to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

I am a kid fo divorce and my dad later remarried and had a further two children with my stepmum. I do not agree with the OP.

@Beezknees I don't think my kids would be interested coming on here and commenting 😂

How many families have you surveyed where the parents split but neither god a new partner?

My kids were unhappy me and their dad split. There wasn’t a blended family situation for years. (Their dad’s side)

*got

I'm not knocking single parents whatsoever. Of course this would be preferable to abuse or neglect, I would never dispute that. But it's not preferable to two loving parents. Again, this is not me judging - people end up as single parents for many reasons and many do a great job.

I am simply making the point that on here, it feels like nobody can win, there is always somebody judging, pointing the finger, and I wonder whether it just gives them a sense of superiority.

@Nordicrain I am also a child of divorce and my parents remarried, so I was that child too and I don't agree with OP.

I suspect that truly happy, successful blended families are a tiny minority. Most of the blending seems to come from the adults wanting to play 'happy families' - the children's needs are definitely ignored.

The statistics around violence experienced by children from stepfathers supports this. I am saddened that more divorced parents don't choose to have relationships out of the home and keep the children out of it until they are adults.

Fair enough! Of course some situations are happy.

Two happy single parents is better than angry married parents. Two happy single parents is better than a blended family most of the time too.

For the children. You only have to look on the step parenting board and speak to now adult step children. Who will tell you their parents thought it was lovely but they did not. Most of the time.

Also. My kids weren’t happy when we were together. It wasn’t a good marriage or a healthy environment for kids.

how are you mitigating that in your survey?

If I'd split with my DH, I never would have made my children grow up in a house with another adult who wasn't their parent or related to them.

When I read some of these threads about step parents barely tolerating their step children (and that is always the implication), it makes me so sad.

One poster the other day said she upset her DH by saying that she wouldn't look after her step children if both their parents died. And yet those poor children have to grow up sharing their home and childhood with this woman who would palm them off the minute their parents died.

It's not so much that she wouldn't have kept them (she feels how she feels) it's the fact that despite this, they still have to spend their childhoods with her. Half of their memories will be made in the presence of a woman who would send them away the minute their dad died. I felt like crying for them, to be honest.

The consensus seems to be that single parenthood is the gold standard for parenting and anything different to that then we are being selfish and neglecting our children 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

MN has always had a plethora of LTB threads. I'm not talking about obvious abuse or unhappiness for all involved where it's judtified, but a knee jerk reaction to virtually any problematic or annoying situation.

Which also comes with the caveat that then you should not enter into a serious relationship again until your children are grown and out of the house.

Which completely screws over any woman who DID have the misfortune to be in a shitty, abusive relationship or even just an unhappy one who is then considered to have to remain single for potentially decades, with all the pressures and shit that comes with lone parenting.

Oh, and should never have more DC. Because ending a shitty relationship even in your 20s should mean you live alone with the DC from that relationship till they leave home and never have more.

The attitude is that it's stupid women who should've been psychic and known they were having kids with the wrong man so made their bed and have to lie in it otherwise they're a selfish, feckless parent who is making their child suffer for not wanting to be alone for the next decade and more.

We are all very happy. We co parent a 15 year old, both have new partners and get on like good friends. We walk into each others houses and have keys etc. Have a big family group chat. Go out to eat dinner together.

However.... people say its 'weird' or that they could never be thaylt way with ex . I fail to see how putting your childs happiness first is weird but i think their attitude explains why happy blended families isnt usual.

This

What if you'd have split when your children were young, would you have been content waiting 16 or so years to move in?

I am sorry you didn't have a good experience. However perhaps you can acknowledge that people have different experiences and not all blended families are bad. And it's not jsut the parents/ step parents that have that view.

But they don't HAVE to get remarried and bring another adult into the home.

Divorce with kids is crap, I'm not denying it. It's often totally out of the individual's control.

What is IN that persons control is not bringing another adult into their child's home.

it's a shitty choice, but surely the right choice is the one that is the best for the children.

@Nordicrain I totally agree not all blended families are bad, I'm in one with my DH and our kids from previous relationships.

Not at the expense of the kids.

My cousin knew his step-dad (my uncle) from about the age of 2 or 3, his own dad wasn't interested in him. He now is an adult and my uncle married his mother, gave him a sibling close in age, and adopted him. He calls him dad and doesn't think of him as a step-parent, or an adoptive parent, he's dad through and through. Likewise, he is treated and thought of like a grandchild just the same as his brother. The idea of "he is my step-dad" just isn't a thing, he's his dad. I suppose the age at which the blending happens make a big difference - he doesn't really remember a time without my uncle.

My own step-dad is the same. My "real" dad left before I was born and wanted nothing to do with me. So in every way, my step is my dad. He is also a grandad to my child, I haven't even explained be isn't a blood relative yet.

Blood isn't really important in our family though... I also have a step grandparent I consider my real grandparent and always have done, and cousins who aren't blood/marriage related so by all accounts aren't "actually" my cousins.

TBF, the ones that seem to work the best usually involve an absent bio parent.

Also. I didn’t date til my kids were adults. My ex did. I can’t control that. So what does heaping sadness on me coz my kids are going to be unhappy do? More guilt for the mothers.

my partner and I have been dating for 4 years. And we haven’t “blended” our families. He sees his kids and I see my (adult) kids and sometimes we see them together.

but I have my house and he has his (due to location) and that works for us.

and yet I’ve been vilified on here under a different name for saying I wouldn’t enable him to parent because that’s his job.

women can’t win it seems.

this thread is not going to make parents lives easier. It’s not going to be helpful to anyone, regardless of what they’ve done.

the poll is flawed.

what’s the use of the thread at all?

I don’t have a blended family and still my children are not happy!! I think you can not compare because you are not balancing that out with stats on children who are unhappy and not from blended families. I think the difference is children from blended families might feel they can tell others if they are unhappy as they do not feel as loyal to a step parent.

@Holly60 This is what I can't seem to get across, sometimes it is beneficial for the kids to have a blended family. If it works, it can bring them happiness and security.

"When I read some of these threads about step parents barely tolerating their step children (and that is always the implication), it makes me so sad."

I agree with this. My step mum was never a mum figure to me. But she 100% always treated me as family and she is just as much a grandmother to my kids as to my step sister's children. I also agree that it's astoounding to me that someone can share a home with a small child for a decade or more and still come out of it with no bond or kindness towards that child at all. It strikes me as so callous. How sad for the children who will no doubt have felt it.