Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

shes mistaking blind luck for some kind of conscious choice and skill in how her labour and birth panned out.
after my first baby was stillborn my subsequent births were by c section and were amazing positive experiences.

OP I have had 3 babies. 2 VBAC births and last one an elective C section as baby was breech. The recovery from my second VBAC birth was far harder as I had a lot of stitches. I do have a C section scar which annoys me as my tummy is no longer totally flat which it was till then but my babies are all here and ok so that's what matters. Nobody has the right to tell you how to give birth. If you and your consultant agree a c section is best thats what matters.

Ha ha ha "baggy fanny", this madey day.

And where are my manners? Hope the next weeks go well and all the very best for you and baby. I remember the later weeks of pregnancy being so difficult.

Also just to add i agree on the point about developing a thicker skin, you will find parenting is all about other people judging you. 'Oh your child isn't sleeping through the night yet?' 'Mine was walking 6 months ago'. 'My child can say 500 words now she's turned 9 months, maybe try talking to him more?' etc. My advice is not to talk about any milestones or things like birth plans with people until you know they are sensible and you can be honest. I have a couple of close friends with kids the same age I can be honest with about the challenges of parenting, other people I find will either just lie to your face about how perfect their child is as said angel is hitting another child in the face in the background or will be very judgemental.

As someone who had a crash c-section, I would unequivocally tell her to fuck off. Cheeky bitch, she is not a friend.

I’ve seen three obgyn in the course of having my kids, all women, all have had kids. I asked each of them how they gave birth and they all had c sections. So 5 births, all sections. It’s a small pool but they were all involved in my maternity care so it felt significant to me.

YANBU and your friend is being vvv unreasonable. Each birth is different for everyone and she get get to hell with her comments

next time just shut her down, tell her you are doing what’s best for you and baby, with consultants agreement and if she can’t support you she needs to leave

and if she carries on dump her, you need people who are prepared to support in your life

Whatever way a baby is delivered is a 'birth'

I hope your friend is just tactless rather than nasty.

Your consultant will be best placed to advise you and you need to be in the best place mentally you can.

Ignore the silly cow.

Good luck - I hope all goes well for you

Oh jeeze. This woman is not going to be a friend to you for the foreseeable future. If she's judging you on this, she'll be judging you on every decision you make with your baby's care, too.

Jeeze, I hate smug mothers. My best friend (who gave birth both times with as little hassle as shelling peas) frequently said that she couldn't understand what other women made such a fuss about. Fortunately she went back to work at the point when I had my babies, so we didn't see that much of each other.

I couldn’t care less about the ‘real birth’ or not reputation of c sections (I’ve had two, one emergency, one planned) but the recovery was pretty awful and I’m still numb from scar to belly button ten years later.

However, if a c section is what you need to get through, it’s no one’s business but yours and your consultants!

They are not good friends.

Both CS and vaginal birth can pros and cons and can be straightforward or have complications. You can't predict what will happen and you might go for a vaginal birth and need a CS anyway.

Your 'friend' may have had a straightforward water birth, next time she might go for vaginal birth and wind up having a c section or a more complex delivery with forceps etc. She sounds smug, she was lucky to have a nice water birth but it wasn't a guaranteed outcome.

I've had a CS and a vaginal delivery. Pros and cons to both. I've got scars from both but tbh the CS scar has caused less trouble than the episiotomy scar, but neither have troubled me that much. The main thing is to get the baby out safely. There is no one way of birthing that suits everyone, if there was then we'd all do it the same way! People, bodies and babies differ.

I think in new motherhood sometimes everyone is tired and sensitive and mothers can say crass and insensitive things around topics like sleep/feeding/birth etc - but even with that caveat this woman doesn't sound supportive. When choosing friends, think - does this person make me feel accepted and supported, do I enjoy being around them? If not then it's not someone you want to be friends with. Early days with a new baby are tough, you don't want someone like this around telling you you're doing it all wrong.

Thank you! Just wanted to make sure people didn’t think I thought of a c section as the easy choice. It is more the having an end date in mind with the c section and knowing I won’t go over due (fear of loss is extreme - I am already having counselling with mental health midwife team and I have been off work for 10 weeks on sick leave with MH)

I do not think either option is an easy ride - I know there are risks with c sections (as there are with vaginal). Whilst I understand that with elective c’s there are still chances of things going wrong I would feel more in control especially with having a date. So just don’t want anyone on this thread to think I’m implying c section is easy choice which is why I’m choosing it x

I'd be tempted to make some jokes to her about her post-birth 'plumbing', if it wasn't sexist. She sounds awful.

A c-section is not a lesser choice.

Women can be such dicks to each other!
Just see the comments on this thread about “massive scars”, “intact vagina” and omg what age are you PP “baggy fanny”

She sounds very annoying and boring. The objective is to get the baby out safe in a way the mother is happy with. You don’t get a medal for doing it in a certain way. How is it rewarding because in her way you experience pain?

Congratulations and I hope all goes well with the birth! My experience of c section was very positive and I have another booked in for two weeks.

