DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

How onerous is popping to the post office and sending an email?

I can only imagine the reaction if a man left his ‘DW’ a to do list of jobs to do when she was off on half term with 3 kids.

I think he's been crap. DH is a teacher and had two childfree days these holidays, both of which he used to do a mixture of getting some jobs done and doing some relaxing. He also did a huge amount of gardening this holiday, which was slightly slow going as he did it all with the 'help' of a two and four year old. I'm appreciative, but I don't think he's done anything particularly beyond the call of duty.

He's always tired at the end of term and I try and facilitate that by taking the kids out without him in the first weekend of the holiday to give him a down day. I wouldn't be at all impressed with him doing nothing for days on end - it is rarer than hen's teeth that I take annual leave and don't spend it with the children and I certainly don't get days and days to 'recharge'!

So, you have a shared list
He claims he will do things if you tell him that they need doing
You resent the shared list to him
He still didn't do it

I'm not surprised you went off

Goodness, it hardly sounds like a taxing number of things to do to contribute to his family home. What does 'recharging' involve?

He wasn't off with 3 kids. OP had taken 2 away, and the youngest was in nursery. So he had one child, and childfree days.

He's lazy. Posting a parcel doesn't prevent you from "recharging". Have a nice walk to the high street, post the parcel, get a coffee, stroll back. It's hardly onerous.

But OP, YABU for buying the present in the first place. I've no idea when my DH's grandparents' birthdays are!

I agree that the present isn't OP's problem as such, but she probably feels sad and a bit disappointed that he couldn't do something so small for an elderly relative to make them feel thought of and care for. I would feel the same.

You’re fighting a losing battle op. My DH doesn’t care about the little details at home which drive me mad. Therefore he wouldn’t care enough to oil a table or fix a blind or tidy the garden. You have to do it yourself unfortunately.

Just a side question- why did you spend the full two weeks visiting relatives? Wouldn’t it have been nicer for you all to have some chill time at home?

1 kid, who was at nursery.

I’m generally supportive of teachers and their workload as I have a few friends who teach and. I see what it’s like for them.

However this has me playing the smallest violin in the world! I last had a week off work in November and I’m not due another till mid May and I’m just about BROKEN! OP your dh is a lazy git! Presumably he had time off in February too?
Teaching’s a hard job, as are many, but there is plenty built in down time, unlike a lot of other jobs.

Ex teacher and mum here. He's being lazy.

I used to do all the DIY gardening etc as I had "so much time off" (with 2 kids in tow!)

Now I am not a teacher I am getting very good a throwing all the tasks back at DH to split evenly.

He's also bloody useless at seeing jobs needing doing but effective when micromanaged with a list, like a giant toddler (I may get buy a star chart to hammer the point home) but I refuse to do his family admin for him. His mother always rings me, not him for kids birthdays, Christmas and all social arrangements and it's infuriating and as if he's far too Busy and Important to partake in such menial tasks 🙄

He sounds to me like he’s a lazy fucker by default.

I agree here.

I'm a teacher and have 3 kids. You just get on with everything that needs done whilst the kids are here. We were away the first week and DH went back to work the 2nd, so I did activites/ outings/ housework/ life admin. The mental load is so hard with 3 kids, it's all v well folk saying 'simplify' 'just don't do it' but it needs to be done!

I'm lucky that DH is fantastic around the house/ garden as he's a do-er, but he's a tradesman. He gets my work is v different and I generally need to recharge more, but I couldn't just do nothing for 3 whole days or the world would grind to a halt!

He should have done the email and the present.
Both of you should have some down time in the future.
You are both being a bit unreasonable.

OP didn't say any of that. We have no idea who "pulls the financial load" but even if she did, we generally expect men (who would normally pull the financial load) to also do work around the house (and quite rightly). It also doesn't say he does fuck all around the house either. It says that she had sent a list of things that needed doing and he only did one of them in the three days.

He should have dealt with his grandmothers present. But I do not think that three days "off" is unreasonable out of two weeks - and he was also taking care of DC3 on those days, and presumably the routine housework etc.

Not sure why you can't oil your own table if it's that important to you. It's not a difficult job.

We all have jobs that we'd like to get around to but somehow never do / don't for ages. I had six days off around Easter and had a list of things that I needed to do - I think one might have got done. Life won't stop as a result of that (or an un-oiled table).

