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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:
vilepig · 18/04/2023 11:52

Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked!

Nice use of the passive there. Who is booking them? How do they get booked? They can't get booked unless someone says yes to the booking.
Just say no for goodness sake.
At the beginning of each year agree with your husband when you will book holiday time for you as a family - and that includes holidays at home. Decide which bank holiday weekends you want to spend together as a family. And "book" all of these in your calendar. That means none of these can "get booked" by other people. Both you and DH say, no, sorry we aren't available on those dates.

If you do still want to have a few selected people to stay from time to time they can come at another time but you need to be absolutely clear that you won't be picking them up from the airport or catering for them or driving them around places. If they want to come, they can, but you will be working and while you'll be able to spend some time with them they need to be self-sufficient. They will need to hire a car or use public transport.

I live abroad in a nice place and I find that a lot of people don't seem to understand (or don't want to understand) that I have a normal life like everyone else and that includes work, but other commitments such as musical groups too and I can't just stop working or pull out of activities where I am needed because someone wants to visit.

SavBlancTonight · 18/04/2023 11:54

anonacfr · 18/04/2023 11:16

Was it a glass of Sauvignon Blanc by any chance?

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Grin
Pipsquiggle · 18/04/2023 11:54

I have friends who live in a picturesque area that have lots of requests for visits.

They have strict rules that they tell people:
3 nights max stay (longer if they are travelling from abroad and they like them).
Guests pay for one meal out or cook themselves.
Guests need to host themselves on at least 1 day as they have jobs that they need to do.
They don't do long transfers, I think they do pick up from the local town.
They also tell people 'No' if it doesn't suit them.

My suggestion is draw up your own list that suits you and start telling people. Just say it's because you get so many requests and you have busy lives.

qpmz · 18/04/2023 12:01

Most people work hard to get why they want. Can you afford to host them but just don't want them there? Why the hell does the husband not do much?

Climbles · 18/04/2023 12:09

Either say no or say that you don’t have enough holidays and you are very busy at work. Tell them while they are welcome to come, they will have to entertain themselves, feed themselves and get themselves about.

Eddielizzard · 18/04/2023 12:11

If it's your DH's relatives coming, tell him he's got to sort them all out, do cleaning, cooking, ferrying etc. He won't believe you of course, won't do anything and will expect you to step up. Which you mustn't. You'll be working very very hard. So his family will arrive with no lift, no delicious food, no beds set up. Reckon that'll be the last of it.

Pluvia · 18/04/2023 12:12

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 11:25

@Pluvia

But I still have to go down to the orchard, sun or rain, and clean the place and make beds...

Why can't your partner do that? I get you're WFH but that doesn't mean it's you who has always to do those chores - especially if it's your partner doing the inviting? Or maybe charge the guests for a cleaning/housekeeping fee? 🌹

Well, to be honest it isn't always me. I'd say it's a 70:30 split, partly because I'm the one on the premises and partly because my partner's one of those people who doesn't see mess and dirt and missing towels or full rubbish bins — and she's a woman, can't blame it on testosterone.

I know that it can be difficult to say no to family members who want to stay, OP, because that can have knock-on effects throughout the rest of the family. I suggest lining up your excuses well in advance of being asked and agreeing with your DH that next Easter, for example, you are hosting some mythical old work colleagues or university friends and so, sorry, not this time.

TheKobayashiMaru · 18/04/2023 12:16

OP?

Rosscameasdoody · 18/04/2023 12:17

As they say on MN, ‘No’ is a complete sentence !! It’s your home, not a holiday let and you need to tell them that nicely, but in terms they will understand. Tell them you and DH work full time, and you’re not up to acting as hosts in your leisure time on every major holiday. Your DH will have to man up and get on board with it too - you need to present a united front and tell them that you love them and want to see them, but on your own terms and when it’s convenient for you.

mainsfed · 18/04/2023 12:17

TheKobayashiMaru · 18/04/2023 12:16

OP?

