DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

Agree, and making sure your garden doesn’t overgrow is a general maintenance you have to do for most of the year so it’s not a hobby, far from it. It’s a pain in the ass

Sorry I missed that he oiled a table. Hard going.

I'm a teacher so I totally get the exhaustion and need for a break.
BUT... I have a family and a house to run (along with my dh) so I just have to view holiday jobs as 'a change is as good as a rest."
So I have had my share of lie-ins and relaxation but have also stormed through a long list of chores that I never get time to do in term-time.
I think your dh is pulling a fast one here.

Same here! I've had 3 kids all holiday and have been trying to relax after a very stressful term as well as marking 35 A Level assessments.

Teaching can be utterly exhausting and even doing basic tasks can feel draining sometimes.

The OP is being unreasonable. Her DH was clearly exhausted.

I think getting back at 11.15 with 2 young children the night before being back at work is really bad planning, the row will have just made that worse. Unless there was a major issue that made you hours later than planned you really brought that on yourself. I think you said one of them is in nursery? Is the other in school? Poor kids must be feeling exhausted this morning.

I think you and the children would have benefited from a bit of building yourselves up for the new term/week. Martyrdom isn't much use outside of religion.

Yes, he was lazy but I don't think there's anything wrong with being lazy.

Being "on the go" all the time and filling your days with a constant stream of never ending jobs and tasks isn't healthy or even necessary.

The youngest was in childcare (which presumably has to be paid for anyway) and you were away visiting your family with the others, so I really don't see the issue with him having some downtime at home.

If you're envious that you don't get the same, then you need to schedule it in for yourself - you say he'd be more than happy for you to take it.

I stopped buying cards/presents for his side years ago. I also stopped writing their birthdays on the calendar.

For comparison, I got back with the kids at 11.15 last night, then had a row and a disturbed night to ‘build myself up’ before being back at work today 🙄

Unless you're about to drip-feed that he refused to pick you up and you had to walk miles home from the station alone, it's hardly his fault you didn't get home until 11.15pm.

That's poor planning on your part. You didn't need to start a row either. Why on earth didn't you leave earlier (or on Saturday) instead of at the last minute?

Having no children there makes life easier for a start. I would have thought oiling a table in a quiet, child free house could be quite therapeutic and de-stressing. It just isnt as easy as spending three days in bed doing nothing. Yes it did rain a lot making some outside jobs more difficult to do but he didnt even manage to send his Grandmother a present you bought for him to send. Given the jobs you asked him to do couldnt easily be done when the kids were there and you took the kids away with you I think he should have made more effort. It didnt rain all the time so there may have been some outside jobs he could have done (depends what they were). He should have emailed the IFA and sent his Grandmother’s present at least.

Entirely disagree with those saying a list is controlling/infantilising.

OP has said that her partner doesn’t see/remember jobs that need doing and has asked her to tell him what needs doing. By giving him the list, at least she can try to reduce her mental load.

I’m exactly the same OP, I do the lions share of household tasks and normally have to make an effort to share that load with the list.
My partner is the same, will walk past multiple things that need doing because he doesn’t realise (for some reason) that they need doing - likely because of our very different upbringings/families. When asked, he 9x out of 10 gets the jobs done.

YANBU - he could have gotten more of the jobs done. Sending a parcel? Part of the trip
to drop DC at nursery. Writing the email? Can be done in 5 mins.

If he was gaming, it was very likely he just lost track of time. Seems that it’s an absolute time drain and they totally forget how long they’ve been at it.

I would certainly prioritise a teacher having a break over oiling a table😂teachers need a rest, tables do not need oiling.

I suspect the rest of the list was also pretty pointless

I’m a female teacher. The first week of the holidays I was worn out, I barely got out of bed because I just needed to recover from the hell that was the last term. I actually paid for a cleaner because my house was such a mess from being exhausted and not getting it done. This last week I’ve relaxed rather than being burnt out before I start again.

I'm going to guess that the OP working 15 hour days without weeks off every 6 weeks is also exhausted.

Oiling a table, posting a parcel, sending an email...hardly back breaking stuff.

He sounds unattractively incapable.

In the eyes of MN this will always be your fault, either

You have no expectations and therefore enabling a man child who you shouldn't have had kids with let alone marry or

You ask him to complete specific tasks and therefore are a nagging slave driver.

In reality, many couples can ask their partner to do something, whether by physical or mental list and it gets done.

Perhaps some of the stuff here could be safely forgotten about, but a lot of life admin is just stuff that NEEDS to be done. I don't know what the IFA is, but it sounds like something fairly essential.

Rolling my eyes at the people here who seem to think it's normal to require literally DAYS of lolling around and screen-staring and absolutely nothing else, to recharge from a job. You can have a relaxing few days and still fit a few small non-demanding tasks here and there.

yes, he was parenting his baby

YANBU

I'd be really fed up. It's selfish to have six full days childfree to 'recharge' while not pulling your weight with home and admin duties.

I respect teachers but I don't think it's the hardest most stressful job in the world and they all deserve coddling at home. Lots of jobs are stressful.

You've had a really busy few weeks - where the fuck is your six child & work free days to 'recharge'.

He could have sent an email and posted the birthday present, but to be fair to him it has been bad weather for doing outside stuff. At least where I live it has been.

Did he do any cleaning or tidying up before you got back?

@Nimbostratus100 His baby was at Nursery all day.

I don’t see how people can sit around and do absolutely nothing all day, my DH included. I feel so much better about myself if I achieve something every day, even if it’s just cleaning the bathroom or doing 10,000 steps.
Does anyone know where we can drop these lazy husband’s off at ?

My DM is a teacher so I totally understand the nature of the job. I don’t recall her ever having a half term or holiday where she did nothing but relax. She often begins the holidays with some sort of illness - it’s like her immune system finally gives up the ghost from powering through the term time. She preps her work for the next term, sometimes going into school to do so. Then she cracks on with deep cleaning the house, admin, gardening and other DIY.

OP does work 🤷‍♀️

I couldn't really resent someone for having a few days off to recharge if they needed it. Especially someone you love. Do I understand he looked after the kids the first week at his parents'?

The issue sounds more to do with the allocation of labour at home and you having to carry the mental load. I would scale back on that - why are you arranging for gifts for his relatives, leave that up to him - and talk to him aboout why.

He was still looking after a baby while his wife had a trip away with the older kids

The youngest was in nursery all day