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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most blended family situations are unhappy

586 replies

Nimbostratus100 · 17/04/2023 08:30

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

OP posts:
emily01bristol · 17/04/2023 20:51

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/04/2023 08:47

I think the quality of parents and parenting are what makes a family good or otherwise and being a shite parent is not remotely exclusive to people who are step parents or have a new partner.

This!

I grew up in a blended family and love everyone in it. I had the happiest childhood. I now live with my son (nearly all the time), my husband who is his step dad and my step daughter (50% of the time). Our children were genuinely delighted when we got engaged and beamed throughout our wedding. They ask to make each step parent cards for mothers/Father’s Day. I don’t believe we’re deluded with sad children! I know lots of similarly happy blended families (as a result of getting involved with a single parent support network when I was a single parent - happily many of my fellow single parents are now in blended families.) I also know a couple where it hasn’t worked so well - in the same way some non- blended families in my friendship group aren’t as happy.

My step dad has brought my mum such happiness - I’d have hated to think of her missing out on that in some mid guided view that I couldn’t be happy in a blended family. She gave me the most incredible example of love and what family really means.

rewilded · 17/04/2023 20:54

@Eggpie Thank you for your post. We really need to address this as a society.

We have gone from being Citizens to Consumers of society and our children are suffering.

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:54

@jenandberrys For some people, yes they will be very selfish and not consider the children in their decision making but others consider the children at every turn and make sure they are happy and enjoy having the stepparent around. In the end, it could even benefit them.

jenandberrys · 17/04/2023 20:56

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:54

@jenandberrys For some people, yes they will be very selfish and not consider the children in their decision making but others consider the children at every turn and make sure they are happy and enjoy having the stepparent around. In the end, it could even benefit them.

Well we will have to agree to disagree as I don’t see it that way at all.

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:58

@jenandberrys We are all different and all make different choices that we deem good for our children. Theres no right or wrong way (unless abuse is involved of course).

I truly don't believe women or men, whose relationship has broken down for whatever reason, or whose partner has died, should have to live a life alone if they don't want to. I don't believe they should be called selfish for their decisions either.

jenandberrys · 17/04/2023 21:01

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:58

@jenandberrys We are all different and all make different choices that we deem good for our children. Theres no right or wrong way (unless abuse is involved of course).

I truly don't believe women or men, whose relationship has broken down for whatever reason, or whose partner has died, should have to live a life alone if they don't want to. I don't believe they should be called selfish for their decisions either.

Well I don’t believe those things either so we do agree on some things! I just don’t believe having children with multiple partners is good for the children nor is moving strange adults or children into your home or moving into theirs is a good idea. By all means have a relationship, but don’t force your children to be involved in it.

TheRealShatParp · 17/04/2023 21:03

This thread makes me feel sad. I think the reality is that there is a larger proportion of unhappy children in blended families.

I don’t have any first hand experience of blended families. I am married, but if my husband and I did divorce I just can’t see myself wanting a step parent for DC. I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t, but it would take a lot.

I had some friends from blended families growing up, and in all honestly the families seemed disjointed and the kids did seem to be sidelined. At least that’s how they felt anyway. A parents perspective of their blended family is a whole lot different to the children’s perspective.

GabriellaMontez · 17/04/2023 21:04

I have no idea.

But, I think that when children mention their step family members to their teacher, they do it because they're unhappy.

Those who are happy probably aren't going to be bothering their form tutor to tell them how kind their step mum is.

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 21:09

@jenandberrys I do agree with you on some level. For example, people who move multiple partners in and out of the house, having children with numerous people, I truly do not think that is good for any child at all.

I know someone who throughout their daughters 16 years of life, they have left her father, moved 3 subsequent men in and out of the home over the years, all of whom were alcoholics or severely mentally unwell (to the point of being dangerous). The daughter has had 'step' siblings come and go in her home and I do find that completely selfish.

However, on the other hand, if a parent separates from the child's father and stays single for many years and not interested in a relationship, for the right man to suddenly come along, and for that relationship to be strong and secure, I don't see a problem with that.

laurajayneinkent · 17/04/2023 21:10

This is very true!

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/04/2023 21:10

katyperryseyelid · 17/04/2023 20:04

I was very, very clear that my child always came first. One wrong move and dh would have been out the door and I meant it. Ds and I were a pair.

Dh agreed he was joining our established life together and that he had to fit in with us.

We were seeing each other for two years before ds even knew he existed. He wasn’t “mummy’s friend” or anything like that. They never crossed paths and I never sacrificed time with ds to see him.

