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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 18/04/2023 13:02

If it were very close family/friends (parents/best friend, but not siblings nor extended family) I'd do it, but I'd ask for a £100 per week fee. To cover fuel, food etc. To the others I'd say, "I can't as I don't have spare annual leave and it costs too much to host everyone. I can reccomend a good local hotel, you can come for dinner at the weekend." You have to think about what you both want, and set the boundaries in a polite way. If they really wanted to see you,
like they say, then they'd book a hotel and visit you. Do not allow yourself to be used.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 18/04/2023 13:04

CalistoNoSolo · 17/04/2023 12:09

You're allowing this. Either suck it up or say no to visitors.

This⬆️

stop being a doormat and say no!

SpringLobelia · 18/04/2023 13:05

As someone who lives in a beautiful tourist area it has taken me just on 20 years to put my foot down on visitors and feeloaders.

Don't be like me.

Say no.

Mari9999 · 18/04/2023 13:17

Just let them know when it is inconvenient either in terms of time or comfort. I would imagine that they ask in advance.

It also sounds as though you may not make any effort to visit them thus sending a subtle message that they or their accommodations are not to your liking or standards.

Whatever the reason, you should be willing to respond to a request consistent with your time and ease of availability. They are not just showing up at your door without prior notification.

WhiteBobbin · 18/04/2023 13:22

Fuck that.
Just say you have no annual leave, or you need time to yourself and it’s too much work.
Stop planning everything for them and cooking, say when they book in its £100 towards food.

crispsnutsandcake · 18/04/2023 13:28

Where's the nearest airport then? How long does that take to drive plus waiting time?! Maybe you mean visitors from abroad coming to the UK but don't some people come in their own car?

To echo many others, stop being a mug and set some limits on number and length of visits, transport, meals etc. The decent people will understand

FFF3 · 18/04/2023 13:31

You could just say no….?

BigDanDan · 18/04/2023 13:34

Presumably they text you a few months in advance asking if those dates are good for you. Just start saying no to some - perhaps only every other week or one in three in the high season. Having been in this position when I was a kid I learned later that our family were also resentful of us as they always had to travel to visit us and we never made the effort to go see them, so resentment can go both ways. You’re in control of it though - stop it before you get resentful.

AlexisR · 18/04/2023 13:37

So the problem is you have too many family members who want to come and see you, stay with you, and spend time with you?

If you don't want to see/ host them, just say no, but I think it's pretty awful to complain about the fact that people want to come and visit you. You are lucky.

SinisterIslandRoundabout · 18/04/2023 13:49

Whilst I understand that you don’t want constant visitors, I’ve voted YABU as you can JUST SAY NO!

Stop being a martyr and let people know that you don’t want to host them ; it’s not that hard.

FlamingMadKatie · 18/04/2023 13:50

“Oh lovely we’d love to see you, we’ll come to you this year though, we’d like a change of scenery and it’ll save you the travelling. We’ll let you know what time to collect us from the airport/station.”

WoolyMammoth55 · 18/04/2023 13:51

OP, not sure if you're still reading... I voted YABU because this is a nice problem to have: people I love want to visit me frequently at my beautiful home so that we can spend time together.

Your problem is (I think?) that they are coming too often, expecting too much driving (airport transfers and sightseeing) and not contributing fairly to the food costs.

ALL OF THESE ARE VERY FIXABLE!
Tell them no sometimes when you need a break. You control your diary, not them.
Tell them you aren't available for all the driving - need to work or need a break - they are welcome to come but need to rent a car at the airport.
Tell them you'd appreciate a contribution of £xxx for the food shop, and share the receipt to prove your spend so they can see it's reasonable.
Then anyone who doesn't come with those boundaries in place either misses out on seeing you, or invites you to visit them!

Be kind but assertive. Let them know that you love them and love spending time with them but also need to get your work done, have some downtime, and share costs fairly. If they've got a problem with that then it's their problem, not yours.

Best of luck!

BarrelOfOtters · 18/04/2023 13:53

I kind of get this - it's lovely to see them but they don't appreciate the effort and you are glad when they are gone.

We've also got a big house, just the two of us, so it's seen as fair game. We only have one spare room though - one's a study, the attics are 'still being sorted out'....so we've limited guests that way.

