to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

You can’t stop your ex from giving an unhappy childhood but you can make sure your child is happy with you. Shit nrp going to be shit nrp doesn’t mean the rp should be equally as shit.

Did you read my posts @OhmygodDont

Only that one.

Might be an idea to read them.

@OhmygodDont Just to clarify, are you saying that you believe every single parent who gets into a new relationship (doing it very carefully and always considering the children) are crap parents?

In what way are you judging people?! LMAO!!!!
You just started a thread where you declared three quarters of blended families unhappy and then declared the thread was warranted as it “might make some people think again and save a number of children from years of misery”.

So again, what’s your family setup? Are you the perfect parent/ family? Please do tell..

Really cnba to check one usernames posting history. You asked how to stop your child being in an unhappy blended family.

If it’s your ex you can’t. If its you, then you stop it pretty simple.

Do you think the answer would be for parents to stay together for the sake of the children?
No more divorce. Putting the clock back 60 years?
Then, mainly women it seems, never living with a man/woman for at least 20 years until the children are adults.
Many people on MN post about their unhappy childhoods with both natural parents. That is the scheme of life. Disney families are few & far between. Really unsure what reaction you would like from your post.

Nope. But if you know your child is unhappy and you are the own forcing it yes.

My anecdotal observation is that blending families is generally in the perceived best interests of the adults, not the children. I’m a divorced parent, and have no intention of living with DP until both our DC are adults. Plus, i think continuing with living separately, while in a serious relationship, is underrated - it helps keep the magic alive. So it works for us and our DC.

@OhmygodDont Apologies for misunderstanding what you were saying.

I agree with you in that respect then and it should not be forced onto the child if they are unhappy with the situation. However if they were once fine with it and then the adults got married etc, then the child suddenly had issues (particularly the teen years), parents can't be expected to end their marriage on a whim like that.

I didn’t date til my children were almost adults (my youngest was 17)

I have kept a separate house from my partner so that our children (mostly his now for school purposes) are not disturbed.

We don’t live together and we see our children mostly separately, although they are welcome in either house (my no2 was at his at the weekend of their own volition, I wasn’t there as I had other plans, his kids sometimes come here with him (they are slightly younger than mine) but they also do stuff with their dad (my partner) on their own. And that’s fine.

my ex has introduced a blended family that is not great (understatement)

now. Tell me again. What more should I have done and what can I do about it?

by which I mean. What is the point of this thread? Even if I accept the premise, ok so it’s shit for kids in blended families.

but it was shit for my kids when me and my ex were together.

what can I do about it? My ex is hardly going to listen to me. And there was/is no legal basis to stop it.

so. What should I do and have done that I’m not doing. Because if the op can’t answer that, this thread is just pile of judgementalness.

The only thing any of us can do is manage risk, it is a risk to bring a non biologically related person into a childs home, i'm sure there's lots of data freely available. I do believe single women are prayed upon by certain types and the children become collateral damage.

I agree to an extend , obviously the grownups are the ones deciding to live together , but this doesn’t mean everyone would sacrifice their children , my partner move with me with the extremely specific rule that if the children where unhappy after a month he would need to move out ( this is someone I know for over 20 years and after a long relationship ) . This is the first man I ever moved in , I have never lived with anyone else ( , have been in relationships but not lived ) in 15 years . Not everyone does thing carelessly.

I would definitely say some very deep digging would need to be done to find out and preferably by a safe person with no skin in the game.

Yes teenage years can be an arse but also abuse can ramp up.

It's a mixed bag.

I didn't especially like my stepfather and I still don't. He's not a bad person; he's just incredibly socially heedless. He talks very loudly and about only his iwn interests, snorts mucus constantly, leaves used tissues and toenail clippings everywhere, blasts talk radio all day starting at 4:30 am, etc. It was hard to live with

But as an adult, I'm glad he's in my mother's life. She is a person who needs constant companionship. His presence liberated me to move away, travel the world, aettle down in another country without guilt. If she had stayed single for my sake, I'd have felt like I owed it to her to fill the gaps in her life. I don't have that now, and I'm happy for it

I was very, very clear that my child always came first. One wrong move and dh would have been out the door and I meant it. Ds and I were a pair.

Dh agreed he was joining our established life together and that he had to fit in with us.

We were seeing each other for two years before ds even knew he existed. He wasn’t “mummy’s friend” or anything like that. They never crossed paths and I never sacrificed time with ds to see him.

What I liked about dh was that this didn’t bother him one bit. It was what he expected me to do as a mother. There was no whinging that he wanted to see me, no tantrums if ds was ill and needed/wanted to stay with me instead of going to his fathers for a weekend and our plans were cancelled. There was only concern for ds, no moping or moaning (I wouldn’t have stood for it).

Then we had year slowly introducing them to each other and carefully explaining and answering any questions.

Then another year before we decided to move in together - slowly at first as now dh worked in another city and initially, lived in our home Friday night until Monday morning.

Nothing was rushed and if ds had felt uncomfortable at any point, I would have called it a day (ds was around 3-8 years old at during this time but he had no idea of now dh
until he was 5).

Dh was never alone with him for a long time, until we were married and living together and at that point, ds just adored him and wanted to go to theme parks etc with just him. There comes a point when you have been with someone for 5/6 years, you have married them and they have proved time and again that they are a good and trustworthy person when you trust them implicitly with an older child.

Not every woman is desperate for a man at any cost. My son was always my number one priority, not my partner and dh never questioned that - he expected it to be that way.

Dh had also seen his sister move 3 boyfriends in
and out of his nieces lives and had seen first hand how that affected them in a negative way. He didn’t want to make the same mistakes with someone else’s child (mine) and mess them up.

Very good explanation @Eggpie that was my experience around some of the kids I met through the Children’s Panel. Add to that complicated picture weird custody/ visiting arrangements, different “grandparents” whom may or not treat them equally (look at the threads at Xmas on here!) then it’s no wonder some kids and young people are severely impacted around trust, anxiety etc.

Everyone has a right to happiness but what I’m taking from this thread is a reminder to put my kids first with my love life and how fat I might move on or move a partner in. Childhood is so short.

I hated being forced into a blended family aged five.

I didn’t want stepbrothers, or a step family. It really was awful for me.

As an adult, I don’t know of any successful blended families where there were children from both sides involved. One woman I know absolutely hates and detests her stepson, but sticks with her partner regardless. Her own DD moved out of home as soon as she could to escape the stepbrother.

In general, I think parents should think really long and hard before trying to merge families together for selfish reasons.

@KnitFastDieWarm seems to have the right balance. And living separately is generally better for everyone, more space, less chance of getting on each others nerves etc.

What if living separately is not an option due to religious or cultural reasons, such as no sex before marriage and dating with a view to marriage? I can't imagine people being ok living apart if married.

You know people can just remain single, being in a romantic relationship is not compulsory

@jenandberrys You are right, it's not but it's also not compulsory to stay single if you meet someone who is right.

Of course it’s not, but let’s not pretend that that calculation involves putting your children first. It is first and foremost about the parent pursuing their own romantic desires, the children are at best second in the list.