to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

It's very hard to answer.

I come at this from two angles, as a stepchild myself and as a step parent.

I met my step dad when I was about 13 and quite honestly I'm fine with it. My parents separation which happened a couple of years prior affected me much more than my mum remarrying did. I actually really really like my step dad (feels weird to call him that tbh as he's never been a "dad" to me just like a close family member), and he's a fantastic grandad to my DC now. Genuinely, and I'm not just saying this, I do feel my life has benefitted from having him in it. But then he doesn't have children of his own so I never had step siblings or anything like that, maybe that would have been different and harder to deal with. Neither of my parents went on to have more children so I've never had to deal with new half siblings either, again possibly making it easier for me.

Now I'm a step parent myself and I also share DC with DH so my step children's half siblings and I'm inclined to agree that with hindsight it's probably not the ideal scenario for the original children and if me and DH split it would be something I would avoid as best I could from my side, happening to my own children. My step children were much younger than I was when I become a SC and I do think that has a lot to do with it. I was much more independent when I met my mum's husband than my step children were, there was a lot less contact (and therefore conflict) between my parents because I was older than there was between DH and DSCs mum.

I will say that I do genuinely believe my stepchildren love their half siblings and wouldn't want to be without them. If they don't they are fantastic actors because they just dote on them. BUT that's not to say there hasn't also been feelings of concern / worry on their part about their dad having more children, there has been (we have talked about it and I hope they feel reassured). So I don't think it's either or... I think my DSC love their siblings by me and their dad and would agree that they would want them in their life, but also thst it's been hard for them to see their dad have new children too. Not either or.

So basically my experience of blended families as a step child was actually fine but from being a step parent myself I appreciate that I am likely in the minority and it's not something I'd want to risk for my own child if my husband and I ever separated.

Crikey what good work by the OP here. As if life isn't tough enough for us all already! Along comes someone deliberately trying to stir up conflict and everyone falls over themselves to do just that.

Kids can be unhappy in a 'normal' family set up, in a blended family and in a single parent family. They could also be happy in each one. There is no magic set up where everyone is happy all of the time. What happened to 'live and let live eh?!'. Such a shame.

OP ~ great work for a Monday morning 👏👏👏

I dunno, maybe because I've been on my own for so long I can't see the appeal of living with a man anyway. I like my own space. Also I wouldn't want somebody trying to parent my child when they aren't actually their parent, it would annoy me.

I think that you are probably right. From my experience, children who have endured the breakdown of their parent's relationship tend to do better when they don't then have to jolly along and share resources and attention with a bunch of other kids from their parent's new partners.

This idea that children are resilient to these kind of changes is largely bullshit. Resignation to their powerlessness in the situation isn't an approximation of resilience but it's a useful myth adults tell themselves to assuage their own discomfort.

My DD refers to her SD as her dad in school/outside the home but calls him "Bill" at home. How would you guage her level of happiness OP? Considering you wouldn't actually know she was from a blended family? 🤔

@Holly60 I did exactly as you suggest.

and yet my kids are in an unhappy blended family situation and were from a young age.

that’s out of my control. What can I do about it?

My step dad is an arsehole. He caused alot of problems with me because he simply didn't want me there. 12 years later I still don't like him.

Unfortunately these conversations have been exacerbated lately by a large number of young children being abused and even killed by step parents, often the step father.

In a lot of cases this will be due to money. The main residence (generally the mother’s house) is where the children spend the most time so are most comfortable, and it’s the household that receives hundreds of pounds of benefits as well as child maintenance every month.

The NRP may not be able to afford a house with bedrooms for every child (certainly not through social housing) without partnering up.

I disagree with the term broken family. A family isn't "whole" just because the parents live together. And a family isn't "broken" just because the parents have split up.

But having said that I essentially agree with you OP. Parents put their own desires to live with someone they love and perhaps have more children above what is best for their kids. It's difficult figuring out what it is that we owe our children. We don't owe them the best possible life, of course, it's fine to keep working for example. But moving another adult into their home and then creating children that live there full time is almost never in their interest in my opinion.

I also have 2 half siblings but never thought of then as "half", they are just my brother and sister...

Live and let live? Yes, never mind worrying about unhappy children - just let them get on with it....

The WHOLE point is that people often go into these situations thinking about what they want and not what is best for the children.

Other adults turning a blind eye because it's nothing to do with them, isn't a good model for society.

OP musing that blended families are often problematic for the children isn't totally outrageous. As a teacher it's actually something she would be expected to be aware of for pastoral care.

I completely agree.

as an adult now, my parents divorced when I was very young. They both remarried and had new kids. I felt like I didn’t fit in.

it was miserable. And now it’s even worse as I feel like I don’t have a mum and dad with me as a common interest, they seem to be closer or prefer to spend time with their “new children”. I get it, I really do but it’s a feeling I just can’t shake.

