Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

Ditch this ‘friend’. Imagine what she’s going to have to say when your baby is here. She’s going to have issues about how you feed them, what car seat you buy etc etc
A C section is a completely safe option. She didn’t achieve anything by having a water birth she was just lucky.

Some people are really judgy about a c-section.

Personally, I never wanted one unless I had to and was lucky not too. Caring for a brand new baby, with a wound on my stomach was not something I fancied doing.

I don’t think having a c-section is a get out clause of birth. It’s just another way of giving birth.

you birth a kid. end of

i pushed mine out, fucking hurt both times. BUT if i had a section, i would not have been sad just bloody grateful my children are alive and here

dont discuss things with your friends in future - and fwiw i have stretch marks, and a massive scar on my leg - and i wear them with pride.

It absolutely, definitely is.

I had two straightforward vaginal births with very easy recoveries - the first wasn't an entirely positive experience because of the care I received rather than anything physiological, the second was actively a positive experience.

I still think the OP's 'friend' is an absolute idiot, and an unpleasant one at that. As others have said, she is doubtless like this about other things too (feeding, baby sleep - and probably if OP thinks about it she's been judgemental in other areas of life before the baby, too). It is as you say a chosen arrogance, not an inevitability. I'm very glad that I had the births I did - I also know that I was very lucky, but also that my preferences aren't universal, not all women would want the births I had even if you could pick a straightforward vaginal birth (of course you can't) and that's more than fine!

I would really be rethinking the friendship, OP. No one is that unempathetic and narrow-minded on only one topic.

I had two sections for medical reasons. My husband's ex wife actually said to me 'oh so not real births then'! Sections are not the easy way out and the births sure felt pretty real to me!

Also thank you to those that said I need thicker skin - I think you’re correct there! I imagine motherhood especially early on is going to be full of a lot worse judgements so I need to get used to it haha

Actually I think that rather than thicker skin you just need to be more confident in stepping away from judgemental people who try and put your choices down. There are indeed lots of them, sadly, but that's no reason to grit your teeth and endure them - walking away is an option!

@JellyBelly50 hi OP. I had a c section for similar reasons. I had always wanted a vagina birth and had wanted to experience it but unfortunately the circumstances around my pregnancy meant my mental well-being suffered and I chose certainty with dates etc with a c section over a vagina birth. I didn’t tell anyone at the time as I was ashamed.

All I can say is it’s a year later and recovery wise I was FAR better than my friends/others I knew who had vagina births. Obviously nobody really knows how either will go, you could have a perfect vaginal delivery or a terrible c section recovery. But… for me, I didn’t feel much pain after 24 hours. I remember thinking shit I can’t move because it hurts too much, but that was hours afterwards and the next day I could move. It wasn’t pain free but I expect a lot less painful than vaginal birth, I certainly wasn’t in tears about it. I could walk slowly with some minimal pain after two days and 5 days later I was walking absolutely fine. There was the odd twinge and I would say it took maybe three weeks to feel normal but honestly, I have had worse experiences at the dentist! And I wouldn’t say I am massively robust pain wise.

I have a few friends who are doctors and 3 out of 5 booked in for elective c section because they wanted to plan around the day!

My friends who had vagina deliveries, none, and I mean none, are fully recovered even a year later. Two had prolapses, all had masses of stitches, one is in therapy from the trauma of it.

I felt so embarrassed at the time but now I feel proud I made the right decision for me. It’s not weak. And my vagina is fully in tact 🤭😂 I hear more and more that people elect c sections now that is an option in a way in wasnt years ago… and that’s because the reality it yes it has risks but most of the time you will go in, half an hour later the baby is there, you recover for a few days and then your body is back or normal. Both options are risky but why on earth take the emotionally risky one when you can book yourself in! Your friend sounds jealous - enjoy your lovely baby, you’re doing the best thing for you and that’s what matters.

It’s completely your choice. You make the best decision for your circumstances with your medical professionals. And honestly, if she is reacting like this to how you give birth what will she be like further down the line? Judgemental about feeding, weaning, sleeping, school choices? Will any decision you make that’s different to her be wrong in her eyes? I’d think carefully about her going forward.

No she is not right and I would tell her to f-right-off! Your reasons are valid and she had no right to speak to you like this. What is wrong with some people!

@JellyBelly50 every time I’ve written ‘vagina birth’ I obviously meant ‘vaginal birth!’

I blame my phone!

@JellyBelly50 also I want to clarify that when I say it hurt too much to move, it wasn’t agony, just uncomfortable! So it was good to stay still for the few hours afterwards. Don’t worry and certainly don’t worry about the choice you make that plenty of women do and most importantly have the right to!

