Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

Ignore her, she’s being a dick.

My friend and I were both very scared of childbirth and discussed it a lot before we had our kids. She booked a section because she was worried about tearing, scared of a long labour and wanted to know when it was coming so she could be mentally ready.

I gave birth naturally because I didn’t want the exact date building up and freaking me out, and felt leaving it to the baby would take the pressure off. I was also very scared of having someone cut into my stomach.

Neither of us passed judgment on the other, or felt we’d done it ‘the right way.’ Both agreed we’d done it the best way for us, and that is literally all that matters. Sadly there’s no ‘good’ option for giving birth, so go with whatever you want and ignore your idiotic friend. And good luck!

I had an elective c-section last year. Also no physical medical need but I'd had a late loss & knew I wouldn't cope mentally if anything started to go pear-shaped during labour. It was the best choice for me and my recovery was absolutely fine, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. My scar is now basically invisible too (not that I care either way!)

Everyone will have different experiences of course, but go with what you want & try to block out anyone who tells you what you should/shouldn't be doing with your own body.

Good luck & enjoy the rest of your pregnancy as much as you can!

Fair enough, I meant the women talking about epidurals as though needing pain relief is some sort of failure.

I'm sorry the epidural didn't work for you. It works for most people who aren't used as guinea pigs by an incompetent student.

She's a dick and on a weird power trip. I'd get rid, who has time for those kind of power games. A healthy mother and baby is all anyone really wants.

Ugh. She is such a dick i have to say it again.

I imagine a water birth can be a good choice for some people but assuming your friend is human and not a dolphin or a whale I can't really see why she considers a water birth to be a natural method of birth.

Oh, she can fuck off. Why do we do this to ourselves (& other women)? I find it so strange to get self worth from the physical act of giving birth vaginally without drugs. A lot of it is luck. From some people, it’s quick and not too painful, for some it’s days long and baby is positioned in a way that compresses a nerve or whatever.

I think having a baby is a bit like a having a wedding. Both are just a stage that has to happen to get to the important bit i.e. your marriage or being a parent. Some people think that unmediated vaginal births are like a £30K wedding with a big white dress. They’ve decided that’s the best option, despite not having experienced the alternative, and they put that expectation on everyone else. Give it a couple of years, no one remembers and it has no bearing on the success of their marriage. Whether you do all that or go for the cheapest possible version you still end up legally married. All that matters is YOU are happy with YOUR choice.

When it comes to having babies - the best way is to have a live baby at the end of it. You aren’t a better mum because you didn’t have an epidural.

Yes, I always think this too - I had a water birth for one of my two births and thought it was an absolutely fantastic choice for me, considerably less painful than my 'dry land' birth and I found it so emotionally relaxing and comforting too to be in warm water, but I don't know why getting into what is clearly basically a jacuzzi is considered to be the peak of 'natural'!

When I gave birth to my daughter I spent most of early labour in the tub until it became clear that it was slowing everything right down. I got out of the bath and circled my hips for a bit during contractions, moaning in pain while I waited for the anaesthetist, then I had a lovely epidural and lay down on the bed for a nap, and when I woke up an hour later I was almost fully dilated and nearly ready to push. Bugger water births, give me the real drugs any day.

You have to protect your peace. I’m beginning to make decisions around who I want in my “space” after baby is here (I’m 32 weeks) and anyone who is the least bit judgemental can wait until I’m ready to see them. Postnatally you’ll feel vulnerable and it’s not the time to have someone around who considers themselves to be Mother Earth. She sounds tactless and unkind. And a c-section is giving birth. Baby just happens to be coming out the sun roof!

There is no guarantee a water birth will go smoothly. I stopped contracting whilst in the pool at 10cm dilated. I ended up being induced to get them going again, had epidural and the thing stuck on his head to pull him out. Can't say that would fit your friend's idea of "giving birth properly" yet I didn't have a c section. I also had a large scar down below and it didn't heal smoothly either. Your friend is being a twat. Do what is right for you and your baby as long as you are aware of the pros and cons to make an informed decision.

We are all different, what is right for one may not be right for another. I know you say she is your best friend but I would be slightly wary of her. Sounds like she sees herself as the expert and this could go on when it comes to choices you make for your baby. I would nip this in the bud now.

I had a water birth for DC4. I had the lyric “burning ring of fire” stuck on loop in my head throughout. The only thing I felt once he was born, was relief.

Your “friend” is a dick. Make your decision based on what’s best for you, and maybe distance yourself from that plank if she carries on making similar comments….

She's interfering and being stupid. The rewarding factor is the baby, how it is delivered is immaterial in the end. It's incredibly patronising to women who try to deliver and end up having emergency caesarians as well. I don't think she will understand the understandable anxiety you have about giving birth after multiple losses and past traumas but she could at least try not to be judgemental.

