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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

274 replies

JellyBelly50 · 17/04/2023 08:45

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

OP posts:
niugboo · 17/04/2023 13:21

JellyBelly50 · 17/04/2023 08:53

@WimpoleHat What annoys me the most is she had a water birth, un medicated and was very proud of herself and I told her how proud I am of her wether she needed pain relief or not - that she brought her daughter into the world. I was so happy for her positive birth story and now I feel a bit upset that she’s moaned at me for my choices

She’s so far off.

I’ve had two.

unmedicated vaginal delivery.

c section.

The unmedicated vaginal delivery was a walk in the park. And that was with a back to back baby.

The c section was not great at all.

But here’s the reality, birth can be awful, not awful, it can be amazing and not. What it is is YOUR choice and YOUR experience. Her experience is utterly irrelevant to you. As is mine.

Mamapiggywig · 17/04/2023 13:22

I’ve had natural birth and c section. The recovery after the c section was awful. I was in so much pain for weeks.

Lifeomars · 17/04/2023 13:23

All that matters is that whatever type of delivery you have is that you are supported and cared for throughout. You could also point out to her that people who adopt have not given birth to their children and they love them. I worked with a couple of women who had both adopted their daughters and were devoted to them and just as bonded as those who had given birth

Mammajay · 17/04/2023 13:24

There is absolutely no way to know, in advance, which will be easier. Just focus on the joy of holding your baby. Talk to your consultant. And as you say, nature may choose for you.

Newuser82 · 17/04/2023 13:26

It's so funny that people are adamant that they are right in situations like this! Her way was the best way for her. Your way would be the best way for you. Giving birth properly! Honestly!

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 13:27

I had an elective. No medical need, just choice. Because I wanted control. It was so wonderful. So calm. So happy. And I recovered so well, and I love my little low down scar.

Your friend is all keyed about her supposedly ‘superior’ birth, and it’s bullshit. She’s being a very, very bad friend because of it. I’d tell her she hurt me with her judgement and if she doubles down, which she probably will, she sounds the type, I’d sever the friendship.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 13:28

She’s also labouring under the misapprehension that her lucky birth, is somehow her skill and superiority. She’s wrong. She just had a lucky go.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 17/04/2023 13:33

I have had a water birth and a c section, the c section (which was an emergency) was totally fine.

The horrendous internal tearing after the water birth wasn’t fab. But both are just distant memories now anyway.

Your friend a PFB twat. After a while literally no-one cares how you had your DC, how you fed your DC or when you weaned them.

As long as you have all the info to weigh up the risks and benefits, do what is right for you.

Phos · 17/04/2023 13:35

I had an emergency c section. Best thing ever, wish I'd gone for an elective straight away. No worries about tearing, hardly any pain, can't even see the scar. If we'd had a second baby, would have been an elective section hands down.

Yummymummy2020 · 17/04/2023 13:37

Honestly op for whatever reason, the topic of giving birth makes some otherwise sensible people go loopy. Whatever method of giving birth for you suits, do it. Don’t mind your friend, she is nuts. Take on board the advice of your doctors and do what’s right for you. I don’t know why some people think a section is not giving birth😂

ladycarlotta · 17/04/2023 13:40

All the answers you've received so far will have hopefully made it clear that your friend is an idiot. Please believe them! You must do what's right for you, and there are no medals or mummy points on offer for Most Gruelling Traumatic Birth. Just get your baby into the world in the way that's safest for you all.

My scheduled C-section (for breech presentation) was wonderful - the staff were warm and celebratory, I'd had a decent night's sleep, my baby arrived all in one piece and I fell in love with her immediately (not a given but there are too many variables and how you deliver guarantees nothing). Please don't be persuaded that it is in any way 'less than'.

WickedSerious · 17/04/2023 13:45

Ignore her OP,it's none of her business.

Tlittle · 17/04/2023 13:46

Yanbu. U should do what you want at the end of the day. I had one child then after infertility I had twins. I was adament that I have birth the normal way and now have bad prolapses.
Each way comes with pros and cons. X

Tlittle · 17/04/2023 13:47

Gave*

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 17/04/2023 13:48

Honestly op for whatever reason, the topic of giving birth makes some otherwise sensible people go loopy

Very true. Everything about it sends lots of people mental.

