to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Kids tend to be unhappier when their parents have split, I doubt the stepparents change that percentage much. In many cases stepparents will mean they have a better quality of life than if their parents were single.

All the step parents will be along to tell you it’s great and if there are issues it’s the ex.

The step children will be along to tell you at best it was mediocre but majority that it sucked for them.

Not really. I had a blended family, there were conflicts and niggles and some of the dynamics stiull suck a bit, but overall I think we got on pretty well and my step and half siblings have hugely added to my life - and don't all families, even nuclear ones, have issues. My step sisters are some of my best friends.

But I agree dealing with the impact of divorce is a sorce of difficulty.

But then again my step mum totally viewed us all as family and we were treated equally. I understand from this forum that many many step parents don't feel they owe that to children and are basically itching to get rid of the SCs. I think that attitude is probably REALLY felt by the SCs and it must be horrible sharing your life is an adult who thinks of you an an inconvenience they need to put up with to keep their man.

Maybe, but I suppose you have to ask yourself whether the blending is the issue or whether these kids/families would be unhappy anyway. Maybe the type of parents who don't go about blending a family in the right way would also be lacking if they had remained single or if they had stayed with the child's other parent. It's simplistic to say it's because of the blending imo,that's not necessarily the root cause.

YANBU but the unfortunate state of our society and so many blended families means your answers will be skewed.

They mostly all think they’re happy, when the reality is that they as parents may be happy but they haven’t done the best by their children.

This. It's always the way on these threads. I always wonder if the parents know deep down that their children are unhappy and don't care, or if they're truly delusional.

Unfortunately I agree with you even though you have generalised hugely. The blended families I am aware of are fraught with issues both big and small.

I would never ever put my children into one. If my relationship with their father ends then so does my love life until they are at least 18!!!

I think children can feel pushed out with step and half siblings brought into the mix, especially if they’re brought into their home. Always strikes me as a complicated mess.

I am a step mum and my DH is a step dad to my kids. I can't say that we have had any issues with the dynamics of the family, it's always been fairly smooth sailing. My kids were the ones begging me to move DH in and get married so they were absolutely fine with it all.

This. Blended families come about solely because of parents putting their own needs over and above those of the family as a whole. They often them compound this by going on and having further children and therefore creating a new non blended part of the family. It’s horrendous for the kids.

I do think remarriage after the loss of a spouse is different, particularly if the party they are getting married to is childless.

What is the purpose of your thread?
Nearly half of marriages end in divorce, that's life. Most people don't end the marriage on a whim or move a step parent in ASAP. Most people do the best they can by their family.

Stop being so judgemental.

I'm sure there are a lot of blended families where it's problematic and kids feel their needs have been pushed aside. That's certainly true. And at the extreme it can be horrendous, I grant you. And I speak as someone whose daughter has a step parent.

That said, I think there's probably more nuance to it than you describe here. There are so many variables at play here that it's impossible to summarise them all but the most critical ones include: what the temperament of the new step parent is like, whether the step parent is committed to actually being part of a "family" or whether they just want the relationship with the parent; whether they resent the children or treat them kindly; whether there are other children involved in the "blending" and what their relationships are like; the ages of the children at the time the step parent came on the scene; the quality of the parents and step parents' relationships, where the family is living; whether the children have to be uprooted and move schools etc; whether there is a downgrade in the quality of life etc.

I do think bringing a step parent and step siblings into the mix automatically raises the stakes for everyone and I do think it needs to be done slowly and with great care and sensitivity. I think some people are not cut out to be step parents and shouldn't move in with children.

I don't think it's automatically a disaster and in some scenarios it can be very positive, but I think parents often are too quick to assume it will all work out in the end and unprepared for what can be a hard road.

@jenandberrys So parents shouldn't be allowed to move on and have a new life with a new partner?

I agree that blending families is not best for the dc in the vast majority of cases. Of course there will be the odd happy blended family where it has worked out perfectly and things are harmonious but I think that this is the exception rather than the rule.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think that if you are single with young dc (male or female, rp or nrp) then you should accept that you can't have an intense relationship with the view to living with your partner until the dc are much older/nearing adulthood. By all means have relationships, there is no requirement to be lonely or miserable if that is how staying single would make you feel. But it is usually in the best interest of your dc to keep that relationship separate from family life until the dc are nearly adults. I do believe it's pretty selfish to move someone into your dc's home and force them (plus possible step siblings) into your dc's life for the sake of your love life.

I think the quality of parents and parenting are what makes a family good or otherwise and being a shite parent is not remotely exclusive to people who are step parents or have a new partner.

I had a step dad after the death of my dad and I can honestly say it was truly traumatic and my mum should never have married him. It was damaging to us all and my mum certainly put her needs above us, her children. If anything happened to my DH I would never bring another man in to my family home.

Why so defensive? The OP has made a very valid point based on the contact she has with school children. She’s speaking about what she’s witnessed.

Parents can move on of course. But that shouldn’t mean forcing a new “parent” or step siblings onto your children with no thought to them or their home which should be considered a safe space.

You can date and have sex without having to live together. Without making your children suddenly share a house or bedroom with adult and children strangers to them.

I was deeply unhappy as a child/ teen as my parents stayed in a high conflict marriage because divorce in ireland wasn't really a thing. My parents split when I was a young teen, my dad remaried and I really like his wife, I think she's great for him.

I am now a stepmum. I have a good relationship with DSS in fact he often comes to me with the stuff that's bothering him.

On the other hand the thing that is often bothering DSS is his stepdad. He is an abusive prick and its had a really bad impact on him. However DSS stepdad is also an abusive prick to his wife (DSS mum) and his own kids (DSS half siblings). Luckily mum has left said husband but has all but moved in a man she had been dating for 2 weeks 😕
My point is there is no perfect recpie for a happy family and both blended and non blended families can work or not work.

Not to the extent of ‘blending’ families and having additional children with them. No I don’t think so.

@Coffeaddict your third paragraph - those poor children. Miserable for them.

What about single parent families where a woman has removed herself and her children from a violent or abusive situations. Are they also "broken"?

You do realise, also, that having two biological parents remain together isn't a gold-plated guarantee of family harmony?

I totally acknowledge what the OP is talking about: blending families can be very problematic and difficult. But writing everyone who doesn't remain with their original spouse as "broken" is blinkered and quite offensive.

I think your numbers may be a little skewed because of the ones you never realise are blended. DFIL is actually DH’s stepfather. He then adopted DH when he was Primary age. My DSIL had been dating DBIL for a couple of years before she found out entirely incidentally. I’m not sure my DSs know. It’s not hidden, it’s just utterly irrelevant. DFIL is an absolute brick and DH treats him as his Dad. DH’s biological Dad vanished when he was a baby. DFIL married DMIL when DH was 4.

@jenandberrys I disagree completely. My children have benefited from having a step dad as they unfortunately don't have a great relationship with their biological dad. Step dad has taught them how a man should treat a woman and he is always there to protect them.