to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Other people are happy.

Why does this always have to happen?

There have been some horrible and goady comments, as always. But surely a rational discussion should be possible?

It can be horrific for children to go through a family breakup and then have step families imposed on them. Sometimes it works, but we know from the data that in most cases it creates more unhappiness than parents separating from a bad relationships and not cohabiting again.

That doesn't mean it isn't beneficial in some circumstances. Or that some children grow up happy in those situations. It just means it's much less likely. We know that if a relationship is toxic it's better for the children to leave it, on average. We know that if that has to happen the next best option statistically is for them to be raised just by their parents but in two separate households with amicable co-parenting, and that if this happens then their outcomes are indistinguisable from those in nuclear families. We also know that if amicable co-parenting or no contact from one parent is possible, that being raised by a lone parent is the next best option, statistically. We know that moving in with a new partner is likely to create worse outcomes, more family conflict, more risks of mental health issues and more risks of abuse. We know that these issues are compounded in cases where this blending involves step siblings or new babies from the new partnerships. These are statistical facts, all available in the studies online.

Of course there will always be exceptions. Of course it hurts to have been through traumatic things yourself, and then read these things and it's normal to feel attacked I suppose when it feels like a personal criticism because people are stating that in most cases your family situation is bad for children, when you believe yours is not.

I do get that - as I said in an earlier post when I read the vitriol heaped on single mothers I feel the same. That is must be somehow my fault or I must have ignored red flags or made bad judgements or my kids will be screwed up by not having a male role model or I must have tricked a man into having babies or I must be claiming benefits etc etc. It's horrible to feel tarred by the same brush based on one characteristic of your family when you know that picture doesn't apply to you. That hurts and it's horrible to feel judged when it's not applicable in your situation but that doesn't change the data, that actually those of us feeling like that in happy single parent families or blended families are the outliers, because many people in those situations haven't planned properly to ensure the children's needs are met and prioritised above the adults' wants, and haven't provided stability and security and safety and love and financial security and a sense of belonging and that the child matters more than the adults.

So those who have done that, great. I'm trying to do the same. There are different ways to do it and as long as it does work and give the children stability and happiness of course it's fine, whatever it looks like. But why have to have this reaction, that the data should be ignored just because you are an exception and it doesn't apply in your case? Deny the risks, ignore the reality that for most children, it's not good. When we know this for a fact. Shutting the discussion down just means that the children in those situations where the adults are NOT putting their needs first and are taking big risks with their happiness and wellbeing and safety will continue to be ignored, with more tragic and sad stories and ruined lives that could have been different. It isn't a personal attack on specific families to speak the truth about the wider picture that for most children this doesn't work out well.

In my opinion, better questions would be: how do we raise current children with better attitudes to relationships and childrearing so that family breakdown is less common? How do we educate young adults better about how to identify bad partners before they have children with them and understand the risks to children? How do we ensure better mental health support and social services are in place so that children who are suffering can access them? What needs to be done to raise the standard of care homes in the UK to the levels in many comparable countries so that there is a realistic alternative option for children in awful family situations that will give them a decent shot at life? What changes do we need to make to the tax system so that people don't feel compelled to co-habit for mainly financial reasons and reduce the financial penalties imposed on single parent households, to bring us in line with international norms on this, as I described upthread?

These are the things we should all focus on. Not attacking each other because we don't want to believe the reality that while our own children may be happy, many others are not.

It is not MOST cases in my circle though and I KNOW not believe that our children all get on.

So to be told we are disillusioned is as ignorant as you thinking I'm ignoring the fact that a lot of blended families are bad for the children.

I wouldn't even keep posting if some posters admitted that I'm not kidding myself. We have been a blended family over 2 decades and everyone is still really close.

I'm not even the one who has moved another adult in, I'm actually sticking up for DH's ex in this and how all four adults have made the children's now adult's lives happy.

I agree with this.

However, I don't think it was just the people who have happy children that were doing the attacking.

But just because it's been ok for most people in your circle doesn't mean you can extrapolate that as a general picture of how it usually works out or the risks involved. That's what academic research is for, longitudinal research one outcomes. So it's completely valid to say that in most cases this is bad for children, without that in any way implying that your family's choices or those of other people you happen to know have worked out badly. There is always some risk and luck involved in that so they did take some large risks given the data but it sounds like it's worked well and that's great. What I don't understand is this insistence that because it's worked for some people or those they know that their experience somehow overrides the statistical facts that in most cases, it doesn't.

Obviously there will be mitigating factors. The personalities of the parents, their economic status, the level of animosity between the original parents, whether they decide to have more children, how slowly it is all done, whether the children had a veto on it, their ages, how traumatic the original separation was, and on and on. And luck. Whether their parent happens to marry an abuser or psychopath and they simply could not know this.

But it is a huge risk, no matter how careful you are. This is a fact. Some will have happy endings which is great. But no matter what our personal sample is, we do know from research that most if these situation do not end happily for all of the children involved and often have life-long negative impacts. I don't see what's wrong with acknowledging that. It's not a personal criticism of anybody to acknowledge the truth, especially it they're certain that their own family is an outlier and that's not the case for the children in their family.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow I do understand what you are saying.

