self catering as you are flooded with visitors and just can’t keep up with the free bed and breakfast anymore.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/04/2023 15:05

I'd just say that it doesn't work for you due to lifestyle changes( can be whatever you want!)
If you'd like to meet up with anyone in future I'd send a link to local accommodation and airport taxis
You just need to make boundaries clear.
They can't take advantage unless you let him

NeedToChangeName · 17/04/2023 15:10

You need to make it very clear what you are (not) willing to offer

Be firm, kind and friendly, but not a pushover

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 15:15

OP,

This is completely on you I'm afraid for tolerating this.

You are a real mug, and they know it.

It's really not normal to make your home into a holiday home and yourself a skivvy for your family.

Not normal.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/04/2023 15:45

It’s very simple. Give say 4 weeks dates you are prepared to have people to stay, they can hire a car at the weekend, you will provide breakfast, they sort all other meals

GrumpyPanda · 17/04/2023 16:06

Who's visiting mostly? Your family or his?

Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.

That's obviously not acceptable. If it's mostly the in-laws visiting, send around a message that you're redistricting the family workload and DH will be dealing with everything relating to his family's visits, starting from the initial appointment. And then stick with it.

rainydaysandstormynights · 17/04/2023 16:26

Either say no (too busy just now, etc.) or set new ground rules:

  1. Don't worry so much about cleaning, or insist that DH takes some of the load.
  2. Tell visitors ahead of time what they can bring/contribute in the way of money, food, planning.
  3. Tell them you won't be able to take time off, drive them, or whatever else is too much effort or sacrifice.
  4. Stop feeling like you must play all the roles of the host. You're providing a free room for them and can visit with them during the evenings and weekend, but otherwise, you have to carry on with your life. They may be on holiday, but you're not!
QueefQueen80s · 17/04/2023 16:52

Love these threads.. you just say no! You're a sucker for punishment

Wisterical · 17/04/2023 17:01

So what is it exactly that you're resenting - your husband not helping, your guests not contributing financially, or using up your annual leave? If you do really 'love them all and want to see them' then deal with these issues. Divide the labour with your husband, ask the guests to pay towards the cost of you hosting, and tell them you will be (mostly) at work when they visit so they'll have to entertain themselves. Stop being a martyr.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 17:07

FFS, op, YOU are the problem here!

JUST. SAY. NO.

Stop being such a doormat!

Newestname002 · 17/04/2023 18:34

OP, stop stewing and speak up to your relatives - you and your husband, both.

If you aren't firm and clear about protecting your time, energy and funds people will continue to trample all over your life. You and DH get together and put some strong boundaries up and support each other in defending them to repulsing people, however nice, who just want to freeload. If you both do nothing, nothing will change. 🌹

PurplePeach62 · 18/04/2023 09:46

PollyAmour · 17/04/2023 12:12

Bloody hell, just say no. Or let them stay but self cater. Don't be a doormat.

This every time

graysquirrel · 18/04/2023 09:50

I know how hard it can be to just say no.
in this situation, to cut and break the expectation and continuity I'd say that you're planning on doing work on the house/garden for the next year so not commiting to having any guests during that period. You don't have to go through with it, perhaps availability or finances didn't allow in the end.
Then make a plan about how to say no or manage it longer term.

mezlou84 · 18/04/2023 09:52

Tell them you love them dearly and want them to visit but you will be working most of the time and don't want rest of it taken up driving. Yes on your days of you can go off for day on one of them but you need a day off too. They will need to be happy helping clean, cook and even rent a car if they're flying in. Treat it as self catering not a freebie.

pasturesgreen · 18/04/2023 09:56

YABU in that you aren't forced to agree to each and every visit. Lots of excellent suggestions already of what you could say to put a stop to all the visits.

Prettybutdumb · 18/04/2023 09:58

We were in the same situation, huge groups with children coming to visit constantly. Very often they were too many to pick up from the airport in our car and paid for 1-2 large taxis. During one Christmas + New Year break my sister said to her husband ‘This is such a superb brandy, must cost a fortune!’. He replied, word for word in front of me ‘Fuck ‘em, they can afford it!’. That was the last time we ever had guests over, I think it was 4 years ago. We also converted our spare bedrooms into walk-in wardrobes, study and play rooms for the children. We have zero extra beds in the house.

Catspyjamas17 · 18/04/2023 10:16

Definitely ration visits and state requirements about payment/food budgets/cleanliness for longer stays where they are just using you as a base for a holiday. If they don't agree or step up then they ABU and don't get to come (again).

Biilie82 · 18/04/2023 10:18

I suspect you wouldn’t feel as smug about your house and land if you didn’t have people coming to visit, the fact you spend money catering for people just shows you are buying into it and get something out of it.

Runningslow · 18/04/2023 10:29

Are they coming for a free holiday or are they coming to see you?
If they’re coming from so far away to see you, is it likely that their travel costs would be as much as you are spending?
Is it easier for you if they come to you rather than the other way round - ie, not having to put dogs in kennels etc?
Do you enjoy having them?

I live miles away from family and it’s very rare to have guests as they all live closer so I tend to go there to see them all. But I actually really miss doing the hosting.
How about having them but for shorter periods, and getting them to make up their own beds etc

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 18/04/2023 10:31

Tell your friends your house has developed rats/asbestos/subsidence and cannot be lived in at present, so you will be coming to stay with them.

Newmum0322 · 18/04/2023 10:36

Why don’t you visit them instead?

illtakeit · 18/04/2023 10:36

LadyDanburysHat · 17/04/2023 12:08

You don't have to say yes to them visitng.

Exactly. Or if you really want to give them a bill, you'll make some extra income.

BaroldBalonz · 18/04/2023 10:40

Buy a caravan and install a coin electric meter. Tell visitors to bring their own bedding & food, and make their own travel arrangements. Tell them that you've done it to give them a more relaxing self contained space. You can also rent it out for extra income to pay for it if you wanted to.

Bluebells1970 · 18/04/2023 10:41

Your kindess/generosity is just being taken advantage of. And people don't realise that it's not just them you're hosting, it's lots of others. You aren't just hosting, you're financially providing for people who are showing you no respect at all.

Perhaps you need to start booking return visits and treat them the same way?

BaroldBalonz · 18/04/2023 10:41

Biilie82 · 18/04/2023 10:18

I suspect you wouldn’t feel as smug about your house and land if you didn’t have people coming to visit, the fact you spend money catering for people just shows you are buying into it and get something out of it.

Blimey, are you having a bad morning? Or are you a relative that is worried that your free-loading holidays may be coming to an end?