ALL birth is valid, ALL birth is extraordinary and ALL birth choices should be up to the mother and only the mother. However you choose to bring your baby safely into the world is the correct way.

Yes, her incompetence certainly didn't help (at one point she said, "Don't worry, we're all made differently" as if it were my fault that she couldn't fucking find the right place - I saw other members of the surgical team exchanging glances with each other, and someone went to get the consultant) but actually I think even if it had worked, I would have hated it. I don't want anyone sticking needles in my spine ever again.

I think a spinal block is even worse as it really does totally paralyse you. I was convinced I'd never walk again. And then when the feeling did come back, I had about 30 seconds of great relief, followed by the worst pain I'd ever felt as the full extent of having been sliced into suddenly revealed itself - they hadn't even given me a fucking paracetamol.

Giving birth vaginally (I was already in the pushing stage by the time I got to hospital, it was all extremely fast) was also mindblowingly, hallucinatorily painful - about 2 hours start to finish, I lost all of my waters at the start, AND she was back to back, so she had to turn inside me with no waters there, pretty much one continuous contraction from start to finish - but as soon as it was over, it was over.

I am aware that other women have much better experiences with c-secs, and much worse experiences with vaginal birth. For me personally I didn't fancy doing either of them ever again, but I'd have opted for either a vaginal birth OR a c-section under general anaesthetic if i had to.

Seriously she is no friend OP!! WTF. Caesarian is still giving birth - I had a traumatic first labour trying to give birth “naturally” and nearly died. With my second I had an elective c section because I had so much trauma and fear still. Honestly, it was the BEST experience and yes I had pain but I recovered so much quicker than my first labour. The scar is hardly visible. There are risks with any type of labour so do what is best for you. I’d honestly not ever talk to her again, she sounds a right cow.

this! She needs to hear this for sure.

I posted once already but just wanted to add that my sister’s labours were so quick she barely had time to get her tights off, whereas I had three days of failed induction followed by an undiagnosed breech c section (that baby was almost 10lbs too!)

Both our first babies were boys and both boys are about to graduate uni with the same predicted grade (albeit very different subjects) which puts our two-ends-of-the-spectrum birth stories into a longer term perspective. Pregnancy and birth are just the beginning, however the baby gets out!

Best wishes to all the women on this thread who are about to start their parenting journey, especially you @JellyBelly50 💐

I saw a thread on here not too long ago, a lady who had had 3 very straightforward textbook natural labours was upset because her 4th went pear shaped ending in instrumental delivery and a traumatised mum and baby. She said she had assumed she was ‘good’ at giving birth, but now realises how much of it is luck. She said had never known agony like the 4th labour and she had completely underestimated how painful a malpositioned baby can make it.

It was a sad read but also interesting, sort of proof that it really isn’t about ‘higher pain thresholds’ or ‘good hips’ and more about a handful of variable factors that are dictated by luck.

So perhaps the friend shouldn’t be too cocky and just grateful she was lucky to have the experience she wanted.

I'd take a scar over a badly smashed vagina with the possibility of tears, damage to my pelvic floor muscles anyday.

A very nice woman I knew was a lactation consultant whom you could call to come to your home for help if you were in difficulty.
She was lovely.
A bit of a zealot, but very nice.

We had all our children within months of each other and she was breastfeeding constantly for 8 continuous years, from one to the next.

First 3 were "straightforward" enough but her 4th was a real different child.

She had latching problems etc, very difficult.
Can't remember the details, 16 years ago.

However, she too said that she felt she was a far better advisor after her 4th, than her 3rd.

A lot more understanding and compassion for just how difficult it can be, and how frustrating.

She admitted if her 4th was her 1st, would she have persevered as she had!

I had two c sections, wasn’t planning on the first but she was a breech. I chose to have the second. I would choose to have one again if I had the chance

Do I feel like I didn’t give birth to my girls? - No they’re here aren’t they?

Do I feel like I missed out on a natural birth? - absolutely not, I was dreading giving birth naturally and can’t say feel like I missed out on that pain and potential birth injuries.

I don’t understand why people feel like a natural birth is the be all and end all. Personally I’d take the planned easier quicker option any day!

Be proud of your choice OP. Your friend sounds like a twat. I’ve said this before but if someone judges you then you have the right to judge them right back. Judge her for being a twat OP!

The thing with a planned C section is it's going to give you some control. Something you have had very little of and it can make you feel much more secure knowing you have that little bit of control.
You give birth no matter how your baby leaves your body.
C sections are bloody hard work but I had an emergency one with my first and a planned with my second and I've no regrets with the planned.
Best decision for me.

You need to do what feels right for you. Talk to your consultant about the best option. Btw.....two c sections here. Hardly any scar ❤️ good luck with the new bubba x