My ‘natural’ birth was far more painful and difficult to recover from than my C-section. Make the best decision for you and your baby. Do not pay any attention to what anyone says. If it’s any consolation nobody even asks how your kids were born when they get older. Best of luck.

Do what YOU are comfortable with (as long as it is medically safe, obviously).

If you are worried about scarring, don't be. I had a section and my scar is lovely - very neat - and mine was an emergency one. An elective gives the surgeon even more time to provide a good cosmetic result, and having worked with surgeons in the past I know that they do their best to do this wherever possible.

In the early days of caesarians, the preferred cut was a vertical one separating the two sets of stomach muscles, and then a horizontal one into the womb. Nowadays they use a transverse cut just above the pubis, which is smaller, neater and gets covered with pubic hair most of the time anyway. It also has the advantage of leaving the stomach muscles nice and string, which was why it came to be preferred.

Personally, I can think of few things less enticing and more revolting than a water birth, with faeces, blood, amniotic fluid etc floating around in the pool.

But that's just me - each to their own.

I had a natural birth the second time, and TBH wished I'd had another section, because I suffered severe haemorrhaging and ended up in hospital again; and again; and again. By that time I was almost begging them to whip my uterus out!

@JellyBelly50 I’ve done both births. A water birth turned emergency dash to theatre when baby got stuck and a brutal forceps delivery. Just avoided emergency c section.
I chose elective c section for next birth.
It worked for me. Got baby out quickly and safely and that’s the point, right?
However, you choose to do it, based on experiences, mental health or preference, getting baby and you a birth that works all round is key.
if I have a third I’ll do elective again.
scar is also tiny!

People who make out that CS is an easy choice are morons.

Being cut open and sewn up while awake, then recovering from major surgery at the same time as learning to care for a newborn and dealing with all the postnatal hormones etc - sure, sounds like a tea party with jam and scones to me!

You don't need to rank vaginal birth or c-section in terms of merit, effort, horror etc - they're both forms of birth that have pros and cons, birthing a child is challenging and wonderful however you do it.

There's less pushing involved with CS, I'll give them that. It doesn't make it 'easy'. People who've only given birth vaginally don't know the other side of the coin, they just know CS means you don't go through what they went through.

I’ve given birth both ways, spontaneous labour at 39 weeks, induced delivery at 38 weeks and a c section (planned due to health issues) at 37 weeks. I still gave birth to all 3 of my children! With my last (and final pregnancy) I struggled a lot with health issues (pre eclampsia and iugr) and felt very unwell mentally at the toll it was taking a c section was 100% the correct option for me don’t let anyone tell you differently if you want a c section that is your choice and your right to ask! Ignore your friend she isn’t you only you know how your feeling. Hugs 💐

I don't think giving birth unmedicated is something to be proud of or ashamed of, it just is. The important thing is being a loving and positive parent, not someone who happens not to feel pain strongly or is good at bearing pain. How you give birth doesn't matter: I've had an epidural and ventouse and a natural birth. Neither is more special and in fact the epidural was less stressful.
If I'd needed/wanted an ELCS I would have had that.

You're right some people are competitive parents and you may have to get used to that but you'll also meet lovely mum friends. Your current friend doesn't sound very supportive or particularly nice.

Agree with PP that your friend is mistaking good fortune for some kind of skill or achievement on her part. She had a water birth with no pain relief because she was lucky enough to be able to do that. I’ve had 3 sections because I was unlucky and my babies don’t like to be in the right position / my body is good at growing babies but not so good at expelling them. The scar is nothing, even after three. The wee hang-over bit on my belly is not the best but I was never going to be one of those who looked the same pre-pregnancy anyway I don’t think. And I’ve got no issues ‘down there’ which a lot of people who have had vaginal births do. So, swings and roundabouts really. There’s no way to come out of it totally unscathed! 😂
I’m not sure I, personally, normally use the term ‘gave birth’ to be fair because to me that does imply natural delivery but my children were definitely born! Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to be running around making so much bloody noise all the time.

She's talking out of her arse. You ARE going to give birth to a child; by c-section. It was good enough for Mrs Caesar, her baby son grew up to be strong and powerful.

"she feels so bad " !!!!! what the lying hypocrite is trying to do is make you feel bad .

Offer her a punch in the mouth so she knows what "feeling bad " really means.

Honestly, she sounds like a cunt. Your decision. You’ve grown a baby from scratch and managed all of the issues that come with that, nobody has the right to try to take that incredible achievement away from you. It’s a personal choice that has nothing to do with her.

It also suggests she’s going to be one of those “friends” who will always undermine you and tell you how great her kids are and how any decision that differs from her is wrong. You don’t need that in your life. I have one of these and I grey rock or tell her to fuck off. I know with her it comes from insecurity so I can go with it, but if you think that her being like this will be an issue for you I would be backing away from her now. She won’t be a supportive friend.

On the decision itself, there is no right or wrong. I’ve never got that far with a pregnancy but I know I would do the same as you if I did, for similar reasons. My wife had an elective c-section supported by doctors for similar reasons. No issues at all. She was home in two days, fully recovered quickly. No regrets at all.