I think you probably just have to say it's lovely but say you can only spare a few days - would love to meet up somewhere else.

BlueberryClouds · 18/04/2023 14:01

We have exactly the same thing. I feel your pain. I have two rules that keep me sane. I say that I don't have enough holiday to take the full stay's time off other than maybe a long weekend but they're still welcome to stay as long as they like. For some of them I'll take a long weekend but not always. That means people are more likely to hire a car etc and entertain themselves.
And I also make sure I visit them in return with that saved holiday. Which is expensive obviously but it means the load is shared.
Even so I find it too much some years but I totally understand that you don't want to say a flat no as it's the only time you see people. It's just a case of setting some boundaries I suppose.

smooththecat · 18/04/2023 14:08

If you want to see them, send them a list of air bnbs.

Backtobed · 18/04/2023 14:08

This will continue for as long as you allow it to.

femfemlicious · 18/04/2023 14:14

@Autumnequinox I think people are being very harsh on you. As a woman I know how we are socialised to facilitate people. At first we really don't mind so much and we Don't realise where it will lead but after a while we get sick of it.

now it's time to switch it up. I feel you wouldn't mind people coming if it wasnt such hard work?. I would start making it less like a hotel for them. Tell them your holidays are used up so can't take Time off. Show them the hoover and the sheets and make them clean their own room becauseyou have been full on at work so ur so tired. Ask them to cook. Ask them to buy food. They can't expect you to be a free catered holiday forever.

Dustybarn · 18/04/2023 14:14

I had this problem. In the 2.5 years that we have lived in a holiday destination we have had around 200 nights of guests. They are almost all family. Some have stayed as long as 5 weeks and 99% of them make zero contribution and no effort to help with tidying. I have only one relative on my side of the family who makes a real effort. They have sometimes arrived with boisterous pets in tow and the one arrived and announced they were homeless and unable to leave. I work from home and the disruption was huge. So I finally put my foot down and texted them all saying that going forward we would appreciate if stays are limited to 5 nights and explained how disruptive it is. It was surprisingly graciously received so we’ll see how long it lasts…

Summerpetal · 18/04/2023 14:17

That’s hilarious
it’s your home ,just say no

Summerpetal · 18/04/2023 14:20

Do you think
if you lived in some bog average town ,in a normal house they would be so desperate to come and stay with you
it’s not you they want
it’s a free holiday,
fed and watered ,ferried about ,
what’s not to love

Laughloveloneliness · 18/04/2023 14:20

Er, dont have them stay then? Say no? With regards to your DH not helping I don't know what to say. I am starting to think I need me a wife.

Sammyandtheboocas · 18/04/2023 14:21

I've voted ' YABU' as you have brought this on yourself by allowing it to happen.

Of course people are going to use you as a free holiday if you don't say otherwise. Times are hard, they might think you are loaded and are doing a favour to family and friends to help out.

As someone has mentioned earlier, it would take one email ( BCC everyone) or a WhatsApp message to say "unfortunately we will not be hosting this year as we would like to save the money that it costs, but it will be lovely to be hosted or to visit you this year "

diddl · 18/04/2023 14:21

Do people think that because they have flown to see you that they owe you nothing?

Do you also visit them?

EcoChica1980 · 18/04/2023 14:26

I think you should have a good hard think about the alternative: Seeing family much less, and family probably feeling like they're not very welcome, with decades of retirement ahead of you in this remote place.

There's a hundred ways to get rid of the small annoyances of these visits. Say no once in a while, and explain you can't spare the time to act as tour guide.

listsandbudgets · 18/04/2023 14:28

This summer I reckon you'll be doing a tour of the UK.

Dear Friends and family

You have spent so much time with us that we thought it only fair we did the travelling this time and came to see you. Also it will be wonderful to have a break from hosting and for us to see other bits of the country.

We thought we would do a tour of the country and spend 2-3 nights with each of you. Our proposed itinery is:

2-4 August Fred and family
4-7th August Jane and co
7-10th Augst Simon and family
10th - 14th August Julia
14-17 Diana and George

We can't wait to see you all. Obviously we can swap the dates around a bit.

All the best

Autumneqinox and DH

PS we've decided not to have any visitors this year ourselves