• Your pregnancy (you’re doing too much exercise, don’t you care about that baby at all? - my FIL)

• Your birth (why are you having a C-section? Don’t you at least want to try to do it like proper mothers? - my FIL)

• Feeding choices (why aren’t you breastfeeding? Why are you giving him junk? - my FIL)

• Sleeping (why have you wrapped him up like that <swaddled> he can’t move his arms and he’ll be roasting. tugs at large, soft muslin swaddling my peaceful sleeping newborn - my FIL)

• Discipline (don’t be so strict all the time, it’s boring, let him throw /smash/hit that if he wants to - my FIL)

• Playing (you’ve let him play on his own too much. He’s clearly autistic. Can you see? - my FIL) This doozy is the latest.

You get the picture. (Sorry, that was therapeutic).

Do what you want, don’t do anything because someone else has gone out of their way to make you feel shit.

Bex000 · 17/04/2023 13:49

Do what is right for you and your body and make sure you are aware of the risks of whatever method you choose.

FallopianTubeTrain · 17/04/2023 13:49

If one person comes out of another person, unless it's an exorcism, they have given birth.

Your 'friend' is a catastrophic nob.

Northtosouth · 17/04/2023 13:50

I’m also 35 weeks and have my section booked in already for similar reasons to you.
Please ignore your ‘friend’ , she doesn’t seem supportive of your choices.
However you choose to birth your baby is up to you and you don’t need to justify that to anyone.

Dicelane · 17/04/2023 13:51

Personally I've never had much criticism or comments regarding my birth options but then it's generally not information I offer to anyone. It's just best to shut down any enquiries into it in my experience, especially if you might get upset about it.

I've had one VB and 2 planned CS for medical reasons. All went smoothly with no issues and I'm happy how they all went. All have left some impact in my body, the scar is not great but I didn't tear with my VB and am glad I wasn't taking the risk of that, or any other issues with my genitals, with the CS.

Kolakalia · 17/04/2023 13:52

She's a smug dick. She was lucky, simply, if she was able to have the birth she hoped for.

In years to come the way your baby left your body will be the least of your thoughts, I promise.

I wanted an elective c section and went with vaginal, and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. It's a myth that vaginal is automatically better for your body to recover from, it is in some cases but not all. Many women birth vaginally and are left with terrible injuries and a long, painful recovery. I don't have many regrets in life but one of them is that I didn't go with my gut and have a c section.

Not planning on any more kids but if I ever had a second I'd certainly never consider birthing vaginally again. Absolutely no way. You know what's best for you OP.

Coffeeandbourbons · 17/04/2023 13:54

Oh, blah, people who fixate on stuff like this are usually very boring.

For what it’s worth both of my vaginal births have been like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan (according to DH), not at all calm and ‘natural’, lots of intervention and panicky moments.

A calm lovely CS sounds perfect as long as that’s what you want.

TheRealShatParp · 17/04/2023 13:57

Your friend is a dick hole and will continue to be about all of your choices, unless they’re identical to hers. You don’t need her in your life.

TheaBrandt · 17/04/2023 13:57

Also if she’s nobbish about this it may continue with airing “views” on weaning / sleep training / sahm / school etc. Doesn’t bode well for the friendship…

Maray1967 · 17/04/2023 14:05

I’ve done it both ways. I gave birth to both of my DC. If anyone suggested otherwise they would regret it.

You are making a sensible choice for you.

The next sensible choice is to keep your distance from her unless you are prepared to tell her that what she has said is unpleasant and she apologises. Either have it out with her or stay away from her. She might well say something that could upset you even more after baby is born. You don’t want to open yourself up to that level of unpleasantness.

Urghfedup · 17/04/2023 14:07

I was recounting my birth experience at a baby group (the first one) with massive guilt as I was made to feel like I hadn’t tried hard enough to push, baby got stuck and I ended having an forceps delivery. A lovely Afghan woman who also comes to baby group told me that most of her family and friends had experienced still birth and maternal deaths she found my guilt incredibly hard as she believes a live mum and baby is a successful birth.