to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Of course they are still broken. The abuser is the one that broke it but they are still broken. It isn’t saying the person is broken, but that the family is. Which it is.

No no no, op wants attention, she loves to post controversial threads, its her thing.

I knew when my marriage ended I could never be a step parent so only dated child free men and kept them separate from my children
However I couldn’t stop ExDH remarrying more than once to women who already had children - as he had regular access my DC had no choice
They haven’t come away unscathed from their experiences

To misquote Mandy Rice Davies ‘ well you would say that, wouldn’t you’

The OP does love to do that, but the poll suggest that many agree with her.

@jenandberrys if it harmed them or if they had been unhappy with meeting DH, they would have come first. They were the ones begging for him to move in. I think they craved a father figure and role model.

Kids tend to be unhappier when their parents have split, I doubt the stepparents change that percentage much.

This. But it is what it is, sometimes parents need to separate and we can't have what would make the kids happiest, as there are other things to consider.

Children around the world have suffered much worse fates than this, sometimes things can't be perfect.

Itd be interesting how this varies across demographics and whether said children would be growing up in toxic households anyway. I'm not saying its right and that would be better, but there's so many variables it's quite a statement to say that the majority of blended families are miserable and damaging. There absolutely are people who are very reckless and put themselves first by rushing in or moving in a completely inappropriate, abusive adult to their children's safe space; there are also others who after years of dating slowly introduce a new partner that by that point they know very well and manage to strike an appropriate balance to ensure the children come first but they can also move on with their life.

Personally I met someone knew when DS was 3, he moved in when he was 6 and we have a child together now. Me and my ex now get on well and he has 2 further children, there isn't any drama, we are both fortunate I guess that both of our 'new' families are fairly equal in terms of finances so there isn't a competitiveness, we both give DS time alone as well as with his half siblings. If he grows up resentful then that's regrettable but I won't regret moving on.

I rightly or wrongly always feel sorry for the original child. The child that parents split and up and then both go on to have children with new partners. The original child is ferried back and forth between these families. I wonder how they feel.

I’m guessing they were very young?

Anecdotally children who gain a stable stepparent when young seem happier with it.

About 75% of the older children and teens I know are generally unhappy about something, usually their family, regardless of the specific set up.

@jenandberrys

Of course they are still broken. The abuser is the one that broke it but they are still broken. It isn’t saying the person is broken, but that the family is. Which it is.

I kicked my abusive, alcoholic husband out when my DD had just turned four (young enough that she didn't really notice his departure). I don't want to minimise the impact of separation on families. I realise it's trite and convenient to say it was all roses and sunshine after he left because it wasn't, but I can promise you she and I were a hell of a lot less "broken" without him in the house.

It takes work. I stayed with ex H,(having got pregnant in my teens) because that's what you did. He was a psychopath,had been put away for trying to kill his F, I didn't know this (he also admitted to being gay) he tried to kill me,was made homeless. Now second marriage, DH was the one who found it difficult, because he didn't have children. When we decided to have a baby/get married we all sat round the dinner table, discussed it with the other 3. They're in their 30/40/50s now, when they ask for favours,DH says "your bloody kids", but laughing and they know that!

Hmmm. There's always a lot of bashing of stepparents / stepfamilies on here.

There are very many family set-ups that are far from ideal.

I'm talking poor marriages with men who set a bad example and don't really parent their (biological) kids. Growing up in a single parent household is hardly ideal in most cases either. Siblings who don't get on, or who have additional needs that affect the rest of the family. Some of these come about through poor decision-making, others through no one's fault at all. I am NOT judging anyone, we are all individuals.

What is the perfect family?

It's quite easy to take a cheap shot at those of us who are trying to do the best by our kids and also think of our own happiness.

We're a 'blended family' through a double widowhood situation - none of the children have another biological parent alive.

We do our best. I don't believe DH or I are selfish. It's often very tough. But it was tough anyway, with the children all losing their other parent. I'm not convinced that what we are doing now is 'more detrimental' than that loss.

Not all situations are the same. Some people get on wonderfully with step parents and others don't. Some people have wonderful biological parents and others don't.

It was horrific for our family. After our parents' divorce but before they remarried all of us were fine but the step parents changed everything. One step parent viewed us as an inconvenience and openly told us she didn't like children. The other step parent was abusive. All siblings have suffered with mental health problems, one with suicide attempts. One sibling forced to leave home as a young teen. Other parent wouldn't house them because they had "made a deal" with their partner that the children wouldn't ever live with them so left a teenager to live alone. Another sibling moved to the other side of the world and has never returned. The damage done was immense. All have very little, if any, contact with parents now. Our parents would have told you it was all great, though.

