Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
CarpetSlipper · 17/04/2023 00:38

Why are you sending him lists of things to do?
Have you also been off the last two weeks?
It actually did rain all week in some parts of the UK - I haven’t been able to cut my grass.
He should have sent his grandmother’s present.

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/04/2023 01:39

It pissed down all last week here and I never got a chance to do any of the outside jobs I needed to.
I am a teacher and I struggle to get motivated at home in the holidays. Loads of jobs are hard and I am not saying that teaching is any harder. It's the intensity of always having to be 'on'. Little (or not so little) pupils demand your time and energy, there is very little time where you are not performing for others. This was the most difficult thing - I started teaching later and had a career that was demanding but teaching drains you in a different way. He's had a week with the three kids and had one (albeit 3 days in nursery) with him this week. Like him I spent two days literally doing nothing. I read a bit. Binged a bit of TV and slept.
So yes, 3 days a week was fine
for him - he should have sent the present though.
When he was away with the three eldest were you with him?

PollyPeptide · 17/04/2023 01:45

I used to be exhausted by the end of term so I get how he feels. He then spent a week at his in laws. I'd want a couple of days to myself too. Mind you, he should equally give you a few free days during the long summer holiday.

Scienceadvisory · 17/04/2023 01:50

PollyPeptide · 17/04/2023 01:45

I used to be exhausted by the end of term so I get how he feels. He then spent a week at his in laws. I'd want a couple of days to myself too. Mind you, he should equally give you a few free days during the long summer holiday.

But he didn't go to his in-laws? He went to his family and when it came to going to the OPs family he came home instead. She had 2 kids with her while he had one who he put in nursery. Where are her 3 days to herself?

suburbophobe · 17/04/2023 01:50

He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc,

Because you pull the load financially.

Does fuck all around the house though. And that's with 3 children.

mackthepony · 17/04/2023 01:51

When did you last have two weeks off, op??

minipie · 17/04/2023 01:52

Yes I’d be asking where my three recharging days are.

Maybe take this weekend to yourself. And don’t do any jobs.

sofabedsofa · 17/04/2023 01:56

suburbophobe · 17/04/2023 01:50

He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc,

Because you pull the load financially.

Does fuck all around the house though. And that's with 3 children.

Where did OP say she pulled any financial load?

ChellyT · 17/04/2023 01:56

Seriously! He SHOULD learn to make these tasks meditative with an end result of a job well done, list complete. Let him recharge and rest while doing tasks and chores around the house that have absolutely no relation to what he does for a job.

Wouldn't it be great to just unplug for 2 weeks because you fell burnt out/tired and magically everything on the 'to do' list complete.

suburbophobe · 17/04/2023 02:01

Where did OP say she pulled any financial load?

She didn't, in her OP.

But pretty weird not to work nowadays. What with COL and 3 kids.

PollyPeptide · 17/04/2023 02:06

Scienceadvisory · 17/04/2023 01:50

But he didn't go to his in-laws? He went to his family and when it came to going to the OPs family he came home instead. She had 2 kids with her while he had one who he put in nursery. Where are her 3 days to herself?

Show quote history

Oh, yes. I misread it. Sorry. I'm not sure if it's better or worse at your iwn oarenrs or at your in laws. Either way, you're not chilling on your own.

Avarua2 · 17/04/2023 02:07

I voted YABU because oiling a table and buying Nana a gift are both activities that are not necessary for busy, stressed people to do. Simplify your life OP, and the mental load will simplify too.

emptythelitterbox · 17/04/2023 02:08

He's being lazy.

No excuse really for not sending the email or mailing the package.

Avarua2 · 17/04/2023 02:09

Simplify by:
Only saying yes to stuff that you really want to do (want to be on the PTA? Not really? Say no. Want to bake a kids birthday cake? Yes? Say yes). Feel no guilt. You get no points in heaven for being superwoman.

Avarua2 · 17/04/2023 02:10

He's being lazy.

You don't have to be ON all the time. Switching off is good for you.

TeenLifeMum · 17/04/2023 02:13

We’ve been off this week and recharged. If dh sent me a list I’d be rather unimpressed. Sending the gift I’d be annoyed about but then I don’t buy gifts for dh’s family as that’s his job. Lots of bank holidays coming up and you can agree between you who does what.

Theoldwoman · 17/04/2023 02:15

I’m More wondering why you only took two kids to visit your family.? What about your wee one? That’s more concerning than your DH and chores.

EllandRd · 17/04/2023 02:16

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Can think of a lot more stressful jobs than teaching, even so what about all the female teachers out there with kids who just get on with it? No he is a lazy and sounds like a typical moaning man.

Imogensmumma · 17/04/2023 02:21

I think you are both being unreasonable.

Yes he can have some down time I’m a teacher and understand the need for 5 seconds or longer without someone 40cms from your face.

However, he should have sent an email and done more but maybe you need to stop taking on so much of the mental load it’s his grandmother if there is no present or card sent that is his problem it’s his grandmother so you need to step away from some tasks to help yourself

OnlyTheBravest · 17/04/2023 02:24

He was stressed and needed time to recover. Without knowing how stressful his term was I would support him, rather than deal with burnout later in the term.
He should have sent the email and posted the gift but I wouldn't be buying gifts for his family. Give it a couple of days for it to blow over and have a chat with your partner about moving past this and you can both avoid it happening again.

Kokeshi123 · 17/04/2023 02:40

CarpetSlipper · 17/04/2023 00:38

Why are you sending him lists of things to do?
Have you also been off the last two weeks?
It actually did rain all week in some parts of the UK - I haven’t been able to cut my grass.
He should have sent his grandmother’s present.

I'd imagine that she sent a list of things to do because her partner is not great at actually getting things done and it's a bit unfair if she has to get everything done herself.

Kokeshi123 · 17/04/2023 02:43

I'm sure teachers do get stressed at work, but the little one was in nursery. It's not that hard to have a few nice pottering days where you sort of get a few jobs and errands done at a relaxing space, along with some chilling and reading and meeting up with a mate for a coffee or lunch here and there. I literally have days like that whenever work is quiet, as I am a freelancer and have quiet days now and again.

Mochinated · 17/04/2023 02:47

Avarua2 · 17/04/2023 02:07

I voted YABU because oiling a table and buying Nana a gift are both activities that are not necessary for busy, stressed people to do. Simplify your life OP, and the mental load will simplify too.

This. What was the rest of the list?

E.g. Gardening is something to do for fun, not necessary.

YellowGreenBlue · 17/04/2023 02:54

Rubbish of him not to have sent an email or posted the present. These things only take a few minutes each, and he had three whole days off! Now they're still on the to do list <argh>

Make sure you get three days off to relax in the summer holidays OP.

GrumpyPanda · 17/04/2023 02:58

As others say - what was the rest of the list? So far none of us sounds life-changing.

I take it you were working/on a mini break from family life while he was at his folks with the kids?

Swipe left for the next trending thread