to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

From mumsnet and friends experience it's made me realise if anything happened with dh, I would never live with another man until my children have left home or are 20plus years

only know 3 blended families very well- 1 worked well, 2 didn't, one asked 18 year old to move out so they could have house to themselves -18yo was devastated, another moved to other side of country leaving 15 year old with extended family so not to disrupt gcses( dad was never around) leaving 15 year old feeling abandoned and shortly afterwards replaced by new siblings.
One family where it's worked really well after teething issues of new rules/ boundaries being imposed that weren't there before( no longer going into mums bedroom for early morning cuddle for example).
The adults in these situations are a lot happier after getting out of unhappy and in one case damaging relationships. Initially their DC became their sole focus ,centre of their universe and they all had extremely close loving relationships with DC that then were superceded by new relationship, i think leaving the DC even more confused and hurt. DCsurvived in all cases but the parent/ child relationship in first two examples never recovered and are now very low contact.

I am now a lone parent and my children will never be subjected to step parents. I don't understand why anybody would involve a new partner in their children's lives or worse still move in with them or have more children with them. It's so selfish knowing that in the vast majority of cases it's dreadful for the children, who have been through the trauma of family breakup already.

I agree and come from a blended family utterly soul destroying for the children.

I am still married but if I wasn't, I wouldn't live with anyone else even when my DC become adults. It creates unnecessary conflict for the DC at any age.

@FlyWildAndFree Or it could just be that some women get into awful marriages, get divorced and then actually find the right person for them, who also get on great with the children.

I have to hide this thread now, it's so full of vitriol from single mothers and truly a depressing read.

The purpose of the thread is to get an overview - why would you see it as judgemental?

My kids weren't happy when we were together.

So I split from their dad because that was the right thing for them and for me.

He quickly got a new live in partner and blended the families.

I didn't get a boyfriend until my youngest was (almost) an adult.

I carefully don't parent his kids (one adult, one about to become an adult but was a teen when we met)

I waited years to introduce my partner. And we have done so very slowly.

And yet I still get blame and judgement heaped on me.

This thread is judgemental and goady.

My kids were going to be unhappy whatever happened. I did my best to mitigate that but I couldn't.

What was I supposed to have done? Made myself miserable so my kids could be miserable too but at least they didn't come from a broken home? Wtf like.

Can I ask what percentage of non-blended families are really happy? I don’t know the answer to that either.

I suppose the biggest question is what is the alternative to which it’s compared - it probably is worse than the original marriage being happy and continuing, but that can’t happen. Whether or not it’s better than the parents bad marriage ending and then never getting new partners will depend on the people involved I expect.

It is so hard to know isn't it. I had a step father I didn't like much and I think I would have been happier if he hadn't been around. On the other hand my grandparents had a very unhappy marriage, he had affairs and was brutally strict with his kids and my mother, till her dying day, said she wished her parents had separated permanently when she was a child, they did for a while and she had a step parent and step sibling and was happy but GF persuaded GM to go back, eventually they permanently separated when my mother was an adult and she resented what she had gone through.

*They are just families

I found your reply really reassuring . I do my best as a step mum to involve my step kids on everything , they are with us on holidays , they get similar gifts , attention and when they are with us I do my best that they always feel included and really important . I also do not get the mentality of “ not my children , not my responsibility “ that I see in MN .

Where's your option for "didn't split and kids aren't happy anyway" @Nimbostratus100 Or "didn't split but the kids are happy only one of the parents isn't because of abuse/affairs or whatever"?

"AIBU to ask for views on happiness of blended families vs parents remaining single/having live out partners" - not judgemental.

Your thread title is judgemental.

You are wrong OP. Men seem to be happy raising other men’s children and hike having theirs raised by someone else. Women seem to be happy having children with more than one man. He children are the ones that suffer.

The number of threads on this forum alone where OP is complaining about being expected to provide childcare for step children. Other posters jump in telling her to be assertive and say no, it’s the father’s responsibility. While all that may be correct, it’s the poor children that suffer. Always being the outsider to their parents partners.

I don't think it is as simple as saying a particular family set up is happy or unhappy. There is a lot in between and most families are not one or the other, whether they involve step parents or not. I certainly know a lot of teen DC who are deeply unhappy, and there are no step parents involved.

The options aren't stay in an unhappy marriage or blend families. It's perfectly reasonable to live as a single parent and have a serious relationship which doesn't involve your children living with a person who is not their parent. you can go out together, you can stay over, you can all go on holiday together but your children aren't put in a position where they are living with an adult who isn't their parent.

Haven't read full thread, I was adopted by step parent at small age. Didn't realize until 10 or so. Overheard a conversation I shouldn't have and didn't think much on it. My Dad is and always will be the best dad I could have had regardless of how he came to be. However I didn't know my biological father so we didn't have to navigate that. Perhaps if there aren't 2 households it's a smoother transition and age introduced.

The problem with this thread is that if people give examples of their happy blended family, posters will say they are lying to themselves, or their children might have a different opinion.

The only 'right' answer on this thread is that they are all shit and the kids are all unhappy. So basically, it's just a thread to bash blended families and no other opinion or experiences are going to be believed.

My blended family has worked well for 16 years. My children are young adults and have an amazing relationship with my husband (their stepdad) and always have.

There is no doubt that some blended families do not work well and the children suffer. A high percentage of them I am sure, but some do genuinely work well.

I am a step mother and we have a baby. We all get along great and with the kids mum & her husband and extended family etc.
but we do feel lucky as every other blended family I know doesn’t have it as easy/harmonious as us.
So I kinda feel our situation is not so typical & that we are blessed.

Quite. I also fail to understand this desire to have a new child with the new partner, with 2 sets of existing children coming and going, and already a part of their lives. It's always down to "we just wished to create one just of our own - just (this) DP and mine".

Not every single parent family is broken , I was single for most if my adult life by choice and have 2 children who have never seen me in conflict with a men . They now have a step dad . This idea all single parent families are broken is pretty much ridiculous!

My family was broken far more when I was still with my ex.

Calling a family where there has been a split broken is hideous and judgemental.

yes, I do wonder how many are not known to be blended, but adopted children are normally marked on the register

Find this thread so weird. I grew up in a ‘blended family’ (never hear that phrase used in the real world, it’s just a family!) and love my step-dad, often there have been times I’ve got on better with him than my bio parents. Life would have been much worse if my parents had stayed together or mum had stayed on her own.
My partner moved in with me and my son 3 years ago, after a slow and careful intro period. Son absolutely adores him, is disappointed if he can’t come on a day out with us due to work, always excited to tell him when he’s done well at school etc.

I realised of course these situations might be different if the new partner is awful but bio parents can be bloody awful too.

I don't personally think teenagers are a great way to gage happiness in any family circumstances to be honest. You could have the happiest family set up, and a teenager will find the negative in it.