Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

So your friend thinks it's only rewarding if you have a vaginal delivery. Yes, look all those disappointed c-section mums sulking in the corner not being real mums. Pft.
I had emergency c-section, my friend waxed on and on about hypnobirthing, had the pool and doula ready to go (at home, first baby), books on how hospitals are evil places to give birth with all the lights and noise and stuff. She got bluelighted in for an emergency cs. She didn't have much to say about her twatty behaviour after that.
Baby got birthed. That's all you need to do, however it happens!
I mean, you could be hateful and uno reverse with the natural birth stereotype and say you don't fancy the baggy fanny and want to keep it tight. Then smile sympathetically at her partner. (Not that I believe for a minute vaginal birth does that, but if someone's going to be hateful, I'll match the energy rather than rise above it! She's trotting out 'c-section isn't a real birth' so fuck her).

At any moment your friend’s birth could have become a c-section and she would not have ‘missed out’ on anything except the foetal or maternal deaths that occur in communities without the ready access to medical support that she dismisses and yet would tear her arm off to get if she needed it.

Yeah, evangelists about vaginal birth fail to realise or acknowledge in any way that birth is actually a dangerous shit show that used to result in many mothers and babies deaths before medical intervention. If it goes well, lovely. If it doesn't, and it often doesn't; mothers and infants ended up dead. "Nature" doesn't care about that; only that enough of a species survives.

Such brutal, tragic facts are not clear to them; being kind here, only because of interventions in our country for decades and decades now.

Surely the rewarding part of friendship is that you're nice, kind and supportive friend?

Sad for her that she's a shit friend.

I too hate the judgement around childbirth, and the smugness particularly arpund pain relief. No-one would applaud someone for having a wisdom tooth removed with no anaesthetic. It's your body, your choice. Just to counter some of the horrific descriptions on here I had a VB with an epidural and weeks earlier my friend at had a c section. Both were fine, not easy and needed recovery time but didn't leave us with trauma and/or terrible injuries. Babies now older and both fine too.

Last week I spoke to a lady whose sil has had ruptured organs during an attempted vaginal delivery; she pulled through only with intense medical intervention at the right time. She wasn't even an "older" Mum, early 30s I think.

I also read somewhere that men being present affecting hormones and progress.

I think you're lucky to have a friend who has expressed that she had a really positive experience. Sounds like ( she may not have articulated it very well)she's hoping that you too can share her experience in your chosen way.
I image that the tiny bit of the conversation is making the larger picture look worse. At the end of the day baby will arrive in whatever way nature and medicine dictate and your friend will be a great source of help during those tough few months xx

*Now I know how important the primeval part of the brain is in birth. The set up in hospital generally didn't allow for this back then. I don't know if it's different today.

You need very low light, warmth, security, reassurance and quiet, To be able to move and rock rhythmically should you need. This means the body can react to pain properly.
You can make endorphins in big quantities. Then you plateau for a time. Then build again with more endorphins kicking in. But if this is disturbed by loud noise, bright lights or being asked questions, and you have to come back from that state quickly the endorphin release is interrupted.*

While this is all true, it's also the case that this could all be in place and a birth could still go disastrously wrong due to random uncontrollable factors - cords round neck etc.

I think you're lucky to have a friend who has expressed that she had a really positive experience.

It's a pity she had extended that to ignorant judgement about what is "properly" giving birth.

After a long and painful labour resulting in an EMCS that traumatised me for a long time, I am an advocate for ELCS if that’s what you want.

it’s great she had an uncomplicated birth that she wanted, but you deserve the same.

She is wrong. It’s great she had a positive experience but she expressed it in such a rude and downright mean way. FWIW my elective was a breeze, recovery was OK, I was out of hospital in under 48hr and out for short walks with my baby in under a week. My scar is small.

Birth is risky no matter how you choose to do it. Even a homebirth with all the fairy lights and soft music in the world can tits up, so you just have to make a choice and go with it. Do what you think is best.

She’s an idiot.

C section is giving birth. I have my proof right in front of me from an EMCS and I plan on an ELCS for our new arrival in the summer.

