Angry with best friend over comment about my birth choices

[JellyBelly50]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. Due to previous losses, mental health issues that have resulted in me getting extra help during my pregnancy I am seeing a consultant at the end of the week to discuss the possibility of a elective c section at 39-40 weeks.

I will say honestly there is no medical reason, other than the fact I am just not coping at all and feel like this choice will be better for me. Baby could come early before c section date anyway.

I spoke to a couple of new mum friends about my choice - close best friends last night at dinner and one told me she feels so bad I won’t give birth to my child and I’ve taken the rewarding factor away. Told me all these bad things about c section (she’s only given birth vaginally, water birth a few months ago) basically telling me one of her friends has a in her words “HUGE scar - such a shame she didn’t get to give birth properly like I did at my water birth, you don’t want that”

Now I am not only upset that I thought I could tell me, but now am worrying about my choice.

AIBU to consider the elective c? Is she right?

https://www.verywellfamily.com/planned-c-section-deemed-safe-for-low-risk-pregnancies-5185540

There you go OP. i had an elective c-section, recovery was good and I’m not traumatised. Baby was fine, healthy and happy. I know women deeply traumatised by vaginal birth and the resultant injuries. It informed by decision to have a c-section.

I haven’t been in a mental facility with PND, I picked my baby up and my scar is barely noticeable. 🙄

If a c section is best for you then go for it. All that really matters in the end is that you come out healthy and well and with a healthy and well baby.
As you walk down the street you can not tell which people were born by c-section or not, which were breastfed or not, which were sleep trained or not. It doesn't matter in the end. Do what's best for you and your family.

Not a nice friend. I did water birth but certainly don’t consider myself superior to my best friend who had a planned c section. I hated breast feeding and stopped after a few weeks, it was hell for me. My friend breastfed happily for months and months. We are all different. We are all doing our best.

Go ahead with your c section, you have perfectly valid reasons. Best of luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Maybe don’t see this ‘friend’ for a few months if she is so judgemental and unsupportive.

Ignore her.
A niece of mine (who eventually had a necessary C section for her first) once said, ‘Well, I’ve done it both ways and they’re both crap.’

If your friend had a relatively easy water birth first time, she was just lucky. As they say, labour is only ever ‘normal’ in hindsight.

Ohmigod she sounds like an absolute twat and I have had two home births.

How she chooses to have a watermelon leave her body should not entitle her to judge how anyone else chooses to do it.

Fucking sanctimonious arsehole.

I had an emergency c-section and I did struggle with feeling like I hadn’t actually given birth and my baby had just appeared (I had no labour or contractions either) but I am definitely going to have another c-section when I have another child as my recovery wasn’t too bad and I could walk around without pain after about 5 days and I don’t think I could actually push a baby out of me 🤷‍♀️😂
I love my scar though. Probably an unpopular opinion but I love being able to see where my little one came out 🥰

Any woman who berates another woman on the brink of giving birth is no friend.
Best of luck OP.

To be honest I'd take this as a sign to cut her out of my life.

This won't end here. She will belittle and criticise all of your parenting choices and you really don't need that in your life when you are enjoying your first baby.

She's a twat. I absolutely loved my elective section, was night and day from my emergency one. I was back driving 10 days PP, absolutely no issues, felt better and more mobile than I had in the last two months of pregnancy! The rewarding part is, you know, getting an actual baby at the end of it, not whatever method they came out.

Giving birth is a crapshoot. There's no way of knowing if you'll have a dream water birth or end up with third degree tears and fecal incontinence. You just have to weigh up the risks with each method and decide what's right for you.

I'm sure that the posters telling you to "grow a thicker skin" must have missed the part of your OP where you mentioned previous losses and MH issues. I am so sorry that your 'friend', rather than accounting for these factors, thought it was an opportune moment to wax lyrical about her own birth and express sympathy for you rather than be supportive. You might expect to need to steel yourself from comments from HCPs or strangers, but your friends who know your history? YANBU to expect them to moderate their comments.

I can only imagine she is in that first few months post partum where the birth remains a Big Deal and you're wondering if you could legitimately reference it on your CV. Two months after my EMCS one of my best friends had a very similar drug free water birth with her DS. I was pleased for her but also jealous, I felt like her body had managed it but mine hadn't. Three years later we've literally not discussed our births again and she has never, ever compared the two or judged me for going for an ELCS with this pregnancy- because she is not a knob. Any negative feelings I had from my first CS dissipated within about six months when my heart caught up with my brain and I properly realised it's a such a minute part of being a mother.

There is no doubt that giving birth is an achievement, and if you're proud of yourself for doing it au naturel crack on. But to acknowledge that there isn't a huge element of good luck in the process is naïve at best.

Is her baby very small? Hopefully she will get a grip once baby is older and realise what a muppet she was being proud of her birth. Giving birth vaginally or section is still giving birth. Both are hard each in their own ways.
Vaginal births here, 2 with no intervention and 1 with water. I can tell you they weren't magical, it was still the same pushing and breathing and agony getting them out and I was exhausted at the end and glad it was over

Gosh. The concept of female bodily autonomy must have really passed her by. Does she also regard herself as an expert on other women's medical issues?