I feel jealous every day of my friends with happy parents still together and im In my 30s now!

Agreed - my own experience was utter bloody misery! I was a traumatised 5 year old when I moved in with my dad and his new wife and I was a clear inconvenience from day 1. I think that each was too young (perhaps?) to handle each others' children as neither seemed to love the others' children and treated them, far to often with disdain or outright aggression. There was never any real integration of the two families and so really, it was just awful.

Parents put their own desires to live with someone they love and perhaps have more children above what is best for their kids.

I'd say this is the ccrux of it though. If the parents do not do this - even if they blend the family - then blended families can work. If they prioritise their new partner over the wellbeing of their children then it is unlikely to work out well for the children.

Coincidentally, my husband and I both come from successful blended families, however in both cases, the first father was completely absent and the families all grew up under one roof (one husband abusive and abandoned his children, one husband died).

Personally though, I'd really only consider it myself in a widower scenario. I'm just too introverted and independent to take on the faff of arranging around two half families. I'd be in a relationship with a man with children, but I wouldn't be moving in until they had all flown the nest.

I did think about what was best for my children.

They're still in an unhappy blended family situation

Wtf am I supposed to have done about it?

You have my absolute sympathy because this was my worst fear if me and DH had split.

I knew that I wouldn't bring in a step parent but I also knew I couldn't control what DH did.

You have the peace of mind to know that YOU are putting your kids first, and that they have a safe haven with you. As they get older they will choose to spend more time with you and you will always be their trusted person.

Their unhappiness if temporary and halved because you've created a safe home for them, and as they get older they can choose to only be with you.

I find it sad that in 2023 most women are still unable to stand on their own two feet., And that's the bottom line. One relationship breaks down and their sole focus is to head five straight into another one. Becoming independent and self sufficient as well as protecting their children is way down on their list of priorities. "Mum deserves to be happy after all" attitude.
On this forum many ignorant step parents say there's a different view in real life as to on here and become very defensive and outraged to any form of criticism. They seem totally blind to how people are secretly judging them in RL, (that doesn't fit their agenda). These parents have absolutely no idea concerning predators and child abuse, "they've known him years" it's a dangerous naivety that their kids pay a very high price.
I worked many years for the Crown Court and it's always the same type of women who risked her kids safety above meeting her own needs. These women always say how lovely the step parent was , the kid s loved him, blah, blah blah, .
That experience has put me off for life from ever introducing my kids to another man, it's not necessary to play happy families, so much better for everyone involved to keep things seperate.
I wish all women could have the experience I've had concerning child abuse and step parents, it would really open their eyes.

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I assume because your ex has the blended situation? Then obviously the responsibility was on him, and all you can do is to be there for your kids. I am sure noone would hold that against you.

I'd say it's mostly men who can't stand on their own two feet tbh.

IS temporary, and halved.

100% yes, I lived in a blended family from a young age and it was far from an ideal situation. I wouldn't put my children through it, Most of my divorced friends have made the same decision. Long term partners and no living together

I truly hope it’s not an unhappy one . We have “ blended “ 3 years ago and have 2 children each from previous relationships . My oldest is a young adult has autism and took her a bit to get used to it but she is a happy person and well adjusted , my now 6 year old adores my partner and as her dad was not involved she calls him dad and loves him as much . My partners 2 children are 21 and 16 both live in another country with their mum , my partner and their mum were already separated for 5 years when we started our relationship and he was already living abroad . They love to visit, they love going on holidays with us and they seem to enjoy their step siblings and their new baby sister.
The teacher of my 16 year old stepson says he speaks really high of his dad and is very proud of being a big brother and that he loves to visit us . His mum says the same so I truly hope the kids are all happy .
Would they prefer their parents to be together ? Probably , but they are now old enough to understand life is not black and white , I know because they told me that the oldest was very upset and rebellious over their split ( his mum cheated and came out as gay and that was a big change for them as lots if her family didn’t accept it either and because she tried to hide it ) , he told me himself he felt extremely happy his dad found love because he deserved it so much . I’m sure it was very hard on everyone involved but thankfully 8 years on they seem well adjusted and everyone has a great relationship .

Growing up, I was part of a blended family and can honestly say, I have many happy memories with my step family.

My nephew is also now part of a blended family and he absolutely adores his step parents from both sides and has great relationships with everyone in his extended family.

I have a couple of friends too who have blended families and they appear to have great relationships with their step children too. I went to their wedding and you could tell the step daughter was more than delighted that her dad was marrying her now step mum. She even did a lovely speech about her step mum, was very emotional and not a dry eye in sight.

I am sure there are others that don't work out but from my experience it can be a great one too.