Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

I had diagnosed tokophobia but felt relieved when my baby was a fooing breech so I could tell people I had to have a c section (it was decided I should have one anyway due to my stress levels). Any way your baby leaves your body is giving birth. People who give birth vaginally has post birth issues too. Ignore her.

It doesn’t matter how you give birth . I had three vaginal births and I am no more a mother than my friends who had c-sections. You will be a mum, that’s all that matters. I can honestly tell you that your child won’t care how they were born. It’s the same with breast vs bottle, I’ve done both exclusively and they are now all grown healthy adults. It has no impact on their lives at all. How significant is it to you, how you were born, does it have any impact on your life? We are lucky we live in an era where c-sections are an option. You do birth your way, it’s all good. The right way to give birth for you…is YOUR way. Congratulations

But op. A Csection is not the easiest way out. It can leave you both physically and mentally scared. It can leave you unable to pick up your baby for a long time. Ruin your abdomen. Leave you with a huge scar and send you to a mental facility for having PND.

A c section will leave you will a scar.

It is not guaranteed to leave you any more or less "mentslly scarred (?)" than a vaginal birth.

It doesn't necessarily leave you unable to pick up your baby for a long time. With painkillers you can pick them up carefully immediately. It heals to a reasonable degree with two weeks.

Ruin your abdomen.... not sure exactly what that refers to, but some vaginal births ruin women's pelvic floor and everything in that area.

It's not a huge scar usually.

Send you to a mental facility for pnd. Plenty of women who have vaginal births get pnd. It's more about factors like sleep deprivation etc.

And some vaginal births are so traumatic women get PTSD and pnd. So .....

Kind of an irresponsible post there, with a lot of hyperbole.

I’m sorry she made you feel like that. Although there are some advantages to vaginal - caesareans are the least risky for a mum to deliver. If I was going to have a non healing wound - I’d much rather that was my abdomen than my perineum!
People forget the risks of a vaginal birth - not just in terms of tears/ continence but also in terms of birth trauma for those who it isn’t straightforward for.
In short, ignore your friend and to be honest I’d struggle with not telling her how insensitive and thoughtless those comments were.

She is being to ridiculously insensitive, judgemental, rude and ignorant. I am sorry you had to hear that from someone who is close to you. Make sure you understand a all the implications of the options being presented to you, including a asking your medical team questions and reading up from official sources (e.g. NICE guidance) and be confident in whatever decision you make.

i did have a home water both cause it was right for me, which made it right for my baby. That definitely doesn’t make it the right choice for everyone. You are important and no one should be judging you for your medical decisions.

I had a similar "easy" natural birth first time and an elective c-section second time (for medical reasons). Both births, different obviously but the net result is a healthy baby. That's the most important thing. Keep that in your head.

What I would say is that although a c-section takes away a lot of the worry / pain / responsibility for the actual birthing process and hands it to the consultant - the recovery is down to you either way and I found recovering from surgery much worse than I anticipated and much slower and more painful than my vaginal birth. Given the free choice, I'd pick a VB every time.

@ItsThePlayBusDingDing all this. But women seem way worse for it, than men do

If she’s so super happy and secure in what she did then why is she so judgey and rude about yours? Use of the word “properly” is especially cringe inducing in my eyes

I had a c section 2 weeks ago ago and don’t have a “huge” scar. Recovery isn’t a bundle of laughs but it often isn’t with a vaginal birth 🤷‍♀️

Your friend sounds tactless as hell. She had a great vaginal birth - good for her - but that doesn’t mean the next person will. Speaking as someone who tried for a vaginal birth, was in labour for 3 days with no sleep, got to 9cm & then ended up with an emergent c-section under general anaesthetic and was very ill afterwards, I’d opt for an elective c-section every time. Good luck & well done for pushing for what’s right for you (no pun intended).

I had a C-section due to breach baby. Then a few years later had a vaginal birth. The pain and recovery after birth 2 was awful.

Let her think what she wants, it’s your baby and your body. Do what is right for you

As others have said, it’s worth weighing up the pros and cons of both options. If certainty matters to you and the “known”, an ELCS may well be the best choice for you.

What’s really important is to avoid getting stuck on there only being one way to give birth because if things don’t go to plan, that’s a sure-fire way to suffer mentally afterwards. For example, if you’re set on a water birth but end up with forceps or an emergency section. I speak as someone who drank all the NCT messaging about right and wrong options, aimed for a water birth but ended up with a failed induction and emergency section. I chose an elective second time round and that was absolutely the right option for me.

Good luck, whatever you decide. And ignore your “friend”. Some people are very militant on this.🙄

I don't understand some people's obsession about the scar. Mine is so low down that nobody will ever see it! It does also fade over time. It's just a very strange thing to focus on in my opinion.
I had an emergency c section before labour and I consider myself 'lucky' I didn't have to go through the natural birthing process. If I were to have another I would 100% pick an elective over the unknown.
I will be completely honest that I don't consider myself to have 'given birth properly' (I would never say this to anyone else irl) but I'm actually very grateful for that as there is nothing appealing about giving birth to me anyway.

I had a traumatic, prolonged, dangerous vaginal birth, with huge infections afterwards. And one calm, trouble free elective c-section (it was medically necessary but I had already said I wanted it anyway). Pretty fucking sure I 'gave birth' both times. The c-section was by far and away a better experience and allowed me to bond with DC far, far more straight after. Friend can get to fuck.