I've found your posts and some other posts very interesting and informative.

There are a couple of posters who haven't come across so well.

I agree @VWHoliday . There have been some horrible posts on this thread, as on so many others on MN these days. It's such a shame and it changes the tone and makes everyone defensive and then of course more harsh in their own replies.

Used to be quite a supportive and often rather hilarious place here! I wish we could get back to that.

I’m a step parent, I have my own child - there are currently no shared children.

Do I love my step children as much as I love my own child - no, I don’t.

Do I love my step children, want them to be as happy as they possibly could be, achieve as much as they could, as much as I want that for my own child? Yes absolutely, they are my family. I care deeply about their happiness.

All of the most challenging conversations in my relationship are about how we can make sure our children are happy. I don’t mean challenging in a negative way - the end result is positive, I suspect we’re more open than many couples in “standard” families.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow I wonder if the people who have made the comments that are on the harsher end of the spectrum in this thread, were victims of the types of negative situations we’re talking about and are still struggling to process it and are lashing out. Not making excuses for them, that’s still poor form and we are all responsible for our own triggers, but still.

and I absolutely agree with you that the posters insisting their situation is good; absolutely no one is disbelieving you! If you say it’s good, it’s good. So you’re probably not the 75% or whatever percentage it is and you shouldn’t be defending those 75% because they’re not putting their children first.

Your point about how to avoid this; I couldn’t agree with you more (again!!) we need to support single mothers more. Bottom line. Mostly financially. Because severe financial strain puts you in a survival mode type state, and I don’t think that puts you in the mind of choosing a partner properly. There will always be the women (like my mother) who simply can’t live without a man, but that’s a mindset type thing and it’s way more complex to unpick. But yes, proper support, funding and kindness would go a LONG way to prevent these types of negative situations I bet.

My mother died when I was five years old, my father met a new woman and married her when I was seven. She was nice at first, but once she moved in she showed her true colours. She despised me and made it very clear.

My childhood was utterly miserable and I remember being about eight or nine years old and fantasising about sticking a kitchen knife in my neck over and over again. Ended up being kicked out the house aged sixteen, any of my possessions I couldn't fit in a couple suitcases etc were thrown out.

She is very good at acting superficially nice, especially when others are present, so to outsiders family situation would look "normal". Also she has poisoned my father's relationship with his parents, and with his siblings.

Of course everything has always been my fault, I've been told plenty growing up how vile and nasty I am. (this has impacted me a lot, low self esteem etc). At least my siblings and I didn't end up in the care system, so I am grateful for that.

I've had friends who had loving step fathers who they considered their "real dads" etc, but I've known more who were miserable step children.

Usually there is some truth to stereotypes (not always ofc).

I'm sorry this thread is so offensive and generalist. As someone has pointed out it varies very much by family and who is to say staying together for the sake of the kids is better?

My child has a step dad and is actually closer to his step dad than his biological dad, they have an amazing close relationship and my son says all the time (unprompted by me) that he is lucky he has "extra" parents compared to other kids.

I don't know the ins and outs of every family (who does?) but the step families I see appear no less happy than the ones without?

I'm sorry this thread is so offensive and generalist.

What makes you think your experience or opinion is so special you need to, or worse feel you have the right to, apologise for everyone elses lived experiences or opinions?

@ACTIVE123 I’m so glad for you and your son that you guys didn’t have a bad experience, that’s honestly lovely and a credit to you. But can you see that by calling experiences that don’t align with yours ‘offensive and generalist’ that you could be invalidating those people with those experiences? I wonder if what you could be experiencing is disbelief and anger at all those parents, not like you, who haven’t put their children first, and give blended families a bad reputation. Because honestly same. I feel anger and disbelief that with harder work on behalf of my parents, that I might have had a lovely, fulfilling experience like your son has.

VWHoliday It's sweet that you think your posts prove anything but they don't. And quite funny that you accuse me of projecting when I'm not part of a "blended" family and am objective, whereas you have a very vested interested in defending your decisions.

What are you waffling on about?

I can't help with your poor reading comprehension, sorry.

I understand it. I just can't be bothered to argue with you. So go and be argumentative with someone else. I don't need to defend my choices anymore. I'm not sure what life you live or why you are so obsessed about half siblings not getting on.

Children suffer in blended families, I know from personal experience. I have talked to multiple friends and families that are in blended families and there are more negative experiences than positive experiences. The reality is, the parents who blend families without regard to the children tend to be selfish parents in the first place.

Well I'm from one and I didn't suffer, so...

What a nasty little thread. I'm going to send the link to it to my eldest for her thoughts and see what her thoughts are.

I'm fairly sure she'd rather be living with me, a loving SD and two younger siblings rather than with me and her drunk of a father who literally chose booze over her when she was barely a year old.

Selfish? GTF.

Everyone has to weigh their situation and choose what’s best for their unique situation.

You’re probably quite right, the parents who blend without regard for the children are generally selfish @Prettyjaxmum .

But they don’t account for all blended families.

If half of all marriages end in divorce then why remarry in the first place, if it will probably end in divorce?? To compound more problems to an already complicated situation?

The op is entitled to their opinion just like you are entitled to yours. @AdamRyan

@SemperIdem agreed.