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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relatives Overload

185 replies

Autumnequinox · 17/04/2023 12:07

My DH and I are lucky enough to live in a lovely, if remote part of the UK. We live quite far from most of the near and close family.
We have worked bloody hard to pay off mortgage early and we have managed it - nice large rural house with land. We both work full time and we are working towards retirement in next few years. AIBU in that all the relatives descend at regular intervals and grab themselves a free holiday!
Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, school holidays get booked! Visitors expect to be collected from Airport and ferried around and entertained all week. I usually book a few days holiday, then return to work as I don't want to use up my precious holidays being a tour guide.
Preparation consists of cleaning, getting guest rooms ready and usually spend about £200 on groceries. The rest of the time is cooking, cleaning and planning activities, also transporting them to activities. DH doesn't help much.
My grateful SIL gave me £30 to contribute to the weeks food budget on last visit - Raging!
I love them all and want to see them, but I am getting more and more resentful each time. AIBU??

OP posts:

echt · 18/04/2023 17:58

I don't think the OP is coming back.
Or even real.

mathanxiety · 18/04/2023 19:25

Do you have a fleet of elves doing the schlepping from the airport and all the cleaning and preparing, or is it you yourself doing all of this for the cheeky fuckers you call relatives after telling them they are welcome to stay when they invite themselves?

Practice telling people the house isn't available any more.

Original poster

Autumnequinox · 18/04/2023 20:40

Oh my god how I have laughed at some of the comments- especially the harsh ones!!
It has given me a different perspective and some of the remarks have definitly hit home. I have realised i am happy to share my place with loved ones and also i do need to set some clearer limits and boundaries. Gently does it though with kindness
I love the idea of a cabin, or caravan in the garden. That would be fairly easy to sort.

OP posts:

Laughloveloneliness · 18/04/2023 22:11

You can't set limits and boundaries gently and with kindness. If these people are happy to take advantage of you and your time then it is going to take a bit more than that. You seem happy to crack on though so good luck!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2023 23:11

Gently does it though with kindness

You have to be "gentle?" Are these people made of glass? Just say no like a normal person and they can deal with it.

saraclara · 18/04/2023 23:36

Laughloveloneliness · 18/04/2023 22:11

Of course you can. If some of these people are close relatives that you love, then you can put your boundaries in a way that doesn't make them feel unwelcome, but does make them realise that they need to be more considerate.

Presumably OP does want to see some of these people. But wants them to understand that she needs to reserve some of her time off for her own breaks. So a perfectly kind "I'd love to see you sis, but I'm going to be at work most of the time, so you'll need to pick a hire car up at the airport, as I won't be able to pick you up, or take you out for days" is appropriate. There's no need for "I'm not going to be picking you up at the airport any more, because it's getting really annoying. You shouldn't expect me to take time off for you either. It's just not fair"

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/04/2023 00:57

I would allow visitors, but don’t ferry them around, let them hire a car. And don’t stock the fridge. Find a balance of having friends and family to visit, but not be taken advantage of.

user1492757084 · 19/04/2023 03:43

Be plain and honest.
Say it is not sustainable for them to come for days every year.
Suggest other B & B s nearby.
Go and visit them and book into a motel near them to show an example.
Always let them know the effort and cost of what you provide - past the limit of what you deem a fair enough generous host would do.
Set your boundaries and comminicate.
Is a weekend every two years good?
Is three week days out of school holidays, once per year your limit?

Just say 'no' when it is unsuitable, every time.
'When will it suit?'

Answer .. 'Maybe September in ten months.'

GnomeDePlume · 19/04/2023 07:15

It is difficult with families.

You are happy to have Aunt Joan to stay because she really helps out, is a joy to be with. Aunt Maud (Joan's sister) is a different kettle of fish because she superglues herself to your favourite chair and moans constantly for the duration of the visit.

If you allow Aunt Joan to stay how do you say no to Aunt Maud without causing a family feud which will last for the next ten generations? Aunt Maud is probably totally unaware that she is a nightmare houseguest.

illtakeit · 19/04/2023 09:03

OP, I get the impression that this isn't going to end, not sure why you posted about it. I think you're afraid to say no. Good luck with it all.

Spellcheck · 19/04/2023 10:00

Totally hear you, and can’t understand your relatives. My PIL lived in the south of France which was lovely - they had a pool and lots of land, perfect holiday location. They did have a lot of visitors, some of whom took the piss.
Every time we visited with our kids we always bought the food shopping - all of it - made up and stripped our own beds, helped with housework, tidied up after ourselves and organised our own transport. Why wouldn’t you?! We were so conscious it was someone’s home, and although they chose to live there, all that way away, we did choose to visit so it was only fair we made it as easy as possible for them. I wonder how easy it would be to suggest to your family that it’s a lot of work, and would they mind helping out in some way while they’re there?