You do what’s right for you and the best of luck x

April fool23 I agree she's hasn't expressed it at all well or appropriately but it doesn't mean the end of a friendship or that she's not a good friend ,

I think it's so easy for mums who have only ever had a "natural, pain relief free, hypno, water, blissful" birth to say that that is the right thing to do, or the best thing to do. They don't know any different, and the advice comes from a place of privilege and naivety.
I tried to have one of those lovely natural births and everything went tits up and I ended up having a heavily medicated, forceps and episiotomy birth.. I wish in retrospect I'd had a C-Section
It is OK to do what is best for you and your physical and mental health. And your friend is a judgmental arsehole.

@JellyBelly50 at the end of the day, how your DC arrives in this world doesn't really matter. It's what happens next that is the important bit.

Your 'friend' sounds absolutely horrible, maybe consider avoiding her until after you have your baby (at least!).

"Because I had a painless, easy, vaginal birth, of course it is the best option for everyone."

Bollocks.

My consultant told me that vaginal birth, with no drugs or interventions, when problem free and "textbook" is undoubtedly the best way to give birth BUT that these births are not guaranteed and for many many women therefore, alternative options will 100% be the better choice.

Certainly, I can tell you that having suffered a very traumatic vaginal birth vs a much less traumatic emergency c-section, I'd take the c-section version. In both cases, my children were in danger. In the case of the vaginal birth, DS got through it but I will always suspect his Sensory Processing issues etc are the result of a traumatic birth. DD on the other hand, would most likely have died of been brain damaged if I hadn't had the c-section but today is as NT as they come, thriving and happy.

Your friend is an idiot. I'd be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because a lot of new mums spout this nonsense. But you should tell her that you are doing what's best for YOU and your baby and her opinion is irrelevant. If she accepts that, great. If not, reconsider the friendship.

She is not a good friend.

That's why op is on a forum upset and annoyed, canvassing opinions - 99% of which think she's a dick.

Your "friend" is mean and ill-informed. Yes, it is surgery which always carries risks (just like childbirth itself). There will be a very small scar. You may have a slightly longer recovery, you may not. I had an elective C and was up in three days and had no ill effects at all.

As pp have pointed out, all that matters is that you deliver a healthy baby and you're healthy too. How that happens is totally irrelevant. When you hold that baby for the first time, you will feel the love and the bond and the joy. And that's all that matters.

Wishing you all the very best.

and the advice comes from a place of privilege and naivety.

Exactly.

But I don't understand the ignorance - because you only have to talk to a few Mums to hear about vaginal births that went badly and resulting emcs (or just lots of birth injuries etc from vaginal births) ...so it's a sort of chosen, arrogant ignorance.

Why do people do this?! It's your choice. I had 2 vaginal births and wish I'd had c-sections. I have uterine, bowel and bladder prolapses.

I firmly believe that a c-section IS birth, @JellyBelly50 - so I hope you can feel reassured and happy about your choice.

Two things matter for me - that you have made an informed choice (and it certainly sounds as if you have), and that the baby and you make it through the birth safely.

And whichever you choose, you will have your baby in your arms, and how they got there will not matter to you at all. Just make sure that everyone around you knows it is major surgery, and you will need their support to recover properly.

I became a grandmother for the first time last year, and I promise you, it would have made no difference whatsoever if my lovely DIL had ended up needing a section, or if she had chosen one. Either way, she is my hero - and you are a hero too - I wish I could give you a massive hug!

God I hate these judgemental preachy fuckers, not much of a friend really. You do what's best for you, you're the one in your body, living your life. I had 2 sections due to fear of vaginal birth and they are the best decisions I made. When each one happened I was so proud of myself for making the right choice for me and I knew I had.

Genuinely don’t see how ANYONE could think you’re being unreasonable op

your mate sounds like a twat

What a lovely friend…. Not.

You are giving birth ~ it doesn’t matter how, it’s none of her beeswax. All that matters is your health and the baby’s health.

Tell her you’re too posh to push! and laugh in her face! Silly woman.

Two “natural” births. I’d love to know what the “reward factor” was 😁

Ignore the woman. Do what suits you. Congratulations.