Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

274 replies

JellyBelly50 · 17/04/2023 08:45

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

OP posts:
Miscellaneousme · 17/04/2023 08:49

YANBU, people love to give unsolicited advice like this, especially about birth. Discuss your birth choices with your consultant and make the choice that is right for you. Birth is birth - however you do it.

SurvivingJust1 · 17/04/2023 08:49

Obviously it's all up to you. You know that she's being unreasonable.
For me I reckon it'd be weighing up the unknown versus the calm of a date and a recovery. The unknown won't be as calm but could have a better (or I sup

WimpoleHat · 17/04/2023 08:50

She sounds tactless as hell - and there’s no such thing as giving birth “properly”. That said, a C section is a major operation, from which it does take a long time to
recover, so it’s not an “easy option” at all in that sense. But presumably you’ve talked to your consultant about all of this? He or she will be the best person to help you come to that decision; I’d worry about what s/he says, not your friend!

SurvivingJust1 · 17/04/2023 08:51

Sorry -

Suppose c section could have and most likely a longer recovery.

Weigh up what you'd rather. Also scar will literally never be seen so who cares.

Original poster
JellyBelly50 · 17/04/2023 08:51

@Miscellaneousme Thank you. Half of my friends have had c sections and I’ve never considered this not to be birth until last night. Now I feel really upset. I hate the judgemental part of pregnancy, birth and motherhood

OP posts:
Seaitoverthere · 17/04/2023 08:52

No she isn’t right and I would be reconsidering your friendship. If you have a baby you have given birth and the reward is the baby. What a steaming pile of shit she is spouting. Please ignore her and continue doing as you are doing ie. Discuss it with your consultant who can go through the pros and cons with you relating to your individual position and then you can make an informed decision for your circumstances.

Verassata · 17/04/2023 08:52

Your body, your baby, your choice.

Don't let any non-medical professional tell you otherwise. The dictionary definition of birth is

"the emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its mother; the start of life as a physically separate being"

nothing in that about it being a vaginal delivery. I had a failed labour and an EMCS due to baby in distress. I chose an ELCS for my second child for a number of reasons and like me, you do not have to justify your choice to anyone. It is the right decision for you. Yes there will be a scar, but then there are also women with vaginal scars from tearing when birthing a baby vaginally. I think it is awful that your friends were unsupportive.

Lazyladydaisy · 17/04/2023 08:52

Your friend doesn't sound very nice.
Do what's right for you and ignore the self righteous crap she is spouting. Being a parent is hard enough without people who are supposed to have your back making you feel bad.

Original poster
JellyBelly50 · 17/04/2023 08:53

@WimpoleHat What annoys me the most is she had a water birth, un medicated and was very proud of herself and I told her how proud I am of her wether she needed pain relief or not - that she brought her daughter into the world. I was so happy for her positive birth story and now I feel a bit upset that she’s moaned at me for my choices

OP posts:
brunettemic · 17/04/2023 08:53

YANBU I’ve had both and I certainly didn’t feel any different after the c-section in terms of it being a “real” birth. It’s your body, so what’s right for you. Your friend had a water birth and personally I don’t get all that, doesn’t mean I’m right I just don’t get it.

Playmobilzoo · 17/04/2023 08:53

Tell her to button it. This is your decision.

As for whether it's the right choice, speak to the consultant about the pros and cons of each option and then you can make an informed decision. But that decision shouldn't be on what's the "proper" way to give birth.

I had a vaginal birth with both of mine and didn't get the euphoria that some women get. I was just glad it was over! I also don't sit around feeling smug that I did it "properly". What a weird attitude.

GoodChat · 17/04/2023 08:53

She's an idiot. You do what's best for you. You'll still have given birth - you just won't have pushed a baby out of your vagina.

FlounderingFruitcake · 17/04/2023 08:54

Well she sounds like a throughly nasty piece of work. Personally I’d never speak to her again but whatever you do, don’t take any ‘advice’ from her and make your own decision.

ramanw · 17/04/2023 08:55

Do what is best for you.
Others will always have a different opinion.

For what it's worth, I had an emergency C section after hours of horrendous pain. I then went on to have an elective the next time because I felt so traumatised from the first time. Healed well and the scar is totally fine.

Some people seem to find giving birth naturally really important. It's not something I've ever understood.

Don't listen to her & do what you feel is right for you.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 17/04/2023 08:55

Folk love to judge new mums. You either give birth wrong, feed wrong, wrong nappies, burp wrong, sleep routine wrong....

