to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

I agree with you.

There are exceptions - the model that seems to have the best outcomes anecdotally is where the stepdad has no children of his own and takes on his stepchildren completely. When both people have children, it seems very hard to make it work well.

I don't understand why people can't just date and live separately

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow I find it very strange that there seems to be more judgement in society about single parents than there is about blended families when the data is clear that the latter is far more damaging to children. Perhaps many people's social views are formed based on what they want to believe rather than the data from studies on the impacts.

What are all these studies that prove how damaging it is to be in a blended family? I can’t say I’ve ever come across that before and for you to claim it’s so widely accepted as a hypothesis seems a bit iffy.

Well, from my DPs perspective and put bluntly - because being handed a child primarily raised by your ex whose approach you don't agree with EOW hardly satisfies the urge many feel to have and raise children.

I don't get why people are so baffled by why there's any "need" to have more children, as if it's anything like living with a child full time being a NRP.

I agree with the op but reckon this will get taken down soon as it will get all angry and shouty.
From my experience the kids are generally miserable- especially the daddy's little princesses but I only have a small sample size to go on.

Because they love their partner and want to spend their lives with them every day. Because the children may actually have a good relationship with new partner also. I personally don't see the point in a relationship if it is never going to progress.

Plus, obviously, because it's unlikely your partner is going to be happy to have a life heavily affected by kids, if they weren't the sort of person that wanted kids of their own.

I think that attitude is probably REALLY felt by the SCs and it must be horrible sharing your life is an adult who thinks of you an an inconvenience they need to put up with to keep their man.

More and more I think this attitude is the problem - the emphasis on step parents to be the ones to meet the needs of unrelated children while ignoring the fact that the parents are responsible for bringing another adult into their children's lives and they should be held responsible for choosing a partner who fills whatever role their children need.

Step parents are berated for failing to treat children as their own while no responsibility is placed on the parent for allowing/condoning their behaviour/attitude, particularly when it comes to step-Mothers.

Step parents are reminded that 'they knew about the kids' while the parents (usually fathers) who also knew about these children are largely let off the hook.

You can’t just claim that the reason they have any problems or are unhappy is solely down to the fact that they have a step parent purely based on the fact that there is a step parent. Correlation is not causation.

How many of those children would still be unhappy if their parents were together and in a toxic relationship? Do you think children are not impacted by verbal abuse? Alcoholism? Constant arguments between parents?
Of course they are!

In our case the misery was absolutely down to step parents. After our parents' divorce and before they remarried everything was fine.

YANBU. Almost all the blended families we know irl ended up as shit shows. Teen children with trauma (drugs, expulsion, violence) or adult children going NC. Many are also from wealthy backgrounds so money wasn‘t even an issue.

One of the highest incidences of sexual abuse happens between a male stepparent and female stepchild. There was a thread on MN 1-2yrs ago asking about the prevalence of SA or pedophiles in society and it was utterly shocking how many posters came out to say it was one of their mother‘s partners growing up.

Agree with the PP who said if you commit to being a single parent then your children need to come first even if it means accepting no romantic relationships for a certain period of time or leaving a blended setup if the child is clearly suffering.

This is a complicated area.

Families where there was separation would have been unhappy in some way prior to becoming separated and then later blended.

Were families happier when parents were required by social convention to remain together?
Are together families really that happy?
Are the pressures on blended families equal to those on together families?
Where does money come into all this?
What are the causes of separation in the first place - crisis, trauma, finances and problems all lead to higher likelihood of separation.

This thread just sounds like an unpleasant, conservative (small c) attempt to cast aspersions on blended families.

Hopefully @Nimbostratus100 is not a teacher in my children's school, I wouldn't want their biased and critical views in my school.

Growing up in a single parent household is hardly ideal in most cases either.

Growing up in a solvent single parent household with a committed, loving and emotionally intelligent parent is always far, far preferable to remaining in a household where there is abuse, neglect or a lack of love.

To the extent that there are shortcomings about single parent households they are usually down to lack of money and childcare, nothing intrinsic to only having one parent.