No suspect she’s logged off to welcome the next coach load 😂

Rosscameasdoody · 18/04/2023 12:19

qpmz · 18/04/2023 12:01

Most people work hard to get why they want. Can you afford to host them but just don't want them there? Why the hell does the husband not do much?

Doesn’t sound as though it’s about the expense. I wouldn’t like to have to play host on every major holiday.

Avatartar · 18/04/2023 12:20

You are allowed a holiday, say you are away next time( you could always have to cxld at last minute when asked how it went), have time off to decorate so you have no visitors, say you’ve turned some rooms into AirB&B or keep it simple and say you’ve never had any time off alone in your own home and are having some staycations. After that you just say no you can’t do x week and when you do agree something say people are going to have to get a taxi from airport and self cater. Also set dates ie 3 nights not 7 because you have x to do before you are back to work. You have a life too

whatwasIgoingtosay · 18/04/2023 12:25

I don't get it - you end your post by saying, 'I love them and want to see them'. But quite clearly this isn't the case. As other PPs have said, just say NO.

Justalittlebitduckling · 18/04/2023 12:43

Suggest a couple of nights rather than a week. Tell them they’ll have to make their own way from the airport. Suggest going out to a pub for dinner so everyone can pay for themselves. Or just say, sorry we’re going to have a quiet Easter/Christmas this year etc. You need to set your boundaries where you want them to be.

PinkyFlamingo · 18/04/2023 12:45

Why have you let it get this bad without saying no?

TheKobayashiMaru · 18/04/2023 12:48

mainsfed · 18/04/2023 12:17

No suspect she’s logged off to welcome the next coach load 😂

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😂

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/04/2023 12:48

You could fix this if you wanted to, OP. You don't want to do that. You want to be a moaning martyr. That's ok but, what a waste of time.

Imagine not doing all these things that you say you don't like doing? My Mum does this. Runs herself ragged, moaning all the way... irritating. But, at least all you're doing is moaning here. Carry on...

saraclara · 18/04/2023 12:49

right, if you want to come down next month, we'd love to see you. With so many visitors all the time I can't really take more time off work etc etc, so I suggest you hire a car when you get here and let's agree a rota for meal prep?

That. They're family, and family visits (on my world anyway) do not involve being a tour guide or a taxi service. Our family members in the UK drive to us and fit around us, and we do likewise when we visit them.

When we visit family in world we book our own accommodation, and visit/meet up/have days out with them in whatever way for around their schedule.

I'm about to visit relatives on the other side of the world (yes, we have a very large and international extended family!). I've already booked a hire car, and will stay with some relatives and visit others. I'll be responsible for myself and anyone who wants to join me on days out is welcome. But I recognise that they have lives and commitments, and I'm just really appreciative of a bed at a couple of their houses. They also appreciate that I might need some time to myself sometimes. I absolutely do not want them to have to run around after me. I will doubtless take then for meals out/pay for coffees/takeaways, contribute in whatever way they will let me.

Kolakalia · 18/04/2023 12:49

YABU to complain about something you're agreeing to over and over again.

saraclara · 18/04/2023 12:50

When we visit family in world

In EUROPE!

Beaverbridge · 18/04/2023 12:51

Straight No, not happening anymore.

MileEndMillenial · 18/04/2023 12:51

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LaylaLjungberg · 18/04/2023 12:51

Do you visit them? I felt bad for my grandparents, they had a large house by the sea and we went for so many holidays but then they never used to visit anyone so it kind of evened out.

Biilie82 · 18/04/2023 12:53

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No more twattish than many on here, my point still stands

ShandaLear · 18/04/2023 13:01

If you don’t want someone to visit just tell the truth. ‘We’ll love to see you Sheila, but we had a full house every spare minute for the whole of last year. It cost us a fortune and we ended up using all our annual leave collecting people from the airport and being good hosts, and in all honesty we’re knackered and need a break ourselves. We’ll be back down in OldTown in May if you fancy getting together then. I’ll give you a call closer to the time to make plans’.