What I liked about dh was that this didn’t bother him one bit. It was what he expected me to do as a mother. There was no whinging that he wanted to see me, no tantrums if ds was ill and needed/wanted to stay with me instead of going to his fathers for a weekend and our plans were cancelled. There was only concern for ds, no moping or moaning (I wouldn’t have stood for it).

Then we had year slowly introducing them to each other and carefully explaining and answering any questions.

Then another year before we decided to move in together - slowly at first as now dh worked in another city and initially, lived in our home Friday night until Monday morning.

Nothing was rushed and if ds had felt uncomfortable at any point, I would have called it a day (ds was around 3-8 years old at during this time but he had no idea of now dh
until he was 5).

Dh was never alone with him for a long time, until we were married and living together and at that point, ds just adored him and wanted to go to theme parks etc with just him. There comes a point when you have been with someone for 5/6 years, you have married them and they have proved time and again that they are a good and trustworthy person when you trust them implicitly with an older child.

Not every woman is desperate for a man at any cost. My son was always my number one priority, not my partner and dh never questioned that - he expected it to be that way.

Show quote history

It’s good we both have happy accounts . Not all blended families are bad :-) .
I think it’s good people know there are still good guys out there too .

laurajayneinkent · 17/04/2023 21:11

GabriellaMontez · 17/04/2023 21:04

I have no idea.

But, I think that when children mention their step family members to their teacher, they do it because they're unhappy.

Those who are happy probably aren't going to be bothering their form tutor to tell them how kind their step mum is.

This is very true!

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 21:16

GabriellaMontez · 17/04/2023 21:04

I have no idea.

But, I think that when children mention their step family members to their teacher, they do it because they're unhappy.

Those who are happy probably aren't going to be bothering their form tutor to tell them how kind their step mum is.

Would you consider that to be the reason why a child may mention their own parent to a teacher also?

VWHoliday · 17/04/2023 21:16

My friend's partner who she had a child with is a better Father to her other 2 children than their real Dad is. They adore him. He is lovely though.

laurajayneinkent · 17/04/2023 21:18

Every situation is different. Staying together with your children's biological parent doesn't mean that the children will necessarily be happy. Staying with an abusive/mentally partner doesn't model a good healthy relationship to the children in any case, and leaving is often the best option for the parent/s and the children.
After that, you might meet someone who is very good for you and for the children, so why would it be selfish to have a respectful and loving relationship with them? It can model a good relationship to the children and provide them with the stability and healthy family life they were lacking before. But of course, each situation is unique.

laurajayneinkent · 17/04/2023 21:23

3BSHKATS · 17/04/2023 19:36

The only thing any of us can do is manage risk, it is a risk to bring a non biologically related person into a childs home, i'm sure there's lots of data freely available. I do believe single women are prayed upon by certain types and the children become collateral damage.

True, but plenty of abuse is also carried out by adults who are related to the child they are abusing.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2023 21:24

Yes our blended family experience was very negative. Now my ex is bringing a new woman and her 15yr old son into the home my 15yr old DD lives in 50% of the time. A women he met overseas and has met the kids once. Fuming isn’t the word

cadburyegg · 17/04/2023 21:29

I'm from a blended family although I'm a child of the second marriage. My half siblings resented me hugely (still do). My own mum put a huge amount of effort in with them but they were never interested in having a relationship with her (fair enough).

So I wouldn't exist if my own dad remained single after his first break up... but YANBU I still agree with you !

I'm a single mum with 2 dc. Every time I've ever expressed my opinion on blended families on here or irl, I've been shot down with comments telling me not to be a martyr, or suggestions that I won't ever be truly settled until I meet another man and have another baby Hmm

I have no intention of ever getting married again or living with a partner until my children are adults, which is 13 years away. I can't speak for anyone else's children ofc but I think my eldest dc would be extremely unhappy with a blended family situation. My youngest would probably tolerate it. But I don't want them to have to just tolerate their living situation, I want them to be as happy as possible. Some situations and environments I can't control, but sharing a living space with an essential stranger is one I absolutely can.

Hell would freeze over before I have another child, because what my experience has taught me is that men can father children and bugger off when they please, with little consequence to them. The woman will almost always be left holding the fort. Having babies leaves women extremely vulnerable in many ways.

It's been 2.5 years since H and I broke up and it's only been recently that I've thought about dating again, although it probably won't happen yet because I don't have much childfree time. I will be keeping any relationship separate from my family for some time.