NazMedusa · 19/04/2023 18:19

I voted YABU based on the fact that you're allowing this and also, from what you're saying, facilitating this.

You need to say "sorry, we'll be busy but you're more than welcome to stay at a hotel and we'll try to catch up with you on one of the days you're here." That's it. They'll soon get the picture.

ilovegranny · 19/04/2023 18:25

This happened to me in similar circumstances, for years. I enjoyed getting things ready for them, and most of them contributed generously. If it’s not fun for you, then just say no.

MeridianB · 19/04/2023 18:25

Laughloveloneliness · 18/04/2023 22:11

This! Many, most or all of them are happy to demand/expect an all-inclusive holiday from you.

Why do you need to be gentle and kind, rather than politely set some very acceptable boundaries? The annual leave is presumably because they need ferrying around. So hiring a car at the airport and getting more independent sounds essentially for starters.

AnnieSnap · 19/04/2023 18:34

@Autumnequinox you sound like a really nice person. I know that in your heart you already know this, but you need boundaries. Decide what will work for you. If you don’t want people to come and stay at all, then that should be your boundary. It sounds as if you don’t want to go that far though. You said you actually like them, so perhaps, as a PP suggested, decide on a couple of weeks a year when everyone can come and stay, send them all an email explaining this and this given the cost of living crisis, could everyone bring a large home-cooked meal for the freezer and a couple of bags of essential shopping items with them. Give your husband specific preparation tasks to do and don’t tolerate his skiving!

pinkstripeycat · 19/04/2023 18:49

Why do you tell them when you’ve taken annual leave so they can descend on you?

Take annual leave and don’t tell them or tell them it’s too much and too expensive to cater for them all the time.

wellstopdoingitthen · 19/04/2023 19:07

You could announce that you have decided to run a b&b from your new home.
They are welcome to book & you will give them an x% discount on the rates..

That should either put them off or make them pay their way.

You can also tell them that you can't accommodate them because you are booked up.

CountryMouse22 · 19/04/2023 19:09

In the words of Grange Hill: Just Say No !

Ilovecleaning · 19/04/2023 19:10

Send them all the same text/WhatsApp saying something like.
Hi Everyone/lovely relatives
“its been nice having you to visit during the past couple of years but it’s getting a bit much for me at the moment. I often end up returning to work quite tired. I need to book my holidays at home for a rest at Christmas/Easter/half terms/ Bank Holidays and not have any visitors for at least the coming year. love xxx”
Some will be aghast, others angry, others disappointed but no one will feel picked on as they are all getting the same treatment.
I certainly would put a stop to this. There is the possibility that they think you don’t mind or you love having them so don’t be too harsh in your text but make it clear.
Good luck.

Ilovecleaning · 19/04/2023 19:11

PS - as far as possible I think it is always best to be as honest as you can.

wentworthinmate · 19/04/2023 19:37

Just say no. Why is it so hard?

ThistleTits · 19/04/2023 21:20

@Autumnequinox
You are bu by allowing their behaviour. Stop doing so.

Thehappygardener · 19/04/2023 22:57

My friend bought a good sized house in Europe when she retired, usually lived there from Easter to November. Friends and relations were welcome to stay for a few days or a week, but:

She never picked anyone up from the airport; you could might make an exception for grandparents.
Guests had to amuse themselves in the day.
She would provide simple food but would not cook breakfast, perhaps Croissants, bread, jam.
Guests needed to provide and cook an evening meal at least once a week and be entertaining AND no sulking
Guests could stay in the house and use the swimming pool in the day, but must amuse themselves and provide own food. Parents were responsible for children’s safety by pool or they had to leave that day
I think she expected a case of wine or equivalent. Possibly £10.00 a day for cleaning, can’t remember
She didn’t invite all and sundry
She had someone to help with beds etc, and guests cleaned their rooms during the week, etc and stripped their beds and cleared the shared bathrooms at the end of their stay.
Some weeks were kept clear for her daughter or for her husband and herself to have a quiet week or month.
The rules were understood, she was charming when she let people know what to expect, and some people didn’t get invited back!
Christmas, etc, was for special guests.

      It worked very well for everyone.  🌷🌷🌷

Newestname002 · 19/04/2023 23:40

@Thehappygardener

Sounds like she had things pretty much how she wanted it - good for her! 🌹

Mamanyt · 20/04/2023 01:12

"I am so very sorry, but we have plans! Perhaps another time." Or, "No." That is a complete sentence, but the first is probably better for family. No, they do not need to know that your plans are relaxing for that time period in blessed, blessed silence.

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