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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 14:33

You can say ‘no’, ask them to contribute financially or ask for housework/cooking help. Stop being such a martyr. You really don’t have to do this.

MeridianB · 18/04/2023 14:36

YADNBU!!!

I would have a complete reset for at least a year - say no to everyone. This will help avoid any issues about favouritism and also get them all thinking about their alternatives.

Then you can start fresh and set firm boundaries - only a certain number of family hols (maybe 2-3 a year), maximum length of stay specified by you, no time off to act as tour guide and they arrange their own transfers to/from the airport. These things are all completely reasonable.

Moorwoodsriver · 18/04/2023 14:37

I’m thinking they are probably thinking the cost of their flights is their contribution towards seeing you and the hosting costs yours maybe ? The key question is whether you want to see them and then whether the hosting versus flight and travel cost is actually a fair division. If you don’t want to see them or the costs are unfair then say something

Hellybelly84 · 18/04/2023 14:45

Just say you have plans or you’re not feeling up to it (say work has been extremely busy and stressful if you want an excuse). I would never expect family to host us all the time, especially if you both work full time.

Best thing is always honesty then you dont have to make up excuses-you need a quiet bank hols, Xmas etc every once in a while (or someone else to host!).

Crazydonkeylady · 18/04/2023 15:16

It’s not healthy for you to be spending all your free time / annual leave and special holidays entertaining others at the expense of your well-being and finances. For a start stop doing the airport pick ups and stop taking leave from work when they visit. Make it clear you will be out at work so they will have to transport themselves around, do their own shopping, entertain themselves and cook and clean. If you feel awkward just say you weren’t able to get annual leave at that time. I think this will cut down your number of visits dramatically and hopefully you will enjoy the fewer visits or the weekend days they are around when you are off and probably feel more like catching up and going out with them.

Goodenoughisgoodenough · 18/04/2023 15:20

So, I have a similar issue, in that my family are 300 miles away. Usually I go and stay with them. They can say no though! And we have long negotiations about dates!
You also need to think - if they didn't come to visit you, would you go there? It costs me £300 in train fare every time I take my kids to go to visit our far away family. So I'm grateful when they do come to me, and happy to see them. And I look on some of the extra catering costs as worth it because it saves me the time, hassle and expense of travelling to see them! I tend to suck up the extra expense of food - they buy treats, meals out, bottles of wine. And vice versa when I go to them.
This sounds like something you just need to have an honest conversation about! You can say no, if the dates aren't convenient. Discuss food cost - perhaps do an online grocery shop together? Tell them that you want to get in things they like/treats, and then split the bill?

Goodenoughisgoodenough · 18/04/2023 15:21

Oh, and suggest they hire a car!

CherryCokeFanatic · 18/04/2023 15:28

YABU for having the word mug stamped on your head.

If it’s DHs family, tell him to help prepare for their arrival and entertain them and cook for them

If you want a contribution to the costs, ask for it

If you don’t want them coming, say no

Skybluepinky · 18/04/2023 15:52

Just say no.@

Wnikat · 18/04/2023 15:54

If they invite themselves they can hire a car, buy their own food and make their own beds surely.

Saz12 · 18/04/2023 16:01

Some of what youre doing is easy to change, though, without the nuclear option of refusing to allow any visitors, particularly if each group is visiting once a year.

Leave bedding etc out for them to make their own rooms up. If they ask you to do it, smile and say "I know, ive been just so busy the last week ir two, Im looking forward to havibg an excuse to relax! Im so glad you came when we had more time, but I reckon we're more 2-star self catering this week than 5 -star Ritz hahahaa - so nuce not to have to be ceremonial with family!"

Dont collect or drop off at airport - tell them theyll need to hire a car (or public transport).
Dont take time off work to be tour guide, but tell them in advance ... explain that you cant keep using up your leave because you want to go away on holiday, but that you love seeing them.
Dont plan activities for them.
Tell them theyll need to sort their own breakfast, lunch, snacks this time as youve a real push on at work - the best supermarket to use is xyz.
Ask them to cook a couple of evenings.
If they dont tidy up after themselves, leave their mess out.

Josephinehetty · 18/04/2023 16:03

LookItsMeAgain · 17/04/2023 13:03

I thought of a 6th and 7th question!
Six - If you don't mind them staying (so the prep work and getting the room ready isn't too much of an issue) have you tried saying that they have to pay for all of the food while they are staying with you (e.g. you're turning it into a self catering location that you don't charge them actual rates for using the room but you will not be forking out for extra food). They get to use your home as their base for whatever location you're in but they do not get to use your car or your food.

Seven - have you tried suggesting to them that they hire a car to do the transfer to/from the airport which then gives them the option to go places without you? If not, why not? If you have, how was it received?

Yes - this exactly. That way you don't alienate yourselves, but its not a full time job.

saraclara · 18/04/2023 16:08

I absolutely wouldn't expect any family member to take time off for my visit. Our family members always go to work as normal and we entertain ourselves. On occasion some of the Australian family have booked time off to have a little joint trip to show us a different area for a few days, but that's always been at their suggesting and not ours.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2023 16:11

Tell the relatives that sorry, you regret to say you are going away on holiday yourselves during this time (Easter, summer holidays, Christmas etc). And no one will be able to visit.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/04/2023 16:15

@Autumnequinox - are you going to come back to your thread?

AutumnCrow · 18/04/2023 16:20

Do a first Mrs Rochester and burn it all down.

iaapap · 18/04/2023 16:24

Just say no

Pollydolly13 · 18/04/2023 16:27

You need to say no or start asking for money towards food etc. Use cost of living as your reason. I think you will learn who care to visit you and not the freebie holiday.

Isthisreasonable · 18/04/2023 16:31

It's very difficult. I have family abroad who were inundated with visitors who didn't appreciate that their hosts weren't on permanent holiday. It all got too much and they very much restrict the numbers of visitors and those that do go have to fit in around them.

The other side is that you don't get to spend much time with them and they don't ever come to stay here so you spend a great deal on flights, kennels, food/treats for them. You tend to spend time over there helping out with housework, garden, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc, so it's not much of a break. It does mean that we will probably spend less and less time with them as finances get tight and we can't afford a holiday and a visit to them.

nomoredriving · 18/04/2023 17:06

Sorry that's not convenient for us.

Sorted!

Thesharkradar · 18/04/2023 17:18

do you not have a tongue in your head OP?

Nowvoyager99 · 18/04/2023 17:26

Well in a way YABU as all you have to do is say no.

ClaraBourne · 18/04/2023 17:42

I voted YABU to be such a walkover. Just say No.

Echobelly · 18/04/2023 17:46

Yes, you just need to be firm and clear about what the boundaries are from now on, I think it's totally fair to say, for example, that visits were using up your holiday time so you will be limiting them in future.

My grandparents had a 2nd home on the coast that we visited a lot as children, but when we were adults they didn't let us use it - and I understood because there were quite a lot of us by then who might have wanted it and it was fair enough they didn't want their use of it to be constrained by everyone else coming and going.

Dontworkmondays · 18/04/2023 17:56

If you can afford it don’t worry. Life is short and spending time with family is everything.
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and buying a big old house on a farm just outside London, just so we can have a destination style house for family to come stay with us. Your set up sounds like what I’m trying to build.