Good grief! All that matters is that you and the baby are happy and healthy. My DSs were vaginal deliveries so I’ve no skin in the game but however the baby arrives you have given birth and don’t let any idiot tell you otherwise! Good luck with it all.

@JellyBelly50 You are absolutely entitled to your choice. Just because your friend has a view about birth, it shouldn’t impact on yours. Neither should she give opinions like this. Everyone is different. Do exactly what’s best for you. I’m afraid women get so wedded to their own choices they fail to see the valid views of others. They almost become evangelistic about it! Therefore she wasn’t supportive. Try and talk to others who are. I know exactly what you mean. Keep her at arms length for a bit and keep supportive people closer to you.

@SparklyBlackKitten But op. A Csection is not the easiest way out. It can leave you both physically and mentally scared. It can leave you unable to pick up your baby for a long time. Ruin your abdomen. Leave you with a huge scar and send you to a mental facility for having PND.

Interesting that you needed to imply these are risks of a C section when everything on your list is equally as likely with a vaginal birth.

Further proof that becoming a parent doesn’t make you empathic.

When we discuss c sections we refer to ‘elective’ sections as those that occur before labour has started (and so there is some flexibility around when they occur from a theatre booking perspective) and ‘emergency’ sections as those that occur after the onset of labour (meaning that there is urgency as the baby is already coming, so theatre time is not flexible). The majority of elective sections are for medical reasons, including maternal mental health.

It is also reasonable for any woman to choose how she gives birth for any reason. Choice extends to choice around delivery.

At any moment your friend’s birth could have become a c-section and she would not have ‘missed out’ on anything except the foetal or maternal deaths that occur in communities without the ready access to medical support that she dismisses and yet would tear her arm off to get if she needed it.

Was a baby born? Yes - therefore there was a birth.

Ignore the cowbag.

What utter nonsense. Of course a c section I'd giving birth. If she had needed an emergency one I'm sure she'd have classed it as birth. It is harder in some ways but I had an elected section 4 months ago and it was a brilliant experience. I was very nervous of the unpredictability of vaginal delivery and felt much calmer about a section. I was still nervous but it was exactly the calm entry into the world I wanted for my wee one. My scar did get infected, I didn't let air at it enough but it still healed really well and it is very fine and faint. I'm delighted with how neat it is. The recovery can be tough, but I took it as an excuse to snuggle up with new baby for a fortnight and just rest and recover. Honestly the only part of the whole exactly that I hated was the clexane injection for the week after but I'm extremely squeamish about needles. Ignore your friend, if she keeps saying that type of comment I'd shut her down by saying well what was right for you is not right for me, it was more importantly to me that baby arrived safely than anything else or opinions are like willies- fine to have one but best kept to yourself unless it's asked for.

This is just the beginning of people questioning your choices over pretty much everything. Birth to how you feed the baby; to what nappies you use; to when you and how you wean; to what schools you choose etc.

Practice saying things like 'This is a topic that is between my consultant and I only' or 'I am happy with the choices I made' 'This is not a topic that is up for debate, thank you' to 'Everyone does things in the way that suits them best' to 'none of your fucking business'.

Your birth choices are sod all to do with anyone else. Sod all.

You do what you and your consultant think is best for you. End of.

Hope all goes well whatever you decide.

C section is birth It's just quite different.

I've experienced both. I'd say for decades after both, hands down I'd choose C section over my experience of natural births.

But now I have more experience of how the body processes pain I think if I could go back and do it again naturally I would try.

I used to think that the 'do it naturally' mums were misinformed. I really believed that.

Now I know how important the primeval part of the brain is in birth. The set up in hospital generally didn't allow for this back then. I don't know if it's different today.

You need very low light, warmth, security, reassurance and quiet, To be able to move and rock rhythmically should you need. This means the body can react to pain properly.
You can make endorphins in big quantities. Then you plateau for a time. Then build again with more endorphins kicking in. But if this is disturbed by loud noise, bright lights or being asked questions, and you have to come back from that state quickly the endorphin release is interrupted.

A friend of mine who had a similar poor experience with a first baby took a different route to my C section. She employed a competent midwife and had all her subsequent babies at home. Husband and birth partner present, in a warm dark room, feeling reassured. All her other babies were delivered easily at home with her up and functioning within hours.

There is nothing wrong with either way of giving birth. My personal recovery was so much easier with my C section, but my birthing of my first wasn't a good experience.

C section (child 3) was a much shorter recovery time than my two VB’s.
VB’s also left me with life-long injuries.

Have the section.
Ignore your ‘friend’

What an unhelpful comment your friend made. I had an elective c for my breech baby and thank my lucky stars every day that I did; the scar is barely visible, we bonded fine, all is well.

The thing is people always compare a straightforward c section with a bad or unpredictable VB. In reality that's not a fair comparison because both can go wrong.

So all you can do is learn about it all and make your own decision. I'd say it's a shame to let fear dictate your choices about something so important. It is your choice though!

Op, this is just the first of an infinite number of decisions that you must make as a parent.

You do your research, then you decide what's best for you and your unique family situation. Then you have faith in your decision while respecting others and their reasons.

With respect, you need to toughen up right now and not let these kinds of comments have you doubting yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your choice as long as you are happy with it.