By the time the kid is 5 nobody gives a shit.

Some folk see anything other than their exact experience as a personal insult, like your choices mean you think she did things the wrong way.

Crack on with whatever you want to do, and either tell that woman to fuck off, or start making up the wildest shit that you're going to do and watch her spontaneously combust.

foulksmills · 17/04/2023 08:59

Well, it wouldn't be what I'd choose. But it could be the right choice for you. With the wonderful benefit of hindsight, if I'd had a c section with my DS it's very likely he wouldn't have nearly died.

Instead I had a 'natural birth' (not by choice, he was just on his way before pain relief was an option) and he very nearly didn't make it home from the hospital. Very annoying when people act like a 'natural birth' earns them some extra special Blue Peter badge. Every labour is different and requires different handling.

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/04/2023 09:03

Just nod and smile and go for something bland like " everyone makes the best choices for themselves.
You wont change her opinion.

I had an elective c section for "no medical reason" i just wanted one. It was great and i am 100% happy with my choice.

I have gained and lost friends through motherhood as some of my friends turned into people i didnt know...really holier than though and pushing anti vax ,natural birth, ebf until 2+ reusable nappies blah blah blah
Like do what you want but dont tell me i am awful for doing it differently

PurBal · 17/04/2023 09:05

YANBU. Do see if you can get a birth plan meeting with all your care providers: my perinatal mental health support worker is arranging a birth plan meeting with him, midwife and consultant to discuss my needs around birth. For me it’s surrounding anxiety post birth but this could include a c section. Your friend is a dick.

londonrach · 17/04/2023 09:08

Your birth your choice. My friends who had c section s had a worse time than me post birth so it's definitely giving birth. No one's going to care how baby is born. X

MonkeyPuddle · 17/04/2023 09:08

She’s a blethering idiot attaching moral value to the way your child is born.
If ELCS is in your best interests then go for it.
Whatever you do I wouldn’t be discussing feeding the baby with her either, bet she has some wonderful opinions on that as well 🙄

SparklyBlackKitten · 17/04/2023 09:11

If you are already upset by this you really need to get thicker skin. The new mum police is brutal. Every .. single ..thing will become a competition . And a lot of people like to talk down to women who had c sections. (Elective mostly but also emergency ones)

But op. A Csection is not the easiest way out. It can leave you both physically and mentally scared. It can leave you unable to pick up your baby for a long time. Ruin your abdomen. Leave you with a huge scar and send you to a mental facility for having PND.

When it comes to giving birth. There is no right and there is no wrong
You never know how you are able to cope mentally with what is to come

So don't go into the selective c section thinking it will be "better" for your mental health. Because you simply don't know.

But what you need to do is keep breathing. Not talking to your friends anymore and just try to focus on your baby. But don't rule one thing out for another thinking it would be better for your general mental state as you simply don't know.

Giving birth naturally could even heal all that is broken inside. You dont know.
My body robbed me from that opportunity. I wish had been able to welcome my kid into the world the good oll fashioned way because i dont feel like I gave birth to my kids. My kids weren born allright. But giving birth I dont feel like I have.

But I gave life
Now that's for sure.
To my beautiful babies.

But yeah just dont think one way is easier
Or better for your mental health than the other

Oh and ps
Talk to your best friend
Be honest.
Don't lose her over this. Youll end up regretting it

AprilFool23 · 17/04/2023 09:11

If things go wrong in a vaginal birth you might end up with tears or episiotomy where you have to sit, wee, poo etc.
That's often worse than an abdominal wound.

There's also the possibility you go through most of a vaginal birth that doesn't progress and end up having to have a c section anyway.

Jellycats4life · 17/04/2023 09:12

Speaking as someone who had a “gold star” (being sarcastic here) water birth that ended in a severe tear and surgery and terrible PND… you bet I begged for the elective section second time around.

Natural birth is overrated. Second time around I was delighted not to have to experience a single contraction. Made such a huge difference to my mental health. The recovery was easy - much easier than recovering from a tear - and the scar is invisible.

Your friend can GTF.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 17/04/2023 09:12

Your body your choice 🤷‍♀️
I'd opt for a C-section every time 👍🏻

OnlyYellowRoses · 17/04/2023 09:13

If a baby leaves your body, whether that's via traditional way or via the sun roof option then you have given birth. Simple as.
Don't let someone else's close minded views and insecurities impact on you doing what feels right or the best for you x