My ex has had at least 2 girlfriends in that time. His interest in our dc wanes to almost nothing when he's in a relationship, which doesn't bode well if he decided to cohabit.

3BSHKATS · 17/04/2023 21:32

laurajayneinkent · 17/04/2023 21:23

True, but plenty of abuse is also carried out by adults who are related to the child they are abusing.

Show quote history

Statistically it's less likely, a biological father sexually abusing his own children is unusual, step father it's horrifyingly common and indeed there are entire porn site dedicated to the fetish (over 18 step daughters naturally 🙄)

Mamma2017 · 17/04/2023 21:55

Suzannargh · 17/04/2023 08:33

Kids tend to be unhappier when their parents have split, I doubt the stepparents change that percentage much. In many cases stepparents will mean they have a better quality of life than if their parents were single.

utter bull shit what a wild assumption

Mamma2017 · 17/04/2023 22:12

Albiboba · 17/04/2023 09:04

You can’t just claim that the reason they have any problems or are unhappy is solely down to the fact that they have a step parent purely based on the fact that there is a step parent. Correlation is not causation.

How many of those children would still be unhappy if their parents were together and in a toxic relationship? Do you think children are not impacted by verbal abuse? Alcoholism? Constant arguments between parents?
Of course they are!

Would they be just as unhappy with their miserable parents staying together? Entirely plausible.

I know someone who grew up in a household where the parental marriage had basically broken down however the lived together without getting a divorce until the children moved out. All siblings were unhappy in that situation looking back.

Also how much of this is just teen angst? Plenty of teenagers are ‘unhappy’ even if they have seemingly perfect families. ‘No one understands me’ ‘I hate my parents’ ‘I didn’t ask to be born’

It seems like this is just a bit of a rant at blended families without, desperately using the fact that you’re a teacher to make it sound more credible but without actually looking holistically at anything.

This. OP is smug, judgemental, presumptuous & unintelligent at best, at worst- I can’t say what would more accurately describe such a nasty post as it’s only be removed.

Mamma2017 · 17/04/2023 22:20

AdamRyan · 17/04/2023 09:11

Because I am totally fed up of smug married people coming on to say how divorce/blended families/new partners are so damaging to children and if they ever got divorced they would entirely devote themselves to their children until the children left home. When they have precisely no idea about being in a marriage where divorce is your best option, about what being a single parent is like, what it does to your living standards about what the majority of step parents/step siblings actually mean to children and about how it's actually usual for adults to be in a romantic relationship.

It's such disingenuous judgemental bullshit, designed to make the posters feel they are superior to others.

I've witnessed children growing into depressed/suicidal adults being brought up by unhappy parents staying together "for the children" but I don't start threads about it and encourage judgment of those parents for damaging their children's lives.

Show quote history

Well said! The judgment and smugness in this thread is ridiculous. Holy than thou because married and holy and oh sooooo married and holy! I know many children from blended happy families and am in fact one myself and grew up with great relationships and a happy childhood! seriously these archaic attitudes are laughable and I wonder why these people feel so threatened 🤷🏼‍♀️

GabriellaMontez · 17/04/2023 22:21

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 21:16

Would you consider that to be the reason why a child may mention their own parent to a teacher also?

Show quote history

Possibly, but the OP doesn't tell us how often children mention their parents in a 'negative' way.

Even if she did, we'd have to know what percentage of children live in blended /nuclear/ single parent families before we could even begin to establish what sort of percentage are unhappy.

It's complicated and I think the OP is grossly oversimplfying it.

StinkerTroll · 17/04/2023 22:51

Just feel like I have to come on here to say that not all blended family families have issues, my mum got divorced when I was very small, my step dad treated me completely equally, I am his daughter, he is my dad, I have a better relationship with him than I do my biological dad.

emily01bristol · 18/04/2023 06:52

sst1234 · 17/04/2023 09:51

You are wrong OP. Men seem to be happy raising other men’s children and hike having theirs raised by someone else. Women seem to be happy having children with more than one man. He children are the ones that suffer.

The number of threads on this forum alone where OP is complaining about being expected to provide childcare for step children. Other posters jump in telling her to be assertive and say no, it’s the father’s responsibility. While all that may be correct, it’s the poor children that suffer. Always being the outsider to their parents partners.

There are also many many posts from women complaining their husbands are lazy and don’t help look after their own children enough. Bad parenting attitudes on here aren’t limited to step parents!

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