OP you are right that there is so much judgement and competition about birth, then feeding, inoculations, etc etc. Welcome to motherhood! Friends should be a bit more tactful, though. We all have subjects that we are touchy about and yet others still wade in with their size nines. You'd think by the time we reach adulthood we'd have learnt tact, but nope.
I have a health condition that people love to give opinions on. I don't waste my breath anymore except to say that my doctor told me to carry on as I am.

We live now in an extremely judgemental society. You either accept that other people's are just that - opinions. Or you let them effect you.

Do you think this is the best decision for you? - the answer is yes.

Would you make a decision that is not best for you to make someone else feel better or have a different opinion about you? - it's up to you what you think

Any choice you make, someone will disagree with. MN demonstrates that on the daily!

You either do what is best for you and realise not everyone will feel the same and be prepared to live with that knowledge. Or spend your life being upset that other people have different experiences that make them feel and do, differently to you and it just makes you all human beings with differences and not someone intentionally wanting you to feel shit or do differently.

Birth like pregnancy is a means to an end. As long as the baby is healthy and the mum is healthy after the birth then it is a success and frankly water birth or csection no one should judge.

Thank you so much for all the kind comments, advice and your own stories!

After a tough journey of losing our babies previously (both first trimester losses - no late into pregnancy), counselling, yoga, basically anything I could do to help my anxiety I do truly think an elective c is best decision for me. (I also know he could make an appearance before hand especially if they give me a date around due date)

My friend has been supportive after my losses but sometimes can be judgemental. I think giving birth to her daughter she has become worse, whilst I do understand she probably thinks she is just giving advice she definitely thinks it’s her way or the other person “did it wrong”

Also thank you to those that said I need thicker skin - I think you’re correct there! I imagine motherhood especially early on is going to be full of a lot worse judgements so I need to get used to it haha

Hmmmm totally your choice. It wouldn't be mine especially with a first and no medical reasons because the recovery and not being able to walk carry stuff for weeks isn't great. Seen it with my sister and cousin both had no choice about a c section and hate that they had one as recovery was crap for them. Good luck tho you really haven't got long to go 😀

This is meant kindly - start to own your own version of motherhood. Do it your way!

I was in labour for 3 days ending in a C section as it absolutely was not going to happen vaginally. Part of the reason I kept going was being I felt that was the 'right' way to give birth. I wish I'd called time a lot sooner, but hindsight does that!

Your birth your choice.

Oh and you'll get comments and unsolicited opinions on everything - quite often by people who have had unsolicited advice from others and are overly defensive

Next will be if you breastfeed/not and a range of other things...

I had comments for combi feeding instead of EBF (if he will take breast why would you ever use a bottle?!) - I had to start returning to work from when he was 4.5 months due to money, knowing he would happily take a bottle was planned from the start, and was my choice!

Also comments for not using cot bumpers, for using a Moses basket not a 'next to me', for moving to own room before 6 months when there was zero room/option to do otherwise

Bat them all off, it's just someone hearing you do something different to them, and justifying their own insecurities to you

And try to never do it yourself! I always appreciated the people who said 'oh that's good, I did X but I always thought about doing Y and I can see why you are' - but they are Rare!!

This.

Your 'friend' is ignorant and tactless. Does she have form?

So many people are unable to empathise and judge away until............ they experience something similar and then it's all about THEM.

So if this vaginal birth frenemy has issues with her next pregnancy and ends up with an emergency C-section or needing a planned one, it will be all about how amazing she and her baby are hashtag blessed etc. etc.

What a vacuous woman she is. Cut her loose and don't look back.

It really is no one elses buisness.

That's the beauty of choice.

I had a water birth with my first, a home birth with my second and if I had a third I would definitely opt for a planned c-section for various reasons all linked to the health and wellbeing of me and any future baby. Your friend is being a dick. Tell her to wind her neck in, do what you need to do and do not feel guilty.

I had a vaginal delivery with DD1 and an elective section for DD2. DD1's birth was traumatic (for me), long, hideously painful, psychologically scarring and the physical recovery took a long time.

DD2's birth was wonderful. Lovely calm atmosphere, our choice of music playing, super quick incision and extraction of DD2, stitched up quickly, and the recovery (for me) was far easier than my vaginal birth. I barely needed any painkillers, scar was tiny and I was up walking seven miles (up a large hill) with the family when DD2 was 10 days old.

I appreciate that my experience doesn't mean this is the case for everyone. But I honestly found an elective section to be wonderful. I had also had a number of losses between DD1 and DD2 and my anxiety about anything happening to my baby during labour was through the roof, so I asked for an elective section very early on, got one with no problems and had such a positive experience.

Please ignore anyone that wants to judge you. Do what's right for you.

Welcome to the world of mothers, where every single choice you make is judged and criticised.

She’s just trying to bully you into validating her own choices. Not something a friend would do. I’ve heard nothing but good things about elective sections so if that’s what you feel is right for you, then go for it and ignore anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it.

@JellyBelly50
I really think you must try and do what’s best for you. When you have a baby, instinct kicks in! You might also consider an epidural if you want to be conscious for the birth! There’s a lot to be said for being pain free and calm. I wish you all the luck!