I have maybe 20 friends whose parents divorced and remarried that I can think of and only one of them didn't find it utterly miserable and traumatic.

I am now a lone parent and my children will never be subjected to step parents. I don't understand why anybody would involve a new partner in their children's lives or worse still move in with them or have more children with them. It's so selfish knowing that in the vast majority of cases it's dreadful for the children, who have been through the trauma of family breakup already.

The alternative is that their parents stay living together which often causes a very negative and damaging home environment, or that they don't see one of their parents- neither of those are ideal either. Where parents can remain amicable, put their child first, be reasonable about contact and things then yes its not ideal, but it's better than the alternative.

@Suzannargh they were 10 and 7 when I met DH. I had been separated from their father for nearly 3 years as they needed time to process all that before I even considered dating again.

The point I think is often missed on here is that when children are unhappy in a blended situation it’s often because their parent is selfish, or in some cases neglectful with allowing nasty step parents of second class treatment.

That parent isn’t/wasn’t suddenly going to be less selfish if they were single. Or with the other biological parent.

The assumption is that the child would be in a better situation and imo they wouldn’t. If a shit parent is allowing their child to be unhappy they’re not suddenly going to become dad or mum of the year just because they didn’t remarry.

Blaming the blended scenario is just easier, but it’s lazy and ignores the root cause of problem.

Too many people who shouldn’t have children have children. That is the problem. Not their marital situation or living set up.

You can’t just claim that the reason they have any problems or are unhappy is solely down to the fact that they have a step parent purely based on the fact that there is a step parent. Correlation is not causation.

How many of those children would still be unhappy if their parents were together and in a toxic relationship? Do you think children are not impacted by verbal abuse? Alcoholism? Constant arguments between parents?
Of course they are!

Would they be just as unhappy with their miserable parents staying together? Entirely plausible.

I know someone who grew up in a household where the parental marriage had basically broken down however the lived together without getting a divorce until the children moved out. All siblings were unhappy in that situation looking back.

Also how much of this is just teen angst? Plenty of teenagers are ‘unhappy’ even if they have seemingly perfect families. ‘No one understands me’ ‘I hate my parents’ ‘I didn’t ask to be born’

It seems like this is just a bit of a rant at blended families without, desperately using the fact that you’re a teacher to make it sound more credible but without actually looking holistically at anything.

From personal experience most children I know are unhappy with the situation. My oldest and youngest are. The middle one is content. My SDs were previously unhappy during my marriage to my ex husband. My friends DD is extremely unhappy currently, I am a teacher and I see differing responses. Some children are happy some aren’t. It doesn’t seem to follow that children who have experienced a blended family from a very young age become more accepting. I think personality plays a part obviously alongside their experience of family conflict . Again witnessing conflict doesn’t always lead to non acceptance. It’s so complicated and more children sadly need support dealing with their feelings. It’s not really broached at school even though we are aware of differing situations when we make Mother and Father’s Day cards for example.

My parents divorced, there was no blending after, life still sucked. Not always the blending that makes kids miserable.

Well we had niggles. Who doesn’t?

But 24 years later we’re still together. All dc have flown the nest. But get together a are fun. My ds has brothers he wouldn’t have had and then vice versa. They’re all friends and see each other independently of us.

The thing I really don’t get is the need to have a new child with the new partner when there are already kids in the mix.

Growing up in a single parent household is hardly ideal in most cases either.

Why? What's inherently wrong with it? I mean ideally of course you'd have a happy, nuclear family, but when that's not possible or preferable because of specific circumstances surely in those situations single parenting is ideal, when the alternative is to force children to live with unrelated adults.

I find it very strange that there seems to be more judgement in society about single parents than there is about blended families when the data is clear that the latter is far more damaging to children. Perhaps many people's social views are formed based on what they want to believe rather than the data from studies on the impacts.

Because I am totally fed up of smug married people coming on to say how divorce/blended families/new partners are so damaging to children and if they ever got divorced they would entirely devote themselves to their children until the children left home. When they have precisely no idea about being in a marriage where divorce is your best option, about what being a single parent is like, what it does to your living standards about what the majority of step parents/step siblings actually mean to children and about how it's actually usual for adults to be in a romantic relationship.

It's such disingenuous judgemental bullshit, designed to make the posters feel they are superior to others.

I've witnessed children growing into depressed/suicidal adults being brought up by unhappy parents staying together "for the children" but I don't start threads about it and encourage judgment of those parents for damaging their children's lives.

We're a 'blended family' through a double widowhood situation - none of the children have another biological parent alive.

However this, I think, is a very different situation to children being shunted backwards and forwards between different homes where they're made to feel unwelcome and inferior to new half-siblings who live there full time etc.