Just out of curiosity do you ever do anything for fun? simply rest your body and mind after a stressful time?

Because frankly if you expect everyone to spend their time working and then doing chores all day when they have some time off, that is going to bore the hell out of most people....

If a partner sent me a list of random, not essential things to do I would tell you to keep the list and get lost.

Unless it really is something essential/urgent (major issue with the house like a faulty boiler or a leaking roof) then time off is better spent as time off, not organised drudgery.

Sounds like your typical lazy bastard to me. Oh how I would love 2 weeks off to recharge. Doesn't happen when you have kids and a house to run though does it? If your a woman anyway. Depressing as always to see the amount of women who will defend a useless man though. I wish you would a raise your bars.

She didn’t say it was his decision to send the youngest child to nursery, nor for him not to visit her family.

YABU re the outdoor stuff; it rained all last week here too.
he could’ve posted the stuff but having said that, if neither of you have had a chance to send an email during your usual working work you both need to look at what’s going wrong in your day to day routines.
You‘ve both been putting these jobs off for months by the sounds of things so YABU. You could’ve spent less time visiting your families and more time on these things if they were important.

He probably would’ve enjoyed 2 weeks to recharge as well but he didn’t get them either so I’m not sure what your point is?

Maybe he is burnt out and desperately needs to rest before the term starts again.

People don’t have breakdowns or become suicidal, or suffer such severe anxiety that they are signed off for months, out of nowhere you know. So many people keep going with overwhelm until the point that they break.

Get over writing lists, as if you are his head of department, and ask your DH if he is okay. I’m also sure that you were capable of using your own phone to send an email while you on your break.

Teaching is ridiculously stressful and extremely hard to switch off from. Good for your DH for prioritising his well-being and having a break.

He’s a lazy, selfish, twat. All that stuff would have taken an hour or two. Stop doing things for him. He’s a teacher - he’s capable of managing classes and workloads, so he’s more than capable of oiling a table and posting a present to his own grandmother. Stop enabling him - he doesn’t need it and you’re infantilising and patronising him by treating him as someone so pathetic they need lists and present buying done for them. He can manage all this stuff himself so let him get on with it.

I've got one of these, OP. I was about to start a thread but you beat me to it.

I'm an ex teacher now a manager at a charity (25 days a year hol). DP a teacher. I get it about needing rest. Out of the 2 week hols our dc have had total of 5 days/nights away at various wonderful grandparents and I took dc away on my own for day and a night so my DP has had 7 days and 6 nights completely childfree.

The mental load situation in our relationship is terrible; we've argued and discussed it for years and he never improves. These hols I gave him 2 things to do- (I hate being the manager like this but otherwise he would do zero). He was meant to phone a man to come a fix the cooker hood, and tidy 1 kid's bedroom. He failed to do the first job (sent 1 text to unresponsive cooker man and left it) and didn't sort kids room properly because he couldn't take the responsibility of choosing what should go to charity shop. I definitely do not do cards and presents for his side anymore. So his 8yr old niece got no birthday card or present, and his best mate's new baby got no gift or card. Only some nice hand me downs that I saved, stored, found and gave.

I'm furious. I'm thinking about LTB. I hate how this makes me feel. I feel resentment that I do everything or I feel like a nasty slave driver, and he acts like a teenager.

Gardening is something to do for fun, not necessary.

Only if you enjoy it. For me, gardening is a chore, and always will be.

Teachers get a lot of time off and those who work a normal 5/6wk leave kind of job don’t get anything compatible. Fact is he had 3 days of childfree time, that is a luxury when you’re a parent of 3. I doubt mum gets anything compatible. Re the lists men generally say ‘well you didn’t tell me to do it’ which is infuriating as surely they have eyes and can see, but that’s just how many men are so sending a list is fine in my opinion. We’d all love to spend 3 days watching Netflix child free when we take AL but generally that’s a luxury only afforded to those without children or when they have grown up and gone to Uni. Otherwise AL involves caring for kids and trying to fit jobs in around that. He doesn’t know how good he had it, and I totally get the rage!

We can’t judge this but if you feel resentful then you need to talk to your DH about it in a calm way.

id suggest you should not be thinking about presents for your DH side of family anyway. That’s one area you can let go of.