In fact I'd go as far as to say that a loving and competent single mother (let's be honest it's always a mother) is often better than in many standard nuclear family setups, particularly those with an entitled father and a mother who believes his needs come before everyone else's.

Parents are 'allowed' to do all kinds of things, it doesn't mean that they are absolved from considering the impact on their children.

Thing is nobody thinks they are a bad parent or bad step parent.

A poor parent likely would pick a poor step parent. Yes the situation would still be bad but now they have an additional poor adult in their lives.

A parent who lets a step parent push out their children is shit, as is the step for pushing them out. But overall better one shitty parent than a whole new shitty step family to contend with.

It’s a case of would you rather with two shitty options.

There are a lot of unhappy kids in non blended families as well, it’s just less obvious. With blended families people assume that there are complications so it’s out quicker. Of course it is more complicated at least because you have to consider needs of more people.
My parents stayed together but I would rather they divorced. I don’t think it ever came to my parents’ heads that I was unhappy and they always considered themselves good parents.

👏👏👏👏

I don’t know whether you are right in your 75% guess, because in your job you are probably more likely to be aware of children who are unhappy. The ones who are fine might not appear on your radar. But I agree that it is often very difficult for the kids.

@DysmalRadius Absolutely they need to consider the children but it's getting the balance right.

YANBU. People will fall all over themselves to say their blended family works great. Blended families are never done in the interest of the kids, it's in the interest of the adults.

I've been a lone parent for DS's entire life and living with a partner would never be more important to me than ensuring DS's needs are met. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a relationship, but keep it separate from the kids. Moving in with a partner and forcing stepfamily situations on your kids is unfair.

Oh I agree. It's 100% the parent's responisbility to ensure that the adult they bring into their child's lives and homes is one that will not treat them that way. But, apparently VERY controversially, I also think that an adult engaging in a family situation with a child by moving in with them and taking on some kind of parental role (if they refuse to do that that's even worse, I can't imagine living with a small lchild an refusing to care for it in anyway) - espeically a smaller child - owes that child kindness and compassion and care. And if they can't do that they should not be living with that child. Noone (well at least not me) is letting the parent off the hook, but it is - mostly - the step parent being unkind or at least uncaring to the child and they need to own their actions.

Because I am totally fed up of smug married people coming on to say how divorce/blended families/new partners are so damaging to children and if they ever got divorced they would entirely devote themselves to their children until the children left home. When they have precisely no idea about being in a marriage where divorce is your best option, about what being a single parent is like, what it does to your living standards about what the majority of step parents/step siblings actually mean to children and about how it's actually usual for adults to be in a romantic relationship.

Well, many of us who are actually divorce and single parents are staying single deliberately because it is much better for our children, so it is not something said by "smug marrieds", it's something many of us who are divorced areo doing. The evidence on the topic is clear. Moving unrelated adults into a child's home has very negative outcomes for the children compared to having a single parent. Having more children with an unrelated adult even more so.

And that's not to say people shouldn't start a new relationship if they wish to. That doesn't mean you have to involve your children in it or move a new partner into their home or have more children!

I just can’t see how blending a family can in anyway be an advantage for the children. I’m a lone parent with a partner of 2.5 years. My kids have a brilliant relationship with him but we don’t live together. He spends a couple of days a week here and that’s lovely. I would love to live with him but my teens have a happy, calm and settle home life. There’s no way I would risk unsettling that for the sake of moving someone in. They like our life as it is and quite frankly that’s my priority. I imagine we will live together when the youngest goes to uni in 5 years but why change now? It’s not going to enhance their lives when they’re perfectly happy and settled now

But mine does work great and I don't think it's fair for single mothers to come on here and say those of us who have moved on and remarried are selfish and not putting our kids first. You can't possibly know how other people's family dynamics work as you don't live in their house. My children have benefited so much from having a stepdad and a stepbrother.

An unpleasant thread designed to shame and judge mothers who are just doing their best in the circumstances. Good work, OP. Hope you become less vile not more vile as the week goes on.

With all due respect, I'd rather listen to what the kids in these situations have to say than the adults.