The most important things here are your baby’s health and future well-being and your health and future well-being. Talk to the consultant and make whatever decision makes those two things the most advantageous.

@JellyBelly50 also, last post I promise (!), but my scar is so tiny. I wore a bikini last weekend and you can’t see it as it’s so low and even when fully naked it’s discreet. She is NOT being supportive, people like to ensure others have had to endure what they have, happens in all sorts of contexts. Right, I’ll leave the thread now! 😂

It is totally your call, it sounds as though you are making the choice that is right for you and your family. Stand by your decision and tell your waterbirth friend to keep her opinions and lifestyle choices to herself.

Don't discuss birth choices with friends! And if friends discuss theirs with yours just smile and say, that sounds great, can't wait to meet baby. It's no one else's business.

That said (literally skip this bit if you don't want more unsolicited advice, I am just saying this because we're on the topic): I was like you, very afriad and nervous for reasons I now find hard to really imagine. For me it boiled down to fear of the unknown. I did lots of research and read lots of positive birth stories, as well as bein prepared for stressful eventualities, and it did make me feel much better. You might find that there are aspects of a C section which might also be stressful, and so it's worth researching and being prepared for.

The main lesson I took away from my research was that (after you and baby's health and safety, of course) what makes a "good birth" is how you experience it, how you feel during it and about it. If a C section is what will make you feel happy bringing your child into the world, then that's what a good birth looks like to you. End of story.

You definitely need to talk to a professional as it might not be the easier choice, it’s a major surgery as others have said and a vagina birth I’m sure is safer (I’m sure someone will quickly correct me if I’m wrong). People will judge you for effectively choosing a C section, that will happen. As long as you’re confident in your choice then ignore. They won’t let you choose one if they don’t think it’s appropriate. It’s certainly not an easy option, I was home eating pizza 3hrs after my last birth with not even a stitch. My friend took weeks to recover from her elected section. It certainly wasn’t an easy option for her

People can be idiots. A c-section is a proper birth whatever anyone says - the important thing is bringing the baby into the world in the safest way for you and for them. I would say think carefully about this decision and talk it through with your consultant as c-sections are major surgery and there is lots of evidence that vaginally births do provide benefits for the baby over c-sections (e.g. stronger immune systems, milk usually coming in easier etc). But if you talk it through with your consultant and you decide it is the right thing for you then that's all that matters. I think some people like to show off about how 'brave' they were which is probably in a way bravado to convince themselves they made the right choice. That said natural birth (whether medicated or not) can be amazing and give you such a high that your body achieved all that. But equally many women have long, traumatic births and given the choice to go back would have opted for a c-section. You just have to make the best choice for you and the baby, and ignore any 'helpful' advice from the naysayers.

This is the second thread today where people have talked about their so called "Friends" @JellyBelly50 your body your choice. Maybe she secretly regrets her choice and can't say. A planned elective C-section is a wonderful experience. I'm so happy for you that you get to hold your baby soon 💗.

Your friend is an idiot, casting herself as an expert after one experience. Ignore her!

I understand you're upset and annoyed, but a caesarean is absolutely not the easy option. You'll take much longer to recover, you can't drive for ages, and you jeopardise the chance to ever give birth naturally next time around. Read up on it at least.

Giving birth is a personal experience. It literally is doing what feels right for you. Ultimately it doesn't matter to anyone else how you gave birth and it's not a competition. There's no prizes or medals for how anyone gave birth and TBH a friend shouldn't make it into a competition.

Just my personal experience: I've had 3CSs (one EMCS, 2 ELCS) and all have been great experiences. I wasn't in pain, I didn't have any complications, I don't have a huge scar. I have a barely there pink line low down in the bikini area. My recovery was excellent, the 3rd one I left hospital next day, walked back to the car etc. I have friends who have home-birthed, water birthed and had CSs too and all of us respected each other's choices, because that's what friends do.

If she starts criticising you again about it just say ‘awww, I’m sorry you feel that way’. It’s a really irritating and passive-aggressive response to people who are annoying you cos it hands their silly opinions back to them on a plate 😉

I regret not having a c section. If I could do it all over again I'd be asking for one at my very first appointment.

It doesn’t make any difference to whether it’s a real birth imo.
Having said that, I gave birth naturally twice and recovered really easily, I then had a surgery which is the same cut as a c-section and the recovery was fucking horrendous, and I cannot imagine combining that with having a tiny baby.

Of course you will still be giving birth! So unkind and unhelpful from your “friend”. One of the saddest and most frustrating things about pregnancy for me was how so much projection, criticism and scaremongering came from other mothers!